Pop quiz: why is this thing obsessed with the last guy I kissed?

I am exhausted. Listen, it is Sunday! A person should not have to clean their entire apartment on Sunday! But I have people coming over tomorrow night, and I'm pretty sure they'd take one look at the place and say, NO! We are not cat-sitting for you while you are on vacation because there is a good chance we will get LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE! So I cleaned. Goddammit. But now I am exhausted, and I am fresh out of shiny blog ideas.

Then my teenage cousin put this thing up on her Facebook page.

You kids today, you do these things? I didn't do these things when I was a kid. They hadn't been invented yet, I guess. We were too busy inventing the cotton gin or something, I don't know. They seem like a colossal waste of time. So therefore, perfect for a Sunday when I have nothing of import to say! What's that, peanut gallery? I never have anything of import to say? Yeah, pipe down and bite me.

So, in honor of my teenage cousin, who is beautiful and intelligent and if we were the same age, would intimidate the hell out of me (who am I kidding, I've got about twenty years on the kiddo and she still intimidates the hell out of me, but I seem to amuse her since I'm old and jaded, so win? I guess?), here is a very important quiz she posted where you can learn all about me.

You're first love calls you what do you say?

Well, first I ask why you used the wrong version of the word "your" in your question, and shake my head about the fact that you're obviously not paying attention in English class. Also, this could use either a period or a semi-colon. Then I say, "Why are you calling me? How did you get this number? Is your wife aware you're calling me? I saw those photos of you on Facebook a while ago and I no longer have a crush on you, and you seem kind of dirty now?So goodbye, chump."

What grade were you in when you had your first real relationship?

Tenth. If you're nice, you call that a late bloomer. If you're a jerk you say I'm socially awkward. The second statement is the correct one.

You're first love calls you crying saying they need you to come over and you have a way there?

Um, seriously, are you going to keep using the wrong version of "your" in every question? This is already giving me a tension headache. Also, this question makes no sense. Are you asking if I have a way there? Yes. Yes I do. I am a grown-ass woman with a car. However, my "first love," as you so repeatedly squawk, lives 4 hours away, is married, and would never call me as I don't think we've spoken for over twenty years. And if he were to call me, I think I'd be confused as to why that was happening, because my "first love," as you, again, keep annoyingly asking, did not RETURN my very deep and abiding love. So, yeah. My answer is "I'm not coming, see ya, sucker."

What color is your underwear?

Really? Did a pervert make this up to find out what color my little cousin's panties were? None of your business. And I'm calling Chris Hansen. And even though underwear, if you're asking specifically about panties, is a single item, it's technically "ARE" your underwear, grammar ninja.

Do you like anyone right now?

I'm liking you less and less. 

Ever had your heartbroken?

Wow. Um, yeah, I've both been heartbroken, and had my heart broken. And I know how to use spaces in between my words correctly, so, you know, I'm awesome like that. STOP TEXTING AND PAY ATTENTION IN ENGLISH CLASS.

Who do you trust the most in your life?

Myself. Except where shiny things are involved. Then all is lost.

Who do you love most?

This is really a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings. And also, I don't know. I don't quantify things that way. I love a few people and in different ways. Whoever wrote this is kind of the most annoying. What's that? It's for teenagers? That doesn't mean it needs to suffer in quality. That's what's wrong with society; we keep giving our children sub-standard things and then they expect crap. Better quizzes for all! Start a petition!

Has a tragedy happened in your life?

Wow, way to be a mood-killer. "A tragedy?" Like, a mass-murder, or I lost my cell phone down a train toilet on my way to a field trip to the museum? Emo! Haven't sad things happened to everyone? 

Are you happy?

I will be as soon as I'm done this shit and I'm parked in front of Criminal Minds with a Popsicle. There is nothing that Dr. Spencer Reid can't cure. Side note - why is my spell-check capitalizing Popsicle? Is that a proper noun, like Kleenex? Someone trademarked Popsicle? Should I call them ice pops from now on or else I have to pay a surcharge of some sort?

How many good friends do you have?

Is it a contest? And by good, do you mean they are selfless and kind, or they're not acquaintances? And none of your business, stalker.

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?

