Google search results for "rode hard, put away wet" make me need a Silkwood shower.

I love language. Irrationally, actually. There's nothing that I like more than discovering new slang, or a new turn of phrase, or a word that I didn't know existed, or making a word out of two other words. I find the English language a beautiful, beautiful thing.

I try to be precise with it. I mean, sure, I slang it up. Who doesn't? You don't want to sound like a robot-person, or a person who still calls the fridge the icebox. I also love to add "y" to the end of things where it doesn't belong, like "cringey" and "stabby" because it entertains me, and you can do that, with English. It is a very generous and giving language, overall. I can see how it would be hard for non-English speakers to learn, though. People who grew up with the language still have problems with it, and they've never spoken anything else. We don't make it easy on others. It's our can-do pioneer attitude. We have the hardest language! We are a super-cool impenetrable club!

I read a lot, so a lot of words I only recognize on the page, and have no idea how to pronounce in real-life situations. (I love that the dictionary online pronounced words for you. I made it repeat the word "kudzu" over and over when I was reading a Poppy Z. Brite book a few years back because the word was like carbonation against your eardrum. So peppy and poppy and fizzy!) I also am old, and, despite how I come across, somewhat naive in the millions of ways people can be pervy, so often, double-entendres get lost on me. (Last week, I had no idea what I was implying when I said someone could "take me anywhere, because I would be the most fun to take anywhere." I wasn't thinking of the "take me, take me now" definition. I know. I need to get out of the petticoat generation, already.)

Last weekend, I was visiting family, and we were getting ready to go somewhere. I hadn't yet prepared to leave the house - it wasn't that long ago I had been awakened by the dulcet tones of The Nephew screaming to the top of his adorable little lungs at 6 a.m. - so I said, and I quote, "Give me a few minutes to get ready. I can't go anywhere like this. I look like I've been rode hard and put away wet right now."

Dead silence from the people (my brother, his girlfriend, my father) in the room.

The following conversation ensued:

Brother: Amy, you can't say that.

Me: What? Why?

Brother: Because that's about whores.

Me: What? No. HORSES.

GF: No. He's right. Whores.

Father: Yes. Whores. How do you not know that? You always know these things.

Me: No, horses. And also if you look like you're jacked up and need to get prettied.

Brother: No. Whores. You know, they were RODE HARD. Then PUT AWAY WET.

Me: Oh. Um. Um - I. No, I think horses? Because when people call the vet clinic when I'm working at the answering service, sometimes they talk about problems with their horses, and one of them I'm pretty sure has to do with not drying off your horse correctly.

GF: This is the best conversation ever. I love this.

Brother: Whores are RODE HARD. Then they are WET.

Me: Yeah, if you are perverted.

Father: Or normal.

Me: HORSES.

(Note - I am not sure how to take my father saying "I always know about these things." I hope he meant idiomatic phrases and the joys of the English language and not whore lingo. WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THIS DADDY.)

After this, I was a little distressed. I mean, I don't use this phrase on a regular basis - it's not something I say as often as "Nice day, right?" or "Someone took all the goddamned letterhead out of the copier AGAIN? Are they building a FORT with that stuff? What the HELL?" but I've said it on a number of occasions. Did everyone I was ever saying this to think I was calling myself a whore? Did they laugh about this behind my back, that I wasn't aware of the genesis of this idiom? Was this about whores? If so, why did people in cowboy novels use it to refer to their horses, and then why did crappy gossip blogs use it to talk about oh, I don't know, Courtney Love? (Sorry, Courtney. I still adore you, Courtney.)

So, as I do, I did research, and then a very scientific poll. I know! I really should open up some sort of super-sexy serious research facility.

And this time, I made a PIE CHART. I come bearing PROFESSIONAL GRAPHICS. From a FREE WEBSITE THAT MAKES THESE THINGS. (I am fairly sure no one ever typed "whores" into the free site. It kept asking me if that was spelled right.)

Responses to "What's the first thing you think of when you hear the phrase 'rode hard, put away wet'?"

OK, so let's analyze these responses. As you can see, the majority of people (not by much, but still) think horses. Not WHORES. Horses. This made me feel better.

Some interesting things I learned while doing this very scientific poll:

• The "your mom" person made me laugh so hard I spit-took diet lemonade.
• My book club was mostly horse people. My theater cast and crew was mostly whore people. Do what you will with that.
• One person told me I should, in the interest of science, put an ad on Craig's List for responses. I don't think anything I put on Craig's List about "riding" or "wet" would end well. I opted no on that one.
• I was not comfortable asking this on my Facebook page. I think because my Facebook people would not respect my very scientific endeavors. Twitter people are more scientific; Facebook people are more "I used Status Shuffle because I can't come up with a status on my own." Also my theater people were a captive audience - I'm their assistant director, what are they going to do, tell me to shut it? I could make them run laps for that. OK, not laps. The theatrical equivalent of laps. I could make them play theater games for that, like improv or mirror exercises.

The best response I got was from a very educated man I work with at the theater. He's one of those quiet and gruff people that nonetheless have complete and total authority when they speak. "It's from cowboy slang," he said. "It may have been recently bastardized to refer to something sexual, but originally, it referred to how it was unhealthy to ride a horse and then not cool it and dry it off before putting it in for the night."

