I H8 to tell you but I watched H8R last night. It was about as good as you might expect.

This day has just about killed me but I have so much work to do I’m pretty sure my office would reanimate my and have my zombie corpse chained to my desk so I could do MORE work, is how bad it’s been. But shh, I’m sneaking in for a minute. 

So far, fall television has been a huge son, I am disappoint.

I’ve watched four new shows – one of which I KNEW would be awful but the shows I was PLANNING to watch in that time slot weren’t on because somehow I got my wires crossed, I don’t know, so I had time and it was on – and none of them were all that impressive. Remember how the other day I said that right before the fall season started, it was like Christmas Eve? Well, it’s early Christmas morning, and so far all I’ve unwrapped are some really boring educational DVDs and a hat that doesn’t fit correctly. Oh, and a bag of crazy. 

Ringer wasn’t the worst thing ever. It was fine. The special effects were horrendous, though. Who thought they were ok? Someone ok’d these? Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could do better with the video camera in my cell phone. I would be embarrassed if I was the person who was presenting this to the public. Also, it’s very, very hard for me to imagine Sarah Michelle Gellar in peril, because it’s Buffy, you know? I’m just wondering why she isn’t kicking the badguy’s asses and snarking at them. It’s disconcerting. Oh, also, Jason Dohring WASN’T EVEN IN THE FIRST EPISODE. Um, this is very worrisome, why would you do that to me, Ringer? It’s early yet, though, so I’ll give it another go. 

The NBC comedies Up All Night and Free Agents were…um…well, to be kind, they weren’t the worst things I’ve ever seen ever in the history of ever! That’s nice, right? Here’s my problem with them. First, Up All Night. Not that funny, first off. Will Arnett should only play his typical stupid/smart characters, because I don’t know if he can pull off anything else. Maya Rudolph was funny, but it’s just her Saturday Night Live Oprah character, so it seems like a rip-off. And the show’s kind of stupid. Free Agents – well, listen, I have always had a crush on Hank Azaria, and there are a lot of good actors crammed into this series, but it’s just not very good. It’s actually also pretty stupid. I guess you could turn the sound off and just stare at Hank Azaria, but that seems like a waste of half an hour. So will I watch them again? Probably not. I don’t see them getting much better. 

Now for the bag of crazy. When I tell you the title, you’re going to say, well! OF COURSE IT WAS INSANE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. I was curious, give me a break. H8R? I almost want to say that title in a small voice and run away from you, I’m so embarrassed I watched this thing. Ok, premise is, Mario Lopez pretends to interview everyday people for a reality show and part of the interview is “blast off about one celebrity you hate more than anything and BE DESCRIPTIVE.” (They don’t say that, I added that part, but it seems to be the subtext.) So on video, we have some schmo going on and on and on about how much they hate some celebrity like, oh, I don’t know, Snookie. Then Mario Lopez shows the video TO Snookie, who he is apparently close personal friends with. And then Snookie CONFRONTS the h8r (I think I might be contractually bound to spell it like that) in his or her natural habitat. The h8r is shaken when confronted by his or her asshattery, but continues to act like an asshat because it would totally look like he or she was losing face if he or she just backed down and said “Sorry, Snookie, I don’t know you at all and was just blasting, as you do, on a celebrity that seems annoying!” Then – THEN! – Snookie took the h8r grocery shopping (…I don’t know either?) and they bonded a little, then she cooked dinner for his whole family, and at the end of the dinner, she said, “Are you still a h8r?” and he said “NO SNOOKIE I AM A LOVER” and she wooo-ed and all was well. 

The second segment was similar only stupider, because it was a girl with spotted hair (no, seriously, is this a thing? I will have to find you a graphic. She had white-blond hair with leopard-like spots running down one side of it.) 

