My Top Five Most Anticipated Fall Shows. THEY ARE GEEKTASTIC.

Time for the final installment in our very exciting three-part fall television series! OK, FINE, it’s only exciting for me. I AM VERY EXCITED. Like, crazy-eyed excited, yo. Fall television! It is enough to make a person jump up and down in their chair. Although I am still sick, so there will be no jumping, really. And as an aside, did you know when you call your doctor and tell them you are most likely dying, they don’t even believe you? It’s totally the case. I called my doctor, who was not there, and got a nurse, who was not in the least bit sympathetic to my almost-dying plight and told me that “these things happen” and that the doctor – the only one she was “comfortable” seeing me for this particular issue (so…if it’s such a common thing, why can’t any of the yahoos over there see me for it? Why the big kahuna only? I think this is suspicious) – is out of town until Monday and I couldn’t get in until then to see him. “So will I die in the meantime?” I asked her. “Probably not?” she said, in a doubtful tone. “But if you get better, feel free to call and cancel the appointment, to free it up for someone else!” Well. Well! I feel SO MUCH BETTER ALL ALONE WITH MY DEATH THANK YOU. 

On to more exciting matters. Fall television! The top five new shows I am most excited about, in ascending order, so leaving the best for last. I realize that at least one, if not more, of these is going to be a disaster, and let me down a great deal. But right now anything is possible. It’s like the day before Christmas when you’re a kid. Anything could be under that tree, ANYTHING! And then the day after, you’re surrounded by shitty gifts like socks and store-brand Cabbage Patch Kids with wonky eyes and you ate too much candy so you feel gross but the day before is the BEST, right? 

Also, you’re going to be able to tell (if you didn’t already know) by reading this list that I’m a huge geek. These shows are all filled with geekery. Two fantasy, one sci-fi, one horror, and one mystery which stars the goddess of geekdom herself. So if you don’t want to read this as a “shows I’m stoked about” post, read it as a “geeks, these are shows MADE FOR US!” list. I’m down with that. 

Most Anticipated New Fall Television Shows 

Once Upon a Time (10/23/11, ABC)

Premise: A mystery series where fairy tale characters live in a parallel world on our Earth where they don’t remember their true identities or lives. 

Starring: Jennifer Morrison, Ginnifer Goodwin, Paula Marshall, Raphael Sbarge, Giancarlo Esposito, and some other people I don’t know 

OK, before you say “this is going to SUCK!”, I love fairy tales, I love retellings and reimaginings of canonical stories, and I love fantasy series. Yes, I am aware this is probably going to be awful. It’s on ABC, which is worrisome. Sure, they brought us Lost – but they’re kind of hit-or-miss with things. Does anyone remember (I bet you don’t – IT WAS THAT BAD) Happy Town? It started with such promise and it was SO STUPID. ABC just let it trail off and you had to watch the last couple episodes online (and if you did, you left your computer stupider for it – the ending was ridiculous.) So yes, this could be awful. Also, Ginnifer Goodwin worries me, because I don’t like her acting much. But I think the premise is kind of awesome! It shows promise! I think there are a lot of places you could go with this, and so many fairy tales to mine from, that you could have story arcs for years to come, if it takes off! Yes, yes, I know, odds are VERY good it won’t. But I’m hopeful. Day before Christmas, remember? 

It’s also worrisome that this is debuting in October. That can’t be a good sign. 

Grimm (10/21/11, NBC) 

Premise: A detective learns he is descended from hunters whose job is to protect humanity from fairy tale creatures loose in our world. (Um. Hmm. This is…a little derivative of Supernatural? But I love Supernatural. And Supernatural’s ending soon. So I’m cool with that, to some extent.) 

Starring: No one I’ve ever heard of. Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing. 

I’m both excited and trepidatious about this. It looks fun! It’s on a major network! It’s got a fairy-tale angle, which as discussed above, I love! However. Stealing from Supernatural is a bit of a dick move. It could be completely different, but the “hunter” thing? Supernatural. The creatures? Supernatural. So I’m excited, but I’m going to wait and see. It’s still in my top five, because it has a lot of things that excite me. But I’m going to hang back before I throw myself at the feet of this one. 

