Lucy's Football

I'm blowing this popstand. See you later, suckers.

2011-09-30T19:51:00.002-04:00

OK, Blogger pissed me off today for the last time, so I've moved to Wordpress. Which, in less than 8 hours, is now my best friend.

Please come and find me at my new, shiny blog: Lucy's Football.

It's better! You will love it! Don't abandon me now, you're my only hope!

Also, today we're talking about purse hassocks.

Remember the firemen are rarely necessary. The public stopped reading of its own accord.

2011-09-29T11:50:00.000-04:00

And finally, the last post celebrating the books peopledon’t want you to read. It’s kind of ironic how much I’m enjoying banned booksweek. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the people banning books are secretlyworking for the publishing companies, getting people interested in “subversive”titles. But then I think about it and realize they’re just crazy people withtoo much free time who hate anything that contradicts their very narrowworldview and I get angry all over again.

So far, we’ve discussed children’s books and young adult literature and today, adult literature. I assume the books are being banned because thepeople who ban books don’t want young people to read them, though. They aren’tbanning adults from reading them, right? Although they probably would, if theycould, I wouldn’t put it past them.

You know how on Facebook you can put your favorite books,and the top five are highlighted and photos of the covers are shown? I don’tthink anyone but me cares about this section. I caretake this section verycarefully. I want it to indicate my top five favorite books. Sometimes thecovers disappear and I have to switch things around and that bothers me. Idon’t like when it’s not pretty and looks like no one cares about it. I’d havemade a very good librarian. My window displays would have been beautiful, Ithink. Anyway, my #1 favorite book of all time, as indicated on Facebook and,well, in my life? Is on the banned book list. Figures. Also, one of my favoriteauthors of all time, a few other books that are favorites as well. I like thesubversive stuff. This really shouldn’t surprise anyone.

I’d say I’ll keep this shorter than yesterday but I’m makingno promises.

ADULT LITERATURE

Fahrenheit 451 –Ray Bradbury

Reason for ban: Offensive language and content;anti-governmental theme

Synopsis: In a dystopian society where books are banned andfiremen create, rather than put out, fires, fireman Guy Montag begins to doubtthe government that rules him, with disastrous results.

This really is the poster child for banned books. I thinkyou can appreciate the irony, since IT’S ABOUT BANNING BOOKS. Not only is itabout banning books, it’s about a society where books are SO SUBVERSIVE, beingcaught owning or reading one = death. The government has to protect its peoplefrom the dangers of reading. Sound at all familiar, especially this week? Thereare people employed whose job is to burn the printed word. So of course thebook banning people don’t want our youth to read this. It’s about them. Cananyone hear the line “It was a pleasure to burn” and not get a little thrillrunning up their spine? That’s the first sentence. THE FIRST SENTENCE. Thisbook grabs you and doesn’t let you go the minute you open it. I adore thisbook. I actually found an old school copy at a book sale years ago, with thethick orange covers, read to pieces by years of students, and I treasure thatcopy. It’s been loved (or perhaps loathed) by generations of students. It hashistory. I’m proud to have it in my collection. I’m a huge Bradbury fan overall(I also swoon over Something Wicked ThisWay Comes…the imagery in that book is just to die for) but Bradbury willalways be remembered for this book, and what a wonderful way to be remembered.

Of Mice and Men –John Steinbeck

Reason for ban: Vulgar language, religiously profane,violent, and “derogatory toward African Americans, women, and thedevelopmentally disabled”

Synopsis: The story of two migrant workers during the GreatDepression.

Honestly, this ban is a bit puzzling to me. This is classicliterature, isn’t it? I can think of a number of titles that I find moreoffensive toward these groups than this one. I didn’t read it until college(listen, I didn’t go to a fancy-schmancy prep school, ok? We didn’t read muchof import in my high school. When I stumbled upon something impressive it wasby accident. No one was pointing me toward anything I should be reading. Andthe internet didn’t yet exist. Thanks, AL GORE. I had nowhere to go) but Iremember just speeding through this and then sobbing my eyes out when it wasfinished. It had become very clear to me what was going to happen to Lennie,what had to happen to Lennie, but I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted tobelieve in the farm, with the rabbits, where they could all be happy. I wantedthe dream. Steinbeck gave me the reality. I both loved and hated him for that.The loneliness of this novel. The profound loneliness and isolation. Thedesperate search for connection. So haunting and beautiful.

Yes, there’s vulgar language, violence, and I suppose it’ssomewhat derogatory toward all of those groups – but it’s true to the time itwas discussing, so should Steinbeck have sugar-coated the truth? The bookwouldn’t still be a classic today if he had. I’m not so sure about thereligiously profane part. It’s been a while since I read it but I don’tremember religion being that big of a factor. Maybe that’s what they have aproblem with? Maybe if George had prayed before picking up the gun, all wouldbe well?

Side note: we did an adaptation of this at my theater a fewyears ago, and the men that played the leads are two of my favorite localactors. I’ve often said I’d watch them read the phone book for two hours and bethoroughly entertained. Every night, without fail, I’d come from wherever I wasin the theater to the light booth to watch the final scene between the two ofthem, and every night, I’d bawl my eyes out. It was that touching. This is apowerful book.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey

Reason for ban: Vulgar language, suicides, anal/homosexualrape, graphic sex scenes, child sex, losing virginity, prostitution, alcoholand drug use, antireligious references, and self injury

Synopsis: A rebellious man fakes insanity to get out of aprison sentence and gets institutionalized instead, where he meets a group ofmental patients and conflicts with the staff of the hospital.

OK, I have to say, I don’t think I’d especially want mysixth-grader reading this, unless he or she was pretty advanced and able tohandle serious situations. I mean, there’s some severe shit going down in thisnovel. And, upon re-read, McMurphy’s kind of a cock. I mean, he’s a badass, andyou sort of admire him? And he’s not like Nurse Ratched, or anything, I mean,damn. But he’s kind of all in it for himself and doesn’t think about how hisactions will impact others. However! This is literature, people. We shouldn’tbe banning it. You can’t read that last section with the Chief and not cheer.You can’t read what happens to McMurphy at the end and not weep, no matter howid-driven he is. I can’t imagine this not being a good book to teach in asenior high school lit class. The discussion you could have would be epic.

Also, the movie kind of rocks, and movie adaptations areseldom as good as the books. Jack Nicholson, I love you.

To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

Reason for ban: Rape, domestic abuse, racial slurs, violence

Synopsis: A young girl in a small Southern town during theGreat Depression deals with the racism surrounding a case her father, a famouslawyer, has taken on.

If you don’t allow your young adults to read this book forany of the reasons listed above, there is something irreparably wrong with you.Everything about this book is perfect. There’s not a word wasted, not a scene,nothing. It won a goddamn PULITZER. It translates beautifully to the stage orthe screen. It’s beautiful. And it covers important topics that you should bediscussing with your children. Racism. Sexism. Domestic and sexual abuse. Thatadults and those in charge are sometimes not right. That sometimes, things aren’tfair. That appearances can sometimes be deceiving.

Can you even hear the name Boo Radley without shivering alittle? Can you even think of Atticus Finch stepping out into that street tokill the rabid dog without tearing up a bit? How about the phrase “Miss JeanLouise, stand up. Your father’s passing.”? Or ‘Hey, Boo,’ I said.”? Or “Thankyou for my children, Arthur.”? There is nothing about this book we need toprotect children from. There is everything in this book we need to introducechildren TO.

And Atticus Finch. ATTICUS FINCH. I want an Atticus Finch. Iwill not be happy until I have an Atticus Finch. There is no man who willmeasure up to the bar that literary man has set in my mind. Why in the hell would we NOT want our children to aspire to Atticus Finchian levels of honesty, bravery and class?

The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

Reason for ban: Pornographic, sexual and anti-Christiancontent

Synopsis: in a dystopian and war-torn future, women arestripped of their families and all rights and are forced to serve men inwhatever capacity the men see fit.

Yeah, I can see why the book-banners wouldn’t want you toread this. Because women are treated like property, and are forced to mate andbear children with the men in power. But if it ended there, I have to wonder ifthe book-banners wouldn’t be all, oh, ok, then, good? But the women FIGHT BACK.In my mind, that’s what they object to.

The anti-Christian content they object to, by the way, isthat the men in the book are doing all of these things to the women BASED ONPASSAGES FROM THE BIBLE. So really, this isn’t too far from the hatemongers whoare all “THE BIBLE HATES GAYS SO IT’S OK IF I THROW ROCKS AT THEM GOD SAYS ICAN!!!”

You know what? This is a cruel book. It’s a heartbreakingbook. But it’s a book I think any young woman should read. It makes you angry,and there’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. Our young women SHOULD beangry about the way they are treated, and this is just an extension of what’salready happening.

Speaking of Atwood – my second favorite book of all time (myfavorite book will be discussed below) is Cat’sEye. If you haven’t read this, and have an interest in the cruelties younggirls can inflict upon one another and how this can affect women well intotheir adult lives, I highly recommend it. It’s a beautiful, evocative, lushread. I’ve read it so many times my book’s held together with duct tape andI’ve written in it so much that my notations are as thick as the text.

The Things they Carried – Tim O’Brien

Reason for ban: Profanity, drug use, violence

Synopsis: a selection of short stories with similarcharacters linking them about the Vietnam War and the political climatesurrounding it

This is poetry in short-story form. Sure, it’s profane. It’sabout a group of young men who were drafted and forced to serve in a war theyhave no interest in. But you care about these people. You love these people.You weep for these people. It’s a master class in writing. It’s everything doneright. It’s taking ugly, horrible, painful, violent, bloody situations andshowing them both as they are and the beauty in them. It’s a must-read foranyone in a creative writing class, in my opinion.

A Prayer for Owen Meany – John Irving

Reason for ban: Anti-religious content, criticism of the USgovernment, vulgar language, sexuality

Synopsis: an expatriate in Canada reminisces about his bestfriend and their childhood in the 50’s and 60’s in New Hampshire.

“I am doomed toremember a boy with a wrecked voice. Not because of his voice, or because hewas the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument ofmy mother's death, but because he is the reason I believe in God. I am aChristian because of Owen Meany.”

This is my favorite book of all time. Ever. I highly doubt Iwill ever read a book that lives up to this one; I suppose anything ispossible, but I don’t expect to, and I won’t be sad if I don’t. This book isperfection. I have no need to search for anything better because I’ve alreadyfound everything I want between these covers.

I won’t spoil this book because I want you to go out, rightnow, if you haven’t already read it, and read it. Maybe you hate Irving. Thereare a lot of people who do. I know his voice isn’t for anyone. I’m one of thosepeople who love Irving. I’d read anything he writes. I love his quirky voice,his repetition of favorite scenes and moments, his love of (for some reason)Prague and bears.

A good friend in college gave me this book. I didn’t expectmuch, but read it because I loved her and she rarely steered me wrong. By theend, I was sobbing so hard I had to put it down, before I had finished it.Irving’s good with foreshadowing, and when it all finally came together, and Ipieced together the clues into the picture puzzle they made, I didn’t want tolook at it. It took me days to finish it. It was sitting there and I didn’twant to pick it up. I knew it would devastate me. I knew what would happen.

I’ve read it repeatedly since, probably once every year orso. I’ve found new things upon every re-read. It’s sincerely the best book everwritten, in my opinion. I want you all to read it. I want the world to read it.I want to share it with everyone. Which is why seeing it on the banned booklist infuriated me.

Does it have all of the things it’s being accused of? Yes,it does. Should it be read with caution? Yes, I’d recommend it to older readers– but mostly because younger ones wouldn’t catch the nuances. Is it worth it?Oh, my, yes.

Oh, and DON’T WATCH THE MOVIE ADAPTATION. It is possibly oneof the worst things I’ve ever seen in my LIFE. It was a total and completeembarrassment. Please spare yourself.

Owen Meany. You can’t read this without falling in love withlittle Owen Meany. And poor, lonely John Wheelwright. And furious, beautifulHester.

So there ends Banned Book Week 2011. I’m sure that thebook-banning looneys will be busy all year so that next year I’ll have a whole cropof books to talk about. Tomorrow, back to our regularly scheduled bitchingabout nothing and getting highly offended by random shit, like WHY THE HELLMUST MY NEIGHBOR TAKE SHOWERS AT THE SAME TIME AS ME EVERY DAY WHEN HE KNOWWWWSTHAT GIVES BOTH OF US VERY LITTLE HOT WATER BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A DUMP???

Blog-centennial!

2011-09-28T15:21:00.002-04:00

I hit 100 posts today! I know to people who've been blogging forever this seems like nothing, but to me, it's kind of a very exciting milestone. Who knew that back in June when I wanted somewhere to bitch about things, I'd have stuck with it this long?

Thank you to everyone who's been reading, and I promise to try to keep entertaining, harassing, annoying, etc. you all for the foreseeable future.

Also! See the stuff on the right there? (Well, that is, if you're reading this on my blog. If you're in a feed reader or on your phone, you can't see that. So go to my blog and read this there for once!) There's a blogroll over there. I am anal as hell about that blogroll. Those people are amazing. They are excellent bloggers, some of whom I know personally, some I don't, but all of whom you should also be reading. Go visit them! Say hi! You'll be happy you did, I promise. They make me laugh, smile, snort, think, etc. on a daily basis.

So yay, 100 posts, and here's to hundreds and hundreds more!

Of course they needed to care. It was the meaning of everything.

2011-09-28T15:04:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, we discussed children’s books, and also penguins who shared a forbidden love, except not forbidden, and totally awesome.

Today: young adult novels. And sorry in advance, this sucker is LONG. Maybe take a break halfway through! Have a muffin! Some coffee! Take a nice walk!

As a young adult, the last thing I wanted to be reading was young adult novels. I wanted to be a grownup! Which meant reading grownup novels, full of grownup things like jobs! And illicit sex with your married next-door neighbor! And carpooling! Also, when I was a teenager, many moons ago, there weren’t a lot of good young-adult novels. We had the Sweet Valley High series. If you grew up reading these, you know they were not good. Our options were kind of limited.

Young adult literature is currently fantastic. I don’t wish I was a young adult in 2011 – too many opportunities for people to take embarrassing cell-phone videos of me – but I do wish I was a young adult reader in 2011. These kids have options. It’s awe-inspiring. Sure, there’s still crap *coughTwilightcough* but there are also a lot of amazing books out there for young adults to read, if they choose to read young adult lit, as opposed to adult lit.

I’m quickly on my way to middle-age, and I love young adult lit. I probably read as much young-adult lit as I do traditional adult lit in a year. There are missteps, sure, just as there are in any genre, but there are also a lot of excellent books out there.

There’s also a huge backlash against young adult lit right now, so much so that there’s an entire YA Saves movement out there. Do a Google search and you’ll find a ton of blogs with their stories about how YA literature saved them when they needed someone and there were no people available. Books are always available. Books can save us. I believe very strongly in this myself, as the woman a bullied teen grew into.

The list of YA novels that are banned is a lengthy one, because WE NEED TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN is very strong when the children are teenagers. The teenagers! They need us to protect them the most! Otherwise, they might see DIRTY CUSSES! And VIOLENCE! And SEXUAL SITUATIONS! That they would not see ANYWHERE ELSE EVER ONLY IN BOOKS! Oh, wait, they’ll see them EVERYWHERE else. And like I said yesterday, if it’s in a book, you can also read the book, and you can open up a discussion with your teen – and *gulp* - HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM OR HER. Whoo! Groundbreaking stuff, talking to your teenager!

Am I saying that young adults need to be reading actual pornography? Why, no, jackass, I am not actually saying that! What I’m saying is, give our children some credit. Underneath those baggy jeans that are falling down that I’m too old to understand and their trendy t-shirts are actual LITTLE PEOPLE. (Not “little people,” you weirdo. Sheesh.) With brains! And feelings! They would like to choose, personally, what they read. Even if it’s sparkly-vampire garbage.

Listen, I don’t want kids, and I don’t plan on having kids. But if I did, well, the karmic joke would be that they’d hate reading, I suppose. But let’s just assume they liked reading. I’d talk to them about the books they wanted to read. I’d suggest books. I’d discuss the books after they were done reading. We would have discussions spurred by the topics in the book. I loved the adults that talked to me in an adult way about literature when I was a teenager. Why do we assume our kids aren’t capable of handling topics in an adult fashion? Kids in today’s society are, honestly, more savvy about a lot of things than I am. Which is sad and a little scary but also true.

Today’s banned books! Young adult edition!

YOUNG ADULT NOVELS

The Giver – Lois Lowry

Reason for ban: “too negative”

Synopsis: in a dystopian future, a young man is chosen to be the Receiver of Memories for his community. Once he grasps the truth of what is happening around him, he struggles with the hypocrisy of his society.

(Note – this is actually the first in a series of young adult novels, and continues with Gathering Blue and The Messenger, both set in the same version of the future. However, unlike the series I cover below, this book is most definitely a stand-alone as well, and I like it better than the others in the series, so I’m going to include it on its own.)

I read this book in college and was absolutely blown away by the leaps and bounds that young adult literature had made since I was a teenager. The topics in this novel are deep and profound and the writing is mysterious and beautiful. I don’t want to give too much away, in case anyone hasn’t read it. I know most of you have read The Hunger Games, probably, and if you did, and you like dystopian novels, you will love this book (and the whole series, although this is the best of the three, in my opinion.) The “too negative” ban made me laugh. Too negative? Yes, the topics covered in this book are fairly negative, sure. But here’s the thing – THEY’RE TRUE. They’re a potential outcome of where our society is heading. They’re eerily accurate. This is the young adult version of Fahrenheit 451 or 1984, without being a copy of either of those novels. The people that don’t want our children to read this are the type of people that will end up creating the dystopian futures of young adult literature. Does that scare the shit out of you? It should.

Bridge to Terebithia – Katherine Paterson

Reason for ban: Violence, death, profanity, promotion of secular humanism/occultism

Synopsis: Jess, a lonely boy, meets Leslie, a new girl in town. They become best friends and create a magical world in the woods where they can play and use their imagination together.

You’ve all read this, right? You have. Please tell me you have. Or you saw the movie, at least, which wasn’t as good as the book, because instead of you using your imagination to create Terebithia, the set designers and animatronics guys did and it was ok, but not great?

It’s kind of killing me to not just say what happened in this book that makes it both the most transcendent and also the most devastating thing I read in my childhood ever. But if it means I’m not spoiling even one person, I won’t say a word.

The reason this is being banned is because the book banning people – who have SO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS OMG CAN I HAVE A LITTLE OF THAT THANKS – think Terebithia is about witches or some such shit and this book will teach children that the Kingdom of God is nonsense and that we don’t need no Jesus, we can create our own religion in the woods with our imaginations and that is NAUGHTY. Well, you know what I want to teach my hypothetical and not-going-to-ever-exist child? That their imagination is a very powerful force, and to use it or lose it. This book never says that religion is medicine-man hokum. If that’s what the book banners are reading into it, well, they’re using THEIR imaginations, now, aren’t they?

This book is also another example of a book that’s banned because it has a lot of truth in it that people think we have to shield our children from. There are bullies, and parents who don’t always act in the best interest of their children. There’s also A Very Bad Thing. A Very Bad Thing happens in this book. Which I won’t mention just in case you haven’t read it. But it’s something heartbreaking, and when I read this book, it was something I’d never read in a book about children before, and I remember putting the book down and actually saying, out loud, “No. No, that can’t be right,” and reading VERY VERY FAST ahead, ahead, ahead, to see if it was a joke, or a mistake. It wasn’t. I like that this book didn’t pull any punches. I respected that. This book scares the book-banners. Which is why you should read this book with your children, like, now.

Speak – Laurie Halse Anderson

Reason for ban: Sexual violence, violence against women/children

Synopsis: a young woman stops speaking rather than give voice to a tragedy that occurred in her life.

This book should be required reading for any young woman. I don’t say that lightly. Is it violent? Yes. Is it violent against women? Yes. Do the book-banners have a point in their criticisms? Well, listen, the book-banners have a point in MOST of their criticisms. They’re not made-up reasons. It’s not like I could say “I want to ban The Bible because I don’t like the way it trivializes the way toilet paper should hang over the roll” because immediately, people would say “THAT ISN’T EVEN IN THERE” and I’d look like a huge weirdo dumbass toilet-paper fetishist. Most of the reasons that the book-banners want to ban books are reasons that are actually IN the books, because it would look pretty stupid if they wanted to ban them for non-existent reasons.

This book should be read for the simple reason that it shows what happens, very graphically, to a teenage victim of sexual assault. Sorry if I gave that away, but I’m pretty sure you could have guessed from the reasons people want it banned. I won’t go into much detail, because I think you should read it (or watch the movie, which is an indie film starring Kristen Stewart before she became a morose vampire hoor – the plot varies, but it’s still fairly compelling. And KStew actually isn’t the world’s worst actor, when she’s given decent source material.)