Well, this isn’t a very good photo and also what's with this chick's emo eyeliner and such and I can’t find a better one so I guess the H8R was on the cutting edge of stupid. But it was like this, only the spots were BIGGER and only on one SIDE and VERY PRONOUNCED. And no one mentioned it? At all? In the whole episode? So that struck me as odd. 

So anyway, Spotty hated, hated, HAAAATED Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor. I don’t know anything about The Bachelor. I don’t watch it. I don’t care about dating shows. Well, except for Rock of Love. Now THAT was a dating show. Yowza. So awesomely filled with whoredom. Anyway. She went on for a while about how awful he was and then the worst part – “I heard he was probably GAY!” she said, in a shocked tone. Hmm. That WOULD be upsetting, because then he would have been MISREPRESENTING HIMSELF ON A DATING SHOW OMG. The only thing worse than that would be if he lied about the “journey” he was taking while on the show. Because isn’t that just the best? When they talk about being on a “journey?” It doesn’t at all make you want to vomit until you’re sore. 

So Mario gleefully showed Jake the footage and Jake got all sad and teary-eyed (honestly, he seemed like kind of a whine-ass, but he was pretty as all get-out) and then confronted Spotty at some spa she was at but first played a trick on her where he pretended to be hitting on her and being a douche and she was totally turned on by him but pretending not to be, so it was all of a sudden very sad. Because you could see WHY she hated Jake. Because he was every guy who’d ever turned Spotty down ever. And Spotty was actually quite pretty, if you did something about her horrendous hairstyle. Then Mario popped out of a potted plant or something and kind of strong-armed Spotty into going on a date with Jake which was kind of like one of the dates on The Bachelor, where they drove around aimlessly getting to know one another in an SUV and then went on a plane. And she was very cold but you could TELL she dug him but was just being a dick because she was getting revenge on whoever had hurt her in the past. And then – because Jake is a big old pretty weirdo – he took her to the Bachelor house, I guess to show off and be all, “Lookie what I can do, take you to a famous place because I am a very famous person!” and she was pissed (and this time, rightfully so, because it was so douchey of him.)  

OK, now THE BEST PART. He sat her down and started just spewing all over about his childhood, and how he never felt like his father loved him, and how this affected him throughout his life, and how her being a h8r really bothered him because of it, and she’s watching him all confused because HE IS TOTALLY CRYING, and then he says “I’ve never told anyone any of this before.” Really. REALLY? Then why are you telling a total stranger who just blasted you to the whole world and hates you so much? YOU ARE A WEIRD REALITY SHOW WEIRDO WITH AMAZING BONE STRUCTURE WHO IS TOTALLY SAD. She then just kind of wandered off and he realized that his daddy was never going to love him so he slammed some doors and then they separated and as she drove off she said, “I was a h8r before and I’m a H8R NOW!!!!” 

THIS SHOW IS AWFUL. 

At the end, they showed the celebrities who were going to be on the rest of the season, and I recognized three of them. And there were about ten of them. The three I recognized were Kim Kardashian, Janice Dickinson, and Eva Longoria. Then they said their names and one of them was the asshole who does the Girls Gone Wild videos. Is there anyone who LIKES this guy? I bet even his MOTHER thinks he’s a exploitative douchecanoe. And there was one guy who looked like he was made of wax and he made me laugh until I almost pissed myself. He looked like Christian Bale but made of wax. SO SO SHINY. I wanted to confront him and discuss what was going on with that face, honestly. It is apparently Scott Disick. 

This photo isn’t so shiny – it must have been the H8R lighting or he’d just had some major botox something – but I chose it because it makes me laugh. Why is he posing in front of the ocean like this? Does he think he’s auditioning for Miami Vice? Fun!  (I have never watched a single episode of that Kardashian show but my father watches it. Here is a sample of him talking about it: “I hate that show. Those people are so stupid. The people that marry them are so stupid. Something’s wrong with Bruce Jenner’s face. I don’t like their butts but all the men say they have the best butts. Why are they famous. I hate that show.” “Um, Dad, if you hate it, why do you watch it?” “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Amy. EVERYONE watches that show.”) 

