This is why we can't have nice things.

OK, even though it was very clearly stated NOT to take the personality test, two people asked me if they could take it. (Well, not so much “asked” as said “let’s take this and make her grade it!”) As they are both lovely people (but obviously cannot follow directions like the ones that stated don’t take this, it isn’t a real test) I agreed that I would accept and grade their answers. However, I gave them the caveat that I could not guarantee that their very, very scientific personality analysis would not end up on my blog. And as I am not a person who welshes on either a promise or a vague threat…

I’m going to give them both aliases, so they are anonymous. I am doing this for a couple of reasons: 1. Because, as a very serious scientific person, it would be unethical to do otherwise; and 2. Because what if I were to be sued? Damn, I don’t even have enough money for gas this week.

Analysis #1: “TDL”

TDL, from the yes or no portion of the quiz, I see that you have anger issues and pretend to care about very serious social issues. Perhaps you should try listening to soothing music, or joining a nice bonsai trimming class. Wouldn’t that be so calming? I mean, can you even think of anything more sincerely calming? Oh, wait, I’m looking at your answers more in-depth and I’m thinking that you shouldn’t have even the little scissors that come with those teeny trees, so the class is probably off the table now. But totally check out that music.

Also, Duckie was gay. He was just in denial. It’s ok to have had a crush on him, though. I did, too, a little.

And you get +1 for not getting the “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” reference. It’s from a Kelis song, which I think is about sex. Or dairy products, but with lyrics like “you want me to teach the techniques that freaks these boys” I think probably sex. Also, that grammar is terrible, but the rhyme scheme is kind of catchy.

From the multiple choice section, I see that you are actually a little more caring than the quiz was testing for. So probably you think you’re too good for my test, is that it? What, you think you’re better than my test? Fine. Just – no. Just, fine. A+, you’re the best. Happy now?

You redeemed yourself with the short-answer portion by arguing back with me. This showed spunk, and anyone as scientifically skilled as I am knows that means you are strong and capable. Or possibly a psychopath. But there’s always room for error in these quizzes. I wouldn’t go sharpening your machete or anything.

And finally, your answer to the essay portion was grammatically correct, so kudos.

Your analysis: You, TDL, are an Ambiguously Dissociative Kinesthetic. ADK’s, as they are known in very serious scientific circles, like hats with feathers in them, punching things, alphabet magnets, and furries. They are good in professions both working with and without people, and are only 14% more likely to go on a murder spree than the normal person. Huzzah!

Analysis #2: “A”

A, from the yes-or-no portion of the quiz, I can see you like using pretty colors, fonts and text effects. This indicates that you are proficient in Microsoft Word, and probably like Bill Gates a lot. What it indicates about you psychologically? Sheesh, way to bring me back to task. Fine. I see that in your answers, you answered much in the way I would have answered. This indicates to me that you are very, very psychologically disturbed, and should probably seek treatment immediately. I can’t really be held responsible for what happens if you don’t.

You get major points for noticing a typo I made: “douche falls” was not meant to be there, it was supposed to be “douchey falls” but apparently my spell check didn’t like the word “douchey.” I can’t imagine why. I have since gone back in and changed it. In typing this paragraph, my spell check has attempted to change this word twice more. Why are you trying to harsh my buzz, spell check? Dude.

Your interest in Ed Hardy shirts is troubling. I think there’s a support group for that.

Your answers to the multiple choice indicate that you like to fly in the face of convention. I note this because you wrote your own choices. I can only assume this is because the answers were not good enough for you? Both you and TDL think you are too good for my quiz. As a very scientific person all I can say is you are a poopyhead!

(Also, completely off the subject, you wrote a book? More information is required, please. And wow!)

Your answers to the short-answer section were also quite strong and innovative. This shows you to be brave, or possibly foolhardy. Not to be confused with Ed Hardy. I can’t get that out of my head. A! Really? Ed Hardy shirts? This is going to reflect badly in your final analysis.

And, finally, your essay answer. This worries me, A. I think perhaps it indicates that you have a split personality. Also, the grammar was atrocious. But points for using the names “Orangello” and “Lemonjello” because they are my favorite urban legend baby names ever.

Your analysis: You, A, are a Libidinous Perceptual Trichromatic. LPT’s, as they are known in very serious scientific circles, like the color periwinkle, pleather, tattoos of cartoon tigers, and small bags of marbles.  They are good in professions where money is not involved, as they will both steal and eat it, and are only 74% more likely to go on a murder spree than the normal person (this is due to the Ed Hardy portion of your results. I told you that would be important later.) Double huzzah!

Thank you both for your answers. Disclaimer: although I am a very serious scientific person who used the most up-to-date scoring mechanisms to score this test, I cannot be held responsible for what happens if you live your life by its principles. In other words, don’t be a dumbass, and take responsibility for your own shit (which, by the way, is really my life’s motto, and should be everyone’s.)