Well, not CAN'T. It's not like my head explodes. It's not like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West and they're my bucket of Dorothy-water. But songs I CHOOSE not to listen to? Sure.

Ever been cheated on?

I don't keep them around long enough for that to be an issue.

Ever been told someone loved you?

By them? By a third party? Is this worded oddly to anyone else? I feel like my IQ level is dropping by the minute, here.

What is your idea of true love?

I want someone to carry my groceries in from the car for me. 

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe that kids and imbeciles and the people in The Notebook believe in that shit. I also believe it gets them in a lot of trouble. Lust at first sight, sure. Love at first sight? Nope. 

Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?

I got a hot emo hipster drummer drunk and made out with him at an 80's dance party and then he moved away and got married to someone else. Oh, you didn't ask "Are you still BITTER about the last person you kissed." Sorry about that. 

Your best friend kisses the guy/girl you like, what do you do?

I don't like anyone. Haven't I made that abundantly clear? I honestly loathe just about everyone. And I don't have a best friend. So if my THEORETICAL best friend kissed the THEORETICAL guy I liked, I guess I'd wonder about my stellar choices in both best friends and crush objects.

You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you?

Whoa. Creepy. Yes, I'm thinking, who the hell wrote this and HOW ARE YOU INSIDE MY BRAIN. Yep. As mentioned: thinking about Dr. Spencer Reid and how much I want to go to there.

Is there anything you’d like to say to someone, say it here?

I think I do that every day, don't I? Um, ok. Wow. Thanks for the permission. Awesome. Also, that comma usage leaves a lot to be desired. I'd like to say "Screw you for telling me in the third grade I needed to be quieter and let other people get better grades than me or no one would like me, third grade teacher I've forgotten the name of, because that was super-shitty advice and gave me a complex." Wow! Freeing! Hoorah!

Were you single on your last birthday?

Did you have teeth when you wrote this? Will you ten minutes from now? Keep asking nosy-ass rude rub-it-in-that-you're-forever-alone questions, and we'll see about that. 

What are the names of the last five people you hugged?

Let me pull out my LIST. What the hell? 

Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most?

True story: I read this as "do you still STALK the person who hurt you the most" and that made me laugh.

Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now?

Fear? 

Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?

No. I live in Rainbow Hollow, where everyone tells the truth always and forever and we ride magical unicorns to our jobs in the Gumdrop Forest. You dumbass. 

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?

Um. Yeah. It was a 60-some year old man I work with, and I have the wrong kind of plumbing for him to want to do any sort of hugging on me. So I'm gonna go with no on that, on so many levels.

Do you think you were an adorable little kid?

Absolutely. I peaked at age 5. Up until then, I was PRECIOUS.

When will your next kiss be?

Let me whip out my crystal ball and predict that the answer is the 5th of never. 

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?

You and I are on the outs at the moment.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?

Ugh. He doesn't THINK of me. I no longer EXIST to him. He is living in hipster NIRVANA with his hipster WIFE. Let it GO. You are more obsessed with him than you were with my "first twoooo wuvvvv" a while back. 

When was the last time you kissed that person?

I have a question for you, actually. When was the last time you fell asleep without fear? Because I can guarantee you, if you ask another stupid question like this, it will be the last time. I will come to your house and drown you in tapioca pudding, babe.

Have you ever had a best friend who was the opposite sex?

Hee hee! What a silly idea! Boys and girls can't be friends! Their naughty bits are different!

When was the last time you shot a dirty look at someone?

.000001 second ago. If by "someone" you mean my computer screen.

What’s in your pocket?

I'm not happy to see you, if that's what you're driving at. I know how you can be with your naughty wordplay.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?

Yep. Then I thought about keeping my job and practicality won out. 

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

TAPIOCA PUDDING. NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU SCREAM. 

Does anyone call you baby?

Absolutely, if you want to be kicked, stabbed or verbally assaulted, by all means, demean me with diminutive phraseology.

What if the last person you kissed called right now?

Oh, my. You are the reason unlisted phone numbers were created. Which I have. HE COULD NOT CALL ME HE DOES NOT REMEMBER ME OR HAVE MY NUMBER. 

Have you ever made out with somebody on a bed?