Here are my thoughts, Mario Lopez. First: it doesn’t exactly mean you are a h8r if you blast a celebrity on the internet. Sometimes it means you’re unintelligent and believe everything that’s in the tabloids; sometimes it just means you’re venting. Listen, I have a lot of celebrities I don’t like, for various reasons. Here’s a list: 

Tom Cruise: scary cult leader

Chris Klein: hates women

Miley Cyrus: seems unintelligent

Jay Leno: not funny and seems like kind of a cock

Roman Polanski: child molester

Chris Brown: beats women

Ginnifer Goodwin: seems unintelligent and chooses men incorrectly

Carrot Top: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS SCARY FACE 

I don’t really HATE them, though. Why? I don’t know them! I think in order to hate someone, you really have to know them. Do I like these people? No. Do I want to hang out with them? No, no I don’t (and actually, in Carrot Top’s case, OH MY GOD PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME NO.) 

But if Mario Lopez showed up and said I needed to spend a day with one of these people you know what I’d say? NO THANK YOU MARIO LOPEZ. That’s just a recipe for disaster, really. The people who say yes are just reality show whores who want their moment of fame. They’re just as sad as the celebrities! It’s a sad shame spiral, really. A co-dependent shame spiral. 

So this season, so far, kind of a total letdown. Luckily, it’s still early. Tonight: The Secret Circle! Starring the girl who kind of annoyed me from Life Unexpected and Gale Harold, WHO WILL NEVER ANNOY ME. What will happen? One can only imagine.

My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part fall television series! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU. 

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right? 

Also, you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that. 

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows 

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives. 

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know 

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t – IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember? 

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign. 

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC) 

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.) 

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. 

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one. 

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that? 

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX) 

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life 

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS. 

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.) 

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Green screen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too. 

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX) 

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California. 

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos 

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic? 

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can't look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.

I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue. 

Ringer (9/13/11, CW) 

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister. 

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever. 

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that. 

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really. 

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!) 

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don't love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this. 

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.

Fall TV Anti...ci...pation Part II - Returning Shows O'Shininess

I love Sundays. They’re so restful. I mean, other than the things I should be doing that I’m not. Like cleaning. And errands. And baking. Things like that. But no! No, I refuse to deprive you of what you’ve been promised!

Friday we discussed shows in the fall season I will not, under any circumstances, be watching. We discussed them while I was most likely dying. Well! Today I am STILL most likely dying, but it’s been two days, so I’m obviously much closer to death’s door than I was two days ago. But I refuse to go out without finishing part two of my three part series on fall television. Why, you ask? BECAUSE TELEVISION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. I can hear you, person in the back muttering that I have no life. Well, you know what? Go hang out with your super-cool friends in your super-cool hangout drinking whatever it is the cool kids are drinking or whatever and shut the hell up. I’ll be watching my big old television, thank you very much.

Today, let’s talk about returning shows I’m excited about. I narrowed it down to my top five, because the list was much too long and it kind of made me look like a crazy person. Which you already know I am but really, is there any need to broadcast it further? I think not.

Also – here there be spoilers, if you aren’t caught up. Sorry!

Fall 2011 Returning Shows I’m Most Jazzed About

The Walking Dead (October 16, 2011, AMC) 

Premise: A group of Americans attempts to survive in a post-Apocalyptical zombie wasteland.

Starring: Andrew Lincoln (SWOON), Sarah Wayne Callies from Prison Break, and a lot of other amazingly talented people that you might not have heard of but who cares, they are wonderful and once you see this, you will LOVE them.