If we protect our darling baby-pink princess daughters from all the scary things in the world? They will get eaten alive by said scary things the minute they step foot outside of the castle in their fairy kingdom. Would you send your boy-scout sons out for a night camping without a canteen and a tent? No, you would not. Then why in the name of all that’s holy would you not prepare your daughters for the possibility of violence against women?

“It’s ugly. My daughter doesn’t need to see that.” Yep, you know what else is ugly? Your daughter getting date raped because she wasn’t prepared for that possibility, or even aware that that possibility exists. “It’s violent, and violence only begets violence.” Well, I’m pretty sure a young woman reading this isn’t going to perpetrate what happens to the narrator on another young woman, so that’s a bit of a moot point. “Children don’t need to read things like this; they’re ugly.” Then don’t let children read it. Let young adults read it. And the world is filled with ugliness. This book is not pretty, but it’s true, and for how heartbreaking it is, it’s also triumphant.

Here’s something I have discovered during Banned Books Week 2011, which probably a lot of people already knew:

The people banning books are doing so because they’re scared. What are they scared of? Truth. And to keep the truth from your children, they want to make books containing it hard for them to obtain.

YOUNG ADULT SERIES

The Hunger Games series – Suzanne Collins

Reason for ban: “could numb students to the effects of violence”

Synopsis: In a dystopian future where America is broken into Districts, many of which are quite poor, young people are forced, annually, to fight to the death for public entertainment.

Have I mentioned my love for dystopian fiction? I would think it’s pretty obvious. I love it in books, I love it in movies, I love it in television series. Well, when it’s done correctly, anyway. Suzanne Collins did this series WELL.

Strong female lead. Tell me you don’t hear “The girl who was on fire” and get chills. Characters you care about. Plot so well-done and suspenseful that you can’t put it down.

Could it numb students to the effects of violence? Well, I suppose a lot of things could happen, in this crazy world we live in. I guess that could happen. I guess it could do that. I guess it could also show young women that they don’t need to be rescued by a man and that they have the inner strength needed to rescue themselves. Or that adults don’t always do the right thing. Or that our future might not be so rosy, if we’re not careful. Anything can happen, really. You know what happened when the daughter of a co-worker read the first book? A young woman who, previously, had to be bribed to finish her homework and wouldn’t be caught dead reading for *ugh* FUN? She wanted the second book. And then the third. Then she asked her mother, “Are there other books like this one? About girls like this?” I almost cried when I heard that story. I’m a little teary-eyed now. IT INFECTED HER, you guys. It made her want MORE. So by all means, let’s ban this, please. Let’s ban something that makes our young people want to read. That’s a good move.

The Harry Potter series – J.K. Rowling

Reason for ban: Witchcraft, violence

Synopsis: Really? Do I have to? Don’t you already know? Fine. A young man finds out he is a wizard and enters a school of witchcraft, where he meets friends, has adventures, and fights enemies.

I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell anyone reading this about this series, because if you haven’t read it, or watched at least one of the movies, or read about it, or somehow absorbed something about it via osmosis, I think you might live in a cave, and how are you reading my blog?

Is there witchcraft in this series? Um, well, yes, yes there is. Since it’s about witches. Is there violence? Yes, again, there is that, especially when you get to the later books in the series.

There’s also friendship. And love. And valor. And compassion. And bravery. And intelligence. The writing and plot are crisp and work both for young adults and adults (as an adult who started the series in her mid-twenties, they certainly work for adults.) Stephen King’s famous Harry Potter quote, just because I love it: “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”

Also, there’s Neville Longbottom. Let’s set aside, for a moment, movie-Neville, who went from a chubby dorky kid to a drop-dead gorgeous young man over the years, and concentrate on book-Neville. I liked Harry and Ron and Hermione and I kind of loved Snape and enjoyed a lot of the other characters but I ADORE Neville. Neville had it rough. He could easily have been The Boy Who Lived, but Voldemort didn’t pick him. He isn’t the golden boy. He keeps his head down, he does his job, he works hard, he’s a good friend, and he gets bullied. Relentlessly. His parents are dead (or as good as dead, really.) He lives with his abusive, abrasive grandmother. But Neville never lets this get him down. Neville is all of us. We don’t shine. We’re not the stars. We’re in the shadow of the stars. But we get our moment, once and a while. I liked everyone else. I loved Neville. My heart broke for Neville, book after book after book. This is something we should ban? This is something we should keep from our children?

Is this series going to make young adults want to start practicing Wicca? Well, I suppose, some of them. I can’t rule that out. But most of them will be turned off when they realize they can’t make potions that turn them into other people or make things levitate or create a Patronus, I’d imagine – and the ones that stick with it, well, I’m not going to say it’s a bad thing, because it’s a good practice that I’ve been involved in and it promotes caring about yourself, the earth, and other people. Is it going to make them violent toward one another? Well, again, I suppose anything’s possible, but I think it’s probably fairly unlikely that Harry Potter is inspiring anyone to attack their classmates with a Cruciatus Curse. Or that they’d have the right wand to do the deed correctly, honestly.

The His Dark Materials series – Philip Pullman

Reason for ban: Drug use, violence, cruelty against children and animals, anti-Christian message

Synopsis: In an alternate England where magic works side-by-side with science, a young man and woman come of age while having a series of adventures.

If you’ve seen the movie, please pretend you didn’t. The movie was not indicative of how amazing, brilliant, heartbreaking, awesome, and wonderful this series is.

Lyra Silvertongue. One of my favorite literary heroines of all time.

I’m always amazed when people haven’t read this. It’s the forerunner to Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, people. It is BRILLIANT.

It’s pretty obvious why it would be banned. This book does not care much for God, and does not hide that fact. At all. I won’t spoil it, but when it comes to God, this series pretty much says, “Who needs THAT nonsense?” and kind of literally, too. Read it. You’ll see what I mean. It’s not a series for someone who doesn’t like to ask questions, or who doesn’t like their worldview shaken. But it is a series for an intelligent reader, a thoughtful reader, a caring reader. Lyra is a strong female lead who – shocking news ahead! – MAKES MISTAKES LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN WOULD OMG. Real things happen. People die. Sometimes the wrong people. People make the wrong decisions; people screw things up irreparably; people in this series are very much like everyone you’d meet in real life. They’re not above error. And you love them for it. And you root for them. And you weep with them, and you cheer for them. It’s not a happy series, overall. But it’s a TRUE series. And sometimes that’s better, both for young adult readers and for adult readers, because real life is messy, and if you’re reading books where everything turns out perfectly all the time, you start to wonder why things in your own life are so screwed-up if everyone else’s lives are so perfect.

I know, I know, I promised to keep this brief. I didn’t succeed. I’m a bit of a book nerd, as you can tell. If anyone’s still with me, you’re probably as much of a book nerd as I am, and I love you for it. Tomorrow (hopefully, if work doesn’t kick my ass into submission like today did!), my favorite banned adult novels, or why the classics are warping the youth of America’s minds so badly they will probably die unless we ban the shit out of them for their own good.

And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.

2011-09-27T12:57:00.001-04:00

I was the girl reading quietly in the corner all throughschool.

I know, you can’t tell, now. I’m pretty loud, nowadays. Butas a quiet and socially awkward kid, who grew into a quiet and even moresocially awkward teen, books were my escape.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but the library was mychurch. Well, ok, fine, CHURCH was also my church, I mean, I went to church,but if I had gotten to CHOOSE a church, it would be the library. It still is,too. That hasn’t changed. Now, given my choice in the matter, I worship at thedual temples of Library and Theater. But the library. It’s still the same, allthis time later, walking in there. The scent of it. The hush of it. The headyknowledge of all of those books, and you could check out any of them, and eachof them has a different world inside, waiting for you to discover it and getlost in it.

There was nothing I loved more than getting lost in a book,as a kid. My parents still tell stories about bringing me to family events andme refusing to interact with anyone, just curling up on the couch and readinguntil it was time to go home. I spent an entire family reunion in the car readinga Stephen King book because I had just discovered him and there were SO MANYBOOKS and they were SO GODDAMN GOOD that it was all I wanted to be doing. (Oh,and also I hate family reunions. I DON’T KNOW WHO ANY OF YOU ARE. Sonervous-making.) My father always wanted to take us on long drives on Sundayswith a secret final destination; I would get so frustrated because without himtelling me how long I’d be in the car, I’d never know how many books to bringwith me, and there was nothing more painful than running out of readingmaterial and being forced to sit and stare at the landscape or (shudder)interact with people.

It’s Banned Books Week this week, September 26-October 3. It’s appropriate this week comes right in my favorite time of year, and rightas kids are coming back to school, I think. One of the purposes of the week,other than to highlight banned books, is to “celebrate the freedom to read.”What a beautiful phrase. The freedom to read. Because it is freedom, really, tobe able to walk into a library and have a choice of whatever you’d like, and it’sfreedom to be able to read it without fear of persecution, and it’s freedom tohave the education needed to understand what’s being read. It’s a beautiful,rich freedom. It’s something I’m thankful for every day.

I researched some of the most frequent banned books, inhonor of this week, and chose some of my favorites from the list (and one thatI haven’t read, but it makes me UTTERLY FURIOUS) to highlight and talk aboutbriefly. I know most of you are inundated with banned books posts this week.You know what? Good. Read them. Find out why the books are banned, and then,oh, I don’t know, READ THE BOOKS. Because someone banning a book is taking awaysomeone else’s freedom. Without getting too political, we’re a country losingmore freedom every day. Be a little subversive. Stick it to the man. Read abanned book. Or, even better? Since you’ve probably already read these, share abanned book with a younger reader. Kids, especially teens, LOVE the idea ofdoing something they’re not supposed to. Well, play up that angle, if you must.All of these books are guaranteed to open up conversations, open up minds, andteach readers something – and piss someone off in the process. (Also, these areall vetted by me, and I have a little over THREE DECADES of experience withamazing literature. I’m no fly-by-night ne’er-do-well, here. THESE AREEXCELLENT NOVELS.)

Today, I’m concentrating on children’s books; tomorrow, youngadult novels; and Thursday, adult novels (which could also be read by youngadults, because any book I read today, I probably would have read as a youngadult. I was reading quite a bit I most likely “shouldn’t” have been, as a teen.I don’t see any long-term damage from it, other than I had the vocabulary of an80-year-old retired librarian and the other kids hated me.) So yes, you getthree days of banned books posts. If you are only here because sometimes I canbe funny, I apologize. Maybe some of the things I say ABOUT the books will befunny. But mostly, they’ll be pissed.

I have to give a disclaimer, here. I know Google gives theoption of putting a pop-up for “adult language.” But I’m going to be cussingover the next few days. Probably lots. Banning books PISSES ME OFF. People thatban books PISS ME OFF. They have nothing better to do than read books and decide– as if they are King Shit of Turd Mountain (someone said this to me once andit made me laugh so hard I snorted because it’s the stupidest, yet I keep usingit, because I have the sense of humor of a teenage boy, quite often) – what isSAFE FOR THE CHILDREN. Oh, my, my favorite argument, WHAT ABOUT THECHILDREN?!?!?!? You know what? The children, they’re going to be alright. Thechildren see worse than what’s in these books every day at school, ontelevision, on the bus, amongst their groups of friends. If it’s in a book,parents have the option of also reading the book, and then having a meaningfuldiscussion with their child after they’ve finished reading. I can’t wait untilmy nephew is old enough to read books with substance. I have grand plans forhis literary education. (He’s already showing a lot of interest in books, soscore one for genetics! Both his mother and I are huge book people, so we’rereally jazzed about his love of being read to – and he’s already “reading” tohis stuffed animals, so it’s only a matter of time before he learns to read andthen ALL BETS ARE OFF, suckers, The Nephew and I are GOING TO START A BOOK CLUBOF TWO.)

CHILDREN’S BOOKS

The Giving Tree –Shel Silverstein

Reason for ban: Sexist, critical of the foresting industry,undermining of the parental, school, and religious authority

Plot: the story of the relationship between a tree and theboy that she loves throughout his (and her) lifetime.

The Giving Treehas the distinction of making me cry like a crazy person in the children’ssection of Barnes and Noble in college. I didn’t read any Silverstein as achild (I don’t know why, I guess he just wasn’t on my radar?) and a collegefriend recommended him to me. As a poor person (still am!) I went to thebookstore to read them. (Still do that!) And bawled my eyes out, right there inthe children’s section. Mothers were dragging their children away from me. Ihave bought this book for so many of my friends who are having children, I can’teven count. And now I find out it’s sexist? Well, that’s nice. You couldreverse the sex of the tree and the human and it would be the same story. Theother criticisms are ridiculous as well. It is BEAUTIFUL. Sad, but beautiful.As are his other children’s books. Silverstein’s books have a twisted sense ofhumor and he understood how children’s minds worked. You can’t go wrongintroducing your child to Silverstein.

“Critical of the foresting industry?” Yeah. Give me a break,please. There’s one mention of “foresting,” without giving too much away, andit’s not “critical.” I think someone was grasping at straws. Or maybe atleaves.

As for undermining everything and anything that a childshould be respectful of – the point of this book is love. This is a book aboutsharing and love. Is the boy a bit of a selfish dick? Yes. But until the kid isolder, he or she isn’t going to get that. It’s lovely, and it made me cry atthe Barnes and Noble.

And Tango Makes Three- Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell

Reason for ban - “an attack on families headed byheterosexuals”

This is the one that makes me furious. First, look at thecover.

Then, look at a real life photo of the penguins thatinspired the book.

HOW CAN YOU HATE PENGUIN DADDIES WHO LOVE ONE ANOTHER YOU SOULLESS VOID.

The penguin daddies are not attacking your heterosexualfamily unit! The penguin daddies just want to raise little Tango! The penguindaddies – I hate to say – DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU EXIST! They are too busy beingadorable and penguiny and diving for fish and waddling around and raising theirbaby! They have no interest in furthering the insidious homosexual agenda thathas you so up in arms! Why? Oh, let’s see, I don’t know, how about BECAUSE THEYARE FUCKING PENGUINS YOU HOMOPHOBIC MOTHERFUCKER?

Fine, no, I HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK. But you know what? Unlessthe final page of this book says something like “And Roy, Silo and Tango wantYOU to know that if you don’t have two daddies, YOUR FAMILY UNIT IS BROKENIRREPARABLY” then your argument IS INVALID AND IDIOTIC. There are gay penguins.It is a fact. This is a touching story. This is a fact. THE PENGUIN DADDIESWERE SO DESPERATE TO RAISE A CHILD TOGETHER THEY ATTEMPTED TO RAISE A ROCKbefore they were given little Tango to raise together. If this doesn’t tug atyour heartstrings YOU ARE AN ANDROID PERSON.

I’m sorry. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this? But my#1 of all time without any peer favorite animal? The penguin. Penguins areCHEERFUL. Penguins are ADORABLE. Penguins are KIND OF DORKY. You can’t watch apenguin waddling around and swimming and taking care of their eggs and suchwithout a HUGE GRIN. (Well, except if you’re watching that penguin documentarythat was made of tears. DAMN YOU MORGAN FREEMAN!) Once, I went to the zoo? Anda penguin escaped from his little penguin enclosure and waddled over to theotter enclosure and started swimming gleefully with the otter. The otter didn’tknow what to make of this! The otter was baffled! And I was a little worried therewould be a bloodbath because I don’t know the ins and outs of the animal kingdomand/or how bloodthirsty the otter as an animal might be. But no, the penguincharmed the (hypothetical) PANTS off that otter (hypothetical because ottersdon’t HAVE pants, they are totally exhibitionists), and they swam around likegood old chums. IT WAS THE BEST. You could not look away. BFFs cross speciesLINES when it comes to penguins. Then it was feeding time in the penguinenclosure and the penguin had to go and that was a sad parting because friendswere made that day. BEST FRIENDS.

STOP BANNING BOOKS ABOUT PENGUIN DADDIES.

Tomorrow: three young adult novels and three youngadult series, most of which are banned for being too violent for WORDS. Thechildren, people, come on, seriously, the CHILDREN. Where are the children, bythe way? Playing Grand Theft Auto,you say? Oh, ok, then. Carry on.

I totally just won the U.K. Lottery. SEE YOU LATER LOSERS.

2011-09-26T12:12:00.000-04:00

Confession: I got suckered recently.

My dad told me a story the not-too-long-ago on the phone. It was funny in a kind of weird, distressing way, so I passed it along to someone.

The story my dad told me?

“This woman who works with your aunt has an autistic son. One day, after he’d gotten home from school, he called her at work. ‘I caught a troll,’ he said. ‘I’ve got him locked in the closet.’ She thought he was making things up, but he was very insistent, so she called her husband at work and asked him to go home and check on their son. He did, and heard banging coming from inside a closet. When he opened the closet, over his son’s protests, he found a very indignant little person, who had been going door-to-door working for the Census bureau. The son had thought he was a troll, overpowered him, and locked him in the closet.”

Sound familiar?

It should. It probably happened to a friend of a friend of yours, or your brother-in-law’s cousin, or your hairdresser’s son.

It’s a goddamn urban legend.

Now, you’re reading this and thinking I’m a complete dumbass. And honestly, I have no idea why this didn’t raise a red flag to me. I think because it was my father telling it to me, and my father doesn’t usually fall for garbage. And he heard it from my uncle, who is very serious about things. As is my aunt. They are not the usual people who are suckered into crap.

It didn’t even hit me until a week later, when the person I’d passed the story along to said, “You know what’s funny? I told that story to my aunt, and she told me it also happened to a friend of a friend of hers! She must be friends with your aunt’s co-worker!” Ding ding ding! FRIEND OF A FRIEND. Shit shit shit. I’d passed along an urban legend. I’d become THAT GIRL. I was one step away from forwarding chain emails WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS WITH EMBARRASSING TYPOS and LOTS OF LOLS and HEARTS and CARTOONS OF FLAGS telling people that Obama is a terrorist because I’d read it somewhere on the interwebs. I might as well start wearing kittycat sweaters and getting a blue rinse in my tight old-lady perm.

What’s even more embarrassing is that I’m a huge fan of urban legends. I love to debunk those stupid emails. I’ve read books on the genesis of urban legends. I used to be obsessed with that awful show Jonathan Frakes hosted, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction. Did anyone else ever used to watch this? Apparently it aired from 1997 to 2002, but I caught it on reruns years later. It was horrendous. It had about six segments per episode, and you watched each segment (the segments were about ghosts, psychic phenomena, urban legends, and various other odd occurrences) and decided if it was a fact or fiction. Then at the end, Jonathan Frakes told you if you were right. Only, sometimes the show was wrong, and it would tell you that an urban legend was a fact, and that was off-putting. What can you expect, it was on FOX. The reenactments were horrendously produced, too. They were about as low-budget as they come. Like, people would run across a “set” and the walls would shake because they were made of cardboard. That bad. I LOVED IT. It was one of those shows that aired in repeats on Sunday afternoons when there was nothing else on and I’d get suckered in and I’d yell at the television. “THAT IS NOT A TRUE STORY JONATHAN FRAKES!” I would gleefully shout, as my roommate shook her head and wondered why I watched something that was obviously incorrect and awful.

I like urban legends because they are our generation’s version of fairy tales, passed from person to person, like back in the day when our ancestors would sit around the campfire telling stories to one another. Only they’re usually pretty stupid. But the ones that aren’t entertain me to no end. I love the creativity involved in them! The good old fashioned storytelling!

My favorites are the scary ones – like the gang initation/headlight thing (which many people I know ARE CONVINCED IS TOTALLY TRUE!!!) – or the really stupid ones, like the woman who dried her poodle in the microwave. I’m easily amused.

I get a lot of urban legend email forwards from people, which I like to forward back to them, with the Snopes article debunking their claim attached. The top ones they send are that Facebook is going to make us start paying for content (no they’re not), that Obama is a terrorist for so many reasons (I get this one because I’m one of those goddamn liberals and I live in the most goddamn liberal town full of goddamn liberals who are goddamn brainwashing me using their goddamn liberal brainwashing tactics – since I’m originally from a bastion of conservatism, people there think it is their duty to educate me that my beliefs are WRONG and I am SUPPORTING TERRORISTS) (and Obama isn’t a terrorist, so STOP IT PEOPLE), and a million of those chain letters telling me that if I don’t forward them, everyone I love is going to die in a horrible bloody chainsaw tractor accident and then get hit by a meteorite sent by a vengeful God.

STOP SENDING ME GARBAGE.

I even get them at work. It’s gotten so bad that my IT department had to send out a memo earlier in the month telling people the signs to look for that what you’re forwarding to people is probably an urban legend and not a very hot tip that your friends need to know in order to survive and not die screaming.

The tips from the IT department:

It suggests tragic consequences for not performing some action.

It promises money or gift certificates for performing some action.

It claims it's not a hoax.

There are multiple spelling or grammatical errors, or the logic is contradictory.

There is a statement urging you to forward the message.

It has already been forwarded multiple times (evident from the trail of email headers in the body of the message).

