My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part fall television series! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU. 

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right? 

Also, you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that. 

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows 

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives. 

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know 

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t – IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember? 

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign. 

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC) 

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.) 

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. 

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one. 

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that? 

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX) 

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life 

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS. 

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.) 

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Green screen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too. 

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX) 

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California. 

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos 

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic? 

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can't look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.

I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue. 

Ringer (9/13/11, CW) 

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister. 

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever. 

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that. 

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really. 

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!) 

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don't love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this. 

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.

Fall Television: What Not to Watch. I Managed Not to Vomit While Typing this Post. You're Proud, Right?

I'm home sick today. Do most people enjoy their days home sick, I mean, despite the sick part, of course? I just lay around feeling guilty and worried that there are a million things to do at work and I left all of that work for my co-workers and that's just about the rudest thing ever. But then I realize I probably would pass out on the drive over because I just drove to Rite Aid for sick-person supplies and also chocolate because listen, I'm not spending an entire DAY in this place without any CHOCOLATE, are you INSANE? and on the drive over I got woozy and thought, huh, that would be an interesting way to go, less than a mile from your own home, because someone at some point really should have come up with a delivery service that brings sick-person supplies to sick people so they are not forced to go out when they feel like death. Fine, yes, I know most sick people have someone they can call in situations like this, like their husband, or a close friend, and say, hey, husband or close friend, please run over to the drugstore and get me some ibuprofen and a bag of those Halloween mini Reese's Pumpkins because they are the best things ever ever ever. But I not only don't have that, I would not ever ask someone to do that. I think that's overstepping. Everyone I know is at work! What, they're going to drop everything and run errands for me? Who do I think I am, the Queen of England? I don't have handmaidens! On a related note, how does one get handmaidens, exactly? You can send me an email if you don't want it to be public knowledge. I can be discreet about handmaiden-obtaining.

Um. Yeah. I'm kind of rambling. I AM VERY SICK AND ALSO IN PAIN DEAL WITH IT. Earlier I couldn't get out of bed for a really long time and I just lay there and lay there (maybe I laid there, now I have to look that up because it's one of those grammar rules that gets me every time, like the word "grateful" which every time I type I think it should be "greatful" because listen, someone did something GREAT for you! So shouldn't you be GREAT-ful? But you are not, you are grateful, which grates on my nerves. See what I did there? I AM AWESOME WITH WORDS.) OK, Google says earlier when I was in bed I was laying in it. So my first impulse was the correct one. Winner winner ding ding ding. Anyway, I have no idea where this was going. Oh. So I was in the bed, laying or lying or just generally hating life, and that's pretty much it, I guess. I have no idea what the point of that was. That I'm dying, maybe. Probably pretty much dying.

FINE! That is not what I came to talk about today. TODAY I wanted to talk about a very, very important topic: fall television.

OK, fall television is what I live for. It is my Olympics. I make lists, people. LISTS. I pro and con what is coming out; I make viewing plans; I am very, very organized about fall television. I know what I'm going to watch months before it's even happening.

This time around, though, let's discuss things that I will NOT be watching. Shows that seem, to me, to be a gigantic misstep. I'm only singling out the ones that I really, really, will HARDCORE not be watching. There are quite a few I won't be watching, but these I really will VOCALLY not be watching.

Last Man Standing

Description: A comedy about a man who lives in a world dominated by women.

Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis, and some other people I don't know or care about

No, thanks! OK, first? I can't STAND Tim Allen. I see Tim Allen, I am immediately sucked back to when I was young and my household's favorite program was Home Improvement and I HATED Home Improvement but we always had to watch it and everyone would laugh because ha ha! So super-funny! But it WAS NOT FUNNY. It was STUPID. This looks stupid, too, even though I will always kind of love Nancy Travis a little for her role in So I Married an Axe Murderer. She's made some missteps since then, though. And I find Tim Allen very annoying and grating. The only place I like Tim Allen is as a voice in the Toy Story franchise.

I think it bears noting that I hate most sitcoms, especially ones with laugh tracks. I know I should try to get into both How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory but I just can't. Traditional multi-camera sitcoms and I just don't play well together.

Man Up!

Description: Do you really need one? Even this title makes me want to punch something. FINE. Three men who act childishly decide it's time to start acting like adults.

Starring: a bunch of people I've never seen before and Teri Polo from Meet the Fockers.

Ugh, Really? There are all these things all over the place that are saying this is "the next big thing." You know what's the next big thing? NOT WATCHING GARBAGE. This will probably end up being popular and you can all tell me to suck it but I'm not watching ANYTHING called Man Up! because I think that title sucks, this premise is hackneyed and overdone, what's with the exclamation point!, and honestly I'd rather be sneezed on repeatedly by a llama than sit through this nonsense. Man Up!? Really? OK, you're all aware that's offensive and people try not to say that anymore because feminists and, well, WOMEN find it offensive because it implies that whatever the behavior that the person is doing that is undesirable is feminine, weak, and therefore bad, right? Please research things with real test markets before putting them on television. Thank you.

Whitney

Description: An opinionated woman uses unconventional methods to keep the spark alive in her relationship with her long-suffering boyfriend. (I added the "suffering" part. If you've seen the trailers for this you know why.)

Starring: some comedian that people seem to know that I've never heard of before named Whitney Cummings, random people, and Jane Kaczmarek (poor Jane Kaczmarek)

This is in the death slot. There's always one show that's combined with the powerhouse group of The Office, Community, 30 Rock, and Parks and Recreation, and this year Whitney got the dubious honor. Two years ago it was that shitstorm of a show Kath and Kim, and last year it was the obnoxious and offensive Outsourced. NBC! Is there a method to your madness? Why put an awful show in with your good ones? Is it so I have a chance to go to the bathroom and do the dishes? No? Because that's what I do when the show airs. And that's what I'll do when this airs, too. The commercials make it look like it's possibly a joke the network is playing on us. There are a million commercials, too. And a million print ads! Why is there so much money being spent on this? I am very, very confused about this situation.