This summer, I read the first two graphic novels in the series, to prepare myself for season two, because even though I don’t like to be spoiled, I COULD NOT WAIT. I knew, from the first few minutes of this series, that it was going to be spectacular, and it delivered all the way through. The casting is brilliant; the special effects are brilliant; the acting is brilliant; the art direction is brilliant; the writing is brilliant; the direction itself is brilliant. I have nothing but good things to say about this show. AMC allows the show to be as gory as it needs to be, so it comes across as a very realistic horror movie in television form. The relationships between characters are very strong and true. People act like you’d imagine they would, if faced with a situation like this one. You hate people (SHANE! I want to punch Shane in the NECK!) and love people (I have a total and complete crush on Rick. Rick gets shit TAKEN CARE OF. Rick quietly does what needs to be done. Rick would not get involved in nonsense. Also, Rick is crazy handsome and super-tall and played Mark in Love, Actually and made me cry a million tears when he held up the signs to confess his love for Kiera Knightley’s character who was stupid and should have immediately left her very nice but very boring husband for him WHAT THE HELL, KIERA KNIGHTLEY’S CHARACTER. I am SO MAD AT HER I didn't even bother Googling her character name. JUST THAT MAD.)

And the cliffhanger! Holy flesh-chomping walkers, what a cliffhanger! I am DYING to find out what Dr. Jenner whispered in Rick’s ear right before they escaped the CDC. The graphic novels didn’t cover that, so it’s either still to come, or something that’s just for the series.

My only sadness is that I have to wait until next month for this, and then we only get seven episodes and then a hiatus until February for the rest. Oh, and that there’s some nonsense going on over at AMC and Frank Darabont (who developed it for television, had a hand in writing most of the episodes, and directed the amazing pilot) was either quit or fired so Season Two might be a worry since it might have been brilliant because of him. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for continued excellence. Also, this was robbed at the Emmy nominations. ROBBED I TELL YOU.

The Good Wife (September 25, 2011, CBS)

Premise: A state’s attorney is jailed following a sex and corruption scandal. His wife, who stood by him throughout, goes back to work as an attorney at an old flame’s firm.

Starring: Everyone who is anyone, and more amazing people every season. Julianna Margulies, Chris Noth, Josh Charles, Archie Panjabi, Christine Baranski, Matt Czuchry, Alan Cumming, Titus Welliver, Mary Beth Peil, Dallas Roberts, Michael J. Fox, Gary Cole, America Ferrera – need I go on? Because I can. I totally can.

Secret? I didn’t plan on watching this when it started. I hate law shows. They bore the pants off me. I don’t watch the Law and Order franchise (well, except for SVU, and I only watch that because I love the two leads, so I guess I’m SOL next season!), and things like A Few Good Men? I mentally take naps during them. Law is BORING to me. I know. I am a heathen and probably should be dunked like a witch for such an admission. Sorry.

My roommate at the time this started watched the pilot, and when I halfheartedly asked her what she’d thought, was full of praise. “You HAVE to watch this, Amy,” she said. “You’re going to love it. It’s not just a law show. I promise. It’s AMAZING.” The reviews had been very good, so I thought, what the hell, I’ll give it a shot.

This show sucked me in and hasn’t let go yet. It gets better with every episode. Julianna Margulies, first off, is brilliant in her role. I mean, she was always wonderful – her turn on ER was one of the reasons I watched the show, and I stopped watching not long after she left – but honestly, even though I love her to pieces, I’m not watching the show for her anymore. There are two people I’m watching the show for, and they are Alan Cumming and Archie Panjabi.

Not to slight the rest of the cast. They’re doing a great job. The writing is crisp, the events are timely without that weird “ripped from the HEADLINES!” feel that L&O episodes have, the relationships between characters are emotional and true. But Cumming and Panjabi have gone so far above and beyond that they deserve special mention.

