I totally just won the U.K. Lottery. SEE YOU LATER LOSERS.

Confession: I got suckered recently.

My dad told me a story the not-too-long-ago on the phone. It was funny in a kind of weird, distressing way, so I passed it along to someone.

The story my dad told me?

“This woman who works with your aunt has an autistic son. One day, after he’d gotten home from school, he called her at work. ‘I caught a troll,’ he said. ‘I’ve got him locked in the closet.’ She thought he was making things up, but he was very insistent, so she called her husband at work and asked him to go home and check on their son. He did, and heard banging coming from inside a closet. When he opened the closet, over his son’s protests, he found a very indignant little person, who had been going door-to-door working for the Census bureau. The son had thought he was a troll, overpowered him, and locked him in the closet.”

Sound familiar?

It should. It probably happened to a friend of a friend of yours, or your brother-in-law’s cousin, or your hairdresser’s son.

It’s a goddamn urban legend. 

Now, you’re reading this and thinking I’m a complete dumbass. And honestly, I have no idea why this didn’t raise a red flag to me. I think because it was my father telling it to me, and my father doesn’t usually fall for garbage. And he heard it from my uncle, who is very serious about things. As is my aunt. They are not the usual people who are suckered into crap.

It didn’t even hit me until a week later, when the person I’d passed the story along to said, “You know what’s funny? I told that story to my aunt, and she told me it also happened to a friend of a friend of hers! She must be friends with your aunt’s co-worker!” Ding ding ding! FRIEND OF A FRIEND. Shit shit shit. I’d passed along an urban legend. I’d become THAT GIRL. I was one step away from forwarding chain emails WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS WITH EMBARRASSING TYPOS and LOTS OF LOLS and HEARTS and CARTOONS OF FLAGS telling people that Obama is a terrorist because I’d read it somewhere on the interwebs. I might as well start wearing kittycat sweaters and getting a blue rinse in my tight old-lady perm.

What’s even more embarrassing is that I’m a huge fan of urban legends. I love to debunk those stupid emails. I’ve read books on the genesis of urban legends. I used to be obsessed with that awful show Jonathan Frakes hosted, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction. Did anyone else ever used to watch this? Apparently it aired from 1997 to 2002, but I caught it on reruns years later. It was horrendous. It had about six segments per episode, and you watched each segment (the segments were about ghosts, psychic phenomena, urban legends, and various other odd occurrences) and decided if it was a fact or fiction. Then at the end, Jonathan Frakes told you if you were right. Only, sometimes the show was wrong, and it would tell you that an urban legend was a fact, and that was off-putting. What can you expect, it was on FOX. The reenactments were horrendously produced, too. They were about as low-budget as they come. Like, people would run across a “set” and the walls would shake because they were made of cardboard. That bad. I LOVED IT. It was one of those shows that aired in repeats on Sunday afternoons when there was nothing else on and I’d get suckered in and I’d yell at the television. “THAT IS NOT A TRUE STORY JONATHAN FRAKES!” I would gleefully shout, as my roommate shook her head and wondered why I watched something that was obviously incorrect and awful.

I like urban legends because they are our generation’s version of fairy tales, passed from person to person, like back in the day when our ancestors would sit around the campfire telling stories to one another. Only they’re usually pretty stupid. But the ones that aren’t entertain me to no end. I love the creativity involved in them! The good old fashioned storytelling!

My favorites are the scary ones – like the gang initation/headlight thing (which many people I know ARE CONVINCED IS TOTALLY TRUE!!!) – or the really stupid ones, like the woman who dried her poodle in the microwave. I’m easily amused.

I get a lot of urban legend email forwards from people, which I like to forward back to them, with the Snopes article debunking their claim attached. The top ones they send are that Facebook is going to make us start paying for content (no they’re not), that Obama is a terrorist for so many reasons (I get this one because I’m one of those goddamn liberals and I live in the most goddamn liberal town full of goddamn liberals who are goddamn brainwashing me using their goddamn liberal brainwashing tactics – since I’m originally from a bastion of conservatism, people there think it is their duty to educate me that my beliefs are WRONG and I am SUPPORTING TERRORISTS) (and Obama isn’t a terrorist, so STOP IT PEOPLE),  and a million of those chain letters telling me that if I don’t forward them, everyone I love is going to die in a horrible bloody chainsaw tractor accident and then get hit by a meteorite sent by a  vengeful God.

STOP SENDING ME GARBAGE.

I even get them at work. It’s gotten so bad that my IT department had to send out a memo earlier in the month telling people the signs to look for that what you’re forwarding to people is probably an urban legend and not a very hot tip that your friends need to know in order to survive and not die screaming.

The tips from the IT department:

It suggests tragic consequences for not performing some action.

It promises money or gift certificates for performing some action.

It claims it's not a hoax.

There are multiple spelling or grammatical errors, or the logic is contradictory.

There is a statement urging you to forward the message.

It has already been forwarded multiple times (evident from the trail of email headers in the body of the message).

These are good tips, IT department. However, people don’t pay attention to them. They read these tips, they think, “Hey! Good tips!” and then forward the next damn hoax that comes along, because they think that the tips don’t apply to them. People think they are exempt from the rules of urban legends. Much like me and my stupid passing along of the troll story, they think “but this will not happen to ME! I would not pass along an urban legend!”

Let’s look at these tips in more detail.

It suggests tragic consequences for not performing some action/It promises money or gift certificates for performing some action/There is a statement urging you to forward the message.

