Selected Conversations I Had With Myself from 6:30 - 8:10 This Morning

Shut it off. Shut it OFF.
Can’t. Can’t move. Too tired.
Ugh. Fine. You know, if you went to bed before midnight, 6:30 wouldn’t seem so damn early.
I got distracted by shiny things.
Yes. You often do.

What is that? Oh. Gross. Gross gross gross.

The cats don’t seem aware that 6:30 is not the appropriate time to gift a person with vomit.
Is there ever a time when that’s appropriate?
No, not really. But definitely not now.

A lot of things happened on Twitter while I was sleeping. Can I just…

No. Go get ready for work.
…check them, just a little…
NO. Go get ready for WORK.
…but someone probably said something awesome that I’ll want to read and…
Oh for the love of…fine. Five minutes.

You know it’s been fifteen minutes, right? And your teeth aren’t going to brush themselves.

Do you really think that much eyeshadow is a good idea? Because you kind of look like a homeless whore.

What? No, I don’t.
No, you really do.
No, I don’t. It’s fine.
Blend it, at least.
I did.
No, you didn’t. You thought about it and then noticed you were running out of soap so went to get more and then came back and forgot about the blending and now you look like a crazy.
No one at work will notice.
I know. But YOU’LL know.
You’re right.
I always am.

I kind of want to wear shorts, a tank-top and sandals to work today. Because then they’d fire me and I could go back to sleep. Talk me out of that.

I’m really not here for that reason.  I’m not Stacey from “What Not to Wear.”
Why are you here?
Eh. Inertia. Sometimes you’re entertaining.

I think this milk is bad.

It’s not. It’s thinking about going bad. But it’s really just iffy. It’s fine.
Is it drinkable?
Yes. It’s fine.
If it’s gross, I’ve just wasted an entire bowl of cereal. And Kashi is expensive.
That isn’t Kashi. That’s Aldi brand Kashi. That’s cheap-o fake Kashi. And the milk is FINE.

You cannot possibly be checking Twitter again. You were supposed to leave for work five minutes ago.

Why is that Bug parked in the…did you – seriously, that woman was just…

Yes. That woman parked her car in the middle of the road to get out and pick up a soda can.
I kind of wanted to hit her.
I know. I think that might be justifiable homicide.
You’re supposed to be my conscience, aren’t you?
No, I'm you, because you're kind of insane and you talk to yourself a lot. But if I were your conscience, even your conscience would think that's a good idea. You don’t park in the middle of the street during morning rush hour to pick up a nickel deposit can. She deserves to be hit. People were almost getting in accidents going around her.
She probably paid for that Bug with deposit cans, though.
Oh. Yeah, probably. Good point. +1, lady.

How many times have you switched the radio dial? I think you have ADD.

I know it! I’ve been saying that for months now. I think I have adult-onset ADD. Also, to be fair, morning music is being kind of suck right now.

Did you just make a semi-sexual noise at that new gas station they’re building?

Yes.
Why is that, exactly?
Because it’s one of the ones that takes my Price Chopper card so I can get money off gas.
Yes, but a. you are boycotting Price Chopper because of what happened at the pharmacy two weeks ago, and b. that noise wasn’t really appropriate for the situation.
Saving money is hot.
Not sexy-noise-at-8 a.m. hot. Nothing is, really. Not with that eye shadow on.

I kind of want an iced coffee.

No, no you don’t. The line at the Dunkin’ Donuts is like a mile long. You’d be so late for work.
I’m already late for work.
You’d be later.
Yeah, but I’d have an ICED COFFEE. Suck on THAT.
There’s free lemonade in the fridge at work. And you can get an iced coffee at lunch.
Lunch coffee is not the same as morning coffee.
You are infuriating.
Fine, go be someone else’s conscience or whatever and I missed the turn and now the point is moot. You suck.

Why are you just sitting here?

Because I don’t want to talk to that guy.
What guy?
That guy who just got out of his car and is going into the office. If I go in now, we’ll have to make small talk.
So you ask him about the weather. It’s hot. He agrees. Success!
I’m not mentally awake enough for the give-and-take necessary to complete that sort of draining transaction.
Yet you’ve the acuity to put that sentence together. Nice one.

Seriously, I think you have a Twitter problem. Nothing possibly could have happened between when you got in the car and when you pulled into the parking lot here.