Seems like a weird fit for NBC. If this is another Persons Unknown debacle, I’m going to be pissed. (Tell me someone other than me watched that nonsense last summer. Wasn’t it so awful? I kept waiting to either care about one of the characters or for something to make sense. Neither happened. I wanted ten minutes alone in a cage with one of the writers.) Also debuting in October. What’s with that? 

Terra Nova (9/26/11, FOX) 

Premise: in America of the future, a family travels, via time machine, back to the age of the dinosaurs to start a new life 

Starring: Jason O’Mara (yum!), Stephen Lang, Landon Liboiron from Life Unexpected, and other people I haven’t heard of; produced by Stephen Spielberg. Also starring lots of dinosaurs. BAM I SAID DINOSAURS. 

This is probably on a lot of people’s short lists. I’m excited, but probably not as excited as most people. Here’s my worry – is it going to end up like Land of the Lost? Because I don’t think I could handle that. When I was a kid, Land of the Lost was on reruns Saturday mornings and it was SO STUPID. Also, I get the theme song stuck in my head at inappropriate moments even now, thirty years later, and I find myself singing “the laaaand…of the loooost….” and that’s kind of upsetting. Probably this will be better and Jurassic Park-like, right? But not Jurassic Park 2. That was awful, despite Vince Vaughn who I love. (Yes, I know he’s kind of a goofball. I don’t know why I love him. The heart wants what it wants.) 

This should be good. Stephen Spielberg! Jason O’Mara! Or could be awful. Green screen acting! I am excited – it’s a huge sci-fi undertaking and is costing a lot of money and if it’s good, it will be very, very good – but also a little scared it’s going to be awful. But if it’s awful, it might be REALLY awful. Like, laugh-out-LOUD awful. Which is good in its own way, too. 

American Horror Story (10/5/11, FX) 

Premise: A family moves into a haunted home in California. 

Starring: Connie Britton, Dylan McDermott, Jessica Lange, Frances Conroy, Denis O’Hare, ZACHARY EFFING QUINTO, and it’s produced by Ryan Murphy, mofos 

This is so exciting I might pee my pants. Let me list the awesomeness, ready? It’s horror. That, first and foremost, wins me over. It’s on FX, so the special effects will be better, as will (probably) the writing. (Terriers was so good that I cried during the final episode, not because it was good – it was – but because it was being cancelled. And don’t get me started on the awesomeness of Justified and my cowboy boyfriend Raylan Givens.) The cast is kind of amazeballs, no? Jessica Lange? Denis O’Hare? SYLAR? Sylar’s going to be in this? I mean, you could put Sylar in pretty much anything and I’d watch it, so there’s that. Ryan Murphy, who (this past season of Glee aside) is kind of television magic? 

Sylar. SYLAR! LOOK AT THOSE EYES.
You can't look away. THEY ARE MESMERIZING.

I am very, very, very, times fifty very’s, excited about this. The fact that it’s starting in October isn’t as disturbing to me because it’s FX. Cable networks have different rules. They’re loners, Dottie. They’re rebels. Watch this because I’m going to want to discuss it with people and if no one’s watching it, it will be cancelled and I’ll be blue. 

Ringer (9/13/11, CW) 

Premise: A mystery series in which a twin impersonates her supposedly dead sister. 

Starring: Oh, I don’t know. No one that exciting. Nestor Carbonell, a.k.a. “Eyeliner Dude,” from Lost. Kristoffer Polaha from Life Unexpected. OH WAIT ALSO JASON DOHRING. Excuse me for a minute, I think I just lost my shit and have to go find it again. There it is. AND ALSO SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR. My shit is officially lost and gone forever. 

Now, I know I’ve mentioned time and time and TIME again how much I love Buffy. But have I mentioned my obsession with Veronica Mars? Like, watched each episode over and over, chatted in chatrooms, emailed people theories, loved Veronica Mars. JASON DOHRING IS IN THIS SHOW. You know about Logan Echolls, right? If you don’t, please immediately rectify this situation by getting Seasons One and Two of Veronica Mars. You can get Season Three, afterwards, because you’ll want to know what happens. It’s not as good, but it’s still ok. Jason Dohring played my favorite bad boy on television for three years, and I will love him for the rest of his (and my) life for that. 