People still think – STILL, and this started happening EONS ago – that Bill Gates is going to send them money for forwarding an email. It’s not going to happen. Also, those chain emails that say that if you don’t forward an email to the ten most fabulous women you know within the next fifteen minutes or you will NEVER FIND LOVE EVER and also, if you don’t send it back to the person who forwarded it to you, SHE WILL KNOW WHAT A SHITTY FRIEND YOU ARE? Well, color me shitty, because I just hit delete, asshole. STOP SPAMMING ME. Seriously. Why are you wasting our mutual time on this? Why aren’t you WORKING? At WORK? I mean, I know why I’m not. I’ve got a very important and socially-relevant blog about important things like whorish Halloween costumes and pie charts to write and if I don’t write in it, there are literally TENS of people who will be disappointed. But you? And the worst thing, one of the people who sent me the most of these, before I completely blocked her email, was in the medical field. Um. You’re supposed to be saving people’s lives, I think? And also, years of medical school, and you still think that chain letters both work and are something that you need to fill your friend’s email inboxes with? If I ever get injured, please bring me to any hospital but yours. Thanks in advance.

It claims it’s not a hoax.

I love this. That’s someone sending you an email telling you you’ve won the British Lottery, or someone telling you that they’re the Prince of Uganda and you need to deposit their check into your bank account, or a homeless person coming up to you, smelling of beer, telling you they just need $20 for a bus ticket to visit their sick mother. “But it MUST be true! It SAYS SO! Right HERE!” Yes! Yes it does. Well! Then how could it be A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FALSEHOOD. Because NO ONE HAS EVER LIED TO ANYONE EVER IN PRINT.

There are multiple spelling or grammatical errors, or the logic is contradictory.

Well, if it’s coming from one of the people who usually send me this kind of crap, the spelling errors could either be in the original message, or coming from them, honestly, so this one’s hard to tell. And as for logic – well, logic isn’t really the strong suit of people who are sending these things. People who are sending these things think that a multitude of celebrities died falling off of cliffs, that black and white caterpillars are poisonous, and casinos pump extra oxygen in to keep gamers awake and playing longer. 

It has already been forwarded multiple times (evident from the trail of email headers in the body of the message).

Then it MUST be true. Look at all the people who have already seen it! THIS IS A FAMOUS EMAIL.

Here’s my urban legend advice.

If you hear “friend of a friend” – GO TO SNOPES.COM.

If it sounds overly jingoistic and suspect – GO TO SNOPES.COM.

If you get an email forward with a lot of caps, misspellings, and teddy bear cartoons – DELETE IT.

If you send me garbage like this – BE PREPARED TO GET A SNOPES LINK FORWARDED BACK TO YOU, or, alternately, GO DIE IN A FIRE YOU’RE WASTING MY PRECIOUS TIME.

Now, send this post to everyone you know within the next ten minutes or you will not get the money that’s coming to you, you will get boils on your face, your hair will fall out, your prince will NEVER come, and you’ll get crabs the size of cockroaches. A friend of a friend told me so. IT MUST BE TRUE.

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

I have a problem.

What do these names have in common?

John Bender

Chuck Bass

William Pratt

Damon Salvatore

Heathcliff Earnshaw

Gabriel Gray

Logan Echolls

If you say they’re all fictional characters, well, yes, you are correct.

If you’re reading the list and you’re seeing a correlation between some of them, but you don’t know who William Pratt or Gabriel Gray are, would it make any difference to you if I added their more commonly-used nicknames to the list? Here. Here is an amended list. Just for you.

John Bender

Chuck Bass

William “The Bloody” Pratt, a.k.a. Spike

Damon Salvatore

Heathcliff Earnshaw

Gabriel “Sylar” Gray

Logan Echolls

Better?

(And yes, I realize that Heathcliff, not actually being an Earnshaw, doesn’t ever get the surname, but the list looked weird if he only had one name, like Cher or Madonna. And also, I’ve always assumed he was Mr. Earnshaw’s bastard son, and therefore very much an Earnshaw, and also therefore, making his relationship with Cathy ever-so-much-more disturbing, if that’s even possible.)

Yes, they’re all fictional characters. 

They’re also all complete dicks.

And I’m completely in love with all of them.

I have an addiction to the anti-hero.

Not just the anti-hero, either. The dickiest dick of an anti-hero, that’s the one I want. The one that would sell out his own mother and kill your sister and sleep with your best friend and eat all of your Teddy Grahams AND NEVER EVER BUY YOU ANY TO REPLACE THEM OR APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

There are heroes, there are anti-heroes, and there are these kind of guys. The Byronic anti-heroes. The broken ones. The ones that have been so scarred by something in their past that they’re never going to be any good or at all trustworthy but maybe, just maybe, you can be the one who fixes them. You can be the one person that uncovers the treasure, that unearths the jewel hiding behind the grime and filth, that reaches in and fixes what’s been broken and they’ll be loyal to you, and only you, for all time.

In fiction, it’s easy to see what’s so compelling about characters like these. They’re a hell of a lot more readable/watchable than the boring heroes or even the less ambiguous anti-heroes. They’re evil. They do evil things. But if they were just evil, they’d start being boring. We keep coming back because they have hidden motives, they have a rich interior monologue, and every once and a while, a bit of humanity will peep out of their dark places.

Bender will torment a bullied student, but then tell the story of how his father burned him with cigarettes.

Logan will force homeless men to fight for money, but then be forced to walk to the closet to pick out the belt that his father will beat him with that night.

Spike will stalk and kill people in the bloodiest fashion imaginable, but then remember people mocking him for having a crush on a popular girl when he was young.

And you can’t hate them. You can’t, because you see that humanity, and it softens you on them. You just know you could fix them, if given the chance. You see how loyal they are to the few people they let in behind their very high walls and you love them, despite their wrongdoings, no matter how bad they are.

The problem is, this doesn’t hold true in real life.