Archie Panjabi plays Kalinda Sharma, an investigator for the law firm where Julianna Margulies’s character works. Only, she’s not really Kalinda Sharma. Because last season we found out she took on that persona when she fled another life, one that we know nothing about. Kalinda is a gorgeous bisexual badass who is the most loyal friend you’ll ever meet. If I had to pick one fictional character on television to have my back, it would be Kalinda. I ADORE her. And it’s not just the character, or the writing. Panjabi is BRILLIANT. She has layers upon layers of nuancing in her performance. She can transmit more with a look than most actors can do with pages of monologuing. She’s one of those characters that when she cries, I’m gone. I’m that invested in her character. She’s on the screen, I’m not watching anyone else. She commands every scene she’s in. She’s a master class in acting.

Alan Cumming has always been one of my favorite actors (I’ll never forget him talking about visiting upstate New York on Letterman one night and his joy in the fact that, at our gas stations, you could get “both ice cream AND petrol!” and his Scottish burr over the gas station chain “Stewart’s” made my whole night) and he does not disappoint in this show. His Eli Gold, a mastermind, a spider spinning a web, planning everything so Peter Florrick can get re-elected, is such a layered character that you want to hate him but you just can’t. He’s very human. He’s very American, really. Very ambitious. Very get-it-done-at-any-cost. And he’s at his best when the cracks begin to show, and his humanity peeks out – when he’s feeling romantic feelings toward a new woman in his life; when he’s realizing how much he actually relates to and likes Alicia Florrick, even more than her husband, actually; when he’s verbally sparring with his daughter. The public man, ruthless and heartless, is at war with the private man, caring and good. He’s doing a brilliant job.

At the end of Season Two, Alicia and her boss, Will, finally seemed to consummate years of flirting once she realized that her husband had slept with more people than he’d let on – worse, that he’d slept with Kalinda, her best friend. A plot twist everyone’s on the edge of their seat about, myself included. But I’m more interested in how this is affecting Kalinda, and how this will affect Eli. I’d watch the two of them fold laundry for an hour, honestly. They’re that good.

Community (September 22, 2011, NBC)

Premise: A group of people with very little in common form a ragtag study group and become friends in one of the strangest community colleges in America.

Starring: the funniest cast on television. Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Alison Brie, Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Donald Glover, Chevy Chase, Ken Jeong, and a lot of recurring extras.

I didn’t love the first episode of this. I watched it and thought, eh, this is going to be another Kath and Kim situation, isn’t it? I made it clear how I feel about the NBC comedy block in my last post: it seems like they always throw something not-funny in there, to mess with my head or something. At the time, My Name is Earl was still in there (I miss you, My Name is Earl!) and Community was the late add-in. I decided I’d give it one more chance. Thank you, my stubborn instincts and long-running dedication to anything anyone who’s ever starred on Saturday Night Live does!

This show – I don’t know how to describe this show. It’s really an acquired taste. You get it or you don’t. I understand that. I wish more people did, and then it wouldn’t be on the bubble for renewal every season, but I get that it’s not everyone’s thing. Fine. It makes me laugh so hard I snort. It makes me laugh so hard I miss the next joke and have to go back and watch it over again to catch what I missed the first time around because I was laughing so hard.

It’s one of the most intelligent comedies on television. There was a paintball episode which had western and sci-fi elements. There was a clip episode of clips that didn’t happen. There was a zombie Halloween episode. There was – and this was just the most amazing thing ever, ever, EVER – a Dungeons and Dragons episode, where the group roleplayed.

It’s actually touching at times, as well. Sometimes it brings a tear to my eye. The writing is very crisp in its absurdity. Every actor commits to the insane reality they’ve created 100%, and it works. I don’t expect it will be around much longer – we were, honestly, lucky to get it for as long as we did – but I’m so happy with what we did get that I can’t really complain. OK, I can. I will. Who would I be if I didn’t complain?

Game of Thrones (Spring 2012, HBO) 

Premise: the life and times of the people of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and their struggles for power and survival in the often magical land.