These are good tips, IT department. However, people don’t pay attention to them. They read these tips, they think, “Hey! Good tips!” and then forward the next damn hoax that comes along, because they think that the tips don’t apply to them. People think they are exempt from the rules of urban legends. Much like me and my stupid passing along of the troll story, they think “but this will not happen to ME! I would not pass along an urban legend!”

Let’s look at these tips in more detail.

It suggests tragic consequences for not performing some action/It promises money or gift certificates for performing some action/There is a statement urging you to forward the message.

People still think – STILL, and this started happening EONS ago – that Bill Gates is going to send them money for forwarding an email. It’s not going to happen. Also, those chain emails that say that if you don’t forward an email to the ten most fabulous women you know within the next fifteen minutes or you will NEVER FIND LOVE EVER and also, if you don’t send it back to the person who forwarded it to you, SHE WILL KNOW WHAT A SHITTY FRIEND YOU ARE? Well, color me shitty, because I just hit delete, asshole. STOP SPAMMING ME. Seriously. Why are you wasting our mutual time on this? Why aren’t you WORKING? At WORK? I mean, I know why I’m not. I’ve got a very important and socially-relevant blog about important things like whorish Halloween costumes and pie charts to write and if I don’t write in it, there are literally TENS of people who will be disappointed. But you? And the worst thing, one of the people who sent me the most of these, before I completely blocked her email, was in the medical field. Um. You’re supposed to be saving people’s lives, I think? And also, years of medical school, and you still think that chain letters both work and are something that you need to fill your friend’s email inboxes with? If I ever get injured, please bring me to any hospital but yours. Thanks in advance.

It claims it’s not a hoax.

I love this. That’s someone sending you an email telling you you’ve won the British Lottery, or someone telling you that they’re the Prince of Uganda and you need to deposit their check into your bank account, or a homeless person coming up to you, smelling of beer, telling you they just need $20 for a bus ticket to visit their sick mother. “But it MUST be true! It SAYS SO! Right HERE!” Yes! Yes it does. Well! Then how could it be A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FALSEHOOD. Because NO ONE HAS EVER LIED TO ANYONE EVER IN PRINT.

There are multiple spelling or grammatical errors, or the logic is contradictory.

Well, if it’s coming from one of the people who usually send me this kind of crap, the spelling errors could either be in the original message, or coming from them, honestly, so this one’s hard to tell. And as for logic – well, logic isn’t really the strong suit of people who are sending these things. People who are sending these things think that a multitude of celebrities died falling off of cliffs, that black and white caterpillars are poisonous, and casinos pump extra oxygen in to keep gamers awake and playing longer.

It has already been forwarded multiple times (evident from the trail of email headers in the body of the message).

Then it MUST be true. Look at all the people who have already seen it! THIS IS A FAMOUS EMAIL.

Here’s my urban legend advice.

If you hear “friend of a friend” – GO TO SNOPES.COM.

If it sounds overly jingoistic and suspect – GO TO SNOPES.COM.

If you get an email forward with a lot of caps, misspellings, and teddy bear cartoons – DELETE IT.

If you send me garbage like this – BE PREPARED TO GET A SNOPES LINK FORWARDED BACK TO YOU, or, alternately, GO DIE IN A FIRE YOU’RE WASTING MY PRECIOUS TIME.

Now, send this post to everyone you know within the next ten minutes or you will not get the money that’s coming to you, you will get boils on your face, your hair will fall out, your prince will NEVER come, and you’ll get crabs the size of cockroaches. A friend of a friend told me so. IT MUST BE TRUE.

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving is Not for You.

2011-09-25T11:22:00.000-04:00

It’s Sunday, andso far today, I have been muy productive. Are you totally impressed by mybilingual abilities? You should be, because they are dope. The other things Ican say in Spanish are “en fuego!” and “el gato!” AND I can combine my threeSpanish words/phrases to make the very impressive “el gato es muy en fuego!”which may or may not be grammatically correct but makes for a humorous phrasethat hopefully won’t ever have to be used in real life. It would be a funnything for someone to pop into a room, say, and then leave, all random-like. Iwould like that. That should be added to every sitcom ever, don’t you think?

So anyway, very productive.I’m having a visitor tomorrow so I did some housecleaning, which included thevery classy and not-at-all disgusting tasks of spot-cleaning cat urine out ofthe hall carpet; scrubbing grime from the tub floor; and scooping thelitterbox. I know! The Queen of England has NOTHING on my glamour, NOTHING.

I had two thingsI wanted to discuss today. I have to get prettified soon and go see a matineeof a show that one of my favorite local actors is in, and it’s at a fancytheater so I probably shouldn’t wear my jeans that are ripped out at the assand my “Zombies ate my Brain” t-shirt, as much as I love them both.

First: there isa huge problem happening locally that needs to be addressed.

Suicide byskydiving.

Before I start,I just want to say that there is nothing funny about suicide. I am not makingfun of suicide. Please let me repeat this in case you decide to get up-in-armsand all “AMY IS MOCKING MENTAL ILLNESS YO SHE HAS NO FEELINGS OR HUMAN EMOTION.”Nope. Not the case. Actually have more empathy toward people with depressivetendencies than a lot of other things in the world. THERE IS NOTHING FUNNYABOUT SUICIDE.

However, twopeople in the past three years in my area have killed themselves by jumping outof a plane. ON PURPOSE.

This is very,very distressing.

First, in 2008, this young man pretended to betaking photos for a school project and went up in a small plane with peopleskydiving. He then LEAPT FROM THE PLANE WITHOUT A CHUTE before the other peoplein the plane could stop him and landed on a house. And died, obviously.

This wasdisturbing on a lot of levels and we talked about it at work a LOT. I mean, Iget people who want to end it all. I do. Things get overwhelming. But in such apainful, scary, and over-the-top way? That boggles my mind. You can’t have beenthinking, as you fell, “This was a very, very good idea!” I can’t imagine youthought that, right? I get pills. Or even cutting. But jumping out of a plane?That takes sincere dedication. Also, can you even IMAGINE being the people wholived in that house. “What was that NOISE on the ROOF, Harold?” “I’ll go checkit out OH MY GOD RUTH IT IS A DEAD MAN.”

But you know, Iwas pretty sure this was a one-time occurrence. How often do you get suicide bysky-diving? And it’s not like I live in a HUGE area. I mean, sure, it’s a bigarea, but it’s not the sky-diving capital of the world, or anything.

Then, last week?

This happened.

And thisgentleman was an actual skydiver, who had jumped over 9,000 times! Who taughtskydiving! And he went up, left a note, jumped, PURPOSELY UNHOOKED HISPARACHUTE, and then fell to his death.

This is evensadder. I mean, this was a man who wanted, I think, to die doing what he loved.So awful.

I don’t evenknow what conclusions to draw from this. I can’t imagine wanting to commitsuicide in what has to be the scariest way possible, other than getting eatenby bears. This is just incomprehensible to me. I suppose people who haveactually skydived might have different opinions on this? Maybe it’s a lovelyway to go. Maybe your adrenaline is so high that you wouldn’t feel a thing whenyou hit, I don’t know. But I’m scared of planes and I’m scared of heights and I’mscared of jumping off of things (including small things, like curbs or steps,because, as mentioned repeatedly, CLUMSY) so I know if I were ever in askydiving situation? I would not even be able to jump. I would stand there inthe doorway until someone shoved me out or they landed the plane. No way I’djump out of a plane. And definitely not to my death. Eeesh.

Oh, and sidebar,eaten by bears. Remember that guy that WAS eaten by bears? Do most people find that sad orfunny? Is it awful I think he totally got what he deserved and the only personI feel any sympathy for is his girlfriend? THAT GUY THOUGHT HE WAS A BEAR. Andthat the bears were SIMPATICO with him. Dude, you so deserved to be bear chow.No sympathy. Sympathy for your poor, deluded girlfriend you got chomped alongwith you, but not with you. YOU ARE NOT A BEAR. But you ARE bear FOOD. I didn’t watch the documentary aboutthis because I don’t care to watch crazy people who think they are simpatico withwild animals. Wild animals are WILD ANIMALS. You are insane to think otherwise.

Second thing wehave to discuss. Personal space.

So I was playingaround on Wikipedia. Sometimes I get caught in a Wikipedia link situation and Iget trapped and forget where I came from, like a maze. I honestly don’t knowwhat brought me to this, but I found this the other day:

This is agraphic of the personal space with which the average American is comfortable with various people in their lives. This made me laugh until I almostchoked to death.

OK, so first, Ihave total personal space issues. Yesterday, I went to a concert. It was myfirst outdoor street concert. I’ve been to outdoor concerts before, but thiswas a free street concert thing. I’ve always had to pay for outdoor seatingbefore. So I went in expecting it to be insanity. I avoid free things, becauseusually free things are full of looneys and/or people who are badly behavedand/or people who are entitled because nothing brings out entitlement likegiving someone something for free. I’m going to write a scholarly paper aboutthis someday and it will win a prize. Is there a prize for awesome scholarlypapers? What if I include many pie charts?

So, outdoorconcert. Not as bad as you might think, but my personal space was TOTALLYVIOLATED. There was a guy pretty much humping his girlfriend in front of me(who, apropos of nothing, apparently thought he was Robert Smith from The Cure,what with the hair and the stench of emo desperation and black nail polish andsuch); there was this weird group of throwback Woodstock hippies in front ofme, one of whom was a man smoking a cigar as big as he was and that smelledlike burning hair perfume for an hour and fifteen minutes; there was some kidwith a soul patch (heaven and saints preserve us from affected facial hair) whodecided smoking a GIGANTIC joint in the middle of the street with all of thecops milling around was a good idea (and this just tickled the SHIT out of theWoodstockians – “OMG, do you SMELL that? Boy, THAT sure does take me back. Haha ha. Just like the old days!” Shut up, Patchouli Joe, there’s nothingawesome about smoking weed in the middle of a crowded street with adorablechildren with painted faces and balloon animals running around, it’s just douchey)and there was a guy who thought this was a mosh pit who kept smacking the shitout of my arm as he flailed around aimlessly to every single song. I love theband, I loved the concert, and I actually didn’t have a breakdown (I think Imight have had a bit of a contact high, come to think of it), but I did go homeand take a hot shower because PERSONAL SPACE ISSUES.

(Oh, also? I don’thave an issue with smoking weed, per se. So again, don’t be judgey. I justthink probably there’s a time and place. Also, I think it makes you very, verystupid, giggly, paranoid, and a waste of space, in 99% of cases. I don’t carefor drugs that make my amazing brain stop working as quickly and efficiently asit does. And yes, I am speaking from experience, so you know what? Suck it,haters.)

ANYWAY BACK ONTOPIC FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.

This graphicsays that the only people we’re comfortable coming in our “intimate distance”bubble are “family, pets, and very close friends.” And that bubble is EIGHTEENINCHES from us. That is only a FOOT AND A HALF. You know who gets that close tome? My cats. My nephew. And people who want to get punched. That is SO CLOSE.That is all up in my face. No thank you. One time, a person I know who waschemically altered decided he was going to lick my neck and ears because hegets away with that shit with other mutual acquaintances and apparently thechemicals he was on told him it was a good idea to try it with me, too. He’svery old and I almost broke him into a million pieces shoving him away andrunning to the bathroom to Silkwood scrub myself. GAH WHAT THE HELL.

“Personaldistance” is 1.5 to 4 feet and is for friends and acquaintances. Since I’mreserving my intimate distance bubble for cats and nephew, I’m grudginglyallowing people I love into my personal distance bubble. BUT DON’T YOU GET ANYCLOSER.

“Social distance”– 4 to 12 feet; “Public space,” more than 12 feet. I want to create a finalcategory: “Keep the frig away from me space,” 27.5 feet. I think at thatdistance I won’t have to smell your cologne, deal with your nonsense, have youmake weird eye contact, have you touch my arm while we’re talking (what thehell? Get that off me! I don’t know that you washed after you peed! GERMY HANDSOFF JACKASS!) or various other things that I find upsetting and make me want tocurl up in a ball and rock.

What? Yes, I’mtotally fun in social situations. Why do you ask?

Alright. Time tobe pretty. Christina Aguilera says I’m beautiful so IT MUST BE TRUE. I supposeit can’t hurt to brush my hair, though.

Get Back Into the Kitchen and Make Me Some Pie (Charts)

2011-09-24T20:19:00.000-04:00

My reputation as the queen of all things statistically-related has become LEGENDARY. Which is totally awesome – I love a good pie chart – but also confusing, because I think you might not know, people, how a pie chart actually works.

Three different people came here searching for pie-chart related goodness this past month. I would have discussed this with my stats post I did recently but that post got crazy-ass long and I think this deserves a post all on its own, frankly. If you are bored by my complete and total obsession with my stats, FINE, you are a killer of all things JOYFUL, how does it feel to be a JOYMISER.

If the things the searchers were looking for were things that could be put into a pie chart, I assure you, I would be all over making these pie charts. There is no bad time for a pie chart. Also, related story: no bad time for pie itself. Pie is a winner of a dessert. I love pie. When I was a kid, I was very sad because there was only pecan pie for dessert one year, and I hate pecans. So the following year, my grandmother made me a pecan-less pecan pie. Do you know what that is? A Karo syrup pie. AND IT WAS THE BOMB YO. Also I think I’m still on a sugar high from it but that’s neither here nor there. I also like cake. And cookies. FINE ALL DESSERT ITEMS CAN COME TO ME THAT IS OK.

Anyway, this is what people were searching for in pie-chart form this month:

Pie charts of the top ten things girls like

What you know pie chart

Pie chart things you can suck

These are all funny things, and kind of awesome things, and in one case, a totally awesomely dirty thing, but NOT THINGS THAT ARE BEST COMPARED USING A PIE CHART.

I’m going to give you a quick lesson in what works best when you’re looking to compare things, statistically-speaking. I’ll try to keep it brief for ADD purposes.

A PIE CHART is used to compare parts of a whole. An example: “Things People Did in the Park Saturday” would be the whole; parts would be “played Frisbee,” “picnicked,” “read books,” and “masturbated behind a bush and then cried because they realized they would be forever alone.”

A BAR GRAPH is a little more confusing. There’s an X-Y axis. The X-axis is one value (for example, “% crazy”) and the Y-axis is another value (“how long I went out with them.) Then you put bars in the graph and you can see things like how crazy someone is compares to how long you dated them. (Spoiler alert, the crazier, the longer we were together. More of an indictment of me or them? I refuse to answer this question.)

A LIST is something you can make for any reason, at any time, if you are sane or a looney, and it can be adapted to any situation. You can make it a simple list; you can make it fancy and make it a pro and con list.

There are also much more confusing things that are harder to explain, like a line graph, an area graph, an X-Y plot, a scatterplot, a histogram, a Venn diagram, a frequency polygon, etc. But I’m just going to go ahead and assume, since you just keep searching for everything with “pie chart” in front of it, that the nuances of statistics escape you.

A note about lists. Lists are awesome because you can make them anywhere. On the back of a receipt. On a laptop. On a post-it. I am a consummate list-maker. So are crazy people, though. I know that. I get it. I’m pretty sure the Unabomber liked his lists a great deal. But I’m kind of a weirdo obsessive, and I like there to be lists. I like everything to be in list form, so I can CONQUER IT. I also like to be able to look over the lists. For example, I write down every book I read every year in list form. Then, at the end of the year, I make a list of my top ten books of the year. Why do I do this? No reason whatsoever other than to look back at the top ten books I read over the past 5 years and say, “Hey, I like that author, I should see if he or she has anything new coming out soon!” Things like that. Also, lists are calming. Soothing. Relaxing. Organized. Sane. Except if you’re a crazy, I suppose. How to tell? Well, if your list is titled “People I Want to Die in a Fire” or “Things I Haven’t Put Up My Nose Yet This Year” I’d probably say you’re a nutbag. But if your list is something like “Discontinued Nail Polish Colors to Look for On Ebay” you’re just obsessive-compulsive and a hoarder. You’re welcome!

I think what you want, people who are searching, are lists. Because pie charts wouldn’t work in these situations. You aren’t comparing anything. So here are your lists. I TOLD YOU I AM HELPFUL.

Top ten things girls like

Sanity

A sense of humor

Cleanliness

Self-reliance

A job

Intelligence

Ability to express emotion

Adult conversation and debate skills

No dead hookers in the closet

That sexy lower-back dip thing that man have that makes our knees wobble

What you know

Stuff

Things

That this is a stupid question

How to change my own wiper blades

That “I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot” is one of the best lines of rock music ever written

That most people are total jackholes but sometimes people will surprise you with their beauty and sincerity

That I am loud and annoying but for some reason people seem to like me anyway

That my nephew is better than anything ever

That certain Saturday Night Live skits will never not be funny to me, no matter where I am or what I’m doing

That if I don’t stop answering this question the rest of this post is never going to get written

Things you can suck

Lollipops

Your mom

Your dad

Your thumb

Popsicles

Straws

Jolly Ranchers

Pickles

Peppermints

The government teat

Lemons

Rocks

A bag of dicks (credit to Cara)

See? LISTS. Lists, not pie charts. And, as a final example, some pie charts done correctly (none of which I made myself, sorry, they're all stolen from the Interwebs and I have no idea who the authors are so thank you, anonymous authors!):

YOU ARE SO WELCOME.

I Have a Lot to Answer for On Judgment Day.

2011-09-23T13:09:00.001-04:00

Iused to kill animals for a living.

Gotyour attention, right? There’s probably some journalistic name for that. Tagline, or something? What the hell do I know. I’m not a journalist. Althoughthat would kind of be an awesome job. But only if I could say “I’m with thepress” a lot, and if I got to wear a fedora.

Iworked at a humane society for two years in my twenties, and, among otherthings, one of my duties was putting animals to sleep. I think this may haveled to my jaded worldview. It’s hard to be all unicorns and rainbows when youhave to give ten perfectly good dogs a shot that puts them permanently to sleepand they die in your arms, and then you have to move on to culling out thecats.

Ifyou say this to someone, they look at you like you're a Nazi. They get big,scared eyes, like you might be concealing a death syringe in your blouse. Theysay, "how could you KILL the BABY ANIMALS?" I didn't slaughter themwith a chainsaw or a club. I put them to sleep, quickly and humanely, so therewas room for other animals in the cages. It was not something I enjoyed. I canhonestly say there wasn't an employee there who was twisted enough to enjoythat part of the job. The main reason I had to do this? Because dumbasses kepteither abandoning or not spaying their pets, and because people would ratheradopt an inbred puppy-mill mall pet than an awesome shelter rescue.

Surprisinglyenough, I loved working there. I got to work with animals, was the main reason.Yes, I had to put them down – sometimes daily, sometimes weekly – but I alsogot to play with them every day, and adopt them out to good homes, and reunitelost pets with their owners, so that was enjoyable.

Istarted out as a kennel employee and worked my way up – well, that’s really notthe case, it wasn’t my can-do attitude that did it, it was the fact that peoplewith more seniority quit – to front desk over the course of my employment. Eachposition had its pros and cons.

Kennelemployee. Pros: more contact with the animals. More time to loaf around andchat with fellow employees. Cons: more “blue room” duty (that was the name ofthe room where we put the animals down – the whole room was, for some reason Inever was able to ascertain, painted blue. Hence the name.) More cleaning ofpoo.

Sidebar.Poo. Oh, the poo. SO MUCH POO. The animals weren’t often in the best shape whenthey came to us. We were the only shelter in the county, so we got all of theanimals – sick, healthy, stray, what-have-you – and often, the animals weren’twell. And this led to messes. Which we had to clean up constantly with hoses.And I was often covered with poo, so I’d have to hose myself off. Yes, I know.Glamorous! You didn’t really bother so much with “looking nice” when you wentto work there because what was the point? There would just be poo, later. Pooeverywhere.

Frontdesk employee. Pros: less poo. More time to sit and relax and read. Moreerrand-running. More time to chat with the payroll clerk, who I really enjoyedtalking to but who only worked in the front desk area. Cons: more chances toget bitten by animals who were freaked out by getting checked in by theirowners (you’d think it would be the other way around, but I actually got bittenmore as a front-desk employee than as a kennel worker.) More interaction withthe public, who were 60% assholes and 40% nice.

Ialso got to have a gigantic bunch of keys, like a prison warden, so that waskind of impressive. I'm pretty sure this cements my total badassery for alltime.

Thepeople who came into the shelter could be broken into the following:

Peoplewho wanted to adopt, and were lovely, and left happy.

Peoplewho lost their pet and were despondent and nice and I felt bad we didn’t haveit.

Peoplewho lost their pet and were angry, as if it was our fault we didn’t have it.

Peoplewho lost their pet and were there to pick it up and were happy we’d found it.

Peoplewho lost their pet and were there to pick it up and were furious they had topay to get it back.

Peoplewho wanted to volunteer and were nice about it.

Peoplewho wanted to volunteer but had a hidden agenda, like condemning us for being a“kill” shelter.

Peoplewho were crazy. (Cat lady on The Simpsons? Pretty sure modeled after a sheltercustomer we had.)

Very stupid people who asked for things like "baby kittens - like, one week old? These are TOO OLD."