Let’s take Heathcliff. I assume most of you have read Wuthering Heights, either on your own or as an assignment for a class, or watched one of the million movie adaptations. In case you haven’t, or need a refresher, here you go:

Heathcliff is adopted by the Earnshaw family, and is supposedly a gypsy child (but it’s slightly hinted at that he might be the bastard child of Mr. Earnshaw, which makes for a much better backstory, in my opinion.) He falls in love with his foster sister, Catherine. Catherine and he have a tumultuous relationship, which is characterized by mental and physical abuse on both sides. When his foster father dies, his foster brother forces him to become a servant to the family. Catherine decides she wants to become a lady, and begins hanging out with a higher-class family and spurns Heathcliff, who is now her servant. She marries into the higher-class family despite loving Heathcliff, because he is too low-class for her. He is obsessive and furious and there is a lot of hitting and throwing and such. He runs off, makes a lot of money in shady ways, comes home rich, and seduces Catherine’s sister-in-law and marries her as revenge on both Catherine (who he knows still loves him) and her husband. Catherine is furious and dies not long afterwards in childbirth. Heathcliff abuses his wife in every way possible, for the simple reason that she isn’t Catherine, yet she still loves him completely. He then, over the years, continues to get revenge on everyone who has slighted him, while obsessing over his dead lover, by playing their children against one another. Eventually he dies because he is haunted by Catherine’s ghost. 

This isn’t a very good recap, because it leaves out the simple fact that, no matter what Heathcliff does, and no matter how awful he is, and no matter how he treats the people around him (especially the women) like pawns on a chessboard, HE COMES ACROSS AS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. I don’t know how this works but it totally does. I have had a crush on Heathcliff and his obsessive love for his possible half-sister since I was twelve. No, it’s not a crush. I am head-over-heels for Heathcliff. I read it, and the intelligent part of me KNOWS what a dick he is, but the stupidly romantic part of me is very squishy and foolish and thinks “I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME LIKE THAT.”

Here’s the problem.

I had a Heathcliff, once. I was young, and it seemed very romantic. Phone calls at all hours. Declarations of love after knowing one another for a few days. Threats of bodily harm if we could not be together forever. But come to find out, there’s nothing romantic about dating a Heathcliff. Heathcliff, whose passion and fury seem very good on paper, in real life, is scary. Really, really scary. Restraining-order scary.

You do not, under any circumstances, want a real-life Heathcliff, or Damon Salvatore, or John Bender. They are broken. YOU CAN’T FIX THEM. They have to fix themselves, or get professional help for the fixing. Maybe, once they’re fixed, they’ll be up for public consumption again, but until that day, they are off the market. Don’t even try to fix them. It’s a losing proposition. You’ll just frustrate yourself and you also run the risk of getting seriously hurt, in one way or the other, in the process.

I walk the fine line of loving my fictional anti-heroes and keeping away from anyone who shows signs of being this person in real life. There’s nothing inherently bad, I suppose, in loving the fictional anti-hero. Like I said, they’re a lot more watchable/readable. They’re richer, fuller characters. I am bored to tears by the traditional hero who swoops in with motives pure as the driven snow to save the day. The reluctant slacker anti-hero, drawn into service without any desire to be there, is a little more interesting but not much. I want the twisty anti-hero. I want a backstory full of shadow and substance and a character molded by forces that did not have his best interests at heart. I want a nature versus nurture struggle. I want a twirly mustache and a big black hat hiding a heart of gold.

The problem is when you let that bleed over into real life.

In real life, even when I think that’s what I want, I now know it’s not. I know what Heathcliff really looks like, when he steps off the page. A petulant child. A broken pouting bully. Someone who wants to take everyone around him down with him. I don’t want that or deserve that. I’ve had that. I did my time with that. No more of that.

Things are always prettier in fiction. I’ll keep my anti-heroes there, where they can wreak havoc safely for my entertainment purposes. I’ll stick with my fictional dark and twisty guys. I can close the book or turn off the television when I’m done with them. A twelve-step program (“Learn to love the bland! Learn to embrace the safe!”) probably wouldn’t do me much good. I’m not ready to give them up quite yet.

Dennis Rodman is to "The Mole" as the honey badger is to LIFE.

Well! It’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day. As much as I’d like to say I could write an entire blog post about this very exciting holiday, I’m pretty sure even I can’t stretch that out into an entire blog post.

Sort of on-topic, but does anyone remember that horrendous pirate reality show from a few years ago that was attempting to capitalize on the Pirates of the Caribbean craze and it was the funniest and most horrible thing ever? It was so bad they didn’t even show the last few episodes and you had to search online to find out who won. Sorry. “Won.” Pirate Master. Yeah, it was the worst. I remember laughing myself to tears over this thing. The best part was, at the end of each episode, the contestant who was voted out was “cut adrift” and put on a raft in the ocean and then the camera would just watch them float off into the mist. I assume we were supposed to draw the conclusion that they died out there. Not everything makes a good reality show, TV execs.

Oh, and also? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE MOLE. That was my favorite show. Well, no, it totally wasn’t, but it was really awesome. First, there was Anderson Cooper, so I got to ogle him. Yes, yes, I know I don’t play for his team, it doesn’t mean I can’t stare longingly. And as an aside, I totally want to be BFFs with Anderson Cooper. I think he would know the best stories and you would have the best time with him. Also I think he would send you the wackiest texts. “Just woke up with a tarantula in my $4,000 alligator loafer while on assignment LOL” or “So don’t have the mental stamina to hang out with Kathy Griffin tonight, call me in an hour & I’ll pretend you’re having an ER and I have to jet? You’re the best, XXOO.”

(And, aside the second, is anyone else a little disturbed by the new Anderson Cooper talk show? I always saw him as classy, and haven’t seen the show or anything, but it sounds like it’s corny and annoying. This worries me. How will I look up to my silver fox if he’s getting mud facials with Kathy Griffin or whatever? Sincerely worrisome. I feel like his mom is tsking him every time it airs. She seems like she’d be totally classy, right?)

Oh, just in case you didn’t watch The Mole (and, based on ratings, the only household watching it was my own), the premise was there were like 12 people, and one of them was the mole, who was working with the producers, and trying to sabotage the others, and if you could guess who the mole was, you won, but if you didn’t, the mole won. It wasn’t rocket science.