Is my father reading this? NO OF COURSE NOT. 

Would you go on a road trip with your friends?

WHAT? In a CAR? Would we LAUGH A LOT and EAT ROAD SNACKS and LISTEN TO FUN MUSIC? Who would EVER WANT TO DO THAT? 

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?

My attention span's waning here, honestly. THIS IS SO GODDAMN LONG. 

The person you fell hardest for says sorry, what do you do?

Call the cops and tell them I just murdered someone because I told him what would happen if I ever saw him again.

Are you drunk?

Yeah. It's 4:30pm on a Sunday? And I know in order to do this you'd think I probably would have had to imbibe something? But no. No, I'm as sober as a judge. Unfortunately.

What is it you’re doing right now?

What the hell...THIS. I AM DOING THIS. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE SEVENTEEN YEARS.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a K?

Let me check my hug list, I'm pretty sure my "people I've kissed listed by the first letter of their name" is right under that. 

Do you sleep on your stomach?

No. Because that is uncomfortable when you have grown-up breasts. 

So, the person you like, their name starts with a B, right?

WHAT IS GOING ON. 

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your girlfriend/boyfriend?

Yeah, I'd forgive them both right the hell out of my life. Bye! Hope you give each other the herp! 

Where did you get the pants your wearing?

My closet. Oh, before that? I have no idea. I think I probably found them on the ground somewhere and started wearing them. I have no sense of fashion at all. Seriously. None. It's kind of embarrassing how little I care. 

What's your plans for the next 2 weeks?

What ARE my plans, you mean, of course, correct? And why do you ask? You're totally going to wall me up in my basement behind some stones, aren't you, all Poe-style. Dammit.

Do you act differently around the person you like?

I totally punch him on the playground. That's how he KNOWS I dig him! 

Is there someone that you find yourself constantly changing for?

Billy Joel told me not to go changin', to try to please him, and I always listen to Billy Joel, because Billy Joel also promised me that Captain Jack would take me to my special island, and I'm pretty stoked about that and hoping it happens soon.

  

Can you trust girls?

BITCHES, THE LOT OF 'EM. BROS BEFORE HOS. 

What woke you up this morning?

I had to piss like a damn racehorse. 

Why aren't you texting the last person you kissed?

Why aren't YOU texting him if you love him so much? I DON'T KNOW HIS NUMBER, AM FUZZY ON HIS LAST NAME, AND I THINK HIS WIFE MIGHT NOT LIKE IT.

Whats currently bothering you?

Your ignorance of grammatical usage laws. And the fact that my cousin took this whole thing and I couldn't make it through without multiple sanity breaks and a lot of cussing at the screen and one time I yelled at the cats for no reason and I had to mute the television because it was too distracting.

This is why we can't have nice things.

OK, even though it was very clearly stated NOT to take the personality test, two people asked me if they could take it. (Well, not so much “asked” as said “let’s take this and make her grade it!”) As they are both lovely people (but obviously cannot follow directions like the ones that stated don’t take this, it isn’t a real test) I agreed that I would accept and grade their answers. However, I gave them the caveat that I could not guarantee that their very, very scientific personality analysis would not end up on my blog. And as I am not a person who welshes on either a promise or a vague threat…

I’m going to give them both aliases, so they are anonymous. I am doing this for a couple of reasons: 1. Because, as a very serious scientific person, it would be unethical to do otherwise; and 2. Because what if I were to be sued? Damn, I don’t even have enough money for gas this week.

Analysis #1: “TDL”

TDL, from the yes or no portion of the quiz, I see that you have anger issues and pretend to care about very serious social issues. Perhaps you should try listening to soothing music, or joining a nice bonsai trimming class. Wouldn’t that be so calming? I mean, can you even think of anything more sincerely calming? Oh, wait, I’m looking at your answers more in-depth and I’m thinking that you shouldn’t have even the little scissors that come with those teeny trees, so the class is probably off the table now. But totally check out that music.

Also, Duckie was gay. He was just in denial. It’s ok to have had a crush on him, though. I did, too, a little.