Oh, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this. I mean, I was already perma-squeeing about this when it was announced, due to Buffy having a new show. But then Jason Dohring. That is like the perfect pairing, really. 

The plot – well, it’s been done. But I’m willing to give that a pass. It’s got potential. And with the two of them – um, LOGAN ECHOLLS YOU GUYS LOGAN ECHOLLS. Sorry. You really have to understand – Logan Echolls. Logan “I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me?” Echolls. Logan “Dream on, Jump Street, I’m not leaving you alone with her” Echolls. I would watch Jason Dohring in anything. (I actually did. I watched every single episode of that piss-poor vampire garbage show Moonlight because he was in it, and that shit was PAINFUL. But Jason Dohring!) 

LOGAN ECHOLLS. If you don't love him, you
are missing part of your SOUL.

Fine, and also Sarah Michelle Gellar. This show has geek cred. I think a lot of geeks are lining up for this one. And it starts TOMORROW. This is very exciting. I am already planning my evening around this. 

So happy fall viewing! Let’s do a recap halfway through and see where we stand, ok? I bet something gets cancelled after only a couple of episodes. That’s always my favorite. I love a good crash-and-burn.

Fight between GooD n eViLc

As mentioned in the past, I’m a horror buff. This started early. One of the first books I remember picking out of the library myself was an absolutely terrifying children’s book (supposedly based on a true story – words to strike fear into any child’s heart, because that meant IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU) about a boy who somehow became possessed (is that the word? Bedeviled? Followed? Stalked?) by a poltergeist. I was probably seven or eight, and became convinced that whenever anything fell/moved/made a noise, it was my own poltergeist, who would start hounding me until I would have to be put in the mental institution (which was the final outcome for the poor boy in the book.) (Yes, this begs the question, “why at this age were you reading things like this?” I can’t answer that, really.) I can’t find this book online to research if it really was this scary, or just scary for my age group, because I have apparently blocked its name out of my mind.

I also read a book called The Red Room Riddle. I can’t remember much about it, other than it scared the everloving hell out of me. I think there were some kids trapped in a red room in a haunted house? And there was some tie-in to the Biblical massacre of the innocents? Is that even possible? I can’t imagine a children’s book had a tie-in to children being murdered in the Bible. But I remember there being a tapestry of the murder, and someone explaining the massacre to the children. Just horrifying. There was also an ABC Weekend Special based on it, but it wasn’t as scary. Nothing based on the book is, usually. 

Then there was Unsolved Mysteries. “OK, Unsolved Mysteries?” you're thinking. Among the killers on the loose and bank robbers and things of that nature, sometimes they would have an “unexplained” segment. And those were scary. One of them was about a ghost that was haunting a bunk bed (shut up, I know it sounds stupid, it wasn’t,) and the family ended up having to burn that bed because the ghost wouldn’t leave their son alone. And he was on the top of his haunted bunk bed, and his clock radio started changing channels on its own and flipping around through the music and turning on and off and it was the very clock radio I owned. Super, super creepy. Obviously, those clock radios were more prone to possession by bunk bed ghost. (Matt at X-Entertainment did a great piece on Unsolved Mysteries a while back – read his take on that very segment here - #3 on the list. I’m not alone in this!) 

As you can see, my mind was warped at a very early age. 

Someday I’ll tell you about the handful of times I’ve encountered something I can’t explain – not “my pencil just fell to the floor I think it was a poltergeist,” but things that were a little more real, and why I feel like Shakespeare’s “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio/Than are dreamt of in your philosophy” quote is right on – but this is about something much less serious than that, I promise. Much less serious; much more reeking of hair gel. 

Not too long ago, I became aware of these paranormal investigator-type shows on television. I thought they would be entertaining. I watched a few and became aware of the following: 

1.   “EVP” is static. You can say the ghost is saying whatever you want, but really, it’s static. You’re not convincing me otherwise. The hiss between radio stations does not sound like “get out of my house” to me. It sounds like static.