The part I liked best about The Mole was that there were all of these clues all through the season pointing the viewer toward whichever player was the mole, but they were so insanely obscure there was no way anyone could ever get them. Like, one year, they went into a storehouse full of burlap bags, and if you looked at the first letter of every word on every bag in the storehouse, it spelled out the name of the mole. Yeah, no one at home’s doing that. That takes a level of commitment no one really has. Also, they didn’t tell us, as home viewers, this clue-dropping was occurring. So in the final episode, when they started showing all of these very random clues, the conversation my roommate and I had went thusly:

Me: Did they even show all of those burlap bags?

Her: Even if they did, it would only have been for a minute. And we didn’t even know we were supposed to be looking for clues.

Me: There’s not enough Anderson Cooper in the world to make me ok with this clue fiasco.

Then, after the Anderson Cooper seasons, they had a couple seasons of Celebrity Mole, which was even MORE awesome, if you can imagine it, because you didn’t have to waste time getting to know people. You already knew who they were! And who they were was the bottom of the barrel of celebrities. Like, the people who would eventually turn up on Celebrity Rehab. The sad chubby Baldwin. Dennis Rodman. Those type of celebrities.

Dennis Rodman’s season was the best because DENNIS RODMAN DID NOT CARE. And, spoiler alert, HE STILL WON THE WHOLE THING. I think he was drunk or high the whole time, and he was hysterical to watch because they’d be doing a task and he’d just half-ass the task. So of course, everyone thought he was the mole, because of the sabotaging. But it wasn’t sabotaging. Much like the honey badger, Dennis Rodman didn’t care. Sometimes he’d sit out the task, sometimes he’d throw things, sometimes he’d wander off and talk to strangers. It was like playing a game with a toddler. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

How he stayed in the game as long as he did was a mystery that I don’t even think Dennis Rodman understood, but eventually, it was down to three people, and Dennis Rodman correctly chose the mole from the other two teammates and won. No one was more surprised by this than Dennis Rodman. But you couldn’t tell, because he’s pretty inscrutable. He just kind of nodded and wandered off to call someone on his cell or something. The host tried to interview him about his “strategy” and went on and on about “how brilliant it was! To make everyone think you were the mole! By sabotaging the games!” and Dennis Rodman asked him what the hell he was talking about. Because he hadn’t been sabotaging anything. He didn’t want to play their stupid reindeer games, so he did something else until they were done.

This made for really watchable television. It wasn’t Dennis Rodman in his wild-man wearing a dress days, or anything, it was just hysterical because the other players were driving themselves insane, taking all these notes, comparing theories, the host was all fired up, and there was Dennis Rodman! Sunbathing on a bench! Watching the birds! Bored with the task, so chatting with a cameraman! I loved to think of the producers playing the blame game in the editing bay. “YOU thought it was a good idea to get Rodman.” “No, YOU said he was good TV, I said he had a drug problem now.” “WE CAN’T AIR THIS RODMAN WON’T PLAY THE SANDCASTLE GAME AND EVERYONE THINKS HE’S THE MOLE.”

I also miss the show Murder in Small Town X. Now, I’m pretty sure no one but me watched this. It was ten years ago, and it was not very good. But it was the funniest mélange of reality show and murder mystery you’ve ever seen. They brought a group of people to a small town in Maine, and they had them do a combination of a dinner theater murder mystery and a reality show. They were all investigators into a serial killing, and at the end of each episode, two of them were chosen to go out to obscure locations in the town and investigate clues. One of them found a good clue that they could bring back to the rest and share; the other was brutally “murdered” by the serial killer, and that part was scary because the murderer popped out from behind something in the dark and I never liked that part.

This was one of those summer reality shows that doesn’t have to be very good because it’s the summer, and they know no one is watching it anyway, so they don’t try very hard. But it actually was kind of entertaining. They took over this village and peopled it with role-playing actors in the serial killing drama and the contestants had to go around town and ask people questions. It was like dinner theater that never ends. So that’s kind of a nightmare. I hate murder mystery dinner theater. I was forced into one of these years ago and will never go to another one. It was on a cruise ship (well, I wasn’t ON a cruise. The ship was docked. You’re foolish if you think I can afford a cruise. If I had the money for a cruise I’d buy something that lasts, like a new computer or a puppy) so you couldn’t escape. And you had to ask the actors things. So I decided I would not, and would just eat and read the book I’d secreted away into my purse. But apparently the actors are trained to deal with people that won’t play along and they get all up in your face. Well, that’s off-putting. What are you bothering me for, actor? Go pester someone who wants to solve your stupid boat mystery. Also, they kept coming over and bothering me when I had a mouthful of food, like waiters always seem to. Well, I can’t ask you where you were at 10pm last night with a mouthful of dinner roll, Lady Covington, so back the frig off, ok?

The sad thing about this show was that the finale aired 9/4/01, and the winner, a NYC firefighter, died a week later in the Twin Towers. I know. Way to be a buzzkill. But he seemed very nice, and he only had a week to celebrate his winnings.

The ratings were insanely low for this show. Like I said, it wasn’t very good. The best actors were the reality contestants, and they weren’t acting, if that explains anything. But it was actually really a fun watch. It was like watching community theater people put on a reality show. I sort of loved it. And of course it was gone after one summer.

For someone who doesn’t really like reality shows I watch more of them than you’d think. I like the game shows, is the thing, like the competition ones? It’s the dating and lifestyle ones that make me tired. Oh, and I’ve never watched any of those Toddlers in Tiaras-type things. Mostly because I’m pretty sure I’d get sucked in. They look terrible and wonderful all at once.

This post has nothing to do with Talk Like a Pirate Day, like, at all, does it. I’m a total disappointment. Sorry. I kind of went off on a tangent and didn’t stop. It’s Monday WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. Fine. Arr! Scurvy! Walk the plank, matey! Pieces of eight! Avast! Poop deck! (Hee hee!) Redrum! Shit, that’s not a pirate, that’s the kid from The Shining. Sorry. Chester Copperpot! (FINE I know that’s not a real pirate thing but there were pirates IN The Goonies and I love it so much that I had to throw it in so LEAVE ME ALONE.)

Can we have International Watch The Goonies Day? I’d be down with that, please. Who do I talk to about that? Anderson Cooper? Can you help me out with this?