Suck it, haters! It is NOT ONLY ABOUT WHORES. I also did research using my BFF, Google, who agrees with me - yes, sure, it now is used (as I did) to refer to someone who looks like they had a tough night of it and needs some freshening-up time, but originally it was used to refer to HORSES. Not WHORES. Not EXCLUSIVELY WHORES.

What we learned from this is that I have a metric shit-ton of free time on my hands and don't like my usage of the English language challenged.

Horses. HORSES. And Tara Reid that time her boob popped out and she didn't realize it.

This is why we can't have nice things.

OK, even though it was very clearly stated NOT to take the personality test, two people asked me if they could take it. (Well, not so much “asked” as said “let’s take this and make her grade it!”) As they are both lovely people (but obviously cannot follow directions like the ones that stated don’t take this, it isn’t a real test) I agreed that I would accept and grade their answers. However, I gave them the caveat that I could not guarantee that their very, very scientific personality analysis would not end up on my blog. And as I am not a person who welshes on either a promise or a vague threat…

I’m going to give them both aliases, so they are anonymous. I am doing this for a couple of reasons: 1. Because, as a very serious scientific person, it would be unethical to do otherwise; and 2. Because what if I were to be sued? Damn, I don’t even have enough money for gas this week.

Analysis #1: “TDL”

TDL, from the yes or no portion of the quiz, I see that you have anger issues and pretend to care about very serious social issues. Perhaps you should try listening to soothing music, or joining a nice bonsai trimming class. Wouldn’t that be so calming? I mean, can you even think of anything more sincerely calming? Oh, wait, I’m looking at your answers more in-depth and I’m thinking that you shouldn’t have even the little scissors that come with those teeny trees, so the class is probably off the table now. But totally check out that music.

Also, Duckie was gay. He was just in denial. It’s ok to have had a crush on him, though. I did, too, a little.

And you get +1 for not getting the “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” reference. It’s from a Kelis song, which I think is about sex. Or dairy products, but with lyrics like “you want me to teach the techniques that freaks these boys” I think probably sex. Also, that grammar is terrible, but the rhyme scheme is kind of catchy.

From the multiple choice section, I see that you are actually a little more caring than the quiz was testing for. So probably you think you’re too good for my test, is that it? What, you think you’re better than my test? Fine. Just – no. Just, fine. A+, you’re the best. Happy now?

You redeemed yourself with the short-answer portion by arguing back with me. This showed spunk, and anyone as scientifically skilled as I am knows that means you are strong and capable. Or possibly a psychopath. But there’s always room for error in these quizzes. I wouldn’t go sharpening your machete or anything.

And finally, your answer to the essay portion was grammatically correct, so kudos.

Your analysis: You, TDL, are an Ambiguously Dissociative Kinesthetic. ADK’s, as they are known in very serious scientific circles, like hats with feathers in them, punching things, alphabet magnets, and furries. They are good in professions both working with and without people, and are only 14% more likely to go on a murder spree than the normal person. Huzzah!

Analysis #2: “A”

A, from the yes-or-no portion of the quiz, I can see you like using pretty colors, fonts and text effects. This indicates that you are proficient in Microsoft Word, and probably like Bill Gates a lot. What it indicates about you psychologically? Sheesh, way to bring me back to task. Fine. I see that in your answers, you answered much in the way I would have answered. This indicates to me that you are very, very psychologically disturbed, and should probably seek treatment immediately. I can’t really be held responsible for what happens if you don’t.

You get major points for noticing a typo I made: “douche falls” was not meant to be there, it was supposed to be “douchey falls” but apparently my spell check didn’t like the word “douchey.” I can’t imagine why. I have since gone back in and changed it. In typing this paragraph, my spell check has attempted to change this word twice more. Why are you trying to harsh my buzz, spell check? Dude.

Your interest in Ed Hardy shirts is troubling. I think there’s a support group for that.

Your answers to the multiple choice indicate that you like to fly in the face of convention. I note this because you wrote your own choices. I can only assume this is because the answers were not good enough for you? Both you and TDL think you are too good for my quiz. As a very scientific person all I can say is you are a poopyhead!

(Also, completely off the subject, you wrote a book? More information is required, please. And wow!)

Your answers to the short-answer section were also quite strong and innovative. This shows you to be brave, or possibly foolhardy. Not to be confused with Ed Hardy. I can’t get that out of my head. A! Really? Ed Hardy shirts? This is going to reflect badly in your final analysis.

And, finally, your essay answer. This worries me, A. I think perhaps it indicates that you have a split personality. Also, the grammar was atrocious. But points for using the names “Orangello” and “Lemonjello” because they are my favorite urban legend baby names ever.

Your analysis: You, A, are a Libidinous Perceptual Trichromatic. LPT’s, as they are known in very serious scientific circles, like the color periwinkle, pleather, tattoos of cartoon tigers, and small bags of marbles.  They are good in professions where money is not involved, as they will both steal and eat it, and are only 74% more likely to go on a murder spree than the normal person (this is due to the Ed Hardy portion of your results. I told you that would be important later.) Double huzzah!

Thank you both for your answers. Disclaimer: although I am a very serious scientific person who used the most up-to-date scoring mechanisms to score this test, I cannot be held responsible for what happens if you live your life by its principles. In other words, don’t be a dumbass, and take responsibility for your own shit (which, by the way, is really my life’s motto, and should be everyone’s.)