Saturday, August 20, 2011

Dear Adam: A Very Public Break-Up Letter

Dear Adam:

I'm sorry it's come to this, but I'm breaking up with you.

I would say "it's not you, it's me," in order to spare your feelings, but it's totally you.

It was the photo that did it. Don't act all innocent and "what photo, baby?" You know what photo. You're well-aware what photo. THIS GODDAMN PHOTO.

I actually choked on my dinner a little when I saw this in Entertainment Weekly, Adam.

Further investigation tells me that your most recent "movie" (yes, my darling, those are sarcastic quotes) Jack and Jill has you starring as both your character AND YOUR OWN TWIN SISTER. And that Joey Potter will be playing your wife.

That was when I knew I had to call this quits.

No, now, don't try to argue. We've had a good run, you and I. Do you remember when we met? I was in high school and you were on Saturday Night Live. Those were good days, Adam. You were young. I was young. You made me laugh. I've always been a sucker for a man who can make me laugh. I still am, Adam. Which is why we're breaking up, to be honest. The laughs, they've just stopped coming.

"Red Hooded Sweatshirt." "The Chanukah Song." "Canteen Boy." "Lunchlady Land." I loved you and your silly ways.

Then I got older, and we grew apart. I never forgot you, Adam. Please don't think that I did! I just got in with another crowd, the indie-film types, the musicians. There was a lot of eyeliner and angst.

Years later, I met another man who made me laugh, and one day it was very hot where we worked, and he said, "It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around" and that was funny, so I asked him what it was from, and he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. "Billy Madison?" he said. "You haven't seen Billy Madison?"

So I rented Billy Madison, and I remembered the good times we used to have, Adam, and how much you made me laugh. Then Happy Gilmore. Mixed Nuts. Airheads. And we were back together! The man who made me laugh was no longer in the picture, but you stayed. And we were very happy together.

Then The Wedding Singer. This was a new thing - you? In a romantic comedy? I decided to give it a go. I mean, there had been romance in the other films, but silly, jokey romance, and this was an actual date movie. And Adam! You were wonderful! As was the film! And even though I hated Drew Barrymore going into it (don't ask, she and I had some tough times, her "free spirit/stripping in front of David Letterman" schtick made me weary), I came out of it with new appreciation for her and new respect for you! And yes, I even forgave you for cheating on me with her in the movie. We could move past that! True love conquers all!

I bought your comedy albums - on cassette tape, because that's all I had in my car - and listened to them over and over. Your voice cheered me up after bad days at work. It was a good time for us, Adam. We were happy, weren't we?

Then Dirty Work - not your finest hour, but you were helping your old Saturday Night Live buddy Norm out, I get it - and then The Waterboy. Um. Well, we're all allowed a misstep now and then. I mean, I'm not perfect. No one is! No one at all. And the movie did well enough in the box office. And frat boys seemed to be quoting it a lot. So you had that going for you.

Big Daddy. Well, it wasn't the worst thing ever. You were maturing, as was I. You wanted to make something more family-friendly. I get it! It actually had some touching moments, and Jon Stewart was in it, so how can that be wrong? I stood by  you. That's what you do, when you're in love, right?

Oh, but then, Adam, you redeemed yourself. And so beautifully. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, because this was, I was sure, your crossover movie; this was what would launch you from comedy to drama; this was your Clooney-esque step from Facts of Life to ER. Punch Drunk Love. I loved it to distraction. I watched it in the theater the day it was released; I bought the DVD the day it came out. "I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine." Yes. YES. I knew I had backed the winning horse. This would go down in history as your defining moment.

And then you made Mr. Deeds.

This was bewildering, to say the least. This wasn't even a movie. This wasn't even a blip on the radar of Hollywood history. This was a remake that didn't need to be remade that you seemed to be sleepwalking through. What was going on? What exactly was going through your head? But I still saw it in the theater. I did. For you.

Then The Hot Chick. Eight Crazy Nights.

Listen, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, here, but let's put our cards on the table. This is when I started to pull away from you, emotionally. I didn't see either of these movies. And I still haven't, despite the fact they've been on cable ad infinitum since. Perhaps this is a betrayal of some sort; if so, I'm sorry. But Rob Schneider is a BAD INFLUENCE ON YOU. He is the most annoying little booger I have ever watched. I hated him on Saturday Night Live and I hate him in everything you deign to allow him to co-star in. No. Just, no. And then an oddly-animated comedy based on a song you sang eight years ago? I mean, it's a funny song, but really? This seems like poor timing, doesn't it?

I'll admit I saw Anger Management in the theater. I felt bad; I missed you. I felt worse when I left. I had nothing nice to say. Nothing at all.

Where did my Adam go? My sweet, dorky, funny Adam? What was going on?