I H8 to tell you but I watched H8R last night. It was about as good as you might expect.

This day has just about killed me but I have so much work to do I’m pretty sure my office would reanimate my and have my zombie corpse chained to my desk so I could do MORE work, is how bad it’s been. But shh, I’m sneaking in for a minute. 

So far, fall television has been a huge son, I am disappoint.

I’ve watched four new shows – one of which I KNEW would be awful but the shows I was PLANNING to watch in that time slot weren’t on because somehow I got my wires crossed, I don’t know, so I had time and it was on – and none of them were all that impressive. Remember how the other day I said that right before the fall season started, it was like Christmas Eve? Well, it’s early Christmas morning, and so far all I’ve unwrapped are some really boring educational DVDs and a hat that doesn’t fit correctly. Oh, and a bag of crazy. 

Ringer wasn’t the worst thing ever. It was fine. The special effects were horrendous, though. Who thought they were ok? Someone ok’d these? Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could do better with the video camera in my cell phone. I would be embarrassed if I was the person who was presenting this to the public. Also, it’s very, very hard for me to imagine Sarah Michelle Gellar in peril, because it’s Buffy, you know? I’m just wondering why she isn’t kicking the badguy’s asses and snarking at them. It’s disconcerting. Oh, also, Jason Dohring WASN’T EVEN IN THE FIRST EPISODE. Um, this is very worrisome, why would you do that to me, Ringer? It’s early yet, though, so I’ll give it another go. 

The NBC comedies Up All Night and Free Agents were…um…well, to be kind, they weren’t the worst things I’ve ever seen ever in the history of ever! That’s nice, right? Here’s my problem with them. First, Up All Night. Not that funny, first off. Will Arnett should only play his typical stupid/smart characters, because I don’t know if he can pull off anything else. Maya Rudolph was funny, but it’s just her Saturday Night Live Oprah character, so it seems like a rip-off. And the show’s kind of stupid. Free Agents – well, listen, I have always had a crush on Hank Azaria, and there are a lot of good actors crammed into this series, but it’s just not very good. It’s actually also pretty stupid. I guess you could turn the sound off and just stare at Hank Azaria, but that seems like a waste of half an hour. So will I watch them again? Probably not. I don’t see them getting much better. 

Now for the bag of crazy. When I tell you the title, you’re going to say, well! OF COURSE IT WAS INSANE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. I was curious, give me a break. H8R? I almost want to say that title in a small voice and run away from you, I’m so embarrassed I watched this thing. Ok, premise is, Mario Lopez pretends to interview everyday people for a reality show and part of the interview is “blast off about one celebrity you hate more than anything and BE DESCRIPTIVE.” (They don’t say that, I added that part, but it seems to be the subtext.) So on video, we have some schmo going on and on and on about how much they hate some celebrity like, oh, I don’t know, Snookie. Then Mario Lopez shows the video TO Snookie, who he is apparently close personal friends with. And then Snookie CONFRONTS the h8r (I think I might be contractually bound to spell it like that) in his or her natural habitat. The h8r is shaken when confronted by his or her asshattery, but continues to act like an asshat because it would totally look like he or she was losing face if he or she just backed down and said “Sorry, Snookie, I don’t know you at all and was just blasting, as you do, on a celebrity that seems annoying!” Then – THEN! – Snookie took the h8r grocery shopping (…I don’t know either?) and they bonded a little, then she cooked dinner for his whole family, and at the end of the dinner, she said, “Are you still a h8r?” and he said “NO SNOOKIE I AM A LOVER” and she wooo-ed and all was well. 

The second segment was similar only stupider, because it was a girl with spotted hair (no, seriously, is this a thing? I will have to find you a graphic. She had white-blond hair with leopard-like spots running down one side of it.) 

Well, this isn’t a very good photo and also what's with this chick's emo eyeliner and such and I can’t find a better one so I guess the H8R was on the cutting edge of stupid. But it was like this, only the spots were BIGGER and only on one SIDE and VERY PRONOUNCED. And no one mentioned it? At all? In the whole episode? So that struck me as odd. 

So anyway, Spotty hated, hated, HAAAATED Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor. I don’t know anything about The Bachelor. I don’t watch it. I don’t care about dating shows. Well, except for Rock of Love. Now THAT was a dating show. Yowza. So awesomely filled with whoredom. Anyway. She went on for a while about how awful he was and then the worst part – “I heard he was probably GAY!” she said, in a shocked tone. Hmm. That WOULD be upsetting, because then he would have been MISREPRESENTING HIMSELF ON A DATING SHOW OMG. The only thing worse than that would be if he lied about the “journey” he was taking while on the show. Because isn’t that just the best? When they talk about being on a “journey?” It doesn’t at all make you want to vomit until you’re sore. 

So Mario gleefully showed Jake the footage and Jake got all sad and teary-eyed (honestly, he seemed like kind of a whine-ass, but he was pretty as all get-out) and then confronted Spotty at some spa she was at but first played a trick on her where he pretended to be hitting on her and being a douche and she was totally turned on by him but pretending not to be, so it was all of a sudden very sad. Because you could see WHY she hated Jake. Because he was every guy who’d ever turned Spotty down ever. And Spotty was actually quite pretty, if you did something about her horrendous hairstyle. Then Mario popped out of a potted plant or something and kind of strong-armed Spotty into going on a date with Jake which was kind of like one of the dates on The Bachelor, where they drove around aimlessly getting to know one another in an SUV and then went on a plane. And she was very cold but you could TELL she dug him but was just being a dick because she was getting revenge on whoever had hurt her in the past. And then – because Jake is a big old pretty weirdo – he took her to the Bachelor house, I guess to show off and be all, “Lookie what I can do, take you to a famous place because I am a very famous person!” and she was pissed (and this time, rightfully so, because it was so douchey of him.)  