Starring: Michelle Fairley, Lena Headley, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Peter Dinklage, Kit Harington, Emilia Clarke, Iain Glen, and a million billion other people because there are SEVEN kingdoms, damn, I can’t list them all

OK, I’m not sure if next season will be called Game of Thrones, or will be called Clash of Kings after the second book in the series. HBO is being pretty tight-lipped about the whole second season, other than a vague release date and some casting info. I assume they’ll stick with the original title because wouldn’t that confuse people, otherwise?

I came into this game late. Ha! Nice play on words. I did, though. My amazing, brilliant, wonderful, life-changing book club was reading the first book in the series a few months ago, and I had heard that the series was on HBO, but as I’m very, very poor, I can’t afford HBO, so I didn’t get it and was not watching it. I read the book. I immediately had to watch the series. I got HBO for True Blood (spoiler alert: waste of my money, this season sucked) and watched Game of Thrones over three days, one episode after another. Loved it, every minute. Just wonderful.

HBO can afford to dump a lot of money into its productions, so production expenses are never really a problem. It doesn’t always make them good, though. True Blood, as mentioned, was awful this season. Pretty? Sure, whatever, it was pretty, that’s not the point. You can put glitter on a turd and it’s still a turd, albeit a shiny sparkly one. Game of Thrones was compelling and awe-inspiring and sweeping and majestical and made me cry more than once and the characters were well-cast and it was what I wanted from the book I’d loved so much.

And there was Peter Dinklage, of course.

OK, I love Peter Dinklage. And I realize, above, I should have put a picture that best encapsulated the entire show and such. But you know what? No. It’s my blog and it gets a BIG HONKIN' PICTURE OF TYRION LOOKING HAUGHTY AND HANDSOME AND REGAL.

Tyrion Lannister is one of the best characters in fantasy fiction I’ve ever read. He’s the kind of character I like – many shades of gray; layered; intelligent; inscrutable. Peter Dinklage acts the HELL out of this role. Nothing against the other characters and actors portraying them – they’re good, very good, in some cases – but, much like with The Good Wife and Archie Panjabi, this is Dinklage’s show. He lights up every scene. There isn’t a person who watched this series who didn’t leave it rooting for Tyrion. A GIF of Tyrion slapping Joffrey started making the internet rounds. Dinklage was nominated for an Emmy. It’s a great role, but in the hands of a lesser man, would have come off cartoonish. Dinklage sells it, and you fall in love with him. I can’t wait until Season Two. I’d better get started on the book.

Sherlock (Spring 2012, PBS/BBC)

Premise: an updated version of the Sherlock Holmes tales, set in our digital age.

Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch (earlier I swooned; permit me, please, a double-swoon) and Martin Freeman, plus some recurring actors

This almost seems like cheating. I can hear you now. “Amy!” you’re saying. “This doesn’t COUNT! It’s not even a whole SEASON! It’s three EPISODES! It’s a MINISERIES!”

You wouldn’t be saying that if you watched Season One.

This show is a masterpiece. (This is not meant to be a play on the fact that in the U.S. it plays on Masterpiece Theater on PBS.) I never disliked the original Sherlock tales, but I’m not a big fan. I caught the first one of these, and was just blown away. The seamless integration of modern-day technology into Holmes’s crime-fighting skills. His possible Asperger’s. His relationship with Watson and the homophobic overtones. It’s ALL THERE. The show is flashy without being cheap; it’s compelling without grabbing you by the throat. It doesn’t have to. It gets your attention with quality.

The writing is wonderful, but being based on famous works of literature doesn’t hurt. The acting is something to see. Both Freeman and Cumberbatch (and can we revel in the lovely poetry of a name like Benedict Cumberbatch for a moment, please? The pleasing syllables?) give performances that hit all of the right notes. They’re both drowning and need each other’s friendship to survive. It’s beautiful and refreshing.

I also have others that just…didn’t…quite make my top five. I’m very behind on last season and still scrambling to catch up. So I’m also excited, but not quite as, about Castle, Criminal Minds, The Vampire Diaries (shut up IT HAS DAMON SALVATORE so shut up), Fringe, Supernatural, and Chuck.

