From what I can
tell (and I might be wrong, and it might have some sort of deep meaning, I don’t
know) the song seems to be about the singer trying to convince the person she’s
singing to that she’s “special.”
The way she’s
going about this would, most definitely, convince the person that she is,
indeed, “special” – but not the kind of special I think she’s going for.
The way she goes
about making the person notice her special-ness:
“Gonna use my
arms, gonna use my legs, gonna use my style, gonna use my sidestep, gonna use
my fingers, gonna use my imagination.”
Um. OK, so is
she dancing? Dancing to get his attention? Get yourself a good mental picture of
this woman. The guy isn’t paying her any heed. All of a sudden, she starts
flailing her arms around. Then her legs. Then using her “style” somehow – I don’t
know, catwalking, maybe? Then her SIDESTEP. This is my favorite. Her sidestep. I just think of this guy
sitting on a couch at a party, chatting with a normal girl or something, and a
girl (who, in my mind, looks like Dawn Weiner from Welcome to the Dollhouse) starting to sidestep back and forth in
front of him like you’re taught in elementary-school gym class. Then fingers –
I guess snapping? Snapping while sidestepping? Then it gets even better,
because she starts using her imagination.
Because doing all of those other things wasn’t imaginative enough! No, no. Now
it’s time to do something IMAGINATIVE. Like maybe come out dressed as a fairy
princess, or start talking in tongues, or stand on a table and do backflips.
This all has the
desperate stench of desperation to me.
But don’t worry!
We’re not done. After repeating over and over and OVER “I’m special! I’m
special! SO SPECIAL! There’s NO ONE HERE LIKE ME!” (um, yeah, well, we can
thank our lucky stars for that, I think, because there’s only so much room for
crazies in this particular crazytown) and just BEGGING him for a minute of his
time – “I gotta have some of your attention! GIVE IT TO ME!”, she comes out
with this:
“I got rhythm, I
can’t miss a beat, I gotta new skank so reet, got something, I’m winking at
you, I’m gonna MAKE YOU NOTICE.”
WHAT THE HELL IS
A REET.
Is it supposed
to be “right” but that didn’t rhyme with “beat” so she went with “reet” or is
reet really a thing that crazy attention-whores have? What the hell? And she’s
got a new skank so reet? Is this code? Is this insane crazy 80s code? Because I
was 6 when this song came out so the only code I knew was slang words for the
toilet and whatever they were currently teaching me on The Electric Company. Are there any people reading this who were
old enough in 1980 that would understand what the hell a reety skank is?
Someone explain, please. I am at a loss, here. I think it’s important I know.
Then I watched
the above video. Now, I can’t watch videos at work with the sound on, because there
is no sound at my computer. There is video, but no audio. So it’s like a
dumbshow, and I have to guess what’s going on from context and mummery.
What I guessed
from the context of this video but not the sound because I HAVE NO SOUND:
- Chrissie Hynde had rockin’ eyeliner and was a total fox. I am not being sarcastic. She was gorgeous.
- I’m glad I wasn’t old enough in 1980 to deal with the men with teased and hairsprayed hair situation. How could you take that seriously? That is not sexy.
- I enjoyed that during the “special” part the men in the diner pointed at “special” on the menu. Smart! Also, kind of like closed-captioning for me!
- She was not sidestepping at all. I think that was a missed opportunity. Although she was kind of badass so I bet if they asked her to sidestep she might have shivved them.
- The scene where the high-haired men’s girlfriends came in was kind of distressing, because the making out was gross. Who does that in a diner in the middle of the day? Put that tongue away.
- Chrissie Hynde could have done better than any of those men in the video.
- After watching the video, I’m kind of having a disconnect between Chrissie Hynde and the person that would be singing this song. Because listen, Chrissie Hynde would NOT be singing this song. Chrissie Hynde would be singing a song about kicking asses and taking names and leaving in the middle of the night after she’d finished with you and you’d wake up in the morning and she would have stolen your wallet but you’d be too scared to go to the cops about it because she would come back and bite you and look fabulous while she did it. I have a crush on 1980 Chrissie Hynde right now.
Has anyone ever
listened to the lyrics of that Pina Colada song? Fine, I know, I know it has a
name. The real name of that song is Escape
(The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes. The reason I know this song so
well is because once I worked on a show where the song was one of the five
songs in the pre-show music, which we had in a loop, and the show ran for three
weeks, and I’d have to listen to it on average 3-5 times a night. I think I
know every single lyric to this song. This song and that awful, horrible,
sappy, maudlin Seasons in the Sun
bullshit thing. It was a nightmare, the music in that show.
In case you’re
not aware, let me give you Cliff’s Notes version of the Pina Colada song.
A man gets bored
with his wife (so, seriously, the song starts with “I was tired of my lady” so
that’s totally sensitive), so behind her back, he answers a personal ad. The
personal ad reads thusly: “If you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the
rain, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you’d like making
love at midnight in the dunes on the Cape, then I’m the love that you’ve looked
for, write to me and escape.” So hey, he thinks, I’m totally bored of my old
ball and chain, I will answer this! And he does. Guess who the special lady is?
BAM IT’S HIS OWN WIFE. Bet you never saw THAT coming, sucka! Then the spice is
back in their life because I guess they’re going to have drunken non-flexible
sandy sex or whatever, I don’t know.
This song is
upsetting! It is about cheaters! But no one is mad because EVERYONE is a
cheater. So it all works out well! If I was a Cheaty McCheaterson, and I
answered an ad (ok, but I wouldn’t answer THIS ad, because this person sounds
like a WEIRDO, “half” a brain? Way to sell yourself short, lady-friend) and it
was the person I was trying to “escape” from, probably I’d take the opportunity
to say, hey, special friend, let’s take this as a sign we should break it off,
no hard feelings, ok bye then? No sandy sex and frozen beverages for me.
Also, Seasons in the Sun is about someone who’s
dead and singing to the people he left behind on earth and it is SAPPY and it
makes you want to stick KNITTING NEEDLES through your EARDRUMS and it keeps
going up a chord in a weird, jarring, funhouse way, and it repeats, over and
over, “We had JOY, we had FUN, we had SEASONS! In the SUN!” and after that play
was over I was like one of Pavlov’s dogs when I heard that song, I wanted to
yell “places” and sit backstage and cover my ears and rock and beat my head
against a flat while wearing a headset.
So, what have we
learned today? In the 80s, you apparently got people to notice you by
SIDESTEPPING. If you were female. If you were male, you wore a lot of
hairspray. And Chrissie Hynde was a total babe. Also, and this is important,
and if you remember nothing else, remember this, please: sandy sex is painful,
yo. CHAFING. At least bring a towel or something. Damn.
Psst... my understanding was that Chrissie Hynde kinda hated that song and really doesn't get why it became a big hit, but will perform just because IT IS REQUIRED OF THE FANS. (And I'm not sure that lyric is "skank so reet", but...)
ReplyDeleteAlso, YES with the Pina Colada Song. We had that on a Pottery Barn CD back when I was working there, and one day, after weeks of tuning the damn thing out, I really listened to it, and I giggled. Then I thought it through and I was appalled! You answered an ad to CHEAT on your woman, who placed the ad to CHEAT on you... and this is all okay? WTF?
Might having something to do with my being cheated on, though...