The X Factor

Description: HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER AN EFFING ROCK? It's American Idol for solo artists or groups with no age limit. It's where Simon Cowell went when he left American Idol in a huffy odd way.

Starring: wannabe Kelly Clarksons, Simon Cowell, and Paula Abdul. A Pussycat Doll. Some other judges that if I cared about pop music more, I'd probably recognize their names.

OK, here's a confession, and I'm pretty much the only person in America that feels this way, and so probably this makes me a terrorist, but I don't care about singing shows. I don't watch American Idol. I don't watch The Voice. And I won't watch this. I DON'T CARE. The winner of these shows is the person who DOESN'T win because once they do win, they have to sing whatever overdone crap the record company makes them sing and it is awful and embarrassing. I don't enjoy it; I can't judge who's good because I'm basically tone-deaf and I can pick who I like best but it's usually the person who gets sent home that week; and there are SO SO MANY OF THEM ZOMG. Why so many of these? Now there are three? Really? That seems like overkill! And it's such a time commitment to watch these things! Auditions, shows, results shows, they're on like three nights a week! No, thank you, Simon, you and your tight black tees will get a pass from me, thanks. Don't worry, I'm not watching any of the others, either. Just don't care.

There are shows I am excited about coming up, both new and returning; but those are for another post, as my ibuprofen has worn off and I am in a lot of pain and it's ALL FOR YOU, readers, I hope you are super-happy. I'm going to zone out on the couch now and make that noise that Harry made in When Harry Met Sally when he was lonely and didn't want Meg Ryan to hang up. Blergh.

"Don't Fear the Reaper?" Oh, ok, then, NOW I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I’m pretty sure the apocalypse is upon us. No, not the zombie apocalypse. Although don’t rule those suckers out. Just when you think they’re not coming, that’s when they’re waiting outside your house to eat your brains. No, just the regular, everyday apocalypse, because there are SIGNS, people. APOCALYPTAL SIGNS. 

I just looked up what signs of the apocalypse are, because I didn’t pay attention to that part in church. No, actually, it’s not that I didn’t pay attention, it’s that we never really talked about that. Back in the day, churches were more about fire and brimstone. Now they’re more about Bingo night and not letting gays marry because talk about a sign of end times, whoo! THAT’S something we’ve got to look out for – PEOPLE IN LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER. 

So, for those of you that need a primer, Google and Wikipedia handily tell me that there are Seven Seals (no, not the cute animals that we’re always worried will get clubbed, and not Heidi Klum’s husband, either) and each of these seals, in end times, are opened, and bring a different judgment upon the world. Here are the judgments: 

First Seal - White horse (conquest)

Second Seal - Red Horse (war)

Third Seal  - Black Horse (famine)

Fourth Seal  - Green or Pale Horse (death)

Fifth Seal  - Vision of martyrs

Sixth Seal  - Cosmic disturbances: sun turns black, moon turns blood red; sealing of the 144,000

Seventh Seal  - Prelude To The 7 Trumpets of 7 Angels & The Final Judgment 

Well. THIS is distressing. There are horses, apparently? That’s enough to scare anyone to death, right there, with this gaily-colored carnival horses prancing around. Also, since when, Wikipedia, is Death’s horse “green”? I’ve only ever heard “pale.” Hmm. Also, “vision of martyrs,” in case you were wondering, means we’ll see martyrs weeping and wailing and wandering around, then there’s all this insane meteorological nonsense that’s going to have the weathermen, who can’t even tell me when it’s raining (no, seriously, the other day it was storming like a mother and the weatherman came on and said “it’s clear and sunny today” and I screamed at the television “DON’T YOU HAVE  WINDOW TO LOOK OUT OF???”) all up in arms (“Today, it’s…um…very dark? There’s no sun. So…it might be night? I don’t know. I don’t have a window. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE MOON I’M SORRY FOR THAT TIME I SHOPLIFTED.”) Apparently the 144,000 is the people who will be raptured. I don’t like my odds, there. There are a LOT of people in the world. Math skills tell me, using current population statistics, I have a .002% chance of being raptured. Damn. Guess I’m in for the long haul. And then there are all kinds of sevens, and angels, and brass bands, and what have you. 

OK, so that’s what the BIBLE tells you. Fine. Here’s what I know: there has been some weird shit going down RIGHT HERE WHERE I LIVE so I’m pretty sure we’re in end times. Just wanted to give you all a heads-up because I love you so. 

The Seven Bearcats of the Apocalypse (listen, if the Bible gets seals, I want bearcats, they smell like popcorn. POPCORN! An animal that has a pheromone that is like popcorn. I LOVE THIS. And that way we’d also totally know the apocalypse is upon us by the delicious scent of movie theaters past!) 

First Bearcat: The Great Earthquake of 2011 

Listen, I TOTALLY ALMOST DIED. Well, except for the fact I didn’t know it was happening. I was in my car, where I go to eat lunch a lot because I don’t want to eat in the lunchroom because then I’d have to socially interact with my coworkers, and who wants that? and I was parked in a drugstore parking lot next to a construction site. And my car started shaking, and I thought, “MAN that construction site is RUDE. I’m totally trying to eat my turkey sandwich here in peace and IT’S SHAKING MY WHOLE CAR.” And this went on for about thirty seconds and then stopped and I kept shooting dirty looks at the backhoe across the street and thinking if I worked at this drugstore and I had to keep putting things back on the shelf because of the backhoe for minimum wage I’d go over there on their lunchbreak and put Nair in their hardhats or something. Then I went on Twitter twenty minutes later and I start seeing “OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT” and “DID WE JUST HAVE AN EARTHQUAKE” and realized I JUST HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE. This made me want to get my ducks in a row, and call all my loved ones, and make up a will, and start living, you know? Because who knows how long you have, man? Life! It is precious! But then I just ate my yogurt and played Yahtzee on my phone for a little while and that feeling passed.