This is Damon Salvatore so stop with
your mockery because ZOMG LOOK
AT THOSE EYES HOT DAMN.

Now, it really goes without saying that you should Netflix or rent or whatever it is you do to get such things all of these series and catch up before the new seasons start, please, so I can talk about them with you. It’s a gift you’ll be giving yourself, really. I wouldn’t recommend crap because I don’t watch much crap. Life’s too short. Go go go! What are you waiting for? There’s television to be watched!

Next time: the new shows I’m most excited about. Any guesses? Hint: if you’ve been paying attention over the past few months you can guess #1 easily.

Fall Television: What Not to Watch. I Managed Not to Vomit While Typing this Post. You're Proud, Right?

I'm home sick today. Do most people enjoy their days home sick, I mean, despite the sick part, of course? I just lay around feeling guilty and worried that there are a million things to do at work and I left all of that work for my co-workers and that's just about the rudest thing ever. But then I realize I probably would pass out on the drive over because I just drove to Rite Aid for sick-person supplies and also chocolate because listen, I'm not spending an entire DAY in this place without any CHOCOLATE, are you INSANE? and on the drive over I got woozy and thought, huh, that would be an interesting way to go, less than a mile from your own home, because someone at some point really should have come up with a delivery service that brings sick-person supplies to sick people so they are not forced to go out when they feel like death. Fine, yes, I know most sick people have someone they can call in situations like this, like their husband, or a close friend, and say, hey, husband or close friend, please run over to the drugstore and get me some ibuprofen and a bag of those Halloween mini Reese's Pumpkins because they are the best things ever ever ever. But I not only don't have that, I would not ever ask someone to do that. I think that's overstepping. Everyone I know is at work! What, they're going to drop everything and run errands for me? Who do I think I am, the Queen of England? I don't have handmaidens! On a related note, how does one get handmaidens, exactly? You can send me an email if you don't want it to be public knowledge. I can be discreet about handmaiden-obtaining.

Um. Yeah. I'm kind of rambling. I AM VERY SICK AND ALSO IN PAIN DEAL WITH IT. Earlier I couldn't get out of bed for a really long time and I just lay there and lay there (maybe I laid there, now I have to look that up because it's one of those grammar rules that gets me every time, like the word "grateful" which every time I type I think it should be "greatful" because listen, someone did something GREAT for you! So shouldn't you be GREAT-ful? But you are not, you are grateful, which grates on my nerves. See what I did there? I AM AWESOME WITH WORDS.) OK, Google says earlier when I was in bed I was laying in it. So my first impulse was the correct one. Winner winner ding ding ding. Anyway, I have no idea where this was going. Oh. So I was in the bed, laying or lying or just generally hating life, and that's pretty much it, I guess. I have no idea what the point of that was. That I'm dying, maybe. Probably pretty much dying.

FINE! That is not what I came to talk about today. TODAY I wanted to talk about a very, very important topic: fall television.

OK, fall television is what I live for. It is my Olympics. I make lists, people. LISTS. I pro and con what is coming out; I make viewing plans; I am very, very organized about fall television. I know what I'm going to watch months before it's even happening.

This time around, though, let's discuss things that I will NOT be watching. Shows that seem, to me, to be a gigantic misstep. I'm only singling out the ones that I really, really, will HARDCORE not be watching. There are quite a few I won't be watching, but these I really will VOCALLY not be watching.

Last Man Standing

Description: A comedy about a man who lives in a world dominated by women.

Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis, and some other people I don't know or care about

No, thanks! OK, first? I can't STAND Tim Allen. I see Tim Allen, I am immediately sucked back to when I was young and my household's favorite program was Home Improvement and I HATED Home Improvement but we always had to watch it and everyone would laugh because ha ha! So super-funny! But it WAS NOT FUNNY. It was STUPID. This looks stupid, too, even though I will always kind of love Nancy Travis a little for her role in So I Married an Axe Murderer. She's made some missteps since then, though. And I find Tim Allen very annoying and grating. The only place I like Tim Allen is as a voice in the Toy Story franchise.