And you get +1 for not getting the “my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” reference. It’s from a Kelis song, which I think is about sex. Or dairy products, but with lyrics like “you want me to teach the techniques that freaks these boys” I think probably sex. Also, that grammar is terrible, but the rhyme scheme is kind of catchy.

From the multiple choice section, I see that you are actually a little more caring than the quiz was testing for. So probably you think you’re too good for my test, is that it? What, you think you’re better than my test? Fine. Just – no. Just, fine. A+, you’re the best. Happy now?

You redeemed yourself with the short-answer portion by arguing back with me. This showed spunk, and anyone as scientifically skilled as I am knows that means you are strong and capable. Or possibly a psychopath. But there’s always room for error in these quizzes. I wouldn’t go sharpening your machete or anything.

And finally, your answer to the essay portion was grammatically correct, so kudos.

Your analysis: You, TDL, are an Ambiguously Dissociative Kinesthetic. ADK’s, as they are known in very serious scientific circles, like hats with feathers in them, punching things, alphabet magnets, and furries. They are good in professions both working with and without people, and are only 14% more likely to go on a murder spree than the normal person. Huzzah!

Analysis #2: “A”

A, from the yes-or-no portion of the quiz, I can see you like using pretty colors, fonts and text effects. This indicates that you are proficient in Microsoft Word, and probably like Bill Gates a lot. What it indicates about you psychologically? Sheesh, way to bring me back to task. Fine. I see that in your answers, you answered much in the way I would have answered. This indicates to me that you are very, very psychologically disturbed, and should probably seek treatment immediately. I can’t really be held responsible for what happens if you don’t.

You get major points for noticing a typo I made: “douche falls” was not meant to be there, it was supposed to be “douchey falls” but apparently my spell check didn’t like the word “douchey.” I can’t imagine why. I have since gone back in and changed it. In typing this paragraph, my spell check has attempted to change this word twice more. Why are you trying to harsh my buzz, spell check? Dude.

Your interest in Ed Hardy shirts is troubling. I think there’s a support group for that.

Your answers to the multiple choice indicate that you like to fly in the face of convention. I note this because you wrote your own choices. I can only assume this is because the answers were not good enough for you? Both you and TDL think you are too good for my quiz. As a very scientific person all I can say is you are a poopyhead!

(Also, completely off the subject, you wrote a book? More information is required, please. And wow!)

Your answers to the short-answer section were also quite strong and innovative. This shows you to be brave, or possibly foolhardy. Not to be confused with Ed Hardy. I can’t get that out of my head. A! Really? Ed Hardy shirts? This is going to reflect badly in your final analysis.

And, finally, your essay answer. This worries me, A. I think perhaps it indicates that you have a split personality. Also, the grammar was atrocious. But points for using the names “Orangello” and “Lemonjello” because they are my favorite urban legend baby names ever.

Your analysis: You, A, are a Libidinous Perceptual Trichromatic. LPT’s, as they are known in very serious scientific circles, like the color periwinkle, pleather, tattoos of cartoon tigers, and small bags of marbles.  They are good in professions where money is not involved, as they will both steal and eat it, and are only 74% more likely to go on a murder spree than the normal person (this is due to the Ed Hardy portion of your results. I told you that would be important later.) Double huzzah!

Thank you both for your answers. Disclaimer: although I am a very serious scientific person who used the most up-to-date scoring mechanisms to score this test, I cannot be held responsible for what happens if you live your life by its principles. In other words, don’t be a dumbass, and take responsibility for your own shit (which, by the way, is really my life’s motto, and should be everyone’s.)

When the Cult of Personality Offers Koolaid, YOU DRINK IT.

I enjoy taking online personality tests when I have downtime. I assume a lot of people do – there are a lot of websites dedicated to them. Now, before you go judging me, I don’t mean the “What Twilight Character are You?” Facebook quizzes (because, obviously, the Twilight character I am is the one who stands up and says “REAL VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY” and that character wasn’t written into the book – obviously due to a major tween conspiracy.) I mean the real kind – your personality type, what psychological disorders you have, things like that. Because everyone wants to be more self-aware and/or scare the ever-loving shit out of themselves!