2.   Cold spots are usually just cold spots. Every house has them. My office has them, but I’m pretty sure it’s not haunted. It’s just air-conditioned poorly and inconsistently.

3.   “Orbs.” Dear paranormal investigators: the “orbs” you see on photographs or on film are dust, lit up by your flash. I have them in a lot of photos I’ve taken, because I refuse to dust (it’s a waste of time – things just get dusty again almost immediately. Why would I dust when I could be using my time more productively watching television, or researching how Pop-Rocks are made?)

4.   Paranormal investigators are melodramatic.

Now, there are some shows that are more serious than others. Ghost Hunters is not as bad as some of the others. The guys don’t seem like total tools. I still don’t hear anything in the EVP, and I have trouble taking what they’re doing very seriously, but they don’t seem like asshats out to make a buck, so they’re better at acting, I guess. Because they’re obviously out to make a buck. Sure, they’d like to see a real ghost, I’m sure. After years of doing this, they’re probably desperate to see one. But they can at least pretend well, and kudos to them.  

In one of their episodes, they were investigating a haunted jail, and I swear I really saw something on the video. I’m sure it was staged, but it was really, really creepy. It turned me off to ghost hunter shows for a while, because when I see something like that, I’m pretty sure it’s in my closet once I turn off the lights, waiting to steal my breath. So they get a tentative stamp of approval. 

Now, on the flip side of the coin – Ghost Adventures. This show is the worst thing ever. It’s as bad as that Nickelodeon show Goosebumps that the kids I used to babysit were obsessed with. The lead of this show is a douche named Zak (isn’t there supposed to be a “c” in that name? Are you too cool for the “c”, Zak?), whose hair – ok, here:

There. See? But that isn’t really doing justice to the hair. Do an image search for Zak Bagans. Seriously. Or, just imagine the most Ed-Hardified guy you can think of, tight t-shirts to show off his muscles which he is constantly flexing, hair gelled in weird architectural configurations which sometimes start to melt off one way or the other like a fall cornfield once he’s been ghost-hunting for a while – and he says “Dude” and “Bra” every other sentence. It is horrifying. It is like seeing the end of the world on your television. Yet you can’t look away! You can’t imagine that anyone like this would be allowed a program, and apparently is SOME SORT OF SEX SYMBOL! Seriously, in doing research for this blog post, I found blogs of people who seem to be SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THIS PERSON! But he would make you so greasy, what with the gel, and the attitude, and he’d call you “bra” while you were doing it, ew, ew, EW – so you keep watching it. And cringing.

The best episode of this show in the history of the world was set in a place called Preston Castle, which used to be a reform school. The way the show is set up is that the investigators (Zak – who, from here on out, I will call The Douche, because he is) and his two sidekicks, one of which – Aaron – I am vaguely attracted to, and slightly embarrassed about) meet with people who are familiar with the history of the place they are going to investigate for the first twenty minutes, working themselves into a frenzy about the ghosts they will encounter and such; then they investigate for approximately twenty minutes; then they recap for approximately ten minutes (the rest is commercials for old-people things like erectile dysfunction pills and Wilford Brimley berating you about dia-beee-tus because this is the Travel Channel.) Oh, also they taunt the ghosts a lot. There’s a lot of “show yourselves! You baby! You’re too scared to show yourself to me!” (“You baby?” Really? To a ghost? Way to use the insults, bud. Love the command of the language.) Anyone who’s ever watched anything scary, ever, knows this is not a good idea.

The investigators learned about what they might encounter in this very, very scary reform school. One of the things they might encounter, they learned, was a female ghost who was very flirtatious. I can’t seem to find a recap of this online, so I’m going from memory, here – and take it under advisement that my memories go through a filter to make them a more heightened, and therefore more entertaining, version of reality. The Douche enters the room where the ghost was, and brings her a flower, as she likes those, according to the history person who knows these things, and sits in her chair (for some reason, the original furniture is always in these ancient haunted places, as if the hauntings have caused people to run out without their belongings, or the set dressers got there first.) The camera goes to the other two guys, who are being “scratched” by ghosts elsewhere in the castle (this is also lame, they’re all “Oh! I feel like something’s scratching my leg!” Then the camera goes away from the person being scratched, and you hear scratching, then it goes back to the leg, and there are scratch marks that you’re fairly sure the cameraman put there himself. Sad.)