OK, now THE BEST PART. He sat her down and started just spewing all over about his childhood, and how he never felt like his father loved him, and how this affected him throughout his life, and how her being a h8r really bothered him because of it, and she’s watching him all confused because HE IS TOTALLY CRYING, and then he says “I’ve never told anyone any of this before.” Really. REALLY? Then why are you telling a total stranger who just blasted you to the whole world and hates you so much? YOU ARE A WEIRD REALITY SHOW WEIRDO WITH AMAZING BONE STRUCTURE WHO IS TOTALLY SAD. She then just kind of wandered off and he realized that his daddy was never going to love him so he slammed some doors and then they separated and as she drove off she said, “I was a h8r before and I’m a H8R NOW!!!!” 

THIS SHOW IS AWFUL. 

At the end, they showed the celebrities who were going to be on the rest of the season, and I recognized three of them. And there were about ten of them. The three I recognized were Kim Kardashian, Janice Dickinson, and Eva Longoria. Then they said their names and one of them was the asshole who does the Girls Gone Wild videos. Is there anyone who LIKES this guy? I bet even his MOTHER thinks he’s a exploitative douchecanoe. And there was one guy who looked like he was made of wax and he made me laugh until I almost pissed myself. He looked like Christian Bale but made of wax. SO SO SHINY. I wanted to confront him and discuss what was going on with that face, honestly. It is apparently Scott Disick. 

This photo isn’t so shiny – it must have been the H8R lighting or he’d just had some major botox something – but I chose it because it makes me laugh. Why is he posing in front of the ocean like this? Does he think he’s auditioning for Miami Vice? Fun!  (I have never watched a single episode of that Kardashian show but my father watches it. Here is a sample of him talking about it: “I hate that show. Those people are so stupid. The people that marry them are so stupid. Something’s wrong with Bruce Jenner’s face. I don’t like their butts but all the men say they have the best butts. Why are they famous. I hate that show.” “Um, Dad, if you hate it, why do you watch it?” “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Amy. EVERYONE watches that show.”) 

Here are my thoughts, Mario Lopez. First: it doesn’t exactly mean you are a h8r if you blast a celebrity on the internet. Sometimes it means you’re unintelligent and believe everything that’s in the tabloids; sometimes it just means you’re venting. Listen, I have a lot of celebrities I don’t like, for various reasons. Here’s a list: 

Tom Cruise: scary cult leader

Chris Klein: hates women

Miley Cyrus: seems unintelligent

Jay Leno: not funny and seems like kind of a cock

Roman Polanski: child molester

Chris Brown: beats women

Ginnifer Goodwin: seems unintelligent and chooses men incorrectly

Carrot Top: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS SCARY FACE 

I don’t really HATE them, though. Why? I don’t know them! I think in order to hate someone, you really have to know them. Do I like these people? No. Do I want to hang out with them? No, no I don’t (and actually, in Carrot Top’s case, OH MY GOD PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME NO.) 

But if Mario Lopez showed up and said I needed to spend a day with one of these people you know what I’d say? NO THANK YOU MARIO LOPEZ. That’s just a recipe for disaster, really. The people who say yes are just reality show whores who want their moment of fame. They’re just as sad as the celebrities! It’s a sad shame spiral, really. A co-dependent shame spiral. 

So this season, so far, kind of a total letdown. Luckily, it’s still early. Tonight: The Secret Circle! Starring the girl who kind of annoyed me from Life Unexpected and Gale Harold, WHO WILL NEVER ANNOY ME. What will happen? One can only imagine.

My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part fall television series! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU. 

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right? 

Also, you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that. 

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows 

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives. 

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know 

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t – IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember? 

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign. 

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC) 

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.) 

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. 

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one. 

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that? 

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX) 

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life 

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS. 

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.) 

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Green screen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too. 

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX) 

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California. 

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos 

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic? 

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can't look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.

I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue. 

Ringer (9/13/11, CW) 

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister. 

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever. 

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that. 

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really. 

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!) 

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don't love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this. 

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.

Fall TV Anti...ci...pation Part II - Returning Shows O'Shininess

I love Sundays. They’re so restful. I mean, other than the things I should be doing that I’m not. Like cleaning. And errands. And baking. Things like that. But no! No, I refuse to deprive you of what you’ve been promised!

Friday we discussed shows in the fall season I will not, under any circumstances, be watching. We discussed them while I was most likely dying. Well! Today I am STILL most likely dying, but it’s been two days, so I’m obviously much closer to death’s door than I was two days ago. But I refuse to go out without finishing part two of my three part series on fall television. Why, you ask? BECAUSE TELEVISION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. I can hear you, person in the back muttering that I have no life. Well, you know what? Go hang out with your super-cool friends in your super-cool hangout drinking whatever it is the cool kids are drinking or whatever and shut the hell up. I’ll be watching my big old television, thank you very much.

Today, let’s talk about returning shows I’m excited about. I narrowed it down to my top five, because the list was much too long and it kind of made me look like a crazy person. Which you already know I am but really, is there any need to broadcast it further? I think not.

Also – here there be spoilers, if you aren’t caught up. Sorry!

Fall 2011 Returning Shows I’m Most Jazzed About

The Walking Dead (October 16, 2011, AMC) 

Premise: A group of Americans attempts to survive in a post-Apocalyptical zombie wasteland.

Starring: Andrew Lincoln (SWOON), Sarah Wayne Callies from Prison Break, and a lot of other amazingly talented people that you might not have heard of but who cares, they are wonderful and once you see this, you will LOVE them.