First, today, I took this one.  It’s the Myers-Briggs personality indicator.  You’re scored on four “dichotomies” – you either score higher as an extrovert or introvert, sensing or intuition, thinking or feeling and judgment or perception. You get a four-letter code and with this code, you’re supposed to be able to figure out what job you’d be best at.

I got INFJ – I’m an introverted intuitive feeling judgementalist. Apparently, only 1-3% of society scores in this percentile (which makes me either the special snowflake I’ve always assumed I am and proves my detractors wrong over all these years, or maybe a psychopath, proving them oh-so-correct.) According to the internet, things this me:

Possibly psychic

Artistic and creative

“They are usually right, and they usually know it” (thank you, Internet! Wait, is that a jab?)

“experience health problems when under a lot of stress” (not so cool, Internet, back to the good stuff)

“stubbornness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions” (whoa, Internet! I refuse to accept this diagnosis! Wait! I am proving you correct! DAMN YOU INTERNET!)

INFJ’s either excel as counselors, artists, writers, or in service professions (so, either I can do something creative that probably doesn’t pay my rent, help people who are more screwed-up than me, or work at McDonald’s? Um, thanks?)

In summation: “Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ.” (INTERNET! You are DEAD to me right now!)

OK, fine. Now that I am thoroughly depressed and apparently an artistic psychic who is a stubborn, willful sickly one-of-a-kind and therefore lonely individual, let’s move onto something more entertaining and totally accurate.

TweetPsych! TweetPsych only works if you’re on Twitter, and active on Twitter. Put in your Twitter name and Tweetpsych analyzes all of your Tweets and tells you what you talk about more and less than the average Twitter user.

A sampling of things, per TweetPsych, I talk about much more than the average Twitter user:

Myself (I don’t know how you can’t do this on Twitter)

The past

Sex (I…don’t think I do, really? But according to TweetPsych, I talk about sex 58% more than the average user. Which makes me feel a little whorish. Sorry, everyone, for being such a Twitter slut. I’ll try to control myself from now on.)

Negative things

The future (apparently, I have no interest in the present)

Positive things (ugh, TweetPsych, you are giving me a mixed message here)

Anxiety (well, these personality tests aren’t helping)

Emotions (I do have a lot of these. And it’s entertaining to share them.)

The present (ok, TweetPsych, I like all frames of time reference more than the average Twitter user, touché to you)

Control (being in it? Out of it? Not sure)

Social (very vague)

And things I don’t talk about enough:

Dreams (I don’t sleep enough to dream. I’m extremely sleep-deprived. Thanks for the reminder, TweetPsych.)

Leisure (I should talk about my leisure activities more? Ugh, fine. I sat on my couch last night for an hour reading a book. Exciting!)

Constructive (this says I should talk about building and creating things more. Well, way to make me feel like an unproductive member of society.)

Learning (I been done with book-larnin’ fer years now. No more readin’ for me! It’s all loud TV and US Weekly from here on out!)

Work (listen, TweetPsych, I’m not talking about work, because THAT GETS YOU FIRED. Then I would be talking about UNEMPLOYMENT.)

So in summation of this report, I am self-absorbed, obsessed with sex and time frames in both the positive and negative sense, and a socially anxious control freak. Um…kind of yes.

After taking these, I decided there needed to be something more all-inclusive and infinitely more awesome. There hasn’t really been a test developed that gets to the heart of what makes people tick and helps best figure them out. I thought, I’m hip, I’m fairly self-aware, I could come up with one. Also, the test would be named after me, and then my fortune would be made.

The Lucy’s Football Totally Awesome Superstar Miss Kitty Fantastico Personality Test

(not a real test)

(please do not answer these questions and send them to me, I will not grade them)

(no, seriously, there is no answer key, and I don’t want to have to come up with one)

(fine, but if you do it, I’m going to make up a really, really negative personality type for you, like “Anal Monster Self-Hater” and then you’ll be sorry)

Yes or No Portion

I often find myself angry to the point of a throbbing headache at shitty drivers Y   N

I do not like green eggs and ham; I do not like them, Sam I Am   Y   N

I think my own problems far eclipse everyone else’s, although I pretend to care about theirs, because listen, what kind of psychopath doesn’t pretend to listen? A friendless one   Y    N