I think it bears noting that I hate most sitcoms, especially ones with laugh tracks. I know I should try to get into both How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory but I just can't. Traditional multi-camera sitcoms and I just don't play well together.

Man Up!

Description: Do you really need one? Even this title makes me want to punch something. FINE. Three men who act childishly decide it's time to start acting like adults.

Starring: a bunch of people I've never seen before and Teri Polo from Meet the Fockers.

Ugh, Really? There are all these things all over the place that are saying this is "the next big thing." You know what's the next big thing? NOT WATCHING GARBAGE. This will probably end up being popular and you can all tell me to suck it but I'm not watching ANYTHING called Man Up! because I think that title sucks, this premise is hackneyed and overdone, what's with the exclamation point!, and honestly I'd rather be sneezed on repeatedly by a llama than sit through this nonsense. Man Up!? Really? OK, you're all aware that's offensive and people try not to say that anymore because feminists and, well, WOMEN find it offensive because it implies that whatever the behavior that the person is doing that is undesirable is feminine, weak, and therefore bad, right? Please research things with real test markets before putting them on television. Thank you.

Whitney

Description: An opinionated woman uses unconventional methods to keep the spark alive in her relationship with her long-suffering boyfriend. (I added the "suffering" part. If you've seen the trailers for this you know why.)

Starring: some comedian that people seem to know that I've never heard of before named Whitney Cummings, random people, and Jane Kaczmarek (poor Jane Kaczmarek)

This is in the death slot. There's always one show that's combined with the powerhouse group of The Office, Community, 30 Rock, and Parks and Recreation, and this year Whitney got the dubious honor. Two years ago it was that shitstorm of a show Kath and Kim, and last year it was the obnoxious and offensive Outsourced. NBC! Is there a method to your madness? Why put an awful show in with your good ones? Is it so I have a chance to go to the bathroom and do the dishes? No? Because that's what I do when the show airs. And that's what I'll do when this airs, too. The commercials make it look like it's possibly a joke the network is playing on us. There are a million commercials, too. And a million print ads! Why is there so much money being spent on this? I am very, very confused about this situation.

The X Factor

Description: HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER AN EFFING ROCK? It's American Idol for solo artists or groups with no age limit. It's where Simon Cowell went when he left American Idol in a huffy odd way.

Starring: wannabe Kelly Clarksons, Simon Cowell, and Paula Abdul. A Pussycat Doll. Some other judges that if I cared about pop music more, I'd probably recognize their names.

OK, here's a confession, and I'm pretty much the only person in America that feels this way, and so probably this makes me a terrorist, but I don't care about singing shows. I don't watch American Idol. I don't watch The Voice. And I won't watch this. I DON'T CARE. The winner of these shows is the person who DOESN'T win because once they do win, they have to sing whatever overdone crap the record company makes them sing and it is awful and embarrassing. I don't enjoy it; I can't judge who's good because I'm basically tone-deaf and I can pick who I like best but it's usually the person who gets sent home that week; and there are SO SO MANY OF THEM ZOMG. Why so many of these? Now there are three? Really? That seems like overkill! And it's such a time commitment to watch these things! Auditions, shows, results shows, they're on like three nights a week! No, thank you, Simon, you and your tight black tees will get a pass from me, thanks. Don't worry, I'm not watching any of the others, either. Just don't care.

There are shows I am excited about coming up, both new and returning; but those are for another post, as my ibuprofen has worn off and I am in a lot of pain and it's ALL FOR YOU, readers, I hope you are super-happy. I'm going to zone out on the couch now and make that noise that Harry made in When Harry Met Sally when he was lonely and didn't want Meg Ryan to hang up. Blergh.