Second Bearcat: Garbage Cake

We had a wedding shower here at the office last week, because why work when you can have a party? And we bought a big cake from the grocery store. And we only ate half of it. So that cake sat on the breakroom table for five days, getting super-hard, and people were still eating it, which both fascinated and disgusted me, and then one day, I went in and the cake was in the garbage. SOMEONE THREW AWAY HALF A SHEET CAKE WITH BUTTERCREAM FROSTING. Uneaten cake. Do you need further proof that rivers of blood are no doubt next?  

Third Bearcat: My Cats Have Been Acting Weird 

OK, if you know my cats, you know this isn’t out of the ordinary, but I’m pretty sure they know something’s up? Because last night, they were INSANE. Like, jumping and leaping and making noises that, spelled out phonetically, would be something like “Gracckkkacckkkgruffumack!” and coming to the bathroom door and meowing politely like a kitty butler might if he were wondering if I wanted a martini while bathing, and then when I opened the door to see what was up, looking at me with CRAZY EYES and running away? So I’m pretty sure they’re seeing those ghostly martyrs we talked about above. Or they’re just nuts. I really could go either way on this one. 

Fourth Bearcat: Someone on Facebook Said There’s A Hurricane Happening Here Right Now

Except when I went outside it was just kind of windy? And the weatherman said we’re supposed to get the hurricane effects on Sunday? But listen, NO ONE ON FACEBOOK IS EVER WRONG OR EXAGGERATEY. Hurricane three days before it was supposed to be here? TOTAL SIGN OF JUDGMENT DAY.

Fifth Bearcat: The Crow Remake 

Cara knows about this, too, so listen, I’m not alone in this. They’re remaking The Crow. WITH MARKY MARK WAHLBERG. “You killed my girlfriend? Oh, well. Say hello to your mother for me!” END TIMES. 

Sixth Bearcat: The television show Hoarders 

I’m pretty sure that this is what the Bible was talking about when it mentioned “cosmic disturbances.” So gross I just want to die and also scrub myself until I have no skin and then die again. 

Seventh Bearcat: KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE 

JUDGMENT DAY, BOZOS. You know who’s going down? People who park so close to your driver’s side door in the parking lot that you have to get in your passenger side and slide over in order to drive out; people who won’t get out of the fast lane on the highway and putt along going 50 no matter what the state of the rest of the highway is; the guy who has the dog I see all the time who’s trained to bark at everyone who walks past and it’s a very busy street so the poor thing barks itself hoarse every single day and, from what I can tell, it’s guarding a burned-out husk of a muscle car and a rusted swingset; people who think pleather is a good idea; people who send you a message on Twitter that says “CAN I GET A #FOLLOWBACK LOL”, and those people in the mall who follow you around trying to put that sea salt scrub on your hands.

It’s not too late, though. You’ve already taken the first step! You’ve admitted that the apocalypse is nigh. I’m sorry to have ruined your day. If it’s any consolation, I’m sure SOMEONE you know will be raptured! Won’t that be nice for them? 

What is that? Popcorn? I think I smell popcorn.

Cry Me a River (about fictional characters only, please)

I don’t cry a lot in real life. I don’t know why this is. I get angry a lot. I swear and stomp around and yes, I’ve been known to throw things (not when people are around, I live alone so the throwing is a private affair, no one but myself and the object being hurled are injured in the throwing, and I make sure the cats aren’t in the area, so don’t worry, nervous Nellies) but crying is a few-and-far-between occurrence. If it gets to the point I’m about to cry, say, at work, or when I’m out and about, I try to go somewhere private to do it. I don’t like people seeing me cry. I’m embarrassed by it. Which is strange, because I’m not in the least bit embarrassed by my other very large and loud emotions. Crying seems very raw and personal, somehow, more so than laughing or being furious, and I don’t feel the need to share it with others. Also, it makes people act like you’re about to break and use the “I’m scared of you” voice which I hate. And I hate sympathy. Even when I know the person means it, I hate it. I like being strong and in charge of myself and when I’m crying, it’s like I’ve lost control.

All bets are off, however, when it comes to movies.

I am a wreck in the movie theater. I mean, I’m not wailing and screaming “Why God why” at the screen or anything, and other than the sniffling, I’m pretty quiet about it. But movies make me weep. TV shows, sometimes, too, to some extent, depending on how emotionally invested I am in the characters, how good the writing is, and how heart-wrenching the plotline, and those goddamned Hallmark commercials always get me (they know how tear-jerking they are, too, they’re totally mean about it and sneaky) as well as Folgers commercials where people come home and make coffee all unexpected-like for their relatives. And let’s not even talk about the incident freshman year of college where that commercial with the Hershey Kisses ringing like bells set me off into a bout of weeping. I chalk that one up to homesickness. Or possibly an out-of-control craving for chocolate, I don’t know.

I was thinking about this after watching One Day this weekend. Don’t worry, no spoilers, unless you count “it made me cry pretty much from the opening credits until the lights came up” as a spoiler. It wasn’t a perfect movie – the book was better – but it was very good. And as I’d read the book, I knew what was coming, which made me cry even harder.

I LOVE a good cry in a movie theater. It’s dark. No one can see you clearly. It’s very cathartic. I don’t recommend you do it on your first date with someone, though. Because you look like a crazy person unless they know you a little better. Not that I’d know that from first-hand experience or anything. Ha! Not me.

Although I’ve teared up in a lot of movies, from comedies to cartoons, the ones that stand out the most for me, for various reasons, are (and yes, plenty of spoilers ahead, but most of these are old-ish movies, so if you haven’t seen them yet, you should have by now; but if you want to stay spoiler-free, bye, see you tomorrow, I hope!):

Moulin Rouge

A huge group of my theater friends and I went to see this not long after it came out. Many of them had gone to see it the night before and wanted to see it again. They knew better than to spoil us for what was coming up (theater people are very good at not spoiling the end of things, among the other bazillion things they are good at.) I was (and remain) completely transfixed with this movie. The music. Nicole Kidman at the height of her beauty – still a redhead, still curvy (before she started to look brittle and translucent – she’s almost frightening-looking now, I think, like she’d break like a twig given the right pressure, and it’s sad because she was so luminous before!), Ewan McGregor so handsome, the sets – just a perfect, perfect movie. Then the ending. Ewan’s sob when he realizes Nicole has died in his arms is heartwrenching. I cried so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye and my chest hurt the entire following day. I will always love Baz Luhrmann – for Moulin Rouge, but also for the insane, speed-addled beauty of Romeo & Juliet and the quirky fun of Simply Ballroom. The man knows how to put on a show.

