Thursday, August 25, 2011

"Don't Fear the Reaper?" Oh, ok, then, NOW I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I’m pretty sure the apocalypse is upon us. No, not the zombie apocalypse. Although don’t rule those suckers out. Just when you think they’re not coming, that’s when they’re waiting outside your house to eat your brains. No, just the regular, everyday apocalypse, because there are SIGNS, people. APOCALYPTAL SIGNS. 

I just looked up what signs of the apocalypse are, because I didn’t pay attention to that part in church. No, actually, it’s not that I didn’t pay attention, it’s that we never really talked about that. Back in the day, churches were more about fire and brimstone. Now they’re more about Bingo night and not letting gays marry because talk about a sign of end times, whoo! THAT’S something we’ve got to look out for – PEOPLE IN LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER. 

So, for those of you that need a primer, Google and Wikipedia handily tell me that there are Seven Seals (no, not the cute animals that we’re always worried will get clubbed, and not Heidi Klum’s husband, either) and each of these seals, in end times, are opened, and bring a different judgment upon the world. Here are the judgments: 

First Seal - White horse (conquest)
Second Seal - Red Horse (war)
Third Seal  - Black Horse (famine)
Fourth Seal  - Green or Pale Horse (death)
Fifth Seal  - Vision of martyrs
Sixth Seal  - Cosmic disturbances: sun turns black, moon turns blood red; sealing of the 144,000
Seventh Seal  - Prelude To The 7 Trumpets of 7 Angels & The Final Judgment 

Well. THIS is distressing. There are horses, apparently? That’s enough to scare anyone to death, right there, with this gaily-colored carnival horses prancing around. Also, since when, Wikipedia, is Death’s horse “green”? I’ve only ever heard “pale.” Hmm. Also, “vision of martyrs,” in case you were wondering, means we’ll see martyrs weeping and wailing and wandering around, then there’s all this insane meteorological nonsense that’s going to have the weathermen, who can’t even tell me when it’s raining (no, seriously, the other day it was storming like a mother and the weatherman came on and said “it’s clear and sunny today” and I screamed at the television “DON’T YOU HAVE  WINDOW TO LOOK OUT OF???”) all up in arms (“Today, it’s…um…very dark? There’s no sun. So…it might be night? I don’t know. I don’t have a window. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE MOON I’M SORRY FOR THAT TIME I SHOPLIFTED.”) Apparently the 144,000 is the people who will be raptured. I don’t like my odds, there. There are a LOT of people in the world. Math skills tell me, using current population statistics, I have a .002% chance of being raptured. Damn. Guess I’m in for the long haul. And then there are all kinds of sevens, and angels, and brass bands, and what have you. 

OK, so that’s what the BIBLE tells you. Fine. Here’s what I know: there has been some weird shit going down RIGHT HERE WHERE I LIVE so I’m pretty sure we’re in end times. Just wanted to give you all a heads-up because I love you so. 

The Seven Bearcats of the Apocalypse (listen, if the Bible gets seals, I want bearcats, they smell like popcorn. POPCORN! An animal that has a pheromone that is like popcorn. I LOVE THIS. And that way we’d also totally know the apocalypse is upon us by the delicious scent of movie theaters past!) 

First Bearcat: The Great Earthquake of 2011 

Listen, I TOTALLY ALMOST DIED. Well, except for the fact I didn’t know it was happening. I was in my car, where I go to eat lunch a lot because I don’t want to eat in the lunchroom because then I’d have to socially interact with my coworkers, and who wants that? and I was parked in a drugstore parking lot next to a construction site. And my car started shaking, and I thought, “MAN that construction site is RUDE. I’m totally trying to eat my turkey sandwich here in peace and IT’S SHAKING MY WHOLE CAR.” And this went on for about thirty seconds and then stopped and I kept shooting dirty looks at the backhoe across the street and thinking if I worked at this drugstore and I had to keep putting things back on the shelf because of the backhoe for minimum wage I’d go over there on their lunchbreak and put Nair in their hardhats or something. Then I went on Twitter twenty minutes later and I start seeing “OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT” and “DID WE JUST HAVE AN EARTHQUAKE” and realized I JUST HAD A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE. This made me want to get my ducks in a row, and call all my loved ones, and make up a will, and start living, you know? Because who knows how long you have, man? Life! It is precious! But then I just ate my yogurt and played Yahtzee on my phone for a little while and that feeling passed.

Second Bearcat: Garbage Cake

We had a wedding shower here at the office last week, because why work when you can have a party? And we bought a big cake from the grocery store. And we only ate half of it. So that cake sat on the breakroom table for five days, getting super-hard, and people were still eating it, which both fascinated and disgusted me, and then one day, I went in and the cake was in the garbage. SOMEONE THREW AWAY HALF A SHEET CAKE WITH BUTTERCREAM FROSTING. Uneaten cake. Do you need further proof that rivers of blood are no doubt next?  

Third Bearcat: My Cats Have Been Acting Weird 

OK, if you know my cats, you know this isn’t out of the ordinary, but I’m pretty sure they know something’s up? Because last night, they were INSANE. Like, jumping and leaping and making noises that, spelled out phonetically, would be something like “Gracckkkacckkkgruffumack!” and coming to the bathroom door and meowing politely like a kitty butler might if he were wondering if I wanted a martini while bathing, and then when I opened the door to see what was up, looking at me with CRAZY EYES and running away? So I’m pretty sure they’re seeing those ghostly martyrs we talked about above. Or they’re just nuts. I really could go either way on this one. 

Fourth Bearcat: Someone on Facebook Said There’s A Hurricane Happening Here Right Now

Except when I went outside it was just kind of windy? And the weatherman said we’re supposed to get the hurricane effects on Sunday? But listen, NO ONE ON FACEBOOK IS EVER WRONG OR EXAGGERATEY. Hurricane three days before it was supposed to be here? TOTAL SIGN OF JUDGMENT DAY.

Fifth Bearcat: The Crow Remake 

Cara knows about this, too, so listen, I’m not alone in this. They’re remaking The Crow. WITH MARKY MARK WAHLBERG. “You killed my girlfriend? Oh, well. Say hello to your mother for me!” END TIMES. 

Sixth Bearcat: The television show Hoarders 

I’m pretty sure that this is what the Bible was talking about when it mentioned “cosmic disturbances.” So gross I just want to die and also scrub myself until I have no skin and then die again. 


JUDGMENT DAY, BOZOS. You know who’s going down? People who park so close to your driver’s side door in the parking lot that you have to get in your passenger side and slide over in order to drive out; people who won’t get out of the fast lane on the highway and putt along going 50 no matter what the state of the rest of the highway is; the guy who has the dog I see all the time who’s trained to bark at everyone who walks past and it’s a very busy street so the poor thing barks itself hoarse every single day and, from what I can tell, it’s guarding a burned-out husk of a muscle car and a rusted swingset; people who think pleather is a good idea; people who send you a message on Twitter that says “CAN I GET A #FOLLOWBACK LOL”, and those people in the mall who follow you around trying to put that sea salt scrub on your hands.

It’s not too late, though. You’ve already taken the first step! You’ve admitted that the apocalypse is nigh. I’m sorry to have ruined your day. If it’s any consolation, I’m sure SOMEONE you know will be raptured! Won’t that be nice for them? 

What is that? Popcorn? I think I smell popcorn.

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