This summer, I read the first two graphic novels in the series, to prepare myself for season two, because even though I don’t like to be spoiled, I COULD NOT WAIT. I knew, from the first few minutes of this series, that it was going to be spectacular, and it delivered all the way through. The casting is brilliant; the special effects are brilliant; the acting is brilliant; the art direction is brilliant; the writing is brilliant; the direction itself is brilliant. I have nothing but good things to say about this show. AMC allows the show to be as gory as it needs to be, so it comes across as a very realistic horror movie in television form. The relationships between characters are very strong and true. People act like you’d imagine they would, if faced with a situation like this one. You hate people (SHANE! I want to punch Shane in the NECK!) and love people (I have a total and complete crush on Rick. Rick gets shit TAKEN CARE OF. Rick quietly does what needs to be done. Rick would not get involved in nonsense. Also, Rick is crazy handsome and super-tall and played Mark in Love, Actually and made me cry a million tears when he held up the signs to confess his love for Kiera Knightley’s character who was stupid and should have immediately left her very nice but very boring husband for him WHAT THE HELL, KIERA KNIGHTLEY’S CHARACTER. I am SO MAD AT HER I didn't even bother Googling her character name. JUST THAT MAD.)

And the cliffhanger! Holy flesh-chomping walkers, what a cliffhanger! I am DYING to find out what Dr. Jenner whispered in Rick’s ear right before they escaped the CDC. The graphic novels didn’t cover that, so it’s either still to come, or something that’s just for the series.

My only sadness is that I have to wait until next month for this, and then we only get seven episodes and then a hiatus until February for the rest. Oh, and that there’s some nonsense going on over at AMC and Frank Darabont (who developed it for television, had a hand in writing most of the episodes, and directed the amazing pilot) was either quit or fired so Season Two might be a worry since it might have been brilliant because of him. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for continued excellence. Also, this was robbed at the Emmy nominations. ROBBED I TELL YOU.

The Good Wife (September 25, 2011, CBS)

Premise: A state’s attorney is jailed following a sex and corruption scandal. His wife, who stood by him throughout, goes back to work as an attorney at an old flame’s firm.

Starring: Everyone who is anyone, and more amazing people every season. Julianna Margulies, Chris Noth, Josh Charles, Archie Panjabi, Christine Baranski, Matt Czuchry, Alan Cumming, Titus Welliver, Mary Beth Peil, Dallas Roberts, Michael J. Fox, Gary Cole, America Ferrera – need I go on? Because I can. I totally can.

Secret? I didn’t plan on watching this when it started. I hate law shows. They bore the pants off me. I don’t watch the Law and Order franchise (well, except for SVU, and I only watch that because I love the two leads, so I guess I’m SOL next season!), and things like A Few Good Men? I mentally take naps during them. Law is BORING to me. I know. I am a heathen and probably should be dunked like a witch for such an admission. Sorry.

My roommate at the time this started watched the pilot, and when I halfheartedly asked her what she’d thought, was full of praise. “You HAVE to watch this, Amy,” she said. “You’re going to love it. It’s not just a law show. I promise. It’s AMAZING.” The reviews had been very good, so I thought, what the hell, I’ll give it a shot.

This show sucked me in and hasn’t let go yet. It gets better with every episode. Julianna Margulies, first off, is brilliant in her role. I mean, she was always wonderful – her turn on ER was one of the reasons I watched the show, and I stopped watching not long after she left – but honestly, even though I love her to pieces, I’m not watching the show for her anymore. There are two people I’m watching the show for, and they are Alan Cumming and Archie Panjabi.

Not to slight the rest of the cast. They’re doing a great job. The writing is crisp, the events are timely without that weird “ripped from the HEADLINES!” feel that L&O episodes have, the relationships between characters are emotional and true. But Cumming and Panjabi have gone so far above and beyond that they deserve special mention.

Archie Panjabi plays Kalinda Sharma, an investigator for the law firm where Julianna Margulies’s character works. Only, she’s not really Kalinda Sharma. Because last season we found out she took on that persona when she fled another life, one that we know nothing about. Kalinda is a gorgeous bisexual badass who is the most loyal friend you’ll ever meet. If I had to pick one fictional character on television to have my back, it would be Kalinda. I ADORE her. And it’s not just the character, or the writing. Panjabi is BRILLIANT. She has layers upon layers of nuancing in her performance. She can transmit more with a look than most actors can do with pages of monologuing. She’s one of those characters that when she cries, I’m gone. I’m that invested in her character. She’s on the screen, I’m not watching anyone else. She commands every scene she’s in. She’s a master class in acting.

Alan Cumming has always been one of my favorite actors (I’ll never forget him talking about visiting upstate New York on Letterman one night and his joy in the fact that, at our gas stations, you could get “both ice cream AND petrol!” and his Scottish burr over the gas station chain “Stewart’s” made my whole night) and he does not disappoint in this show. His Eli Gold, a mastermind, a spider spinning a web, planning everything so Peter Florrick can get re-elected, is such a layered character that you want to hate him but you just can’t. He’s very human. He’s very American, really. Very ambitious. Very get-it-done-at-any-cost. And he’s at his best when the cracks begin to show, and his humanity peeks out – when he’s feeling romantic feelings toward a new woman in his life; when he’s realizing how much he actually relates to and likes Alicia Florrick, even more than her husband, actually; when he’s verbally sparring with his daughter. The public man, ruthless and heartless, is at war with the private man, caring and good. He’s doing a brilliant job.

At the end of Season Two, Alicia and her boss, Will, finally seemed to consummate years of flirting once she realized that her husband had slept with more people than he’d let on – worse, that he’d slept with Kalinda, her best friend. A plot twist everyone’s on the edge of their seat about, myself included. But I’m more interested in how this is affecting Kalinda, and how this will affect Eli. I’d watch the two of them fold laundry for an hour, honestly. They’re that good.

Community (September 22, 2011, NBC)

Premise: A group of people with very little in common form a ragtag study group and become friends in one of the strangest community colleges in America.

Starring: the funniest cast on television. Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Alison Brie, Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Donald Glover, Chevy Chase, Ken Jeong, and a lot of recurring extras.

I didn’t love the first episode of this. I watched it and thought, eh, this is going to be another Kath and Kim situation, isn’t it? I made it clear how I feel about the NBC comedy block in my last post: it seems like they always throw something not-funny in there, to mess with my head or something. At the time, My Name is Earl was still in there (I miss you, My Name is Earl!) and Community was the late add-in. I decided I’d give it one more chance. Thank you, my stubborn instincts and long-running dedication to anything anyone who’s ever starred on Saturday Night Live does!