Field of Dreams

Apparently, this is a guy’s movie. Well, tell that to my tear ducts. It’s one of my top five movies of all time, actually. I know, I know, Kevin Costner kind of got embarrassing for a while there and then dropped off the radar, and it’s not a flawless movie – there’s a lot of foolishness here and there – but it’s pretty damn close. It’s one of those things I can’t not watch when I’m flipping channels. You know what makes me cry in this movie? Yes, of course, the ending, because if you don’t at least mist up a little over, “Hey Dad? Do you want to have a catch?” and “Why don’t you introduce him to his granddaughter,” there might be something essential missing from you – but also the magic, and Costner’s wide-eyed acceptance of it, and the added magic of the people around him coming to accept it as well. The look on James Earl Jones’s face when the Volkswagen bus’s headlights hit him and he says “Go the distance,” and Costner realizes that he heard the voice too. Frank Whaley’s face when he realizes saving the little girl means he can’t go back again, but that it’s the right thing to do. “People will come, Ray.” If I’m watching this movie, I’m watching it with a box of tissues and I’m one happy woman. This movie also is the reason I admire baseball. I don’t watch it; I don’t go out of my way to catch games, or anything. But this movie makes me understand people that do love baseball, and it makes baseball seem noble and fine.

Tombstone

I know, right about now, you’ve got on your what the hell face. I can’t really explain this. I have no idea why this movie gets to me. But it does. Every single time. This is the number one “if it’s on, I can’t stop watching” movie in the world for me. Is it my favorite movie of all time? No. But I can’t look away. I love westerns, and western culture, I guess, ever since I was young (I don’t know where that came from, exactly, but I remember reading – for fun! – histories of Billy the Kid and Doc Holliday when I was in junior high) and this movie hits all of the right chords with me. Family drama – check. Romance – check. (Although the romance is a little lame. I really enjoy Dana Delaney but she kind of annoys me in this movie. Except when she’s being an actress. I like her tough actress persona. It’s her personal life persona that bugs.) But here’s what gets me every time – Val Kilmer’s performance. I know that now, Val Kilmer’s kind of embarrassing and pudgy and pale and I read an interview a while ago where he was rambling on about being the mayor of New Mexico or something, I don’t know. But watch this movie and you will (I hope) understand why I will always love Val Kilmer, in the way I could never, even when he got old and weird, dislike Marlon Brando. Val Kilmer just lights up the screen in this movie. He hits every single note. And his performance brings me to tears every single time. The one exchange that turns me into a sobbing mess? The very solitary, legendarily prickly Doc Holliday discussing with another man why he’s going to stand up for Wyatt Earp in a fight: “Wyatt Earp is my friend.” “Hell, I got a lot of friends.” “I don’t.” Also, Val Kilmer’s last scene? I had no idea what was happening until it was explained to me that he was laughing at the irony of the mighty Doc Holliday dying without his boots on, so now that scene makes me cry, too. I’ve tried to explain my irrational love for this movie to people before and they look at me like I’m insane, and that’s fine. More young Val Kilmer for me. And if you hear me quote “I’m your huckleberry” or “You’re a daisy if you do,” well, you know why, now, don’t you.

House of Sand and Fog

I didn’t know much about this film going into it, other than the trailers made it look excellent. (I’ve since read the book and the film is equally as good, which doesn’t happen often.) However, we all know that trailers lie, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I did not expect to cry until I almost vomited. Seriously. This movie wrecked me. If you haven’t seen this, and you like to cry in movies as much as I do, you owe it to yourself to immediately stop reading this and rent it. Shoreh Aghdashloo was heartbreaking and I’ll watch her in anything she stars in, ever again, just based on this one movie alone. But Ben Kingsley was the one that did it. The scene where he’s chasing after the ambulance, screaming “I want only my son.” The scene where he’s praying in the hospital that he’ll do anything if God saves his son, he’ll give back the house, he’ll give away all that he owns, just please, only his son. I can bring myself to tears just repeating that to myself – “I want only my son. Please, I want only for my son.” And the scene where he tenderly kills his mourning wife, then himself, with the dignity of the soldier that he was – and his life flashing before his eyes as he struggles against his own instinct to keep the plastic bag over his head – ugh. Ben Kingsley won me over that year. I cried so hard I couldn’t see the screen. Just a brilliant, brilliant movie. I haven’t seen it since. I don’t want to. I’m afraid it won’t be as affecting and I want it to live up to the model of it I have in my head.

Atonement

I couldn’t make it through this book. I own it and I keep telling myself, especially having seen the movie, that I’m going to try again, dammit, but I read the first chapter and the writing was just so dense that I couldn’t struggle through it. So I went into it knowing nothing more than the book was almost incomprehensible. This movie was just brilliant. The score, with the typing in the background. The lush colors. The romance. And then that ending. Oh, my, that ending. When you realize that Vanessa Redgrave is the little girl, and that she wrote a book to give her sister and the man both she and her sister loved the happy ending they deserved. I didn’t see that coming, and for once, I’m actually glad I didn’t read the book first, because you see Vanessa Redgrave, and her haircut, and that level gaze, and you realize who she is, and she starts talking, and you realize the typing in the soundtrack is because much of the movie is a fiction created as an atonement, and I cried. I UGLY cried. It was winter, and I cried into the hood of my jacket to muffle the noise. My jacket was wet when I left. It was like Alice, crying herself an actual river in Alice in Wonderland.