Thieves.

Thenice people were outnumbered by the jerky ones, who were always there. Theywanted to yell at us for killing animals (but they didn’t want to take any offour hands to alleviate the overcrowding that caused us to have to put animalsdown in the first place.) They wanted to harass us for charging them money forthings like licenses and shots and adoption fees. They wanted to adopt pitbulls to fight them and they didn’t want to get them fixed, which was mandatoryat our shelter, and when we refused on both grounds, they wanted to fight usabout it. (Seriously. One guy asked me if I wanted to “take this outside.” Um,not really? What are you going to do, sic one of your other dogs on me?)

Wehad a handful of people who stole animals right out of their cages and ran outthe back door with them – their own pets, because they couldn’t afford to getthem back, or animals they wanted to adopt. We ended up having to lock theanimals in their cages, it got so prevalent. We had a woman who did asuper-secret “expose” about the shelter and our practices and put it in thepaper and THAT brought the kumbaya people out of the woodwork for almost amonth. (There was nothing wrong with the shelter or our practices. We had toaccept every animal that came in the door. Because of that, we had to putanimals down. We had a finite number of cages. There is nothing confusing aboutthis. We treated the animals well, we were kind to them, and ask anyone whoworks at a shelter where there is overcrowding, euthanization is a sad, butnecessary, fact.)

Therewere exciting moments. One year, there was a rabid skunk outbreak in thecounty, so the animal control officers had to set up skunk traps all over thecounty and bring us skunks, which we then had to put down with a syringeattached to a long pole and send off to be tested. At least once a day, one ofmy coworkers would come in, all, “Have to go home, got sprayed” and we’d be aman down as they tomato-bathed the smell away (it never completely went away.)Once someone brought us a buzzard they found by the side of the road and I gotto feed it hamburger meat. Once we got to take care of a horse. Once we got topull porcupine quills out of a doped-up dog who kept trying to bite us but wasso drugged he was moving as slow as a sloth so we could avoid his slow, slowjaws. We also had, over the course of my employment, chickens, rabbits,ferrets, snakes, birds, fish, and raccoons.

Wehad court-case dogs on lockdown in a back room – dogs that were being heldwhile their fate was decided by a judge. We’d have them for anywhere from tendays to almost a year. We all fell in love with a German shepherd who’d killeda goat and were all rooting for him, until the court ruled in favor of hisdestruction. All of the shelter employees, who’d been taking care of him forthe better part of eight months, crowded around him as we gave him his shot,and all five of us, who, just to look at us, were kind of badasses, bawled oureyes out.

Anotherdog being held was a lab-pit mix with amber eyes. He was the most beautifuldog. And protective, and sweet, and very intelligent. Unfortunately, hisprotective side had led him to bite someone, who was suing to get himdestroyed. One of my coworkers – a quiet, tough guy with tattoos and a shavedhead – loved that dog. When the order came to destroy him, he said he’d do ithimself, and brought him into the room. My heart hurt. When, a couple weekslater, that same coworker showed up at work with his new dog – a lab-pit mixwith amber eyes, but now, a different name - our eyes met. We never discussedit again. As far as I was concerned, it was a different dog. A different,loving, protective, sweet, intelligent dog, who acted like he’d known me forthe better part of a year.

Iwas bitten a number of times, but never badly. Only on the hand, and only bycats. Cats are mean! Dogs telegraph when they’re going to bite, usually. Catsare snake-quick and have sharp little teeth. When we got bitten, we had to goto the free clinic for antibiotics. It got to the point where they knew all ofthe shelter employees by name over there. I was on antibiotics more than Iwasn’t. One of the hazards of the job, I guess.

Peoplewere also a joy in that they’d do things like leave boxes of tiny kittensoutside our door in the middle of a winter night so that when we came in in themorning, we’d have a box of dead kittens to deal with. Thanks! Apparently the“Humane” part of the name escaped you when you decided this was a good idea. Wealso got a dog someone had shot in the head and left for dead – somehow he’dsurvived, and a very nice family adopted him – a dog someone had set on firewho needed skin grafts, and a number of cats people threw out of the window oftheir car at the shelter building and just peeled out of the lot. Just in caseyou think the human race is on an upswing, go work at an animal shelter for afew days.

Also,in case you think this was a totally glamorous and high-paying gig? Minimumwage, 10 hour days, no two days off in a row until you had seniority (it tookme almost two years to get the seniority to get the two consecutive days off,and then I moved to another state, which meant giving up my plum time-offposition, dammit), no sick time, and vacation time only after you'd workedthere a year (and it was up to the discretion of the director if you could takeit or not, or when you could take it, after that.) None of us were there forthe glamour, I can assure you.

Soyes, I’m an advocate for adopting your pets, not buying them from a puppy mill.I’m an advocate for spaying and neutering. I donate to animal-relatedcharities. I still go all smooshy when I see a big, tough pit bull being walkeddown the street (contrary to popular belief? They are honestly very, verysweet. We had more chow and small yappy-dog bite cases over the years thanpits.) I am fantastic with animals, but I also know the dark side of it all.I’m very practical about it. Chalk it up to skills I have, but hope to neverhave to use again: I can tell how old a cat is by looking at its teeth; I'm noteasily grossed-out by some of the nastier messes an animal can produce; I cantell you what sex your kitten is with a quick peek; and I used to kill animalsfor a living.

An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 3)

2011-09-22T11:13:00.001-04:00

Dear People Who Find my Blog Accidentally:

Good morning and happy September! First, I’d like to thankyou for really stepping it up this month. Last month, you had me down in the dumps. You seemed to be accidentally searching mainly for two things – Zak Bagans andSpencer Reid. As I am openly disdainful of one and in love with the other,these were, I suppose, common routes to get here accidentally, if not a littlesad and/or wrong. They were not very interesting, however. They did not make melaugh with glee when reading my stats.

Me after reading last month's stats. SAD EFFING PANDA.

This month, though, oh, you people! You win. You totallywin. I have no idea what kind of nitrous oxide you’ve been sucking before doingyour various Google searches that brought you here, but I LOVE YOU SO HARDRIGHT NOW.

But you totally need my help. Because you are completelylost. Some of you are looking for answers to existential questions; some of youare pervy; some of you have intelligent searches that need to be addressed;some of you need help with your grammar. I CAN TOTALLY HELP WITH ALL OF THESETHINGS. I live to serve. I am the most helpful! It has been proven time andagain. Although yesterday the office copier broke and I didn’t help with that.It’s very touchy. It’s a special snowflake and if you walk too heavy-footedpast it tray three jams. You have to really be on top of your game to deal withthat copier. I just wasn’t. But TODAY! Today I am. So here we go! Solving theworld’s problems, one search term at a time.

To the person whocame here by searching for Hyperbole and a Half Letters Volume 2:

I don’t know whether to be flattered or to apologize. Both,I guess. Listen, Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half is amazeballs. I’m pretty sure when you accidentally got to Lucy’s Football youwere all whaaaa? and noooo and ughhhhh. And you’d be right to be that way, ifyou were to compare our two blogs. Because if you were to compare the two ofus, she’d win. By a landslide. I’m cool with that. I mean, Allie created Clean All the Things. How the hell can I compete with Clean All the Things? I can’t. And I’m not evengoing to try, really. So, person, I am sorry to have let you down so completelyand utterly. But sometimes I talk about whores. Whores are fun, right? I mean, you could come by accident, but stay for thewhores. No? FINE.

To the pervs who camehere because they thought there would be free porn:

There’s not. But I’m pretty sure you realized that when yougot here and were totally depressed about the fact that the perviest I get isdiscussing Halloween costumes and doctors of lady-bits. It does not discourageyou, though! Not you, pervs! You want to know about whores that have beenridden hard and put away wet, you want to know about scrappy porn, you want toknow about the naughty limerick “There once was a girl from Nantucket,” and youwant to know about “sandy sex” slang. Well! These are all things, sadly enough,that I have covered here at one point or another. I do feel like when you gothere, you were not expecting my neurotic ramblings, however. Pervs, listen. Ifeel for you, I do. (NO, NOT “FEEL” YOU CUT THAT OUT.) It must be a hard life,no pun intended, being a perv. All day, you walk around pretending to be anormal member of society; but inside, you are a dirty perv, just dying tosearch for internet porn or jack off in the adult room of the local video storeso that the college kid now doing the job I used to have has to clean up yourused tissues. Well, perv, I am sorry about that, I truly am. Also, now I amworried that “sandy sex” is a thing. And that is distressing because I wasbeing facetious when I mentioned it in the context of that horrendous pinacolada song. WHY DO PERVS MAKE EVERYTHING A THING. Also, it’s HORSES NOT WHORES. We SOLVED THAT.

To the people who gothere still searching for everything related to Zak Bagans:

Zak Bagans people, I’m sorry to have let you down yet againthis month. As we’ve discussed, I don’t know much about or even like ZakBagans. And I found out today that Joel McHale calls him “The Ghost Douche” on The Soup, and that made me do a happychair dance. But I do have to hand it to you: your search terms were trulyinspired this time around. I will, for you, attempt to answer them; youobviously need them answered, and I am a champion Googler.

Did Zak Bagans wear adult diapers?

No, but he did mention in one transcript I found online thatone investigation was so scary that he SHOULD have worn them. But as we allknow, they never find anything, ever, on GhostAdventures. So probably he’s just incontinent. Steroids'll do that to a bro.

Ghost adventures zak flex

I don’t even have to Google this. Zak flexes CONSTANTLY. He’sin a constant state of flex. For the ladies. It’s all for the ladies. Oh, andmaybe for the ghosts.

Ghost Adventures episode where Zak Bagans leaves Florida

This one is confusing. Is he always in Florida? Is it soexciting and total news when he leaves the state? Is he not allowed to leavethe state for legal purposes? Google couldn’t even help me with this one. I don’tknow what you’re referring to. I’m so sorry. I can’t help. Here’s a photo ofZak being a douchecicle with a giant pig as a consolation prize.

To the people who gothere searching for things that are relationship-related:

Oh, sweeties, I am so sorry and want to give you big oldhugs. First, because you came here, and I know NOTHING about relationships,other than other people have them and they seem good; and second, because youseem so sad! And so searchy! And that I was not in the least bit helpful.

To the “am I ok with not getting married” person: I can’tanswer that for you, but the sheer fact that you went on Google to ask it makesme think you might need some therapy. Google can’t tell you that. Are you? Areyou ok with it? If you’re not, then get married. If you are, then stay single.But here’s the thing – if you have doubts? DON’T GET MARRIED. Marriage is not adisposable Starbucks cup that you can toss at the next rest stop, no matter howmany people think it is. It’s a serious commitment. I know divorce is just thiseasy as pie thing now, but we could cut down on the embarrassing divorce rateif we just stopped the “eh, marriage, sure, whatever” thing.

To the “I love you but” person: Aw, are you looking foradvice in telling someone this, or in having been told this? If it’s in tellingsomeone this, just be nice, and to the point, and shut the door completely,please, because if the person is at all delusional and you say something like “maybesomeday” they will hang every hope and dream on that and wait and wait and WAITfor that someday to occur and that’s just mean. I’m still waiting for a boyfrom high school to marry me who told me that I would be his second wifesomeday. He’s still married to the first one, as far as I know, seeing as how Ihaven’t spoken to him since 1992, but HE PROMISED SO I’M WAITING. If you weretold this: they love you BUT. You don’t need that shit. Someone will love youDESPITE. Someone will love you AND. Screw the BUT. (Hee hee that totallysounded like something the pervs would search for!)

To the “breakup letter all your fault” person: again, if you’rehere because you are writing one of these, same rules apply. Don’t be a dick,short and sweet, no ambiguity. If you’re receiving one – well, if the personsays it’s all your fault, that’s a dick move, no? And they wrote it in aletter? What is this, Jane Austen times? Was it sealed with wax, too? If theperson said in the letter it’s all their fault – take it as it’s meant. Theydon’t want to be with you. It’s their fault. It’s their issue. Move on.

To the number ofpeople who keep searching for the term “football people that fouse”:

WHAT THE HELL IS A FOUSE.

Urban dictionary has three definitions, none of which haveanything to do with football. It says it can be an alternate term for fiancé (“footballpeople that fiancé?” nope) or a man or woman with many skills that is veryattractive and the term is not used with an article (so in that sense it is anoun; doesn’t work. Also, what a funny new word. Is anyone using this?) or aperson you consider to be lame or stupid (which is completely the OPPOSITE ofthe other definition, slang has gotten very stupid. And also a noun. This doesn’twork in the sentence, either.) I guess that last one is the closest to working,but I don’t dig it. And this keeps happening! Fouse is a thing? Do you mean tosay house? Because I got a couple of house-related searches – someone wantedpictures of people at a house football party, for what nefarious reason, Icould not say, and someone searched for “all the people in the house” whichcould mean a lot of things so I don’t think I’ll think too hard about it or mybrain might explode. ARE THERE ANY YOUNG PEOPLE READING THIS THAT CAN SHEDLIGHT ON THIS FOUSEIAN MYSTERY FOR ME.

To the people who aresearching things that are totally complimentary to me and I love you so much:

How to survive fast zombies

Greatness is being thrust upon you now

Scott Disick why is his face so shiny

Julia Campbell eyes

These are all things that make me smile, and are awesome,and I have covered to some extent, and I am happy to be remembered for and/orhelp you with.

You cannot survive fast zombies DON’T EVEN TRY.

I asked my dad, who is an expert on all things Kardashian,about why Scott Disick’s face is so shiny and his answer was “that guy is aLOSER.” Sorry. That doesn’t explain the shininess very well. But neither doesGoogle, so I guess it’s a better answer than no answer at all.

Julia Campell’s eyes are as crazy as that goat in the Saturday Night Live Brian FellowesSafari Planet sketch, but not as crazy as Michele Bachmann’s.

And yes, greatness IS being thrust upon me now. I KNOW. I amTOTALLY GREAT. THANK YOU. I tell myself that every day, when I psych myself upin the mirror, serial-killer style, before going to work. I AM THE GREATEST.

To the person who gothere with one of the worst-spelled search terms in the history of ever but Istill loved it the most:

“hay your that chic”

I’m not very chic. And hay, as my dearly departedgrandmother used to tell me when I would get excited about something, is forhorses, not for young ladies. I covered there/their/they’re the other day, buthave not yet covered the your/you’re problem. Your belongs to you; you’re isyou are.

But yes, thank you. I AM TOTALLY THAT CHICK.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kindin your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts! Oh, if only you knew at the time what thatconversation would bring about…)

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

2011-09-21T13:22:00.001-04:00

I have a problem.

What do these names have in common?

John Bender

Chuck Bass

William Pratt

Damon Salvatore

Heathcliff Earnshaw

Gabriel Gray

Logan Echolls

If you say they’re all fictional characters, well, yes, you are correct.

If you’re reading the list and you’re seeing a correlation between some of them, but you don’t know who William Pratt or Gabriel Gray are, would it make any difference to you if I added their more commonly-used nicknames to the list? Here. Here is an amended list. Just for you.

John Bender

Chuck Bass

William “The Bloody” Pratt, a.k.a. Spike

Damon Salvatore

Heathcliff Earnshaw

Gabriel “Sylar” Gray

Logan Echolls

Better?

(And yes, I realize that Heathcliff, not actually being an Earnshaw, doesn’t ever get the surname, but the list looked weird if he only had one name, like Cher or Madonna. And also, I’ve always assumed he was Mr. Earnshaw’s bastard son, and therefore very much an Earnshaw, and also therefore, making his relationship with Cathy ever-so-much-more disturbing, if that’s even possible.)

Yes, they’re all fictional characters.

They’re also all complete dicks.

And I’m completely in love with all of them.

I have an addiction to the anti-hero.

Not just the anti-hero, either. The dickiest dick of an anti-hero, that’s the one I want. The one that would sell out his own mother and kill your sister and sleep with your best friend and eat all of your Teddy Grahams AND NEVER EVER BUY YOU ANY TO REPLACE THEM OR APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

There are heroes, there are anti-heroes, and there are these kind of guys. The Byronic anti-heroes. The broken ones. The ones that have been so scarred by something in their past that they’re never going to be any good or at all trustworthy but maybe, just maybe, you can be the one who fixes them. You can be the one person that uncovers the treasure, that unearths the jewel hiding behind the grime and filth, that reaches in and fixes what’s been broken and they’ll be loyal to you, and only you, for all time.

In fiction, it’s easy to see what’s so compelling about characters like these. They’re a hell of a lot more readable/watchable than the boring heroes or even the less ambiguous anti-heroes. They’re evil. They do evil things. But if they were just evil, they’d start being boring. We keep coming back because they have hidden motives, they have a rich interior monologue, and every once and a while, a bit of humanity will peep out of their dark places.

Bender will torment a bullied student, but then tell the story of how his father burned him with cigarettes.

Logan will force homeless men to fight for money, but then be forced to walk to the closet to pick out the belt that his father will beat him with that night.

Spike will stalk and kill people in the bloodiest fashion imaginable, but then remember people mocking him for having a crush on a popular girl when he was young.

And you can’t hate them. You can’t, because you see that humanity, and it softens you on them. You just know you could fix them, if given the chance. You see how loyal they are to the few people they let in behind their very high walls and you love them, despite their wrongdoings, no matter how bad they are.

The problem is, this doesn’t hold true in real life.

Let’s take Heathcliff. I assume most of you have read Wuthering Heights, either on your own or as an assignment for a class, or watched one of the million movie adaptations. In case you haven’t, or need a refresher, here you go:

Heathcliff is adopted by the Earnshaw family, and is supposedly a gypsy child (but it’s slightly hinted at that he might be the bastard child of Mr. Earnshaw, which makes for a much better backstory, in my opinion.) He falls in love with his foster sister, Catherine. Catherine and he have a tumultuous relationship, which is characterized by mental and physical abuse on both sides. When his foster father dies, his foster brother forces him to become a servant to the family. Catherine decides she wants to become a lady, and begins hanging out with a higher-class family and spurns Heathcliff, who is now her servant. She marries into the higher-class family despite loving Heathcliff, because he is too low-class for her. He is obsessive and furious and there is a lot of hitting and throwing and such. He runs off, makes a lot of money in shady ways, comes home rich, and seduces Catherine’s sister-in-law and marries her as revenge on both Catherine (who he knows still loves him) and her husband. Catherine is furious and dies not long afterwards in childbirth. Heathcliff abuses his wife in every way possible, for the simple reason that she isn’t Catherine, yet she still loves him completely. He then, over the years, continues to get revenge on everyone who has slighted him, while obsessing over his dead lover, by playing their children against one another. Eventually he dies because he is haunted by Catherine’s ghost.

This isn’t a very good recap, because it leaves out the simple fact that, no matter what Heathcliff does, and no matter how awful he is, and no matter how he treats the people around him (especially the women) like pawns on a chessboard, HE COMES ACROSS AS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. I don’t know how this works but it totally does. I have had a crush on Heathcliff and his obsessive love for his possible half-sister since I was twelve. No, it’s not a crush. I am head-over-heels for Heathcliff. I read it, and the intelligent part of me KNOWS what a dick he is, but the stupidly romantic part of me is very squishy and foolish and thinks “I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME LIKE THAT.”

Here’s the problem.

I had a Heathcliff, once. I was young, and it seemed very romantic. Phone calls at all hours. Declarations of love after knowing one another for a few days. Threats of bodily harm if we could not be together forever. But come to find out, there’s nothing romantic about dating a Heathcliff. Heathcliff, whose passion and fury seem very good on paper, in real life, is scary. Really, really scary. Restraining-order scary.

You do not, under any circumstances, want a real-life Heathcliff, or Damon Salvatore, or John Bender. They are broken. YOU CAN’T FIX THEM. They have to fix themselves, or get professional help for the fixing. Maybe, once they’re fixed, they’ll be up for public consumption again, but until that day, they are off the market. Don’t even try to fix them. It’s a losing proposition. You’ll just frustrate yourself and you also run the risk of getting seriously hurt, in one way or the other, in the process.

I walk the fine line of loving my fictional anti-heroes and keeping away from anyone who shows signs of being this person in real life. There’s nothing inherently bad, I suppose, in loving the fictional anti-hero. Like I said, they’re a lot more watchable/readable. They’re richer, fuller characters. I am bored to tears by the traditional hero who swoops in with motives pure as the driven snow to save the day. The reluctant slacker anti-hero, drawn into service without any desire to be there, is a little more interesting but not much. I want the twisty anti-hero. I want a backstory full of shadow and substance and a character molded by forces that did not have his best interests at heart. I want a nature versus nurture struggle. I want a twirly mustache and a big black hat hiding a heart of gold.

The problem is when you let that bleed over into real life.

In real life, even when I think that’s what I want, I now know it’s not. I know what Heathcliff really looks like, when he steps off the page. A petulant child. A broken pouting bully. Someone who wants to take everyone around him down with him. I don’t want that or deserve that. I’ve had that. I did my time with that. No more of that.