This show – I don’t know how to describe this show. It’s really an acquired taste. You get it or you don’t. I understand that. I wish more people did, and then it wouldn’t be on the bubble for renewal every season, but I get that it’s not everyone’s thing. Fine. It makes me laugh so hard I snort. It makes me laugh so hard I miss the next joke and have to go back and watch it over again to catch what I missed the first time around because I was laughing so hard.

It’s one of the most intelligent comedies on television. There was a paintball episode which had western and sci-fi elements. There was a clip episode of clips that didn’t happen. There was a zombie Halloween episode. There was – and this was just the most amazing thing ever, ever, EVER – a Dungeons and Dragons episode, where the group roleplayed.

It’s actually touching at times, as well. Sometimes it brings a tear to my eye. The writing is very crisp in its absurdity. Every actor commits to the insane reality they’ve created 100%, and it works. I don’t expect it will be around much longer – we were, honestly, lucky to get it for as long as we did – but I’m so happy with what we did get that I can’t really complain. OK, I can. I will. Who would I be if I didn’t complain?

Game of Thrones (Spring 2012, HBO) 

Premise: the life and times of the people of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and their struggles for power and survival in the often magical land.

Starring: Michelle Fairley, Lena Headley, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Peter Dinklage, Kit Harington, Emilia Clarke, Iain Glen, and a million billion other people because there are SEVEN kingdoms, damn, I can’t list them all

OK, I’m not sure if next season will be called Game of Thrones, or will be called Clash of Kings after the second book in the series. HBO is being pretty tight-lipped about the whole second season, other than a vague release date and some casting info. I assume they’ll stick with the original title because wouldn’t that confuse people, otherwise?

I came into this game late. Ha! Nice play on words. I did, though. My amazing, brilliant, wonderful, life-changing book club was reading the first book in the series a few months ago, and I had heard that the series was on HBO, but as I’m very, very poor, I can’t afford HBO, so I didn’t get it and was not watching it. I read the book. I immediately had to watch the series. I got HBO for True Blood (spoiler alert: waste of my money, this season sucked) and watched Game of Thrones over three days, one episode after another. Loved it, every minute. Just wonderful.

HBO can afford to dump a lot of money into its productions, so production expenses are never really a problem. It doesn’t always make them good, though. True Blood, as mentioned, was awful this season. Pretty? Sure, whatever, it was pretty, that’s not the point. You can put glitter on a turd and it’s still a turd, albeit a shiny sparkly one. Game of Thrones was compelling and awe-inspiring and sweeping and majestical and made me cry more than once and the characters were well-cast and it was what I wanted from the book I’d loved so much.

And there was Peter Dinklage, of course.

OK, I love Peter Dinklage. And I realize, above, I should have put a picture that best encapsulated the entire show and such. But you know what? No. It’s my blog and it gets a BIG HONKIN' PICTURE OF TYRION LOOKING HAUGHTY AND HANDSOME AND REGAL.

Tyrion Lannister is one of the best characters in fantasy fiction I’ve ever read. He’s the kind of character I like – many shades of gray; layered; intelligent; inscrutable. Peter Dinklage acts the HELL out of this role. Nothing against the other characters and actors portraying them – they’re good, very good, in some cases – but, much like with The Good Wife and Archie Panjabi, this is Dinklage’s show. He lights up every scene. There isn’t a person who watched this series who didn’t leave it rooting for Tyrion. A GIF of Tyrion slapping Joffrey started making the internet rounds. Dinklage was nominated for an Emmy. It’s a great role, but in the hands of a lesser man, would have come off cartoonish. Dinklage sells it, and you fall in love with him. I can’t wait until Season Two. I’d better get started on the book.

Sherlock (Spring 2012, PBS/BBC)

Premise: an updated version of the Sherlock Holmes tales, set in our digital age.

Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch (earlier I swooned; permit me, please, a double-swoon) and Martin Freeman, plus some recurring actors

This almost seems like cheating. I can hear you now. “Amy!” you’re saying. “This doesn’t COUNT! It’s not even a whole SEASON! It’s three EPISODES! It’s a MINISERIES!”

You wouldn’t be saying that if you watched Season One.

This show is a masterpiece. (This is not meant to be a play on the fact that in the U.S. it plays on Masterpiece Theater on PBS.) I never disliked the original Sherlock tales, but I’m not a big fan. I caught the first one of these, and was just blown away. The seamless integration of modern-day technology into Holmes’s crime-fighting skills. His possible Asperger’s. His relationship with Watson and the homophobic overtones. It’s ALL THERE. The show is flashy without being cheap; it’s compelling without grabbing you by the throat. It doesn’t have to. It gets your attention with quality.

The writing is wonderful, but being based on famous works of literature doesn’t hurt. The acting is something to see. Both Freeman and Cumberbatch (and can we revel in the lovely poetry of a name like Benedict Cumberbatch for a moment, please? The pleasing syllables?) give performances that hit all of the right notes. They’re both drowning and need each other’s friendship to survive. It’s beautiful and refreshing.

I also have others that just…didn’t…quite make my top five. I’m very behind on last season and still scrambling to catch up. So I’m also excited, but not quite as, about Castle, Criminal Minds, The Vampire Diaries (shut up IT HAS DAMON SALVATORE so shut up), Fringe, Supernatural, and Chuck.

This is Damon Salvatore so stop with
your mockery because ZOMG LOOK
AT THOSE EYES HOT DAMN.

Now, it really goes without saying that you should Netflix or rent or whatever it is you do to get such things all of these series and catch up before the new seasons start, please, so I can talk about them with you. It’s a gift you’ll be giving yourself, really. I wouldn’t recommend crap because I don’t watch much crap. Life’s too short. Go go go! What are you waiting for? There’s television to be watched!

Next time: the new shows I’m most excited about. Any guesses? Hint: if you’ve been paying attention over the past few months you can guess #1 easily.