Brokeback Mountain

I actually went back to the theater to see this three times, I loved it so much. I’d read the novella it was based on and that was very affecting, and went in with high hopes, which were exceeded. I’m pretty sure everyone who watched this was equally affected. This is just a beautiful movie, through and through. The audiences clapped at the end of it – that doesn’t happen much in the movie theater anymore. Although my heart will always belong to Jake Gyllenhaal, the movie belonged to Heath Ledger. Ennis’s quiet suffering through the movie, his desperation, his pain – Heath Ledger deserved an award for this performance. It was so subtle and so nuanced that I think people may have missed some of it. That’s all I can fathom. It was a joy to watch. A bittersweet one, of course, but a joy nonetheless. And I cried from the first time they parted pretty much through the end of the movie, because it was just so real and so raw and there was just so much longing in it, and so much beauty and so much pain. It physically pains me to watch it now that Heath Ledger has died, seeing all of that wasted potential on screen.

Harry Potter, movies 3-7

I didn’t cry at first, but once movie three hit? I bawled all the way through. It was actually kind of embarrassing because there were a lot of kids in the theater who I’m pretty sure thought I was unhinged. I wasn’t crying because it was sad (well, there were sad parts, I suppose, and I did cry over those – the death of some characters, for example) but, especially as the series came to a close, because it was the end of an era, for both me and for the characters. I felt like I’d grown up with them and I’d never see them again, and that was enough to set me off. Add to that the entire Snape backstory in the final movie, which made me cry so hard the children in front of me stopped watching the movie and turned around to watch me, who apparently was more interesting to them than the action on the screen, and you have a series full of waterworks.

The World According to Garp

The book is a million times better. But the movie is quite good. I hadn’t read the book yet when I watched the movie as a college freshman, and it was actually the first time I can remember openly weeping in a movie and not being ashamed of it (as my friends were doing the same thing.) I dare you to watch the scene where Garp’s young son dies in a car crash without a tear in your eye. Or his mother dies. Or he himself is shot by a vengeful woman from his past, and as he dies, he realized he’s getting to do something he always wanted to do, and he tells his weeping wife, “Helen! I’m flying!” as his eyes close one last time. I don’t like much of Robin Williams now, but in dramas (I feel this way about a lot of comedians who have highly physical comedy, actually) he’s wonderful. This was the role of a lifetime for him. The book is better. Read the book. But watch the movie afterward. It’s worth it, I promise.

Armageddon

Shut up. Just shut up. That’s her FATHER up there. HER FATHER. That is sad. And I cry EVERY GODDAMN TIME. His last thoughts are of his daughter on a swing. That’s all he wants to think about as he dies. I have a father. Therefore, I cry and cry at that part. STOP JUDGING ME.

Comment if you have a movie that made you weep uncontrollably that you think I should see – I’m always up for a good cry!

Show Me a Great Actress, and You've Seen the Devil

Over the years, I estimate that I’ve participated in (in some way, shape, or form) approximately 43 billion theater auditions. What? You “doubt” that figure could be “accurate”? Well, I doubt your face is accurate. Ha! I guess I schooled you. 

Yes, yes, I’m exaggerating. But I’ve been to more than my fair share of auditions. First, when I used to act, as an auditioner; now that I’m working for a theater, as one of the scary people who sit in the audience and pass judgment on the people auditioning. And, as such, I have a few helpful tips for anyone planning to audition for a community theater production. 

Now, please note, these tips may or may not hold true for auditioning for film, as I know nothing about that, other than it seems people wait in really long lines when general casting calls come to town and I have to wonder if it’s worth it because I am the MOST IMPATIENT PERSON ALIVE. I can’t even wait five minutes in a grocery store line without starting to grumble under my breath. Some of those people wait OVERNIGHT. I don’t get that. I guess it’s exciting that you might see yourself on the big screen? And you can put it on a resume? And I suppose it has to have happened at least once or twice that a director sees some sort of spark in an extra and turns him or her into the next big thing (but probably that’s not going to happen to you, so I wouldn’t hitch my wagon to that particular star)? 

So here are some tips if you ever plan on auditioning at your local community theater. Helpful! I’m telling you. You come here for the funny, you leave A BETTER PERSON FOR IT. 

Be prepared.  First, read the audition notice. Not just when to show up and the address of the auditions, but the character descriptions and the ages. Are all of the women in the play under the age of 25 and you’re 50 (and you look 50)? You’re probably not going to get cast. It’s really best not to waste anyone’s time – ours or yours. We’re going to think you’re delusional and you’re taking time away from people who actually have a shot at the parts. Second, it doesn’t hurt at all to read the play you’re auditioning for. It’s not a prerequisite, no. I’m not saying don’t show up unless you’ve read it. But this is kind of a test, and wouldn’t you want to have done your homework before showing up with your number two pencils and scrap paper? Also, you might read the play and find out it sucks. I mean, the theater isn’t going to think it sucks, obviously. The theater chose the play for a reason. (In case you’re wondering, theaters don’t arbitrarily choose the plays they do every season, like, throw names in a hat or something. I’ve been on the play selection committee at my theater for years. It’s a lot of work. We read 30-40 submissions and we discuss the hell out of them and do lists of pros and cons and choose directors with care and put them in the order that works best. It’s not something we take lightly.) So anyway. Read the play. Maybe you fit the age range of the actors we’re looking for, but you have a deep issue taking your clothes off onstage and there are three nude scenes. You know not to audition. See? Aren’t you glad you did your homework? Gold star. 

Put your best face forward. Again, we’re not going to NOT cast you if you show up looking like you just rolled out of bed. We’ve cast people like that before, depending on our needs and who gave the strongest audition. But it doesn’t hurt at all to dress neatly and professionally. Am I telling you to wear a ball gown and opera gloves? No, looney tunes, I’m not. (Although, you’re a theater person, no one would even look at you twice if you did.) But even nice jeans and a dressy shirt will do. Also, be prepared to move. Women that show up in too-short skirts kill me, because listen, I’ve gotten too many beaver shots over the years from women who wore inappropriate skirts to auditions and then had to be active in their audition and oh! Hello! I see you wore a thong yikesaroonie! See, I sit in the front of the theater, because I’m usually the one calling out your name and telling you all when to come up and what scene you’ll be reading from. So if there’s crotch to be seen, I’m seeing it. And I can’t UN-see it, you know? Also, you’re not fooling anyone, short-skirt-and-cleavage-top. The days of the casting couch are over. Most of our directors are female, and the male ones, sorry to say, are mostly gay males. (It’s the theater. I don’t know if I’m blowing anyone’s mind, but there are a lot of gay men in theater. I know! Hide yo wife hide yo kids, right?) If you think your sexy-mama getup is going to get you a part, no, it’s not, and also, secret mental points against you for thinking you’d be getting a part with your jiggly bits and not your acting skills. 