Things are always prettier in fiction. I’ll keep my anti-heroes there, where they can wreak havoc safely for my entertainment purposes. I’ll stick with my fictional dark and twisty guys. I can close the book or turn off the television when I’m done with them. A twelve-step program (“Learn to love the bland! Learn to embrace the safe!”) probably wouldn’t do me much good. I’m not ready to give them up quite yet.

Bedside Manner? WHO NEEDS IT. It is for SUCKERS.

2011-09-20T12:59:00.000-04:00

You know, I read a lot of blogs,and some of them talk about important things, like politics, or human rights,or intelligent reviews of things. And I could do that. I could totally do that.

But instead, I bring you:

A FOLLOWUP VISIT WITH DR.LADY-BUSINESS

As some of you might remember(except I did send the men away that day, and I’m warning you right now, menwho are not into these things, you might want to go do manly things right now.And men that are perverts, you should stop reading just because ew), last monthI had a couple of visits with Dr. Lady-Business. I escaped with my parts intact, so I considered that a win.

In order to not have Dr.Lady-Business remove my internal organs, he prescribed pills which made me into a total and utter insane person who cried over things like OMG I AM OUT OF ICE CREAM SANDWICHES and I THINK THESUMMER IS ENDING. Those symptoms passed, eventually, so I thought I was in theclear.

I was so not in the clear.

Two weeks ago apparently I had avery bad reaction to the pills which I will not detail. Suffice it to say Iwould not wish this reaction on my worst enemy. (OK, that’s a lie. And you knowme too well for me to get away with that. You know I totally would. I hate myworst enemy and if this happened to her she’d deserve it, and more, because ofthe bitchy over-the-top things she did to me. But I digress.)

I called Dr. Lady-Business’soffice after a few days of thinking I was pretty much on death’s door. Now,you’re wondering, aren’t you, why I wouldn’t call sooner? Because I am prettystoic about things. I mean, yes, I bitch and moan and think I’m dying, butthat’s all a front, really. I usually don’t even bother going to the doctor forthings. So for me to call the doctor about something means something is very,very wrong.

My conversation with Dr.Lady-Business’s office:

Me: I need to make an appointment with Dr. Lady-Business as soon aspossible, please. I think I might be dying. I’m having a reaction to themedication he prescribed.

Nurse: He’s out of town.

Me: Um. OK. I can see someone else, then. I just need to be seen.

Nurse: No. You need to see Dr. Lady-Business.

Me: I don’t think this can wait. Did I mention the dying? That Imight be doing?

Nurse: Yes.

Me: Hmm. OK. Thought you might not have heard me or something. Idon’t think this can wait. When is he coming back from his trip?

Nurse: A week from now. I’m sure it’s nothing.

Me: What is?

Nurse: Whatever’s wrong with you.

Me: Oh, I can assure you it is.

Nurse: These pills have severe side effects. We have people callingabout them all the time.

Me: What? I – no one even told me this. Why wouldn’t someone tellme this?

Nurse: I’ve said too much. You’ll really have to wait for yourappointment. With Dr. Lady-Business. And only Dr. Lady-Business. On Monday.

Me: So, what if I die in the meantime?

Nurse: You won’t. Also, if you get better, please call and cancelthe appointment. There are people who actually need the slot.

Well! This was a reassuring andnot-at-all rude conversation with someone you can tell TOTALLY CARES ABOUT MYIMPENDING DOOM. So I waited, and waited, and waited. And then, on Saturdaymorning, I started to feel better. I thought about cancelling the appointment,but I wanted to have a discussion with Dr. Lady-Business. I felt like maybe weneeded to talk about some things. Like:

Since these pills are somethingyou expect me to take on a regular basis, will they cause these side effectsregularly?

and

Am I totally dying?

And since I have anastronomically high co-pay with my piss-poor insurance, it’s not like hewouldn’t be well-paid for his five minute conversation with me.

I showed up yesterday and first,the parking lot is very, very small. There were two spots left. A woman pulledinto one right in front of me. No, I take that back. She pulled into one and aHALF. Leaving me a half-spot. For my full-sized car. I began to back out of theparking lot, because it’s very small and you can’t turn around, and she got outof the car and started air-traffic-controlling me into the spot. I shook myhead no and she started FURIOUSLY WAVING ME IN. Also, she was massivelypregnant. Well, listen. I am pleased you are gestating. But I will park on theside of the road and walk to the clinic, and you just take up your 1.5 spots,lady. You are aware that even though you’re 1.5 people at the moment you don’tget 1.5 spots, or to make 1.5 decisions as to where other people park, right?

I went in, and the nurse calledme back almost immediately. Nice! Running like clockwork! Until:

Nurse: So you’ll be seeing Dr. Lady-Business’s Colleague today.

Me: Well, on the phone the nurse told me I had to see Dr.Lady-Business.

Nurse: No. Dr. Colleague.

Me: I don’t mind, it’s just that last week? I was dying? And youtold me I had to wait until this week to see Dr. Lady-Business, and only Dr.Lady-Business. So I find this all very confusing.

Nurse: GO BACK INTO THE WAITING ROOM.

Then, after a lengthy wait,because I obviously screwed up their scheduling, I was shown back toDr. Lady-Business’s exam room. My favorite nurse was there. She’s the only onein the office I like, because she is covered in tattoos and has a hair colornot found in nature and hipster glasses. I feel like she doesn’t belong there.I enjoy her. Lydia the Tattooed Nurse told me to wait and that Dr.Lady-Business was showing around a medical student (still? It’s been over twomonths since my first appointment, does that med student live there?) and wouldI mind him watching? Since I wasn’t going to be all spread-eagled for thisvisit, I didn’t mind. I believe that children are our future! And that theyneed to learn about side effects of medication!

Dr. Lady-Business came in,followed by the YOUNGEST MED STUDENT I’VE EVER SEEN. Seriously, Doogie. Doogiewas watching my consultation. It was so off-putting I can’t even tell you. Helooked like he couldn’t be more than 20. But probably he was at least 26,right? Something like that? That made me feel ancient. Poor little Doogie. Helooked uncomfortable.

Dr. Lady-Business’s office hasrecently upgraded to laptops for their records, and Dr. Lady-Business does notenjoy the digital age. His manner of dealing with the laptop is to bang on it,chimpanzee-style, with a loosely-clenched fist, while asking me, THE PATIENT,why it’s not working. (Once, the answer was, “I think you have to have itturned on, but I could be wrong.”) This went on for a while, and then he askedme why I was there. Here, in all its glory, is the best consultation between adoctor and patient that might have ever happened, ever.

Me: I had severe side effects to the medication you prescribed; Iwanted to discuss them. (I explained them here. I’m not going to rehash this. Iguarantee you, you’re better for not knowing.)

Dr. Lady-Business: Yes.

Me: So I guess I’m wondering, first off, are these going to keephappening? On a recurring basis?

D L-B: Probably not.

Me: Probably not. Can youelaborate?

D L-B: I didn’t tell you about these side effects because the oddsof them happening this severely were very slim. I would think that each monththey would be less severe, until they are not severe at all.

Me: OK, so I should or should not keep taking the same exact dosageof pills that almost killed me earlier in the month?

(Dr. Lady-Business then begangrunting and smacking around his computer keyboard. I heard a muffled noisebehind me; it was Doogie. Doogie attempting not to laugh. I feel really bad forDoogie. Although he is really learning what NOT to do when he goes intopractice, I suppose.)

D L-B: Yes. Keep taking them. Until December. We’ll revisit thesituation in December.

Me: Okaaay….

D L-B: Did you notice any changes in mood while taking the pills?

Me: Good GOD yes. I cried over ICE CREAM SANDWICHES. And CELL PHONECOMMERCIALS. And I thought, well! I lost my mind! Until I thought to readWikipedia.

D L-B: We really don’t recommend getting medical informationonline.

Me: No, you know what? I don’t recommend it, either. I recommendgetting it from my doctor. Except, oh, you know what? HE DIDN’T GIVE MEANYTHING OTHER THAN A PRESCRIPTION AND A FARE-THEE-WELL.

D L-B: Sometimes these pills cause mood swings. That might getbetter. It might not. It depends on the individual’s mental stability.

(muffled laugh from Doogie)

Me: I am going to pretend you didn’t just imply that I brought abag of crazy to the table and move on in the conversation.

D L-B: Also we probably need to deal with these tumors.

Me: WHAT?

D L-B: You have tumors, right?

Me: Not that I am aware of, no.

D L-B: I don’t know if I’m looking at your chart or not. Do youthink I have your chart up?

Me: I really have no way of knowing that. I’d hope so, though.Since I’m the patient you’re seeing at the moment.

D L-B: (poking laptop) Oh, yes, this is you. Yes. Tumors.

Me: So, was anyone going to call me with these test results?

D L-B: They’re not serious tumors. We don’t think, anyway.

Me: I think you’re kind of discounting my tumors.

D L-B: We’ll look more into them in December.

Me: Unless I die first because they’re the super-fast-moving deathtype of tumors.

D L-B: Odds are in your favor that they’re not.

And – I am totally not evenkidding? THAT WAS THE END OF THE APPOINTMENT. I hope Dr. Lady-Business signedDoogie’s permission slip so he won’t get counted as absent from kindergarten.

On the way home, the strip clubright around the corner from my office (it’s actually in a really classy partof town, so the strip club’s a little out-of-place) had a big sign up that said“We will never forget 9/11” and that was really the best thing I’d seen allday. Usually, that sign advertises coming attractions, like “Performing inOctober, Cherries Jubilee and Pussy Galore!” So this made the strip club bothpatriotic AND classy and I’m sure their clientele is richer for it.

What did we learn from thisappointment?

I NEED A NEW LADY-BUSINESSDOCTOR.

And that strippers love America.

Dennis Rodman is to "The Mole" as the honey badger is to LIFE.

2011-09-19T12:57:00.000-04:00

Well! It’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day. As much as I’d like to say I could write an entire blog post about this very exciting holiday, I’m pretty sure even I can’t stretch that out into an entire blog post.

Sort of on-topic, but does anyone remember that horrendous pirate reality show from a few years ago that was attempting to capitalize on the Pirates of the Caribbean craze and it was the funniest and most horrible thing ever? It was so bad they didn’t even show the last few episodes and you had to search online to find out who won. Sorry. “Won.” Pirate Master. Yeah, it was the worst. I remember laughing myself to tears over this thing. The best part was, at the end of each episode, the contestant who was voted out was “cut adrift” and put on a raft in the ocean and then the camera would just watch them float off into the mist. I assume we were supposed to draw the conclusion that they died out there. Not everything makes a good reality show, TV execs.

Oh, and also? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE MOLE. That was my favorite show. Well, no, it totally wasn’t, but it was really awesome. First, there was Anderson Cooper, so I got to ogle him. Yes, yes, I know I don’t play for his team, it doesn’t mean I can’t stare longingly. And as an aside, I totally want to be BFFs with Anderson Cooper. I think he would know the best stories and you would have the best time with him. Also I think he would send you the wackiest texts. “Just woke up with a tarantula in my $4,000 alligator loafer while on assignment LOL” or “So don’t have the mental stamina to hang out with Kathy Griffin tonight, call me in an hour & I’ll pretend you’re having an ER and I have to jet? You’re the best, XXOO.”

(And, aside the second, is anyone else a little disturbed by the new Anderson Cooper talk show? I always saw him as classy, and haven’t seen the show or anything, but it sounds like it’s corny and annoying. This worries me. How will I look up to my silver fox if he’s getting mud facials with Kathy Griffin or whatever? Sincerely worrisome. I feel like his mom is tsking him every time it airs. She seems like she’d be totally classy, right?)

Oh, just in case you didn’t watch The Mole (and, based on ratings, the only household watching it was my own), the premise was there were like 12 people, and one of them was the mole, who was working with the producers, and trying to sabotage the others, and if you could guess who the mole was, you won, but if you didn’t, the mole won. It wasn’t rocket science.

The part I liked best about The Mole was that there were all of these clues all through the season pointing the viewer toward whichever player was the mole, but they were so insanely obscure there was no way anyone could ever get them. Like, one year, they went into a storehouse full of burlap bags, and if you looked at the first letter of every word on every bag in the storehouse, it spelled out the name of the mole. Yeah, no one at home’s doing that. That takes a level of commitment no one really has. Also, they didn’t tell us, as home viewers, this clue-dropping was occurring. So in the final episode, when they started showing all of these very random clues, the conversation my roommate and I had went thusly:

Me: Did they even show all of those burlap bags?

Her: Even if they did, it would only have been for a minute. And we didn’t even know we were supposed to be looking for clues.

Me: There’s not enough Anderson Cooper in the world to make me ok with this clue fiasco.

Then, after the Anderson Cooper seasons, they had a couple seasons of Celebrity Mole, which was even MORE awesome, if you can imagine it, because you didn’t have to waste time getting to know people. You already knew who they were! And who they were was the bottom of the barrel of celebrities. Like, the people who would eventually turn up on Celebrity Rehab. The sad chubby Baldwin. Dennis Rodman. Those type of celebrities.

Dennis Rodman’s season was the best because DENNIS RODMAN DID NOT CARE. And, spoiler alert, HE STILL WON THE WHOLE THING. I think he was drunk or high the whole time, and he was hysterical to watch because they’d be doing a task and he’d just half-ass the task. So of course, everyone thought he was the mole, because of the sabotaging. But it wasn’t sabotaging. Much like the honey badger, Dennis Rodman didn’t care. Sometimes he’d sit out the task, sometimes he’d throw things, sometimes he’d wander off and talk to strangers. It was like playing a game with a toddler. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

How he stayed in the game as long as he did was a mystery that I don’t even think Dennis Rodman understood, but eventually, it was down to three people, and Dennis Rodman correctly chose the mole from the other two teammates and won. No one was more surprised by this than Dennis Rodman. But you couldn’t tell, because he’s pretty inscrutable. He just kind of nodded and wandered off to call someone on his cell or something. The host tried to interview him about his “strategy” and went on and on about “how brilliant it was! To make everyone think you were the mole! By sabotaging the games!” and Dennis Rodman asked him what the hell he was talking about. Because he hadn’t been sabotaging anything. He didn’t want to play their stupid reindeer games, so he did something else until they were done.

This made for really watchable television. It wasn’t Dennis Rodman in his wild-man wearing a dress days, or anything, it was just hysterical because the other players were driving themselves insane, taking all these notes, comparing theories, the host was all fired up, and there was Dennis Rodman! Sunbathing on a bench! Watching the birds! Bored with the task, so chatting with a cameraman! I loved to think of the producers playing the blame game in the editing bay. “YOU thought it was a good idea to get Rodman.” “No, YOU said he was good TV, I said he had a drug problem now.” “WE CAN’T AIR THIS RODMAN WON’T PLAY THE SANDCASTLE GAME AND EVERYONE THINKS HE’S THE MOLE.”

I also miss the show Murder in Small Town X. Now, I’m pretty sure no one but me watched this. It was ten years ago, and it was not very good. But it was the funniest mélange of reality show and murder mystery you’ve ever seen. They brought a group of people to a small town in Maine, and they had them do a combination of a dinner theater murder mystery and a reality show. They were all investigators into a serial killing, and at the end of each episode, two of them were chosen to go out to obscure locations in the town and investigate clues. One of them found a good clue that they could bring back to the rest and share; the other was brutally “murdered” by the serial killer, and that part was scary because the murderer popped out from behind something in the dark and I never liked that part.

This was one of those summer reality shows that doesn’t have to be very good because it’s the summer, and they know no one is watching it anyway, so they don’t try very hard. But it actually was kind of entertaining. They took over this village and peopled it with role-playing actors in the serial killing drama and the contestants had to go around town and ask people questions. It was like dinner theater that never ends. So that’s kind of a nightmare. I hate murder mystery dinner theater. I was forced into one of these years ago and will never go to another one. It was on a cruise ship (well, I wasn’t ON a cruise. The ship was docked. You’re foolish if you think I can afford a cruise. If I had the money for a cruise I’d buy something that lasts, like a new computer or a puppy) so you couldn’t escape. And you had to ask the actors things. So I decided I would not, and would just eat and read the book I’d secreted away into my purse. But apparently the actors are trained to deal with people that won’t play along and they get all up in your face. Well, that’s off-putting. What are you bothering me for, actor? Go pester someone who wants to solve your stupid boat mystery. Also, they kept coming over and bothering me when I had a mouthful of food, like waiters always seem to. Well, I can’t ask you where you were at 10pm last night with a mouthful of dinner roll, Lady Covington, so back the frig off, ok?

The sad thing about this show was that the finale aired 9/4/01, and the winner, a NYC firefighter, died a week later in the Twin Towers. I know. Way to be a buzzkill. But he seemed very nice, and he only had a week to celebrate his winnings.

The ratings were insanely low for this show. Like I said, it wasn’t very good. The best actors were the reality contestants, and they weren’t acting, if that explains anything. But it was actually really a fun watch. It was like watching community theater people put on a reality show. I sort of loved it. And of course it was gone after one summer.

For someone who doesn’t really like reality shows I watch more of them than you’d think. I like the game shows, is the thing, like the competition ones? It’s the dating and lifestyle ones that make me tired. Oh, and I’ve never watched any of those Toddlers in Tiaras-type things. Mostly because I’m pretty sure I’d get sucked in. They look terrible and wonderful all at once.

This post has nothing to do with Talk Like a Pirate Day, like, at all, does it. I’m a total disappointment. Sorry. I kind of went off on a tangent and didn’t stop. It’s Monday WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. Fine. Arr! Scurvy! Walk the plank, matey! Pieces of eight! Avast! Poop deck! (Hee hee!) Redrum! Shit, that’s not a pirate, that’s the kid from The Shining. Sorry. Chester Copperpot! (FINE I know that’s not a real pirate thing but there were pirates IN The Goonies and I love it so much that I had to throw it in so LEAVE ME ALONE.)

Can we have International Watch The Goonies Day? I’d be down with that, please. Who do I talk to about that? Anderson Cooper? Can you help me out with this?

In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

2011-09-17T21:33:00.000-04:00

Itseems like fall is finally upon us here in New York, which is absolutely myfavorite time of year. Sweaters. Warm, filling food. Shoes with socks. Long,hot showers. The smell of fall in the air. Cool nights. Pumpkins. Apples. Woolpeacoats. “I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew yourname and address.” The rest of you saps can take your summer and its stickydisgusting heat and inability to sleep due to the oppressive humidity andmosquito bites and summer pollen allergies and go get sunburnt, because I’lltake fall every single time.

Ioften wonder if we gravitate unknowingly toward the season in which we wereborn. I’m a mid-fall baby, and my birthday’s right around the corner. And itdoesn’t matter a bit that I’m not turning any exciting age, and I’m too old tobe excited about birthdays anymore, I’m still very excited that it’s fall, mybirthday’s almost here, I can start wearing long pants and cuddly knits again,and leaves are about to start falling from the trees.

Thereis one thing we have to talk about, though. Halloween.

It’searly, I know. Very early to discuss Halloween. But I think it’s better to getthis out now, so you can start planning, rather than to pop it in there a weekor so before the main event.

First,listen. I love Halloween. I’m a big old grumpy-grump, but I totally whore myplace out as a candy wonderland. I’ve been known to stand on the porch and tellpassing kids to knock on my door because I have awesome candy. Which makestheir parents think I’m a scary molester, but I do! Have awesome candy! Lots offull-size peanut butter cups! Real brand-name things! I am all about makingHalloween exciting for children!

ButHalloween also means poor choices for adults.

Everyyear, my old roommate and I used to look forward to the flyers we’d get in thepaper around this time of year for the Party City near us, because thebadly-photographed models in their horrendous Halloween costumes would besomething to see. Recently, Noa blogged about the bad decisions that people make when deciding on their Halloween costumes, and honestly, did it better and more hysterically than I couldhope to. Because she’s Noa, and she could make a dead dog on the side of theroad the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. But I just have to point out some ofthe things I found when researching this year’s crop of Halloween costumes.

OK,I’m all for grownups dressing up and such. Fine. Have a gay old time. But it’sbeen said before and it’s completely correct – why does every single woman’sHalloween costume have to be the slutty version of something? Slutty nurse,slutty waitress. Not everything has to be slutty. And honestly, NOT EVERYTHING SHOULDBE SLUTTY. Because some of these things are bound to give you the exactopposite of a boner.

So,in honor of the scent of fall in the air that’s making me happier than anyonehas a right to be, here’s my guide to what’s on the cutting edge of sluttyHalloween costumes from Party City this year.

Becausenothing’s sexier than the killer from Scream.Oh, wait, the killer from Scream’sshowing a LOT of leg. Nevermind, then. I’m not fearing for my life, I now wantto have all the sex.

Thisone isn’t even trying very hard and that’s disappointing. It’s a jumpsuit. Atight jumpsuit. With the movie title Halloweenover one boob. Oh, and also MICHAEL MYERS' FACE ON THE BACK. Which I would show you, but the website isn't showing us. I assume because of the boner-shrinkage issue. There’snothing sexier than looking at that when you’re trying out the reverse cowgirl.

