Like, what will happen when they come? Not if. I’m fairly sure it’s a when. Because somehow zombies are a lot more believable to me than vampires or werewolves or other Big Bads. Zombies are rooted in reality. I mean, have you ever sat in a conference room at 8am with a bunch of accountants when the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet? They’re already zombies. It’s not much of a stretch from the 8am conference room to post-apocalyptic America and those same people shambling around moaning for your brains.
Sometimes this worries me. I mean, I don’t know if I would survive the zombies. If they’re fast zombies, I am totally screwed. Like the zombies in 28 Days Later. Those things scared the hell out of me. Fast zombies? Oh HELL no. Not at ALL fair. Like, sneak-attack fast zombies? No thank you. I might as well just throw in the towel now if there are fast zombies. Because listen, I am not fast. And I am clumsy. Majorly clumsy. So if I tried to escape from the fast zombies, I would not be able to outrun them, and also I would fall down trying. Which would make for a good comedy, but wouldn’t be so good for my life expectancy.
But then I think, hey, I have some skills. I have some coveted skills that, given slow, plodding, unable-to-plan zombies, might allow me to survive for a little while in a world overrun by the undead.
WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE WHEN AMERICA IS INEVITABLY OVERRUN BY ZOMBIES
1. I am very good with guns and knives. This is a true fact! You might not think it is, but I guarantee you, I not only know how to shoot a gun, I am fairly accurate with them, have a basic idea how to load them, and really kind of enjoy them. I don’t get all squeamish and weird about them. I know they kick and can hurt your shoulder. I know you don’t hold them sideways like movie gangstas. My father made sure I could handle a gun from a very young age; little did he know that someday this will come in handy when I will have to blow the head off a zombie who is coming for me and I won’t even flinch. I also know a lot about knives, and very seldom cut myself with them while using them. However, I cannot shave my legs without looking like I’ve walked through a field of barbed wire. No, I don’t know what’s going on there either.
2. I have no problem killing, cleaning and cooking cute wittle animals. I can fish and hunt and don’t go “aw! Bambi!” I mean, I don’t get doing it for fun – I’m not a latent serial killer or anything – but if it comes down to us having to use our survival skills because the zombies have totally overrun the grocery stores and are waiting all slack-jawed for us to come in and see if there are any canned goods left, I’m your woman.
3. I am kind of a hoarder. I am really good with coupons, and therefore, have a ton of things that I’ve gotten for free or close to free from Rite Aid. No, not like the crazy people on Extreme Couponing. I don’t have 214 boxes of pasta. (As an aside, I watched this for the first time recently, and it made me angry. NO ONE NEEDS 214 BOXES OF PASTA. Also, one of the women was stocking up on 40 jars of sauce and 40 boxes of pasta and her adorable moptopped kid was all, “Mommy look at this box of Fruit by the Foot can we get this?” and she turned on him all rabid-eyed and snapped “WE DON’T HAVE A COUPON FOR THAT.” Um, yeah, I’m thinking maybe your priorities are a little messed up if you can’t spend $3 on simulated fruit snacks for your kiddo but you can buy 86 kajillion bottles of handsoap and crow over them, “We won’t have to buy handsoap for FIVE YEARS!” Well, in five years, your child will be all Cat’s in the Cradle and you’ll be sobbing “why, why me”, while obsessively washing your hands with free handsoap, chica. Good times.) But anyway, we can totally barter with my stash. I have a lot of lotion and razors and bodywash, which will be like GOLD after the zombies show up. And we can trade them for things we need like canned soup. Plus we will smell nice and be clean-shaven if we so desire.
4. I know a lot of things about zombies. I know how to kill them; I know the safest places to hide from them; I know their habits; I know their weaknesses. Now, I know you’re thinking, if you know so much, why don’t you tell me? Otherwise, how do I KNOW you know, you know? You’d like that, wouldn’t you. Well, no. Because then YOU will be in demand as an Apocalypse partner, and I have to keep my stock high. I don’t like people, but I know there’s safety in numbers, jackhole. If you want my zombie knowledge, you can just come seek me out when the zombies are here. Or watch and read all the zombie literature and movies you can get your hands on, I suppose. But good luck sifting through what’s real and what’s false. You want that, you come and find me on Zombie Day.