Don’t be a douchebag. Don’t come in like you’re too cool to be at the audition. Maybe that works in New York City, I don’t know, because I DON’T LIVE THERE AND OBVIOUSLY NEITHER DO YOU. We’re a decent-sized city, but we’ve got a small-town vibe going for us, especially in the theater scene. Come in nicely, with a smile, be friendly, and do what you’re asked to do without argument. Now, I know, you might be nervous, and this might make you quieter than normal. That’s expected, and that’s fine. But entering in full-on bitch-on-wheels mode? Black mark on your permanent record. Actual examples of this: someone who refused to fill out audition paperwork because “I don’t have time for that,” (and then proceeded to talk on their cell phone for the next half-hour loudly while people were looking over the audition material); someone who went into the theater when we asked the actors not to do so because we were having a meeting in there about the order of auditioners and then refused to leave because the lobby was too crowded and it really wasn’t all that crowded; a person who looked over the audition material and then said “the scene I want to read isn’t here, do you have a script, I’m going to be reading a scene of my own choosing” (this is not an option, but nice that you’ve decided on your own that it is!); and the person who decided at the last minute they weren’t going to audition, but talked loudly to everyone around her all through everyone else’s auditions and distracted everyone. Also? If you’re new to the theater, you don’t know who anyone is, and what their relationship is to everyone else. So BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR TRASH-TALKING. We’re theater people. We gossip, we trash-talk, we bitch. Yes. Yes, that’s what we do. I know that. But if you’re new to a place, you have to watch who you’re doing it TO. I’ll never forget the woman who gave a brilliant audition, and then came back to her seat and started to run down the theater, the area, the other actors, the audition process, and the plays we were doing that season with the person sitting beside her. She did it quietly; she wasn’t distracting. Thing is, the person sitting beside her WAS THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF THE SHOW AND A BOARD MEMBER. Needless to say, she wasn’t cast. 

Be honest. We ask the information we need on the audition sheet. If you leave something off – the age range you can play, dates you have a conflict and won’t be able to rehearse, a character you’re unwilling to play, that you’re unwilling to swear, kiss, or be nude onstage – this hinders us in our ability to cast you. See, here’s a backstage peek into the audition process, at least where I work. I assume it’s basically the same in other places. We watch everyone audition. Everyone who showed up and is interested in auditioning gets a chance. Auditions are open; no roles are precast. Then, once we’ve seen everything we want to see, we send everyone home, spread out the audition sheets and our notes, and talk about the roles and who is in contention for them. If you didn’t write that you’re unwilling to play Felicia, and you gave a kick-ass audition for Felicia, you might get cast in that role. Actual conversation I had once with someone we’d cast: “Hi, this is Amy, calling to let you know you’ve been cast as blah-blah role in blah-blah play! Congratulations!” (After a loooong pause) “Oh. I’m not at all interested in that part. I don’t accept. Thank you for calling me, though.” Hmm, let’s think how this could have been avoided. If you’d READ THE PLAY, you’d have known you weren’t interested in the part. Then you could have WRITTEN IT ON YOUR AUDITION SHEET. But even if you didn’t read the play, you sat through two nights of auditions, so you knew you didn’t want that part. Why didn’t you come up to one of us and TELL us, “I’d like to amend something on my audition sheet” and write “not willing to accept the part of Judy” or whatever on it? So THAT was a waste of time. On a happier note, the second person we called for the part – someone we’d decided on for another part and decided to switch to that part – gladly took the role and ROCKED it. She was the star of every review. And every time I read a review raving about her in that role, I hoped like hell the woman I’d called originally was reading it and weeping into her cornflakes. Because I am PETTY and MEAN. 

Don’t be delusional. This one’s tough. I mean, I have to appreciate anyone that shows up. Auditioning is hard, I know. I used to do it. I’m debating doing it again later this season, actually. (Cue nervous nailbiting…NOW.) But you know those people on American Idol that show up and audition and you turn to the person you’re watching it with (or your cat, I don’t know, I don’t judge and NEITHER SHOULD YOU) and say, “She can’t think she’s good. She doesn’t, right? The producers put her there so they’d have someone for the clip show, right? No one’s that delusional, right?” Well, I can’t speak for American Idol? But in real life? THOSE PEOPLE SHOW UP. I’m sorry, people. I really am. The only consolation I have is that you probably don’t know who you are, if you’re reading this – you probably wouldn’t even identify yourself with the “delusional” moniker. I would give examples but I really don’t want anyone reading this accidentally to identify themselves. I don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings. I really don’t. I just find it very hard to believe you can’t see your limitations. Listen, I wouldn’t, for example, show up to audition for a chorus. BECAUSE I CAN’T CARRY A TUNE. Likewise, I would not show up to run a marathon, BECAUSE I AM FRIGHTFULLY OUT OF SHAPE. Is there something I’m not aware of that stops people from realizing they can’t act? I’ve been doing this – seriously, not even exaggerating this time – for almost 24 years, and this still surprises and kind of upsets me. It sometimes takes everything I have not to yell “Really? You aren’t pulling our legs? Where’s the hidden camera?” after one of the really heinous auditions. THEY’RE THAT BAD. Again, no hate mail, I appreciate you coming out, and it takes bravery to audition, it does. But how can you not know? And also, there are classes you can take to get better, maybe take one? I don’t know. 