This…Ican’t even. Really? This isn’t sexy. This is sad. Just really sad. She lookslike a lost half-mime. No one wants to have sex with you, Phantomette of theOpera. Even if you sing Music of theNight while stripping on the coffee table because you drank too muchtequila.

Becausethere’s nothing men want next to their erect male members more than an emo lunatic with a fistfulof scissors.

Becauseevery man has always harbored a fantasy of having sex with the cat dressed as askunk in the Pepe le Pew cartoons. The faux fur headdress is the worst. HOW HOTWOULD THAT GET BY THE TIME YOU HAD A COUPLE DRINKS IN YOU. I don't know what the "video" link could be next to the picture but I can only assume it's the woman weeping because she's realized how sad her life choices are.

Wow. You know what’s sexiest about thiscostume, other than the gigantic pompadour? Nothing. The answer is nothing.

Thereis nothing sexier than Luigi from Mario Brothers. Oh, look, I found her husband.

MAN is he going to be pissed she stole his costume idea!

Braiiiins….braiiiins….oh,and I’ll totally suck your dick, but just a heads-up, this fake blood stainslike a mofo so it’s going to look pretty gnarly down there when I’m done.Sorry, bro. This model looks like a 70's era Laraine Newman.

I’msorry. I just don’t even know what to say about this. There’s someone whothinks Marvin the Martian is sexy? Really? Well, then have a great time withthis costume, you crazy kids. Also, the night you wear this, saying “MY EYESARE UP HERE” isn’t going to work. And the tiny hat totally makes this work forme. What the hell is on Joey’s head.

Pedophiles?Any pedophiles at this party? I’m a sexy girl scout! I’m a prepubescent girl!Hello, I have cookies! The cookies are my tits! Anyone?

This…um,other than the souvenir sombrero and whatever the hell’s going on at her waistwhich may or may not be some sort of holster, kind of just looks like ashirtdress. Fail. Didn’t try hard enough to be slutty. Although I guess if you had to do the walk of shame the next day you might be able to pull it off without being too embarrassed.

Wholives in a pineapple under the sea? Who cares, let’s do it in the coat closet.

Again,nothing says hand job like razor-sharp fingernails.

Thisdoesn’t even show a hint of cleavage. HOW DARE THIS CALL ITSELF SEXY. Fail. Also, I didn't see this movie (I KNOW! What is WRONG with me? Whatever, I think Cameron's a huge toolbag) but I don't think these creatures wore fuck-me pumps. Didn't they live in the TREES or some such shit? You can't climb trees in fuck-me pumps.

Wearingthis costume would really help you get your ROCKS off. Ha! Get it! Rocks!Because they were always making those rock puns on the show? No? Anyone? Is theclub included so you can commit suicide about how sad your life has become about twohours into the party?

Nothingsays steamy Halloween sex like a reanimated murderous doll that pops out fromunder your couch with a knife when you’re least expecting it. Sorry, this one has an axe. That doll couldn't have carried an axe. An axe is bigger than the whole damn doll was. This is inaccurate. Anyway, it goes without saying I’m hot like afurnace just looking at this one.

OMGTHE COOCH LIGHTS UP LIKE A LITTLE RUNWAY. This one’s my favorite.

Sohappy early Halloween, everyone! Remember, any costume can be a sexy costume ifyou show enough cleavage. Even the father of our nation.

Icannot tell a lie. I did have sex with your boyfriend in the backseat of yourVW Beetle.

An imbalance of bodily humours, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.

2011-09-16T13:19:00.003-04:00

Iam currently reading A Clash of Kings,the second book in the Song of Ice andFire series. I’m loving it, of course. I loved A Game of Thrones, and I’m loving this one just as much – maybeeven a little more, because there’s a little less getting-to-know-youawkwardness. There are a few new characters, but you’re also revisiting the oldcharacters, and I know them, so it’s like meeting up with old friends. It’sextremely enjoyable and I don’t want to do anything but read. That’s not allthat different from normal – I’d honestly usually rather read than mostanything – but when the book’s good, I definitely have problems concentratingon other things.

Iwas thinking while I was reading – it’s set in an alternate world, Westeros,but it seems to be set in what’s comparable to our medieval times. People tendto romanticize medieval times, and there are people who think they livedprevious lives and whenever you hear them talk about the past lives theysupposedly lived in medieval times, they were always a pretty pretty princess.Which is very hard for me to believe because listen, there were a lot ofcommoners. Like, a LOT. I can’t believe every one of us walking around todayhas a soul that was once a medieval princess in a medieval tower or something.Because that would kind of be statistically impossible, right? So let’s justassume, because I am practical, if I had lived in medieval times, I would bethe equivalent of what I am now, which is kind of a poor person. But probablytotally still awesome, I mean, that wouldn’t change. Awesomeness of thismagnitude crosses many generations.

Asmuch as I enjoy reading about medieval times, they don’t tend, in these books,to concentrate on the commoners. Because that would be one boring anddepressing-ass book. Commoners did not live lives filled with excitement andmystery back then. Also, today I did some research, and I could never, neverhave survived in medieval times for the following disturbing and disgustingreasons.

WEDON’T NEED NO EDUCATION

Commonwomen were ignored in the educational process. This should surprise no one, asit’s only a somewhat recent development that women were even allowed to go onfor higher education. But in medieval times, women weren’t educated. At all.There weren’t a ton of books to be read, which I guess was good? Because Iwouldn’t have been able to read them. Due to not being able to get aneducation.

HOWABOUT A COUPLE OF TOTALLY SEXY KIRTLES?

Medievalwomen wore a shirt, then a kirtle - a long tunic that hung to their ankles –and then another shorter kirtle over the longer kirtle. Then you put your hairup – you had long, long hair, which would totally not annoy me in the least bitand make me want to shave my head bald – into an intricate bun, or left itdown, or braided it up tight, and wore a tight cap or a veil over that. So youwere kind of all swaddled up and long-haired and wearing what, kind of anightie? A series of nighties? All the time? This seems like a distressingoutfit to be walking around in and completely uncomfortable. You see in moviespeople looking all sexy and laced up and such with mighty fine cleavage butthat seems like it wouldn’t be the case what with these seemingly endless layers of kirtles.

Two things related to kirtles. One, I was in a play a couple of years ago when I had to wear a kirtle-like contraption, and do you know how many times I tripped over the damn thing? 4. IT WAS SO LONG YOU GUYS AND I AM CLUMSY. Also I looked like a nun, a weird cranky nun. Nothing about it was appealing. Second,I just want to add that in searching for information about kirtles I found anumber of places that STILL SELL KIRTLES. I assume these are for medievalreinactors? Or plays? Or maybe if you want to be totally stylish at your office picnic, Idon’t know.

THESMELL PROBABLY WOULD BE ENOUGH TO KILL YOU DEAD 47 TIMES OVER

Sohere’s the thing. To take baths, you had to be a rich person. Because to heatthe water, you had to be able to afford firewood. And firewood apparently wasscarce. Also fires were a serious concern. So one website I read said that by themid-1300s only the very wealthy could afford to bathe in the winter. Now,listen. This is the most upsetting thing to me. Last night I took the longest,most luxurious hot shower known to man. It was delightful. I was chilly,because it’s fall here, and I’m catching a cold, so I’m a little chilled andachy. And it was just like a big old warm hug. Also, can you just imagine howbadly everyone must have smelled. Apparently in the summer, people collectedrainwater and bathed in a family barrel. Well, that’s not at all restful orrelaxing or gross. No, thanks, medieval times.

ALLTHE BARTERING

Ican’t barter, you guys. Totally can’t. If there’s not a price on something Iwant at a street fair or whatever, I convince myself I don’t need it because Ican’t even mentally imagine the nightmare that bartering would be. I wouldhaggle the wrong way. They’d tell me $20 and I’d say no, how about $25.Bartering was how they bought EVERYTHING in medieval times. I would havestarved to death in my stinky kirtle.

EVERYONEWAS ALL UP IN YOUR BIDNESS

Ifyou were born somewhere, you lived and died there. You knew everyone there, youmarried someone there, you raised your kids there, you farmed there, and I’msure everyone would talk about you if your second kirtle was too short or ifyou weren’t keeping your husband’s clothing clean enough or if you spoke tooloudly at the Winter Festival and you would never live that shit down. I woulddie in a small town. I grew up in one and I moved out the minute I was able.Everyone knowing my business gives me the hives. I like my relative anonymity.Also, if I had to marry someone I’ve known since childhood, I’d probably throwmyself down a well. You don’t even know the winners I grew up with. None ofthem were potential mates, I can tell you that right now.

YUM,MORE POTTAGE PLEASE, EXTRA SCURVY

Themost basic bread was rye. Well, I hate rye bread, so that wouldn’t work for meso much. They put honey in their water to sweeten it. That’s confusing and kindof gross, wouldn’t the honey just sink to the bottom? There was very littleprotein, and when they could, they added peas and beans to their bread (what?)or pottage (don’t know what that is? I didn’t either. It’s a thick stew ofboiled vegetables and grains. I guess that’s not the worst thing I’ve everheard of but it doesn’t sound the most delicious. Also, onions and garlic werealmost always in it. YOU CAN’T BATHE SO LAY OFF THE ONIONS AND GARLIC, MEDIEVALFOLKS.) Also, the diets were lacking in Vitamin C. You know what that means!Scurvy. Arr!

THEDORICOF YORK WAS PRETTY ON-TARGET

Doctors (or barbers, same, really)thought pixies and trolls were real. That their health was controlled by thestars. If you were sick, you had been cursed by God. There was bleeding, andleeches, and humours. If medicine didn’t work (sorry, “medicine”, it wasusually a poultice of some sort, or cupping, or something), they’d get a priestin to exorcise your demons. Also? Black Death & leprosy. All the fun wasbeing had in medieval times!

YOUBELONG TO ME

Womenin medieval times? Property. Marriages among the lower classes were a businesstransaction and the participants had no say in the matter. So in other words,my father would have picked out my beau. Now, listen. I love my father. A greatdeal. But who he thinks would be a good match for me and who actually WOULD bea good match for me are two very different people. I absolutely shudder to think who he’dchoose. Passion was considered sinful in a marriage. Well! That would certainlybe a fun, loveless, and passionless marriage, with nothing to take up your timebut waiting to die. The job of women in medieval times was to stay home, bearchildren so the husband had fieldhands, make food (and strangely enough, brewthe beer? This was a woman’s job. I’m pretty sure some arsenic would have foundits way into that beer) and keep quiet.

BATHROOMS- ???

Youwould think the websites I was checking would talk more about the bathroomsituation. I mean, I know there wasn’t indoor plumbing. Was it so disturbingthey couldn’t talk about it? I mean, I’m disturbed just thinking about it but Iwanted some internet research backup so I could reinforce my belief that themedieval bathroom situation would just about kill me dead. OK, furtherdisgusting research led me to chamber pots. Kill me dead now please.

VERMINVERMIN WHO’S GOT THE VERMIN

Oh,you do. You totally do. You’ve gotrats and mice and body AND hair lice. Isn’t that spiffy? I mean, you’re notbathing, so of course you’re filthy and covered in tiny arachnids. I’m itchingright now, Middle Ages, I hope you’re pleased with yourself. I also can onlyassume there were crabs running amok. And I don’t mean the delicious oceantype.

Ifyou were a pretty pretty princess, none of the above holds true for you. You liveda charmed life in your pretty castle and all was well and birds probably landedon your damn hand chirping away, I don’t know, whatever, and knights joustedfor your honor and you got to wear pretty dresses and jewels and such. Andsince everyone who’s ever done a past-life regression ever was totally aprincess, well, bully for you all.

Iwould have been a miserable stompy smelly kirtled peasant with a demandinghusband and too many kids and they probably would be bleeding me every thirdday for bad humours.

No,thanks. I’ll take now, please. Perfectly happy with it. Very few complaints.Shower – check. Flushing toilet – check. Education – check. Ability to speak mymind – check, check, check.

Althoughif medieval-me got to be with Tyrion Lannister…well, all bets might be off.

I H8 to tell you but I watched H8R last night. It was about as good as you might expect.

2011-09-15T17:06:00.000-04:00

This day has just about killed me but I have so much work todo I’m pretty sure my office would reanimate my and have my zombie corpsechained to my desk so I could do MORE work, is how bad it’s been. But shh, I’msneaking in for a minute.

So far, fall television has been a huge son, I am disappoint.

I’ve watched four new shows – one of which I KNEW would be awful but the showsI was PLANNING to watch in that time slot weren’t on because somehow I got mywires crossed, I don’t know, so I had time and it was on – and none of themwere all that impressive. Remember how the other day I said that right beforethe fall season started, it was like Christmas Eve? Well, it’s early Christmasmorning, and so far all I’ve unwrapped are some really boring educational DVDsand a hat that doesn’t fit correctly. Oh, and a bag of crazy.

Ringer wasn’t theworst thing ever. It was fine. The special effects were horrendous, though. Whothought they were ok? Someone ok’d these? Really? Because I’m pretty sure Icould do better with the video camera in my cell phone. I would be embarrassedif I was the person who was presenting this to the public. Also, it’s very,very hard for me to imagine Sarah Michelle Gellar in peril, because it’s Buffy,you know? I’m just wondering why she isn’t kicking the badguy’s asses andsnarking at them. It’s disconcerting. Oh, also, Jason Dohring WASN’T EVEN INTHE FIRST EPISODE. Um, this is very worrisome, why would you do that to me, Ringer? It’s early yet, though, so I’llgive it another go.

The NBC comedies UpAll Night and Free Agents were…um…well,to be kind, they weren’t the worst things I’ve ever seen ever in the history ofever! That’s nice, right? Here’s my problem with them. First, Up All Night. Not that funny, first off.Will Arnett should only play his typical stupid/smart characters, because I don’tknow if he can pull off anything else. Maya Rudolph was funny, but it’s justher Saturday Night Live Oprahcharacter, so it seems like a rip-off. And the show’s kind of stupid. Free Agents – well, listen, I havealways had a crush on Hank Azaria, and there are a lot of good actors crammedinto this series, but it’s just not very good. It’s actually also prettystupid. I guess you could turn the sound off and just stare at Hank Azaria, butthat seems like a waste of half an hour. So will I watch them again? Probablynot. I don’t see them getting much better.

Now for the bag of crazy. When I tell you the title, you’regoing to say, well! OF COURSE IT WAS INSANE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. I was curious,give me a break. H8R? I almost wantto say that title in a small voice and run away from you, I’m so embarrassed Iwatched this thing. Ok, premise is, Mario Lopez pretends to interview everydaypeople for a reality show and part of the interview is “blast off about onecelebrity you hate more than anything and BE DESCRIPTIVE.” (They don’t saythat, I added that part, but it seems to be the subtext.) So on video, we havesome schmo going on and on and on about how much they hate some celebrity like,oh, I don’t know, Snookie. Then Mario Lopez shows the video TO Snookie, who heis apparently close personal friends with. And then Snookie CONFRONTS the h8r(I think I might be contractually bound to spell it like that) in his or hernatural habitat. The h8r is shaken when confronted by his or her asshattery,but continues to act like an asshat because it would totally look like he orshe was losing face if he or she just backed down and said “Sorry, Snookie, Idon’t know you at all and was just blasting, as you do, on a celebrity thatseems annoying!” Then – THEN! – Snookie took the h8r grocery shopping (…I don’tknow either?) and they bonded a little, then she cooked dinner for his wholefamily, and at the end of the dinner, she said, “Are you still a h8r?” and hesaid “NO SNOOKIE I AM A LOVER” and she wooo-ed and all was well.

The second segment was similar only stupider, because it wasa girl with spotted hair (no, seriously, is this a thing? I will have to findyou a graphic. She had white-blond hair with leopard-like spots running downone side of it.)

Well, this isn’t a very good photo and also what's with this chick's emo eyeliner and such and I can’t find a better one so Iguess the H8R was on the cutting edge of stupid. But it was like this, only thespots were BIGGER and only on one SIDE and VERY PRONOUNCED. And no onementioned it? At all? In the whole episode? So that struck me as odd.

So anyway, Spotty hated, hated, HAAAATED Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor. I don’t know anythingabout The Bachelor. I don’t watch it.I don’t care about dating shows. Well, except for Rock of Love. Now THAT was a dating show. Yowza. So awesomelyfilled with whoredom. Anyway. She went on for a while about how awful he wasand then the worst part – “I heard he was probably GAY!” she said, in a shockedtone. Hmm. That WOULD be upsetting, because then he would have beenMISREPRESENTING HIMSELF ON A DATING SHOW OMG. The only thing worse than thatwould be if he lied about the “journey” he was taking while on the show.Because isn’t that just the best? When they talk about being on a “journey?” Itdoesn’t at all make you want to vomit until you’re sore.

So Mario gleefully showed Jake the footage and Jake got allsad and teary-eyed (honestly, he seemed like kind of a whine-ass, but he waspretty as all get-out) and then confronted Spotty at some spa she was at butfirst played a trick on her where he pretended to be hitting on her and being adouche and she was totally turned on by him but pretending not to be, so it wasall of a sudden very sad. Because you could see WHY she hated Jake. Because hewas every guy who’d ever turned Spotty down ever. And Spotty was actually quitepretty, if you did something about her horrendous hairstyle. Then Mario poppedout of a potted plant or something and kind of strong-armed Spotty into goingon a date with Jake which was kind of like one of the dates on The Bachelor, where they drove aroundaimlessly getting to know one another in an SUV and then went on a plane. Andshe was very cold but you could TELL she dug him but was just being a dickbecause she was getting revenge on whoever had hurt her in the past. And then –because Jake is a big old pretty weirdo – he took her to the Bachelor house, I guess to show off andbe all, “Lookie what I can do, take you to a famous place because I am a veryfamous person!” and she was pissed (and this time, rightfully so, because itwas so douchey of him.)

OK, now THE BEST PART. He sat her down and started justspewing all over about his childhood, and how he never felt like his fatherloved him, and how this affected him throughout his life, and how her being ah8r really bothered him because of it, and she’s watching him all confusedbecause HE IS TOTALLY CRYING, and then he says “I’ve never told anyone any ofthis before.” Really. REALLY? Then why are you telling a total stranger whojust blasted you to the whole world and hates you so much? YOU ARE A WEIRDREALITY SHOW WEIRDO WITH AMAZING BONE STRUCTURE WHO IS TOTALLY SAD. She thenjust kind of wandered off and he realized that his daddy was never going tolove him so he slammed some doors and then they separated and as she drove offshe said, “I was a h8r before and I’m a H8R NOW!!!!”

THIS SHOW IS AWFUL.

At the end, they showed the celebrities who were going to beon the rest of the season, and I recognized three of them. And there were aboutten of them. The three I recognized were Kim Kardashian, Janice Dickinson, andEva Longoria. Then they said their names and one of them was the asshole whodoes the Girls Gone Wild videos. Is there anyone who LIKES this guy? I bet evenhis MOTHER thinks he’s a exploitative douchecanoe. And there was one guy wholooked like he was made of wax and he made me laugh until I almost pissedmyself. He looked like Christian Bale but made of wax. SO SO SHINY. I wanted toconfront him and discuss what was going on with that face, honestly. It isapparently Scott Disick.

This photo isn’t so shiny – it must have been the H8R lighting or he’d just had some majorbotox something – but I chose it because it makes me laugh. Why is he posing infront of the ocean like this? Does he think he’s auditioning for Miami Vice? Fun! (I have never watched a single episode of thatKardashian show but my father watches it. Here is a sample of him talking aboutit: “I hate that show. Those people are so stupid. The people that marry themare so stupid. Something’s wrong with Bruce Jenner’s face. I don’t like theirbutts but all the men say they have the best butts. Why are they famous. I hatethat show.” “Um, Dad, if you hate it, why do you watch it?” “I don’t know what’swrong with you, Amy. EVERYONE watches that show.”)

Here are my thoughts, Mario Lopez. First: it doesn’t exactlymean you are a h8r if you blast a celebrity on the internet. Sometimes it meansyou’re unintelligent and believe everything that’s in the tabloids; sometimesit just means you’re venting. Listen, I have a lot of celebrities I don’t like,for various reasons. Here’s a list:

Tom Cruise: scary cult leader

Chris Klein: hates women

Miley Cyrus: seems unintelligent

Jay Leno: not funny and seems like kind of a cock

Roman Polanski: child molester

Chris Brown: beats women

Ginnifer Goodwin: seems unintelligent and chooses menincorrectly

Carrot Top: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS SCARY FACE

I don’t really HATE them, though. Why? I don’t know them! Ithink in order to hate someone, you really have to know them. Do I like these people?No. Do I want to hang out with them? No, no I don’t (and actually, in CarrotTop’s case, OH MY GOD PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME NO.)

But if Mario Lopez showed up and said I needed to spend aday with one of these people you know what I’d say? NO THANK YOU MARIO LOPEZ.That’s just a recipe for disaster, really. The people who say yes are justreality show whores who want their moment of fame. They’re just as sad as thecelebrities! It’s a sad shame spiral, really. A co-dependent shame spiral.

