It seems like fall is finally upon us here in New York, which is absolutely my favorite time of year. Sweaters. Warm, filling food. Shoes with socks. Long, hot showers. The smell of fall in the air. Cool nights. Pumpkins. Apples. Wool peacoats. “I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.” The rest of you saps can take your summer and its sticky disgusting heat and inability to sleep due to the oppressive humidity and mosquito bites and summer pollen allergies and go get sunburnt, because I’ll take fall every single time.
I often wonder if we gravitate unknowingly toward the season in which we were born. I’m a mid-fall baby, and my birthday’s right around the corner. And it doesn’t matter a bit that I’m not turning any exciting age, and I’m too old to be excited about birthdays anymore, I’m still very excited that it’s fall, my birthday’s almost here, I can start wearing long pants and cuddly knits again, and leaves are about to start falling from the trees.
There is one thing we have to talk about, though. Halloween.
It’s early, I know. Very early to discuss Halloween. But I think it’s better to get this out now, so you can start planning, rather than to pop it in there a week or so before the main event.
First, listen. I love Halloween. I’m a big old grumpy-grump, but I totally whore my place out as a candy wonderland. I’ve been known to stand on the porch and tell passing kids to knock on my door because I have awesome candy. Which makes their parents think I’m a scary molester, but I do! Have awesome candy! Lots of full-size peanut butter cups! Real brand-name things! I am all about making Halloween exciting for children!
But Halloween also means poor choices for adults.
Every year, my old roommate and I used to look forward to the flyers we’d get in the paper around this time of year for the Party City near us, because the badly-photographed models in their horrendous Halloween costumes would be something to see. Recently, Noa blogged about the bad decisions that people make when deciding on their Halloween costumes, and honestly, did it better and more hysterically than I could hope to. Because she’s Noa, and she could make a dead dog on the side of the road the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. But I just have to point out some of the things I found when researching this year’s crop of Halloween costumes.
OK, I’m all for grownups dressing up and such. Fine. Have a gay old time. But it’s been said before and it’s completely correct – why does every single woman’s Halloween costume have to be the slutty version of something? Slutty nurse, slutty waitress. Not everything has to be slutty. And honestly, NOT EVERYTHING SHOULD BE SLUTTY. Because some of these things are bound to give you the exact opposite of a boner.
So, in honor of the scent of fall in the air that’s making me happier than anyone has a right to be, here’s my guide to what’s on the cutting edge of slutty Halloween costumes from Party City this year.
Because nothing’s sexier than the killer from Scream. Oh, wait, the killer from Scream’s showing a LOT of leg. Nevermind, then. I’m not fearing for my life, I now want to have all the sex.
This one isn’t even trying very hard and that’s disappointing. It’s a jumpsuit. A tight jumpsuit. With the movie title Halloween over one boob. Oh, and also MICHAEL MYERS' FACE ON THE BACK. Which I would show you, but the website isn't showing us. I assume because of the boner-shrinkage issue. There’s nothing sexier than looking at that when you’re trying out the reverse cowgirl.
This…I can’t even. Really? This isn’t sexy. This is sad. Just really sad. She looks like a lost half-mime. No one wants to have sex with you, Phantomette of the Opera. Even if you sing Music of the Night while stripping on the coffee table because you drank too much tequila.
Because there’s nothing men want next to their erect male members more than an emo lunatic with a fistful of scissors.
Because every man has always harbored a fantasy of having sex with the cat dressed as a skunk in the Pepe le Pew cartoons. The faux fur headdress is the worst. HOW HOT WOULD THAT GET BY THE TIME YOU HAD A COUPLE DRINKS IN YOU. I don't know what the "video" link could be next to the picture but I can only assume it's the woman weeping because she's realized how sad her life choices are.
Wow. You know what’s sexiest about this costume, other than the gigantic pompadour? Nothing. The answer is nothing.
There is nothing sexier than Luigi from Mario Brothers. Oh, look, I found her husband.
MAN is he going to be pissed she stole his costume idea!
Braiiiins….braiiiins….oh, and I’ll totally suck your dick, but just a heads-up, this fake blood stains like a mofo so it’s going to look pretty gnarly down there when I’m done. Sorry, bro. This model looks like a 70's era Laraine Newman.
I’m sorry. I just don’t even know what to say about this. There’s someone who thinks Marvin the Martian is sexy? Really? Well, then have a great time with this costume, you crazy kids. Also, the night you wear this, saying “MY EYES ARE UP HERE” isn’t going to work. And the tiny hat totally makes this work for me. What the hell is on Joey’s head.
Pedophiles? Any pedophiles at this party? I’m a sexy girl scout! I’m a prepubescent girl! Hello, I have cookies! The cookies are my tits! Anyone?
This…um, other than the souvenir sombrero and whatever the hell’s going on at her waist which may or may not be some sort of holster, kind of just looks like a shirtdress. Fail. Didn’t try hard enough to be slutty. Although I guess if you had to do the walk of shame the next day you might be able to pull it off without being too embarrassed.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Who cares, let’s do it in the coat closet.
Again, nothing says hand job like razor-sharp fingernails.
This doesn’t even show a hint of cleavage. HOW DARE THIS CALL ITSELF SEXY. Fail. Also, I didn't see this movie (I KNOW! What is WRONG with me? Whatever, I think Cameron's a huge toolbag) but I don't think these creatures wore fuck-me pumps. Didn't they live in the TREES or some such shit? You can't climb trees in fuck-me pumps.
Wearing this costume would really help you get your ROCKS off. Ha! Get it! Rocks! Because they were always making those rock puns on the show? No? Anyone? Is the club included so you can commit suicide about how sad your life has become about two hours into the party?
Nothing says steamy Halloween sex like a reanimated murderous doll that pops out from under your couch with a knife when you’re least expecting it. Sorry, this one has an axe. That doll couldn't have carried an axe. An axe is bigger than the whole damn doll was. This is inaccurate. Anyway, it goes without saying I’m hot like a furnace just looking at this one.
OMG THE COOCH LIGHTS UP LIKE A LITTLE RUNWAY. This one’s my favorite.
So happy early Halloween, everyone! Remember, any costume can be a sexy costume if you show enough cleavage. Even the father of our nation.
I cannot tell a lie. I did have sex with your boyfriend in the backseat of your VW Beetle.