Don’t take it personally. We get a lot of people auditioning for a few parts. Just playing the odds, you don’t have the best chance of getting a part. If you do – congratulations. It’s the best theater in the area, in my humble opinion; you’re going to love the people; I’m so, so excited to get to know you and to get to work with you. But if you weren’t cast, it isn’t anything personal. (Well, unless you trash-talked to the wrong person in auditions. Then maybe it is.) Casting is a tough thing. We take the following into consideration: your look, your audition, your availability for rehearsals, your onstage compatibility with the other people we’re considering casting, your reputation among other theater people in the area, your resume, how well you took direction (if we gave any), our gut feelings about you, and about 53 other tangible and intangible things that go into casting a show. Again, like choosing a season, we don’t cast a show arbitrarily. We have to work with you for a few months. We also are dependent on the money we make on the shows to stay afloat; if the show bombs, we don’t make a lot of money, and we need that money because, let’s face it, theater’s not that lucrative. So if you don’t turn in a top-notch performance, it’s not the best thing for us. Let me reiterate – IT IS NOT PERSONAL. Don’t go around telling people my theater “hates” you. We don’t, but we’re going to start if you keep bad-mouthing us. One of the things we also take into consideration – how well you take rejection, if you’ve been rejected before, and if you came back to audition after being rejected by us in the past. We do take into consideration past auditions, if they were excellent. It is in your best interest to be CLASSY. 

So there you go, potential auditioners. Is it scary? You bet your ass it is. It’s putting yourself out there and getting up in front of people voluntarily and letting them judge you. However, let me tell you from experience, the high you get after having auditioned, whether or not it was ultimately successful, is something everyone should experience at least once in their life. You feel like you can tackle anything, seriously. And if you are cast? You’re in for the ride of your life. Yes, sure, I’m biased and theater-crazed, I’ll take that criticism gladly. But if you’ve ever thought of doing it – do it. And if it’s my theater, tell me hi. Just keep your crazy eyes and beaver shots to yourself, because I don’t want anything to do with those.

(Title is from a W.C. Fields quote, because I don't want anyone to be all "thief, thief." "Show me a great actor, and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and I'll show you the devil." I will not comment on the veracity of this quote.)

The Pursuit of Happiness. Where do you think you're going? GET BACK HERE HAPPINESS.

I was informed recently that someone is no longer going to read my blog because “you’re so angry.” At first, this was kind of sad, and I thought, probably I should start posting rainbow unicorn kitten toddlers or whatever it is that society deems “cheerful.”

This came up when I Googled “pictures of something cheerful.” This is a PHOTO FAIL. No one wants cupcakes or cookies like this. Why would you do this to cake? Cake means no one any harm. Cake is your friend. Cake just wants to love you! Well, I suppose if you ate scads of cake, you would get fat, but that’s not cake’s fault, that’s your own fault, don’t go blaming cake for that. Cake doesn’t want to be turned into something evil like this! Mean! This is just mean! And full of trickery! Like, you’d say to someone, “hey, want some cake?” And they’d be so excited! Cake! And then you’d give them this? No. That’s a betrayal. The worst kind, too. A dessert betrayal. You don’t just bounce back from one of those.

First, let me just address one thing. If you think every single thing I say on here is completely true, well, that’s so nice! And how do you manage to make it through every single day without falling victim to various tricks and traps that the world has set for you? I don’t know that anyone, anywhere, is 100% truthful on their blogs. There are things I leave out, because listen, I don’t think most of you are looking for a trail of breadcrumbs so you can find my place and be waiting for me one night under my bed with a straightrazor? But who knows, really. So I’m not giving you directions to where I live, you know? Similarly, I’m not using people’s real names, because that’s rude and I can’t afford any sort of lawsuit. And, finally – and take a deep breath, because this one’s going to hurt – are you ready? Really? Are you sure?

Sometimes I exaggerate for effect.

I know. I’m sorry. Did I just blow you mind a little? Here’s the thing. One of the things I hate most in the world is being bored. Therefore, I assume you hate that, as well. Be honest: if you had a choice between a blog entry starting with one of these two sentences, which would you choose?

“I was driving home from work today and I saw they’d started construction on the new police barracks”

OR

“I was driving home from work today and I saw they’d started construction on the new police barracks, which made me wonder if my drive home from work was going to be fraught with po-po on every corner from now on, and listen, sometimes I’m not on my A-game on my drive home from work, and I’m a little distracted what with being sprung from the fifth circle of Hell, and awesome after-work tunes on the radio, so I’m bopping along in my sauna of a car that’s been sitting in the sun all day looking like a deranged sweaty escaped lunatic, so probably I’ll be writing this from jail once the barracks is completed, please send cigarettes and stamps.”

I guess some of you might choose the first sentence, although I do have to wonder why those people are reading my blog, because there aren’t too many sentences as straight-forward as that here. The second sentence (despite being a run-on – yes, I know it’s a run-on, I majored in English, thank you very much, it’s a run-on for dramatic effect, that’s a thing, it’s allowed) is more fun. And it’s more me. I go off on tangents. Sometimes they’re angry tangents. Am I really as angry as I’m portraying? Well, yes, sometimes I am, I suppose. But sometimes it’s funnier to say “I wanted to use my ninja skillzzz to punch him in the neck” as opposed to “he mildly perturbed me.” So listen. Not to send my meeeeeellions of readers off in a tizzy of “liar liar,” here, but I exaggerate. ‘Tis true. And I’m pretty sure you’ll find most of the humorous blogs you read do the same thing. Because as much as we wish a clown car of awesome would unload blog content in front of us on a daily basis, it just doesn’t happen. (NOT REAL CLOWNS. METAPHOR CLOWNS. UGH.)  Sometimes? You have to use your brain and come up with some of your own.

But! Out of respect for those of you (if there are any still here, I suppose) who are upset I am too “angry,” I went to a very nice website today called 1000 Awesome Things. You know it is nice because there is a pretty landscape photo on the top. These are things that make people happy! And so I thought we could discuss them! Won’t that be nice? I TOTALLY CAN BE NICE. AND ALSO HAPPY.

#995 Finding money you didn’t even know you lost. OK! This is a nice way to start out. This makes me happy. This often happens to me when I put on a winter coat for the first time when it’s started to get cold out again in the fall. I’ll pop my hands in the pockets and bam! I find a dollar bill, or something. That’s nice! A nice, happy thing.