So this season, so far, kind of a total letdown. Luckily, it’sstill early. Tonight: The Secret Circle!Starring the girl who kind of annoyed me from Life Unexpected and Gale Harold, WHO WILL NEVER ANNOY ME. What willhappen? One can only imagine.

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round and Round and Round and OMG SHUT UP

2011-09-14T12:54:00.002-04:00

There was a news story here recently about a bus driver who got arrested for duct taping a student’s mouth shut, which I thought was kind of funny until I read it and found out he was a scary crazy person and the child was developmentally disabled and he had been abusing her, so it stopped being funny and started being more disturbing and evil than anything. But it did start me thinking about taking the bus to school.

I hated the bus. Hated. HAAAATED. I lived in the country, so the bus ride to school was a long one, and we stopped constantly to pick up other kids who lived in the middle of nowhere. Our bus was the one that no driver wanted to be in charge of. It was full of naughty kids and evil kids and downright cruel kids. The bus ride to and from school every day was one of the worst memories I have of school, and I have a lot of them.

Apparently, things have changed since I was young, but when I was a kid (stop with the old jokes, I know, I’m ancient) every age from kindergarten to senior year rode the same bus to school. That’s a recipe for disaster right there, isn’t it? I mean, put a bullying, hormonal fifteen-year-old on a bus with a sweet, innocent seven-year-old and see what happens. It was like Lord of the Flies on that bus.

I even remember my very first day on the bus: I sat next to another kindergartener (hi, Rich, who I totally don’t talk to anymore and I’m pretty sure doesn’t remember me!) and he taught me cusses. Then he told me I should say them to the busdriver. Which I did, because I didn’t know they were dirty words. So I got in trouble the first day for telling the busdriver “Hi my name is Shit Asshole” if I remember correctly. (I was a really sheltered 4-year-old. Yes, 4. I started school a year early due to my superior intellect. FINE it was because my birthday was in October. And actually I was a really sheltered child altogether. I didn’t utter the f-word aloud until senior year. I thought I would be struck by lightning. In third grade, another child said to me “I bet you don’t even know what a VIRGIN is!” and I said, very haughtily, “Yes, I do. A virgin is the mother of JESUS.” I was a total and complete catch!)

Some things I remember from my years of taking the bus to school:

An upperclassman with a broken leg forcing his minions to bring younger children to the back of the bus so he could hold them down and stamp them in the middle of the forehead with the rubber grip on the bottom of his crutch, which was filthy with the gross snowy grime from the bus floor
A busdriver who lost his marbles and drove into a field (we lived in the country, there were a lot of fields on our drive) with a bus half-full of children and sat in the seat, rocking and singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” and refusing to answer anyone who spoke to him until finally one of the kids figured out how to use the walkie-talkie and radioed the bus garage and they sent another bus and driver to rescue them
A busdriver who decided to record the bad language the students were using on his bus because he was a preacher and kept telling them they were going to hell and God hated them , so he brought in a hand-held recorder and kept clicking it on while driving and swerving all over the road trying to catch really naughty cusses
A weird bully kid who had a psychotic break and one day stopped bullying kids and instead sat in his seat singing “takes a better man, to turn the other cheek, takes a better man to walk away” in a tuneless voice with dead, dead eyes
A girl who decided it was her duty to shove kids out of their seats, so every day, she chose another child, and would shove them out of their seat onto the disgusting bus floor
Whorey kids who totally did it in the back seat underneath their jackets (listen, the bus ride home was long, but not THAT long, that’s kind of impressive, right?)
All the kids deciding it would be hilarious to throw paper airplanes at the busdriver while he was driving and almost causing an accident; this did not phase them, however, and the following week, it was spitballs, followed by those bouncy balls you could get out of vending machines, those paper throwing stars kids folded out of notebook paper, notebook paper balled up (that one didn’t take a lot of imagination but there are only so many things you can throw, really) and apples

Listen, seriously, can you even IMAGINE being a busdriver? I assume it’s a little better nowadays – the busses are segregated by age-group, and a lot more upperclassmen have cars than they used to – but I can’t even imagine how insane a person must have been to want to drive a bus full of children who would not sit down and would not be quiet and would not behave and were THROWING PROJECTILES AT THEM WHILE THEY WERE ATTEMPTING TO STAY ON THE ROAD. I’m not saying I was completely innocent, here. I was kind of a dick on the bus. I mean, I wasn’t hurling spitballs, or anything, but when the busdriver told me to sit down and shut up, I didn’t. I think I actually got sent to the principal’s office in middle school for misbehaving on the bus, but I haven’t the foggiest what exactly I was doing that merited that. It was almost 25 years ago, so my memory’s a little blurry. What, do YOU remember exactly what you were doing 25 years ago? I thought not. Pipe down, junior. I obviously didn’t get kicked out of school so it couldn’t have been too heinous.

I would be the worst busdriver ever. First, I can’t even deal with kids. CAN. NOT. DEAL. You know how some people have the patience of Job? I have the patience of not-Job. I have the patience of someone who is utterly the opposite of Job. Which is why, until I found out it was a scary upsetting story, the duct-tape thing sounded like something that was actually possibly a somewhat rational reaction. You’re driving a bus full of children, and it’s your job to get those kids to and from school safely. You have to deal with asshats on the road who don’t pay attention to your lights and stop signs, and you have to make sure the kids crossing the road don’t get killed, and you have to make sure the kids on the bus are seated and not killing each other, and you have to, oh, I don’t know, DRIVE. This job is harder than an air traffic controller’s job. THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS GOING ON. Why don’t we hear about more people dying in flaming bus accidents? I have trouble paying attention when I’m driving my car and it’s just me and I want to change the damn radio station, can you even fathom how bad my ADD would kick in if you factored in 50 screaming children all hell-bent on destroying the vehicle, me, and each other? Oh, hell, no.

So listen, I totally get it now, guy who drove into the field and rocked and rocked and sang nursery rhymes. You just got overwhelmed! It is understandable! How could you not? Kids are mean. Mean and nasty. And they DO NOT LISTEN. The preacher guy? He used to say “Sit down and BE STILL” over and over and OVER to us and we’d totally ignore him. Or laugh. Because “be still” was a funny thing to say. I mean, was it 1887 and we were in an old-timey horse-and-buggy contraption? Who says “be still?” But then recently I found out he died and that was sad. I mean, he didn’t die because of the busdriving, or anything, but I didn’t mean him any harm, and that was a tough gig, the busdriving. He just wanted us to sit down and be still! And we were not being still. And we were cussing! And he thought we were going to hell for it. That – well, that was a little disturbing but it was a small town and we took who we could get.

We also had a guy who was a dead ringer for Otto from The Simpsons and I loved him. He most likely was stoned off his gourd the entire time he drove us around and at one point he just disappeared and we never saw him again, but he was so laid-back and just did not care. And honestly, when he drove, the bus was quieter and better-behaved. I don’t know what that was all about. We might have been soothed by a contact high, now that I think about it.

I’m still a little confused about the sex people, though, honestly. How does that even work? I mean, was it actual sex-sex? Those bus seats aren’t very long. And we were kids. Country kids. We weren’t very knowledgeable about positioning and whatnot. Not to be crass, but I guess I get handjobs or whatever, or even (but ew, really, on a BUS? In FRONT of people?) blowjobs but actual penetrative sex? I’d think it was a rumor except someone got pregnant from it. I’m not a parent but I think this is something parents need to worry about. Parents! Talk to your kids about this phenomenon that was happening 20-some years ago! It needs to be addressed! At least tell them if they’re going to do it, have a little self-respect and not to do it on the bus. Those seats are filthy. And they’re just going to get a nickname, like Backseat Boogie or Ella the Bus Whore which I totally did not make up at all and was the name of someone at my school. Fine, not her REAL name, she didn’t put it on the top of standardized TESTS or anything, but that’s what people called her. Because she had SEX on a BUS. And bee tee dubs? It wasn’t even at night. It was after school. The sun was still up. That is super-whorey. And also quite sad.

So listen! When we are celebrating people in our society who have the most thankless jobs, like sanitation workers and such, I think we need to give a shout-out to the busdrivers. Because DAMN but that must suck and you totally must make an appointment to get sterilized after the third full day of work. So, busdrivers! You have my thanks. And also, I promise, if I ever have children, I will drive them to school myself. Dickery is genetic and I wouldn’t want to subject that on any other busdrivers. I’ve harmed enough people already.

Dear Lucy, Volume Two. You all need to start taking better advantage of me, seriously.

2011-09-13T12:50:00.000-04:00

I am not 100% sure what’sgoing on with you all, honestly.

Lastmonth, I did a very successful advice column in which I helpedmany, many people with very important issues. We discussed thingslike how to make men like you, and annoying people, and the Alvin and theChipmunks theme. So of course this month, I was SURE I’d have a ton ofquestions. I mean, seriously, if I wasn’t me, I’d take advantage of myhelpfulness and amazing advice-giving capabilities! But I AM me, and I cannoteven tell you how well that’s going for me. I was telling Luis Fernando, mypoolboy, just the other day – oh, have I not told you about Luis Fernando? Yes,he’s Argentinian, and quite a catch! I’ll have to have you over sometime, hiscaipirinhas are to die for, he muddles divinely. Anyhoo. What was Isaying? Oh, yes. Nando and I were just saying, over sugarcane beverages andfootrubs, what an excellent exciting time it is to be me, darling, I can’t evenexpress the fabulosity of this existence!

FINEthere is no Luis Fernando or fancy beverages and I hate footrubs but my placeDOES have a really scuzzy pool over by the laundry room where there are alwayskids that look like they have ringworm, are you satisfied? SEND ME SOME DAMNQUESTIONS ALREADY I AM EXCELLENT AT ANSWERING THEM.

I got twoquestions this month. TWO! I am putting my complete and total expertise outthere and you are not taking advantage. How often does a total stranger let youtake advantage of them online without it being a sting operation? Not very damnoften. It’s usually the other way around and it’s a Nigerian prince trying to stealyour money or tell you about the lottery you won that you never played.

I expectbetter from you, internet. I really do. FOR SHAME. Well, except the twoquestions that WERE submitted. All good things to you, question-submitters. Asa thank you, please accept my totally awesome and not-at-all tongue-in-cheekadvice.

So I went to Yahoo Answersand got some questions from there so I can help those people. Because listen,have you ever BEEN to Yahoo Answers? THEY NEED MY HELP.

Dear Lucy, Volume Two

(A Very Helpful andNot-at-All-Snarky Advice Column)

Q: I’m in need of a real good lifequote. What’s your favorite life quote/saying? –THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

A: Well! Hello, Truth. I appreciate thatyou’ve come to me for guidance. I am super-good at helpful guidance, as seen bylast month’s column and above and pretty much everywhere I can be found. Let’ssee. You want a quote about life. Here is a quote about life that I think willnot only apply to every single situation you encounter, but will make peoplethink you are literate and well-read and possibly a little unhinged andstorm-cloudy. “What fresh hell is this?” Dorothy Parker said that. You can havethat one, for tee-shirts, or whatever. With my compliments. All for you, Truth!What’s that? You wanted something more cheerful? Well, you’re a little picky,and I don’t think I like your tone. Fine. Then you get “Life’s hard. It’s evenharder when you’re stupid.” I think you’ll find that one applies to life and toyou in particular. Who’s that one from? Google it, Truth. If you can’t useGoogle, I’m sorry, I can’t help you any further.

Q: Why do gay people think their betterthan everyone else when god says there not? –OPEN-MINDED

A: I have some questions, actually, beforeI answer yours, OM. First: grammatically-speaking, can you spot all three ofyour errors in this question? I'm only speaking grammatically. I'm not speakingdogmatically or even intelligence-wise. Because if we're talking about"are gay people better than me, based on my command of English grammar rules,"the answer is YES. YES MOST OF THEM ARE. Second, did God talk to you and tellyou that gay people aren't better than everyone else? Or did you read that inthe Bible? If so, where, exactly? I'd like chapter and verse, please. Because Iknow all of the passages that the thumpers like to spout whenhate-speechifying, and none of them refer to "and then God spoke and Hesaid 'no man that lyeth down with another man as with a woman is better thaneveryone else.'" Third, what kind of gay people are you hanging out with?Because the ones I know don't think they're "better" than everyoneelse. They think they're the SAME as everyone else. And as such, should beafforded the same rights and privileges. So, to answer yournot-at-all-hurting-my-brain-and-eyes question, OM, the answer is they don't,and God doesn't, and there = where it is, their = belonging to them, andthey're = they are. An example sentence, in which they are all used correctly,is "There is something wrong with people who are vocally homophobic whenthey're being hate-filled and evil by sharing their views publically in such afashion."

Q: Why do people who don't believe inmarriage get married? Background: a friend is going through a divorce after ayear of marriage and, when questioned, said he didn't ever want to get married,he just did it because his girlfriend wanted to. –RENO-STYLE

A: My guess, Reno, is cake. Cake andsocietal pressure. Both are very strong forces; one for good, one for evil.Let's delve further into this cake issue. Recently, there has been this stupidmeme going around Facebook. One of those "tag the top six people in yourprofile" things. And twice now I've been tagged as "the person mostlikely to steal and eat all of your wedding cake." Well, that is CORRECT.I don't know about stealing, though. At weddings? THEY GIVE YOU CAKE. It'strue! You get cake. On a little plate! And it's usually delicious. Althoughsometimes it's fruit-filled or has jam and that's just a mean, mean trick.That's like adding raisins to a chocolate chip cookie. Why so mean, fruitpeople? Wedding cake should not have fruit. Unless it's pineapple. I could bedown with pineapple. Anyway, I can see someone who was ambivalent about linkinghis or her future permanently to someone else's letting their decision be madeby cake. I mean, there's a HUGE cake. And it's all for you. (Well, and yourguests. But you get first dibs. And probably leftovers.) Second, societalpressure. Society expects us to pair up. And also, the paired-up folks make youWANT to pair up! I mean, you see on television and in movies and whatnot theseadorable couples making dinner and finishing each other's sentences and gettingall the exciting latte makers in huge piles of wedding gifts and eating all thecake and whatnot, and you want that! YOU TOTALLY WANT THAT. But then realitysets in, and you have someone living in your house ALL THE TIME. And theyaren't as nice to you as when you were dating. And they don't leave! When theyget annoying, they don't go home! BECAUSE THEY ARE HOME. So you are stuck untilyou get a divorce. But once you get a divorce, I bet people bring you all kindsof pity cake. So that's kind of a win, if you think about it in a positivelight.

Q: Do girls like black hair? --CLARKKENT

A: I would assume so, Clark. Did you heardifferently? Did someone tell you, Clark! Dye your hair another color or I'm sonot going to the Spring Formal with you? I can't say I 100% understand yourquestion, honestly. You are talking about hair on your head, right, and not weirdbody hair or something? I think girls might like a lot of things. It changes,as they age. When you're a kid, girls like the boys who make them laugh andshare their snacks. When you're a teenager, girls like the boys who...well,make them laugh and share their snacks. And as adults, women like the menwho...shit, it doesn't change at all, does it? We all just want a guy who makesus laugh and shares his Combos at recess. The color of a guy's hair reallyisn't something we consider. Well, not really. We all have preferences, Iguess. I'm a fan of ginger boys and don't trust blondes; others might digbrunettes or Mr. Clean bald men, for all I know. I guess my answer is yes,Clark, yes, girls like black hair. Just make sure it's washed. Oh, and don't dothat Bieber emo comb-forward shit. It makes me twitchy. Also I Tourette's-likeyell out "HOW CAN HE SEE?" when I am around those kids. It'sinvoluntary.

Q: Why does my cat claw the door whenI’m in the bathroom, run in when I open the door, and jump on top of thehamper? –KITTY MAMA

A: Because it is a cat. Cats do a lot ofstupid things. Sometimes mine gets the heebie-jeebies and I think sees a ghostand starts yowling at the wall and then plays dead and then runs around and histail gets all big and then attacks my ankle. I don't have an explanation forthat, either. My guess is your cat, like almost every cat I've ever met, is acrazy, furry, neurotic mess. The door is SHUT! He wants it OPEN! You areSITTING! He wants to SIT BY YOU! You are PEEING! He wants to ALSO BE IN THEROOM! Nuts, Kitty. They're nuts. But they're really warm and furry and giveheadbutts, so we deal with the insanity.

Q: What does it mean when a guy restshis leg against yours under a table? –CURIOUS KATE

A: Kate, this is a very good question. Itcould mean many things, depending on context. Is the table small? There couldbe just not enough room and he has no choice. Is there a ton of room underthere? He could be participating in frottage. Is he jiggling his leg around alot? He could be trying to scratch an itch. Is he moving his foot around a lotand is your purse under the table? He could be trying to pickpocket you bygrabbing your pursestrap with his foot like in this old movie I watched onceand also don't ever put your purse on a restaurant floor because it is FILTHYdown there. Oh, I am informed by a friend you are fishing around for me to tellyou that he is indicating he is interested in you sexually. Well, that seems tobe a very stupid way of showing it. Putting his hot sticky leg on yours? Whydoesn't he just club you over the head and cart you off to his cave over hisshoulder? The next time you want to know if someone lurrrves you once you startengaging in the phantom leg bumpage, Kate, I suggest simply saying thefollowing (which only works if his name is Frederick): "Frederick, Inotice you are resting your leg against mine under the table. I am enjoyingthis sensation, but am not sure of your intentions. If you are making anoverture of romance toward my person, please speak of it to me; I am eager towed, as I hear there is cake."

Q: Why isn't romance like it is in themovies? –WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

A: Listen, here is a story that might helpyou in your situation, Sally. Last night, I watched Beastly. Everyonetold me I would hate it, not just my friends but reviewers, random people, theperson I rented it from, EVERYONE. And I didn't hate it. Now, I know whatyou're thinking! I am broken and you never want to come to a movie with me.Well, that is TRUE. However! It was kind of touching and really dorky at timesand the book was a kajillion times better but it was sweet, aw, and had peopleI liked in it and also NPH who is my favorite. What? Where am I GOING withthis? You obviously don't understand how it works, being a super-awesome advicecolumnist. You get to the point ORGANICALLY. Like cage-free eggs. Oh, I have noidea where I was going with this. Why isn't romance like it is in the movies?That's a stupid question. NOTHING'S like it is in the movies. Your best friendnever falls in love with you, there aren't 80 million serial killers on theloose at any given time, no one has a secret crush on you, there's not alwaysan Armageddon happening, there aren't always car chases, and the guy you fightall the time with doesn't secretly love you, he really does hate you, that'swhy you're fighting with him. Sorry. If you get a movie romance happening, goodfor you. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Go take up roller derby or something.Those women seem kick-ass to me.

Q: How do you handle a 45-year old womanwho just married a 25-year old and has turned into a huge raging dump towardher children? –GRR, ARGH

A: Grr, this is a shitty situation allaround. First, a 25-year old? I'm thinking he heard the cake rumors. When I was25, I was not ready to get married. Or even do the dishes on a nightly basis,actually. So that's kind of a suspicious thing to me, right there. Second, I'massuming since they "just" married, they're in the honeymoon phase,which means lots of sex? So maybe just stay away until that's all over with?Although in my experience, all that sex should have a calmative effect and itseems to be doing the opposite with her. I'm at a loss. And I really did wantto help. So I'm going to suggest ninja stars. I think they're really the bestsolution, and no one would suspect you because listen, who has ninja stars justlaying around? They would probably suspect the new husband, to be frank. (As asaside, when I was in college, my roommate and I were reading our welcome-to-collegebrochure, and it had a list of do's and don'ts. And one of the prohibited itemswas "chukka sticks." So we were all, "What the hell is a chukkastick?" until we realized probably whoever wrote the thing thought that'swhat kids today were calling nunchucks. This was one of the highlights of myjunior year.) And also, nice usage of "huge raging dump." Please tobe teaching the grammar to Open-Minded above?

Q: What did you do today, baby?–BINOCULAR BOY

A: I don't...I woke up and came to work anddid some work and now I am writing super-good advice ARE YOU WATCHING ME RIGHTNOW? Because that is freaking me OUT. Stop it. STOP IT. Who writes into anadvice column with a question like this? DISTRESSING. You know what I DIDN'T dotoday? Forget to sharpen my knives or load my shotgun. Get out of my tree,McFly, I don't need any Peeping Toms today.

Now you are HELPED. Go! Help otherswith your newfound wisdom! And the next time I ask you to send me questions,SEND THEM WEIRDOS. I can't help you if you won't let me. And just between us, you totally need it. Butyour hair or whatever you're wearing today looks fabulous!

My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

2011-09-12T13:59:00.000-04:00

Timefor the final installment in our very exciting three-part fall televisionseries! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like,crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump upand down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping,really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell themyou are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case.I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in theleast bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these thingshappen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me forthis particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of theyahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this issuspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then tosee him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” shesaid, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancelthe appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCHBETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU.