50 First Dates - eh, it reeked of "we really had magic with The Wedding Singer so LET'S TRY AGAIN!" but didn't quite hit the mark. Spanglish - not bad, nice try, some nice moments, but I knew you could do better - you did, in Punch Drunk Love - so, again, it didn't quite hit the mark.

I didn't see The Longest Yard. I'm sure I had a reason. Or maybe I didn't. You know, I just don't think I cared enough to see it. There were sports in it, I think. And it was another remake. And the trailer bored me to tears. I'm not even apologizing for this.

Click was manipulative enough to make me cry but only because anything with a Christmas-Carol-esque "this is what could be" angle always gets to me. So that was mean. I see what you were trying to do - win me back by manipulating me with tears. Well, that's a shitty thing to do, Adam, after all we've been through! And also it kind of sucked big old donkey dick, to be quite frank. No amount of tears makes THAT go away.

I had high hopes for Reign Over Me. I really did. A 9/11 movie? Good. A serious drama? Good. Sorry. I really, really couldn't handle it. It wasn't well-done. I think you tried. I don't think it was all your fault. It wasn't the best script.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Bedtime Stories. You Don't Mess with the Zohan. At this point, it's like you're writing random script ideas on a dartboard and throwing darts while drunk and then making a movie of whatever the dart hits. Did you honestly think any of these were a good idea? NO, I didn't SEE them! That's not the POINT! Did anyone see them? They're EMBARRASSING! Your NAME is on these! Every time I go to the goddamn hair salon they're playing You Don't Mess with the Zohan on some sort of Satanic endless loop and I want to throw myself into the hot wax vat to get away from how AWFUL it looks! Please make it stop!

Also, were you trying to be pro-gay-rights with I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, or make fun of gay people? Because I found it really derogatory, in a childish "hee hee GAY PEOPLE they have GAY SEX" way, and I just wonder if that was on purpose? Because really? You were 41 when you made this. You work in the entertainment industry. Which, I'm assuming, if it's anything like the theater industry, is heavily populated with gay people. So you were just ok with being third-grade giggly about people you probably work with on a daily basis? Hmm.

The cracks in our relationship, Adam, are growing wider and wider. You see that, right?

I went to the theater for Funny People. But honestly, I went for Seth Rogen, and because it looked like it would be a drama. One moment got to me - the one near the beginning where your character was looking over videos of his career. Because there were actual videos of your actual career in there. When you were funny. Back before - well, whatever all of this is happened. So I cried, there. Because I missed you.

Otherwise, again? More donkey-dick suckage.

Just Go With It - no thanks, I don't think I will. The Zookeeper? Um. No. No, no. Talking animals? No.

Honestly, until today, I thought, Adam and I, we're cool. He'll keep making these generic, stupid movies and I'll go on ignoring them as well as I can and it will always be a sore spot, but I'll always love him.

Well, until today. Until I saw THE PICTURE.

Really? REALLY? This - this is heretofore unknown DEPTHS of suck. I can't even DESCRIBE how disturbing this is to me. WHO TOLD YOU THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. This isn't even a Freaky Friday-like thing. Do you know what this is? This movie should be subtitled "A man! In a dress! Isn't that the FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF? Right? Right? I mean, it's a MAN! In WOMEN'S CLOTHES! OMG, HA HA HA!"

Adam. ADAM! I'm sorry. I just can't. I can't anymore.

Don't you remember your own quote from Happy Gilmore? "Why you don't you just go HOME? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME?" Your home is stupid but well-written and very quotable comedies, romantic comedies, and we KNOW you can pull off drama, if it's written and directed well. Go home, Adam.

Your home is not cross-dressing movies. Your home is also not the next two movies you have coming out, which IMDb tells me are something called I Hate You Dad where you're either playing Leighton Meester's dad or her boyfriend (please don't let it be her boyfriend, babe, you're 45 years old and she's barely out of Juicy sweatpants) and the voice of Dracula in Hotel Transylvania (I don't know and I don't want to know what's going on there.)

Adam. ADAM! I'm sorry. Stop begging. It's not becoming. IT IS OVER. I will cherish our time together. It will always mean so much to me. When one of your movies comes on, I will watch it and smile. (Unless it was made after 2002, then I'm changing the channel, sorry, nostalgia doesn't mean I have to sit through garbage.) 

Please know I will always love that young man who sang "Hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders, navy beans, navy beans, navy beans, navy beans." It's like he was singing into my soul.

Oh, and watch out for Cruise. I assume you had some lip-action with little Joey Potter in your upcoming movie; ask Matt Lauer, Cruise can be MEAN. He'll get ALL up in your grill. He's got the power of CRAZY on his side, dude. Best run if you see that train a'comin'.

All my best, but please stop calling me, because I totally mean it, we're through,


1 comment:

  1. I wonder if Matt and Trey will give him the Rob Schneider treatment.


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