5. I have a lot of obscure knowledge about things that will come in handy. I know you need to boil creek water before drinking it. Do you know why? BECAUSE YOU CAN CATCH BEAVER FEVER. Yes, that’s really a thing. My father says so and he’s really smart about outdoors stuff. No, I don’t know exactly what Beaver Fever does to you, although I could look it up on Wikipedia if I didn’t want to preserve the mystery of such a magical disease, and yes, every time he says it I laugh because it sounds like something a redneck would say right before he went into a singles bar (“Hope I get lucky tonight, boys, I got me the Beaver Fever!”) But the fact is, I KNOW ABOUT BEAVER FEVER. Are you wondering what else I might know about? Things. Lots of things. Things that we will need to know in order to survive the zombies.
6. I don’t get cold that easily. See, we’re probably going to be freezing, once the winter comes and there’s no electricity because the people that run the power plants are brain-hungry masses of the undead. So we’re going to have to build fires and huddle together for warmth and such and there’s always going to be one person who’s constantly whining about how cold it is. Nope, see, not me. Because I am like a little furnace. I am ALWAYS HOT. Probably it’s because I don’t have a thyroid and that kind of regulates your temperature, but who cares? I will not be the whiny too-cold person. And that person is ANNOYING. And not someone you want on your team.
7. I am an excellent fire-builder. I build and maintain an excellent fire. Like, the kind of fire people ooh and aah over. It’s kind of a gift I have. I am very good at it. You will want someone who can build a fire when you’re freezing. Also, how will you cook your food without me? You won’t, that’s how. Try eating cold beans from a can for a week, see how badly you want me along then.
8. I am very good at thinking of alternate solutions to problems. If you can’t figure out how to do something, I can probably come up with a solution. And it probably won’t work, because I’m not omniscient, damn. But a lot of times, my weird solutions that can’t help anyone make you think of something that will help, and then you will take all the credit. And I will totally let you. YOU’RE WELCOME.
9. I am full of inappropriate humor that will lighten the gloom. Things are not going to be cheery, what with the zombies that want to eat our brains, and no electricity and therefore no hot showers, and our loved ones most likely dead or inaccessibly far away, and we’ll have no cable television SO HOW WILL WE WATCH VH1 CELEBREALITY, and our cell phones won’t work and even if they did, who would we talk to, ZOMBIES? I don’t think so, what would they talk about, the best places to get BRAINS or something? I can’t imagine zombies could type on those little keyboards, either. Well, maybe the fast zombies. Goddamn you, fast zombies. And there’s death waiting for us around every corner, and that annoying “I’m too COLD!” person whining and moaning, and what have you. Listen, I am all about inappropriate humor. I will say something along the lines of, “Wish I could have seen my boss’s face when a zombie chomped on him! Way to be a dickhead NOW, Zombie Boss,” and that will make you laugh. Or, on the other hand, the kooky sidekick is usually the first one to go in the horror movies, for whatever reason. So if nothing else, I will be the distraction you need to escape the zombies while they are eating me up. Wait! Come back here, jackass! No man left behind!
10. I am very good with animals. I think it would behoove us to have some pets. Probably dogs. Although horses might be handy. Or cows and chickens, if we could stay in one place long enough for that to be feasible. I guess it would depend on the zombies, and if they would leave us alone long enough to set up a little farm. Anyway. I am good with animals. Animals like me. I think because they can sense I like them more than most people. Because I truly do. So we could totally get a gang of pit bulls, which I am very, very good with, having worked at the Humane Society for two years, and they would protect us from the zombies, or at least bark when then zombies were coming, and give us time to protect ourselves. Although this plan might backfire on me, because I don’t see how I could leave my animals behind, and therefore I would be eaten while going back for my animals. I guess we could just not tie them up and let them fend for themselves. Yeah, I think that’s the way to go. See? PROBLEM SOLVED. I am really awesome at this already.
11. I am constantly filled with rage that can be harnessed toward zombie slaughter. You know how there's always that person in the movie that goes all berzerk and kills a bunch of people in a righteous haze of fury? I get that way about BAD DRIVERS. I get that way about RUDE PEOPLE IN THE GROCERY STORE. So just imagine how righteous my bad-ass rage will be when faced WITH AN ACTUAL THREAT. Harness my rage UP, folks. I will be a ZOMBIE KILLING MACHINE.
So, as you can see, if you ignore the fact that I really have no athletic skills whatsoever, and hate people, and hate most canned foods, and if I go more than a week without a hot shower or internet access I kind of turn into a crazy person, and need a lot of prescription medications to live? I would TOTALLY BE AN ASSET ONCE THE ZOMBIES COME. So make sure you include me in your plans for the Apocalypse. But let me know, because I’m going to have to be very selective. I mean, I can’t just hang out with ANYONE. This isn’t a RAVE. It’s the APOCALYPSE. A girl’s gotta have STANDARDS.