#964 The day when you first realize you can drive. Happy! Although I was given permission to drive before I could actually do so in a safe fashion. I obtained my driver’s license through trickery. I failed the first time, because I cannot parallel park. Also because the guy giving me my test was an ass and mean and took points off because I drove too slowly in a 30 MPH zone. I drove 28 in a 30 and he was so up-in-arms about that. Seriously? I would think that driving slowly and cautiously though an AREA where CHILDREN ARE is a GOOD THING. So the next time I went back, I wore a very low-cut top and a mini-skirt and I giggled a lot and had a different test proctor and I bent forward a lot so he got a good look at the girls and poof, I passed. Sure, this is not something a person should technically be proud of? But I got my license. There’s no rule on the books that says you can’t use all of your assets to your full advantage when you’re a nubile 17-year-old. (Side note – I still can’t parallel park. I will seriously park a mile away from where I need to be and walk rather than even try to parallel park. I have depth perception issues. But you know what I rock? Three-point turns. Bam! ONE! TWO! THREE! Awesome at them.)

#841 When the categories on Jeopardy are right in your wheelhouse. I love this. This is the best. My favorite is when there are, right in a row, categories like “Broadway Musicals,” “Horror Novels,” “State Capitals,” “Commonly Misspelled Words,” “Pork Products,” and “Saturday Night Live Actors.” Because this I can do. Not a sports or history or date category in the bunch. I’ve GOT this. An addendum to this: this is even better when you happen to be watching it with people who don’t know you very well. You look BRILLIANT. They look at you like you are a GOLDEN GODDESS. (Side note: I will, one day, be on Jeopardy. I’ve auditioned three times, once in person, twice online. And dammit, I’m not going to die without having the chance to face down Trebek. I refuse.)

#828 Remembering what movie that guy is from. I’m excellent at this. Even better, I’m excellent at it with very little info. I delighted my coworker the other day when she said, “That guy! You know. The one? With the scar. Who I like? Adventurous.” And I said, without hesitating, even though we’d never discussed him, “Harrison Ford.” I like figuring it out, and I like helping others do the same.

#709 Waking up to the smell of sizzling bacon. There is nothing that is not perfect about this. NOTHING. You know what would make it more perfect? If you didn’t have to get out of bed to eat it, and if your current flame brought it to you while you were still all comfy-cozy under the covers. Bacon & blankets & boyfriend. And then maybe some boning, because let’s be honest, bacon in bed is a total aphrodisiac. Yes, please.

#691 When you flip to a radio station just as a song you love is starting. Coincidentally, this happened just last night when I was driving home. For some reason, my favorite radio station during the day turns into crazytown at night. Like, experimental jazz, and one time, some song about candy bars that was dirty, like “I put my Baby Ruth into her Kit Kat and she said Oh, Henry.” I can’t listen to that without wanting a shower or to gouge my eardrums out with paperclips, so I flip around aimlessly on my drive home when I’m out at night. Sometimes I find Delilah. I like Delilah because her callers are sad sacks and she is clueless to their needs. “I have 14 kids and we live in a shack and have no running water, can you play something for me, Delilah?” and then Delilah will play “Groovy Kind of Love” for no apparent reason. But last night, the retro station, when I flipped there, was playing the New Kids on the Block’s “Hangin’ Tough.” And you bet your ASS I turned that up and rocked out. I know ALL of the lyrics to that. My first concert was the New Kids. Before that NKoTB crap, too. With my first real boyfriend. I know! Totally romantic. Until he broke up with me just before Valentine’s Day because he thought one of my best friends was interested in him and then she wasn’t but we were still broken up and that kind of sucked but was best in the long run because that growth spurt I always was hoping he’d have? Didn’t. He’s still like 5’4 and I’m pretty sure that you don’t get a growth spurt when you’re in your mid-thirties. This story wasn’t really going anywhere so if you’re hanging on for some moral or something, you’re kind of out of luck. “Don’t cross our path ‘cause you’re GONNA get STOMPED!”

#412 The air just before a thunderstorm. I’m 99% sure, in another life, I was someone who worked outdoors, because I am like a barometer, and I just come alive when there’s about to be a storm. When I lived out west, the best thing ever was monsoon season. Sideways rain. The sky turned maroon and mauve and orange and pink and purple. The air was just charged with electricity and excitement. And it smelled so goddamn good you just wanted to go outside and eat it all up.

#366 Little kids showing you their muscles. A kid I knew once came up to me and asked me, in perfect seriousness, if I had purchased tickets to the gun show. (Shut up if you know where this is going. I didn’t at the time.) I of course said, “What gun show?” And he made a muscle and said, “This gun show! You’re gonna need a ticket to look at THESE guns!” I laughed so hard I snorted. Yes, it’s kind of dumb. But that kid SOLD it. Props, kiddo.

#328 The smell of a library. If they could bottle this (minus, I suppose, the sweaty smell of some of the people standing in line sometimes – please, please, deodorant? It’s not too much to ask, and there are coupons, often. Here! I will give you one. It is MY PLEASURE!) I would wear it like perfume on a regular basis. Old paper and history. That is the smell of the library.

And I’m adding one of my own – sorry, list, but if you think “All of the things that come out of a pig” and “Pain” are things that are awesome, and this isn’t on there, well, maybe you’re not as awesome as you think you are? Hmm? Think on that awhile!

#Eleventy-oneth: The feeling in the pit of your stomach right before a show you’ve worked on starts. You put a lot of time into it; you know it’s good; now it’s time to share it with people. It’s a completely indescribable feeling. It’s a little like the butterflies you get when you realize you’re falling in love and a little like the nausea you get when you’re about to move to a new town where you don’t know anyone but you know it’s the best thing you can do.

There. SEE? I am not completely and totally filled with hatred. Also? I really, really like cheese. Almost all types of cheese. And office supplies, especially pencils. And snapdragons. And how my nephew says my name, now that he relates my name as an abstract to me as a person. And you! And you, blog reader. I totally dig you. Except if you’re annoying, or one of those people who has no respect for personal space? Then we’re through.