All of a sudden, the sidekicks realize, “We have not seen The Douche in a while!” so they go looking for him. I am not sure why they separated in the first place. It’s been a while since I saw this episode. Wouldn’t you stick together? Strength in numbers, and such, in this very, very haunted place? No? Ok, then. You’re the “experts.”  They enter the room where The Douche is still sitting in the haunted chair, and they call out his name, and he turns around, and in his best Mae West, he responds to them thusly (this is not verbatim – I’m sure if you wanted to see the actual show – and why would you do that? – you could find it on YouTube, or the Travel Channel says they’re repeating it this week, so watch it, if you want the truth of the matter. This is nowhere near close, yet encapsulates what happened perfectly):

Sidekick 1: Zak? Dude?

The Douche: Well, hellllooooo, boys. Come up to seeeee me, have you? (Flips imaginary hair)
Sidekick 2: Zak? Duuuude.
The Douche: Aren’t you two just the cutest little love monkeys to ever climb my banana tree.
Sidekick 1: Bra. What’s going on?
The Douche: I’ve been so looooonely, here all alone. (bats eyelashes)
Sidekick 2: I’m beginning to think he is possessed by a spirit.
Sidekick 1: You must be right. It is a female spirit. (These things are said as if read off a cuecard.)
The Douche: Do you see my flooooweeeerrr? (Flirtatiously feints at them with the flower)
Sidekick 1: What should we do? Zak. Bra. Dude. Bra?
Sidekick 2: Bra! Dude! Bra!
The Douche: There’s no Zak here…
 

The sidekicks go out in the hallway to discuss their options. The Douche starts singing to himself in a high voice and doing a little dance with his flower. Because he is a lady.

The sidekicks decide to tough love the ghost and return.

Sidekick 1: We want our friend back. (Me: Oh, God, why? He’s so much better like this!)

Sidekick 2: Release him, spirit!

The Douche then gives this totally stagey full-body shudder, straight from every single possession movie ever, and then blinks his eyes like he’s just waking up.

The Douche: Wh..where am I? What happened?

Sidekick 1: Bra. You were possessed. That was weird.
Sidekick 2: And a ghost totally scratched my leg a while back, dude.
Sidekick 1: This place is wack, yo.
The Douche: I don’t remember anything. Wh-why do I have this flower? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

At this point, I was laughing so hard I was in tears. My father and I watched this together and he still brings up “the time that stupid ghost guy thought he had a girl ghost in him.”

Now, you’re probably curious, and you’re going to watch the show, and it isn’t going to be anything like this, but in my head, this is exactly how it went down. Because it’s funnier that way.

Things to take away from this:

1.   The Douche apparently took flirting lessons from when Bugs Bunny dressed as a girl flirting with Elmer Fudd to get out of a jam. NO ONE FLIRTS LIKE THIS.

2.   There are people online who comment on message boards about how this is the scariest episode of anything they have ever seen, ever. Sample: “Zak this was awsome bro. When the gost was insied you did you want to make out with yerslf. Cuz I wuld. Also super skary. I want to be a gost hunter when I grew up or a scuba divre.”

What I want to happen is for these three to come up against something like was in the Stephen King story 1408 – no, NOT the movie, don’t even TALK to me about the movie, Cusack couldn’t even save that movie. I want all of the ghosts they’ve taunted over the years to stand up, all “Oh, hell no” and make them hang themselves with their own camera cords. Now that would make for some compelling television, dude. Bra? Dude.

(Note - the title is from the man, the dude, the bra himself, from one of his "best tweets," according to the Travel Channel, describing his tattoo. Um. Random capitalization? Check. Mispelling? Check. Abbreviation when it's not needed? Check. Do you need further proof of doucheitude? I rest my case.)