Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Selected Items from the "Reasons Why I'm Currently Single" List

#27         One of my exes got us kicked out of somewhere once because he wanted to start a fight with someone. I don’t remember why. All the way home, he kept punching his hand and muttering how he could have taken him. (He couldn’t have.) My father still calls him “The Pugilist.”

#45         I like being able to go out and do things without having to tell anyone where I’m going or when I’ll be back. If I wanted a minder, I’d still live at home with my parents.

#59         I don’t like the idea that someone else would have a say in what gets watched on the living room television. If I want to watch Bridezillas, that’s the way it is. I shouldn’t have to bargain with someone about it.

#71         Another ex, when faced with our imminent breakup, laid in the road and said he’d rather be hit by a car than lose me. I thought this was romantic, rather than COMPLETELY PSYCHOTICALLY INSANE. I obviously do not have good taste in men; therefore, I should stay away from them.

#99         Comfort trumps sensuality when sleeping. I don’t want to wear lingerie. I want to wear sweats or a stretched-out t-shirt.

#117      I have no idea how to flirt. I’m still in the “punch someone in the arm or insult them to show them you like them” 3rd-grade mindset. This does not work well when you are in your mid-thirties.

#128      I sometimes get crazy eyes when I am really excited about something. If I was in love with someone, there is a good chance I would have permanent crazy eyes; this could not bode well for my chances in living a normal life.

#134      One of the guys I met while online dating packed a bag on our first date – our first time meeting one another – and when the date was over, and I made to get out of the car, showed it to me and got very, very angry that I was not inviting him up for a sleepover. “But I find you attractive! When is someone ever going to find you attractive again?” he said. He seemed normal, until the date. See #71 – bad, bad taste in men. Should not be allowed around them. Or, I should, and I could be used like a drug dog, and could sniff out the crazy ones for nice girls to avoid.

#146       I’m kind of a bitch. I don’t really want to constantly have to be on guard about that. Some days, things really, really piss me off. It is not a good idea to get in my space on those days. But if you had a significant other – they are always in your space. Oh, also I have personal space issues, so there’s that. OK, let’s just say, I’m a big old ball of crazy, and it’s exhausting to think about hiding that from someone.

#151       The kids that called me a huge nerd in high school were right. I've embraced it, but the awesome nerd guys are mostly taken by the other awesome nerd girls.

#157      I’m still waiting for a Breakfast Club-era Judd Nelson to marry me, so I’m really kind of unavailable.

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