I feel bad for those less fortunate than me, but I don’t engage them in conversation, because once you show compassion, they start following you EVERYWHERE and then you can’t get any work done   Y    N

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but my frozen yogurt makes them leave in disgust   Y    N

I often talk to people who aren’t there, because I am scintillatingly entertaining, even while alone, and you can’t turn this kind of charm off if you TRY   Y   N

I think that dark forces are working against me (or, when someone douchey falls and I get to see it, for me)    Y    N

I’d rather stay home and watch Ghost Hunters than go out and interact with my peers, unless there is cake, then all bets are off   Y     N

I’m the one people go to when they have a problem they need advice for, only they can’t find me because I hastily departed when I heard the rumor they were coming and I didn’t want to deal with their piddly whiny shit   Y     N

I was aware Duckie from Pretty in Pink was gay upon first viewing and confused that he didn’t seem aware of that fact, even as the credits rolled   Y    N

Multiple Choice (circle one)

You find $20 on the ground outside of the library. You:

a. Keep it

b. Bring it into the library and ask if anyone reported $20 missing

c. Keep it, but donate it to a good cause

d. Find the people who chose answers b or c and beat them with whatever awesome thing you bought with your free $20

Your car won’t start, and you will be late for an important meeting at work. You:

a. Call work, apologize, promise to get there as soon as you can, and call a cab

b. Call Triple A and start screaming “My job is ON THE LINE!!!”

c. Call Triple A, call work, and patiently wait for a tech to arrive

d. Say “free day off, mofos!” and kick back with reruns of “The A-Team”

Your younger sister comes to you. She’s pregnant and needs advice. You:

a. Listen to her, gently console her, and help her work through her options

b. Shun her for her sins and make her wear a scarlet letter throughout the land

c. Find the boy involved and beat his ass for not caring enough about your sister to use protection

d. High-five your sister for getting some, tell her, “tough break, kiddo,” and advise her to watch one of those teen mom-type shows on that the kids like nowadays for advice

e. Whatever. Don’t care. Still watching “The A-Team.”

Your favorite book is:

a. Fear of Flying

b. Goodnight Moon

c. The Bible

d. Screw books – internet porn, baby!

You are given 24 hours to live. You spend your day:

a. With family and friends, reminiscing about days gone by

b. Doing something high-energy, like skydiving or bungee-jumping

c. In private meditation, preparing for things to come

d. 24 hours? Hookers and blow. Did you really ask that stupid question?

Short-answer portion – in one to three sentences, please answer the following questions:

1.       Please explain yourself.

2.       No, seriously. I can’t even begin to figure you out.

3.       I mean, who wears clothes like that? Those weren’t even in style when they were selling them.

4.       Oh, they’re “retro chic?” Yeah, I have a word for that. “Douchebaggy.”

5.       What do you mean, #2 wasn’t even a question, and #4 was kind of rhetorical? Who’s writing this, you or me?

6.       Fine, here’s a question for you: were you born this much of an asshat, or did you actually practice, and take classes, and study super-duper hard, and ace all the exams, and graduate Magna Cum Asshat?

7.       Oh, I’m “resorting to juvenile namecalling” now, am I? Fine. Well, you smell like poop, and trucker caps are stupid. Also I used all of the gas in your car yesterday and didn’t tell you so when you try to go to work tomorrow you won’t be able to get there.

8.       What do you mean, “How can I be so inconsiderate?” Did you ever think that maybe you would have gotten in an accident on your way to work today? That would make me a life-saver, now, wouldn’t it? You’re welcome.

9.       Where are you going?

10.   For a walk?

11.   Don’t expect you back anytime soon, or maybe ever?

12.   Fine. Fine. That’s so typical. Hurry, I think there’s a vintage t-shirt shop in Soho going out of business – someone else might buy up all of the ironic ones, and then where would that leave you?

Essay portion – grammar will be a factor, because I love it and it’s my goddamn test:

In one to infinity paragraphs, explain why I can’t finish a half-gallon of milk before it goes bad, even though nothing else in my fridge spoils before I get to it.

There you go, Internet! Remember, there are no wrong answers, only right ones and the ones that prove you’re going to spend the rest of your life forever alone and/or in a padded room.