Onto more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excitedabout, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that atleast one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down agreat deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day beforeChristmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! Andthen the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks andstore-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy soyou feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right?

Also,you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading thislist that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Twofantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess ofgeekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stokedabout” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m downwith that.

Most Anticipated NewFall Television Shows

Once Upona Time(10/23/11, ABC)

Premise:A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on ourEarth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives.

Starring:Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, GiancarloEsposito, and some other people I don’t know

OK,before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellingsand reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I amaware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome.Sure, they brought us Lost – butthey’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t– IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? Itstarted with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off andyou had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left yourcomputer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could beawful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much.But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there area lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from,that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, Iknow, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas,remember?

It’salso worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign.

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC)

Premise:A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protecthumanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…alittle derivative of Supernatural?But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m coolwith that, to some extent.)

Starring:No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

I’mboth excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a majornetwork! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love!However. Stealing from Supernaturalis a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter”thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’mgoing to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot ofthings that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at thefeet of this one.

Seemslike a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someoneother than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I keptwaiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to makesense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of thewriters.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that?

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX)

Premise:in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the ageof the dinosaurs to start a new life

Starring:Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced byStephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS.

Thisis probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not asexcited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t thinkI could handle that. When I was a kid, Landof the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, Iget the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirtyyears later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” andthat’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love.(Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heartwants what it wants.)

Thisshould be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Greenscreen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing alot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a littlescared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful.Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too.

AmericanHorror Story(10/5/11, FX)

Premise:A family moves into a haunted home in California.

Starring:Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare,ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos

Thisis so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’shorror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the specialeffects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, notbecause it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’tget me started on the awesomeness of Justifiedand my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no?Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, youcould put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. RyanMurphy, who (this past season of Gleeaside) is kind of television magic?

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can't look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.

I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’sstarting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networkshave different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch thisbecause I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watchingit, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue.

Ringer (9/13/11, CW)

Premise:A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister.

Starring:Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “EyelinerDude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polahafrom Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSOJASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have togo find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit isofficially lost and gone forever.

Now,I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. Buthave I mentioned my obsession with VeronicaMars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms,emailed people theories, loved VeronicaMars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? Ifyou don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One andTwo of Veronica Mars. You can getSeason Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not asgood, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on televisionfor three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life forthat.

Oh,and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeingabout this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But thenJason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really.

Theplot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s gotpotential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS.Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought ourstory was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street,I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring inanything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poorvampire garbage show Moonlightbecause he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!)

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don't love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine,and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeksare lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I amalready planning my evening around this.

Sohappy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand,ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’salways my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.

Fall TV Anti...ci...pation Part II - Returning Shows O'Shininess

2011-09-11T17:43:00.003-04:00

Ilove Sundays. They’re so restful. I mean, other than the things I should bedoing that I’m not. Like cleaning. And errands. And baking. Things like that.But no! No, I refuse to deprive you of what you’ve been promised!

Fridaywe discussed shows in the fall season I will not, under any circumstances, bewatching. We discussed them while I was most likely dying. Well! Today I amSTILL most likely dying, but it’s been two days, so I’m obviously much closerto death’s door than I was two days ago. But I refuse to go out withoutfinishing part two of my three part series on fall television. Why, you ask?BECAUSE TELEVISION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. I can hear you, person in the backmuttering that I have no life. Well, you know what? Go hang out with yoursuper-cool friends in your super-cool hangout drinking whatever it is the coolkids are drinking or whatever and shut the hell up. I’ll be watching my big oldtelevision, thank you very much.

Today,let’s talk about returning shows I’m excited about. I narrowed it down to mytop five, because the list was much too long and it kind of made me look like acrazy person. Which you already know I am but really, is there any need tobroadcast it further? I think not.

Also– here there be spoilers, if you aren’t caught up. Sorry!

Fall 2011 ReturningShows I’m Most Jazzed About

TheWalking Dead (October 16, 2011, AMC)

Premise:A group of Americans attempts to survive in a post-Apocalyptical zombiewasteland.

Starring:Andrew Lincoln (SWOON), Sarah Wayne Callies from Prison Break, and a lot of other amazingly talented people that youmight not have heard of but who cares, they are wonderful and once you seethis, you will LOVE them.

Thissummer, I read the first two graphic novels in the series, to prepare myselffor season two, because even though I don’t like to be spoiled, I COULD NOTWAIT. I knew, from the first few minutes of this series, that it was going tobe spectacular, and it delivered all the way through. The casting is brilliant;the special effects are brilliant; the acting is brilliant; the art directionis brilliant; the writing is brilliant; the direction itself is brilliant. Ihave nothing but good things to say about this show. AMC allows the show to beas gory as it needs to be, so it comes across as a very realistic horror moviein television form. The relationships between characters are very strong andtrue. People act like you’d imagine they would, if faced with a situation likethis one. You hate people (SHANE! I want to punch Shane in the NECK!) and lovepeople (I have a total and complete crush on Rick. Rick gets shit TAKEN CAREOF. Rick quietly does what needs to be done. Rick would not get involved innonsense. Also, Rick is crazy handsome and super-tall and played Mark in Love, Actually and made me cry a milliontears when he held up the signs to confess his love for Kiera Knightley’scharacter who was stupid and should have immediately left her very nice butvery boring husband for him WHAT THE HELL, KIERA KNIGHTLEY’S CHARACTER. I am SO MAD AT HER I didn't even bother Googling her character name. JUST THAT MAD.)

Andthe cliffhanger! Holy flesh-chomping walkers, what a cliffhanger! I am DYING tofind out what Dr. Jenner whispered in Rick’s ear right before they escaped theCDC. The graphic novels didn’t cover that, so it’s either still to come, orsomething that’s just for the series.

Myonly sadness is that I have to wait until next month for this, and then we onlyget seven episodes and then a hiatus until February for the rest. Oh, and thatthere’s some nonsense going on over at AMC and Frank Darabont (who developed itfor television, had a hand in writing most of the episodes, and directed theamazing pilot) was either quit or fired so Season Two might be a worry since itmight have been brilliant because of him. I’m keeping my fingers crossed forcontinued excellence. Also, this was robbed at the Emmy nominations. ROBBED ITELL YOU.

The Good Wife (September 25, 2011,CBS)

Premise:A state’s attorney is jailed following a sex and corruption scandal. His wife,who stood by him throughout, goes back to work as an attorney at an old flame’sfirm.

Starring:Everyone who is anyone, and more amazing people every season. JuliannaMargulies, Chris Noth, Josh Charles, Archie Panjabi, Christine Baranski, MattCzuchry, Alan Cumming, Titus Welliver, Mary Beth Peil, Dallas Roberts, MichaelJ. Fox, Gary Cole, America Ferrera – need I go on? Because I can. I totallycan.

Secret?I didn’t plan on watching this when it started. I hate law shows. They bore thepants off me. I don’t watch the Law andOrder franchise (well, except for SVU, and I only watch that because I lovethe two leads, so I guess I’m SOL next season!), and things like A Few Good Men? I mentally take napsduring them. Law is BORING to me. I know. I am a heathen and probably should bedunked like a witch for such an admission. Sorry.

Myroommate at the time this started watched the pilot, and when I halfheartedlyasked her what she’d thought, was full of praise. “You HAVE to watch this, Amy,”she said. “You’re going to love it. It’s not just a law show. I promise. It’sAMAZING.” The reviews had been very good, so I thought, what the hell, I’llgive it a shot.

Thisshow sucked me in and hasn’t let go yet. It gets better with every episode. JuliannaMargulies, first off, is brilliant in her role. I mean, she was alwayswonderful – her turn on ER was one of the reasons I watched the show, and Istopped watching not long after she left – but honestly, even though I love herto pieces, I’m not watching the show for her anymore. There are two people I’mwatching the show for, and they are Alan Cumming and Archie Panjabi.

Notto slight the rest of the cast. They’re doing a great job. The writing iscrisp, the events are timely without that weird “ripped from the HEADLINES!”feel that L&O episodes have, the relationships between characters areemotional and true. But Cumming and Panjabi have gone so far above and beyondthat they deserve special mention.

ArchiePanjabi plays Kalinda Sharma, an investigator for the law firm where JuliannaMargulies’s character works. Only, she’s not really Kalinda Sharma. Because lastseason we found out she took on that persona when she fled another life, onethat we know nothing about. Kalinda is a gorgeous bisexual badass who is themost loyal friend you’ll ever meet. If I had to pick one fictional character ontelevision to have my back, it would be Kalinda. I ADORE her. And it’s not justthe character, or the writing. Panjabi is BRILLIANT. She has layers upon layersof nuancing in her performance. She can transmit more with a look than mostactors can do with pages of monologuing. She’s one of those characters thatwhen she cries, I’m gone. I’m that invested in her character. She’s on thescreen, I’m not watching anyone else. She commands every scene she’s in. She’sa master class in acting.

AlanCumming has always been one of my favorite actors (I’ll never forget himtalking about visiting upstate New York on Letterman one night and his joy inthe fact that, at our gas stations, you could get “both ice cream AND petrol!”and his Scottish burr over the gas station chain “Stewart’s” made my wholenight) and he does not disappoint in this show. His Eli Gold, a mastermind, aspider spinning a web, planning everything so Peter Florrick can getre-elected, is such a layered character that you want to hate him but you justcan’t. He’s very human. He’s very American, really. Very ambitious. Veryget-it-done-at-any-cost. And he’s at his best when the cracks begin to show,and his humanity peeks out – when he’s feeling romantic feelings toward a newwoman in his life; when he’s realizing how much he actually relates to andlikes Alicia Florrick, even more than her husband, actually; when he’s verballysparring with his daughter. The public man, ruthless and heartless, is at warwith the private man, caring and good. He’s doing a brilliant job.

Atthe end of Season Two, Alicia and her boss, Will, finally seemed to consummateyears of flirting once she realized that her husband had slept with more peoplethan he’d let on – worse, that he’d slept with Kalinda, her best friend. A plottwist everyone’s on the edge of their seat about, myself included. But I’m moreinterested in how this is affecting Kalinda, and how this will affect Eli. I’dwatch the two of them fold laundry for an hour, honestly. They’re that good.

Community (September 22, 2011,NBC)

Premise:A group of people with very little in common form a ragtag study group andbecome friends in one of the strangest community colleges in America.

Starring:the funniest cast on television. Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Alison Brie,Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Donald Glover, Chevy Chase, Ken Jeong, and alot of recurring extras.

Ididn’t love the first episode of this. I watched it and thought, eh, this isgoing to be another Kath and Kimsituation, isn’t it? I made it clear how I feel about the NBC comedy block inmy last post: it seems like they always throw something not-funny in there, tomess with my head or something. At the time, My Name is Earl was still in there (I miss you, My Name is Earl!) and Community was the late add-in. I decidedI’d give it one more chance. Thank you, my stubborn instincts and long-runningdedication to anything anyone who’s ever starred on Saturday Night Live does!

Thisshow – I don’t know how to describe this show. It’s really an acquired taste.You get it or you don’t. I understand that. I wish more people did, and then itwouldn’t be on the bubble for renewal every season, but I get that it’s noteveryone’s thing. Fine. It makes me laugh so hard I snort. It makes me laugh sohard I miss the next joke and have to go back and watch it over again to catchwhat I missed the first time around because I was laughing so hard.

It’sone of the most intelligent comedies on television. There was a paintballepisode which had western and sci-fi elements. There was a clip episode ofclips that didn’t happen. There was a zombie Halloween episode. There was – andthis was just the most amazing thing ever, ever, EVER – a Dungeons and Dragonsepisode, where the group roleplayed.

It’sactually touching at times, as well. Sometimes it brings a tear to my eye. Thewriting is very crisp in its absurdity. Every actor commits to the insanereality they’ve created 100%, and it works. I don’t expect it will be aroundmuch longer – we were, honestly, lucky to get it for as long as we did – but I’mso happy with what we did get that I can’t really complain. OK, I can. I will.Who would I be if I didn’t complain?

Game ofThrones(Spring 2012, HBO)

Premise:the life and times of the people of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and theirstruggles for power and survival in the often magical land.

Starring:Michelle Fairley, Lena Headley, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Peter Dinklage, KitHarington, Emilia Clarke, Iain Glen, and a million billion other people becausethere are SEVEN kingdoms, damn, I can’t list them all

OK,I’m not sure if next season will be called Gameof Thrones, or will be called Clashof Kings after the second book in the series. HBO is being prettytight-lipped about the whole second season, other than a vague release date andsome casting info. I assume they’ll stick with the original title becausewouldn’t that confuse people, otherwise?

Icame into this game late. Ha! Nice play on words. I did, though. My amazing,brilliant, wonderful, life-changing book club was reading the first book in the series a few months ago, and I had heard thatthe series was on HBO, but as I’m very, very poor, I can’t afford HBO, so I didn’t get it and was not watching it. I read thebook. I immediately had to watch theseries. I got HBO for True Blood (spoileralert: waste of my money, this season sucked) and watched Game of Thrones overthree days, one episode after another. Loved it, every minute. Just wonderful.

HBOcan afford to dump a lot of money into its productions, so production expensesare never really a problem. It doesn’t always make them good, though. True Blood, as mentioned, was awful thisseason. Pretty? Sure, whatever, it was pretty, that’s not the point. You canput glitter on a turd and it’s still a turd, albeit a shiny sparkly one. Gameof Thrones was compelling and awe-inspiring and sweeping and majestical andmade me cry more than once and the characters were well-cast and it was what Iwanted from the book I’d loved so much.

Andthere was Peter Dinklage, of course.

OK,I love Peter Dinklage. And I realize, above, I should have put a picture thatbest encapsulated the entire show and such. But you know what? No. It’s my blogand it gets a BIG HONKIN' PICTURE OF TYRION LOOKING HAUGHTY AND HANDSOME AND REGAL.

TyrionLannister is one of the best characters in fantasy fiction I’ve ever read. He’sthe kind of character I like – many shades of gray; layered; intelligent;inscrutable. Peter Dinklage acts the HELL out of this role. Nothing against theother characters and actors portraying them – they’re good, very good, in somecases – but, much like with The Good Wife and Archie Panjabi, this is Dinklage’sshow. He lights up every scene. There isn’t a person who watched this serieswho didn’t leave it rooting for Tyrion. A GIF of Tyrion slapping Joffrey startedmaking the internet rounds. Dinklage was nominated for an Emmy. It’s a greatrole, but in the hands of a lesser man, would have come off cartoonish.Dinklage sells it, and you fall in love with him. I can’t wait until SeasonTwo. I’d better get started on the book.

Sherlock (Spring 2012, PBS/BBC)

Premise:an updated version of the Sherlock Holmes tales, set in our digital age.

Starring:Benedict Cumberbatch (earlier I swooned; permit me, please, a double-swoon) andMartin Freeman, plus some recurring actors

Thisalmost seems like cheating. I can hear you now. “Amy!” you’re saying. “Thisdoesn’t COUNT! It’s not even a whole SEASON! It’s three EPISODES! It’s aMINISERIES!”

Youwouldn’t be saying that if you watched Season One.

Thisshow is a masterpiece. (This is not meant to be a play on the fact that in theU.S. it plays on Masterpiece Theater on PBS.) I never disliked the originalSherlock tales, but I’m not a big fan. I caught the first one of these, and wasjust blown away. The seamless integration of modern-day technology into Holmes’scrime-fighting skills. His possible Asperger’s. His relationship with Watsonand the homophobic overtones. It’s ALL THERE. The show is flashy without beingcheap; it’s compelling without grabbing you by the throat. It doesn’t have to.It gets your attention with quality.

Thewriting is wonderful, but being based on famous works of literature doesn’thurt. The acting is something to see. Both Freeman and Cumberbatch (and can werevel in the lovely poetry of a name like Benedict Cumberbatch for a moment,please? The pleasing syllables?) give performances that hit all of the rightnotes. They’re both drowning and need each other’s friendship to survive. It’sbeautiful and refreshing.

Ialso have others that just…didn’t…quite make my top five. I’m very behind onlast season and still scrambling to catch up. So I’m also excited, but notquite as, about Castle, Criminal Minds, The Vampire Diaries (shut up IT HAS DAMON SALVATORE so shut up), Fringe, Supernatural, and Chuck.

This is Damon Salvatore so stop with
your mockery because ZOMG LOOK
AT THOSE EYES HOT DAMN.

Now,it really goes without saying that you should Netflix or rent or whatever it isyou do to get such things all of these series and catch up before the newseasons start, please, so I can talk about them with you. It’s a gift you’ll begiving yourself, really. I wouldn’t recommend crap because I don’t watch muchcrap. Life’s too short. Go go go! What are you waiting for? There’s televisionto be watched!

Nexttime: the new shows I’m most excited about. Any guesses? Hint: if you’ve beenpaying attention over the past few months you can guess #1 easily.

A Choice Between Fire or Falling

2011-09-11T11:36:00.002-04:00

Iam not going to talk, in detail, as so many are, about what day it is today.

Itis not because I have forgotten.

Itis not because I am disrespectful.

Itis not because I do not mourn; it is not because I am heartless; it is notbecause I am not patriotic; it is not because the terrorists have won.

Itis because it is not my story to tell.

Didit affect me? Yes. Of course it did. I'm an American. I'm a native New Yorker.I had friends living in New York City at the time; one of them worked in theWorld Trade Center and got out just in time.

Iwas living across the country ten years ago. What I did that day is really ofno consequence. Just one story, out of millions of stories. We all have them.You don't need to hear mine. It's not the missing piece in the tapestry. It'sinconsequential. I did what anyone did, not living in New York City: I watched, and I despaired, and I wept. My timeline ten years ago was my own, but mirrored many others. I do not choose to share it, and I do not think you need, or care, to hear it.

Itis not my story to tell, and not my place to tell it. I have no claim over theevents ten years ago.

Itdoes not mean I have forgotten them. They are just not mine, and I feel itwould disrespect those who own them to lay claim to them.

The Names - Billy Collins

Yesterday,I lay awake in the palm of the night.

Asoft rain stole in, unhelped by any breeze,

Andwhen I saw the silver glaze on the windows,

Istarted with A, with Ackerman, as it happened,

ThenBaxter and Calabro,

Davisand Eberling, names falling into place

Asdroplets fell through the dark.

Namesprinted on the ceiling of the night.

Namesslipping around a watery bend.

Twenty-sixwillows on the banks of a stream.

Inthe morning, I walked out barefoot

Amongthousands of flowers

Heavywith dew like the eyes of tears,

Andeach had a name --

Fioriinscribed on a yellow petal

ThenGonzalez and Han, Ishikawa and Jenkins.

Nameswritten in the air

Andstitched into the cloth of the day.

Aname under a photograph taped to a mailbox.

Monogramon a torn shirt,

Isee you spelled out on storefront windows

Andon the bright unfurled awnings of this city.

Isay the syllables as I turn a corner --

Kellyand Lee,

Medina,Nardella, and O'Connor.

WhenI peer into the woods,

Isee a thick tangle where letters are hidden

Asin a puzzle concocted for children.

Parkerand Quigley in the twigs of an ash,

Rizzo,Schubert, Torres, and Upton,

Secretsin the boughs of an ancient maple.

Nameswritten in the pale sky.

Namesrising in the updraft amid buildings.

Namessilent in stone

Orcried out behind a door.

Namesblown over the earth and out to sea.

Inthe evening -- weakening light, the last swallows.

Aboy on a lake lifts his oars.

Awoman by a window puts a match to a candle,

Andthe names are outlined on the rose clouds --

Vanacoreand Wallace,

(letX stand, if it can, for the ones unfound)

ThenYoung and Ziminsky, the final jolt of Z.

Namesetched on the head of a pin.

Onename spanning a bridge, another undergoing a tunnel.

Ablue name needled into the skin.

Namesof citizens, workers, mothers and fathers,

Thebright-eyed daughter, the quick son.

Alphabetof names in a green field.

Namesin the small tracks of birds.

Nameslifted from a hat

Orbalanced on the tip of the tongue.

Nameswheeled into the dim warehouse of memory.

Somany names, there is barely room on the walls of the heart.

For the Falling Man - Annie Farnsworth

Isee you again and again

tumblingout of the sky,

inyour slate-grey suit and pressed white shirt.

Atfirst I thought you were debris

fromthe explosion, maybe gray plaster wall

orfuselage but then I realized

thatpeople were leaping.

Iknow who you are, I know

there'smore to you than just this image

onthe news, this ragdoll plummeting—

Iknow you were someone's lover, husband,

daddy.Last night you read stories

toyour children, tucked them in, then curled into sleep

nextto your wife. Perhaps there was small

sleepytalk of the future. Then,

beforeyour morning coffee had cooled

you'dcome to this; a choice between fire

orfalling.

Howfeeble these words, billowing

inthis aftermath, how ineffectual

thisutterance of sorrow. We can see plainly

it'shopeless, even as the words trail from our mouths

—butwe can't help ourselves—how I wish

wecould trade them for something

thatcould really have caught you.