I H8 to tell you but I watched H8R last night. It was about as good as you might expect.

This day has just about killed me but I have so much work to do I’m pretty sure my office would reanimate my and have my zombie corpse chained to my desk so I could do MORE work, is how bad it’s been. But shh, I’m sneaking in for a minute. 

So far, fall television has been a huge son, I am disappoint.

I’ve watched four new shows – one of which I KNEW would be awful but the shows I was PLANNING to watch in that time slot weren’t on because somehow I got my wires crossed, I don’t know, so I had time and it was on – and none of them were all that impressive. Remember how the other day I said that right before the fall season started, it was like Christmas Eve? Well, it’s early Christmas morning, and so far all I’ve unwrapped are some really boring educational DVDs and a hat that doesn’t fit correctly. Oh, and a bag of crazy. 

Ringer wasn’t the worst thing ever. It was fine. The special effects were horrendous, though. Who thought they were ok? Someone ok’d these? Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could do better with the video camera in my cell phone. I would be embarrassed if I was the person who was presenting this to the public. Also, it’s very, very hard for me to imagine Sarah Michelle Gellar in peril, because it’s Buffy, you know? I’m just wondering why she isn’t kicking the badguy’s asses and snarking at them. It’s disconcerting. Oh, also, Jason Dohring WASN’T EVEN IN THE FIRST EPISODE. Um, this is very worrisome, why would you do that to me, Ringer? It’s early yet, though, so I’ll give it another go. 

The NBC comedies Up All Night and Free Agents were…um…well, to be kind, they weren’t the worst things I’ve ever seen ever in the history of ever! That’s nice, right? Here’s my problem with them. First, Up All Night. Not that funny, first off. Will Arnett should only play his typical stupid/smart characters, because I don’t know if he can pull off anything else. Maya Rudolph was funny, but it’s just her Saturday Night Live Oprah character, so it seems like a rip-off. And the show’s kind of stupid. Free Agents – well, listen, I have always had a crush on Hank Azaria, and there are a lot of good actors crammed into this series, but it’s just not very good. It’s actually also pretty stupid. I guess you could turn the sound off and just stare at Hank Azaria, but that seems like a waste of half an hour. So will I watch them again? Probably not. I don’t see them getting much better. 

Now for the bag of crazy. When I tell you the title, you’re going to say, well! OF COURSE IT WAS INSANE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. I was curious, give me a break. H8R? I almost want to say that title in a small voice and run away from you, I’m so embarrassed I watched this thing. Ok, premise is, Mario Lopez pretends to interview everyday people for a reality show and part of the interview is “blast off about one celebrity you hate more than anything and BE DESCRIPTIVE.” (They don’t say that, I added that part, but it seems to be the subtext.) So on video, we have some schmo going on and on and on about how much they hate some celebrity like, oh, I don’t know, Snookie. Then Mario Lopez shows the video TO Snookie, who he is apparently close personal friends with. And then Snookie CONFRONTS the h8r (I think I might be contractually bound to spell it like that) in his or her natural habitat. The h8r is shaken when confronted by his or her asshattery, but continues to act like an asshat because it would totally look like he or she was losing face if he or she just backed down and said “Sorry, Snookie, I don’t know you at all and was just blasting, as you do, on a celebrity that seems annoying!” Then – THEN! – Snookie took the h8r grocery shopping (…I don’t know either?) and they bonded a little, then she cooked dinner for his whole family, and at the end of the dinner, she said, “Are you still a h8r?” and he said “NO SNOOKIE I AM A LOVER” and she wooo-ed and all was well. 

The second segment was similar only stupider, because it was a girl with spotted hair (no, seriously, is this a thing? I will have to find you a graphic. She had white-blond hair with leopard-like spots running down one side of it.) 

Well, this isn’t a very good photo and also what's with this chick's emo eyeliner and such and I can’t find a better one so I guess the H8R was on the cutting edge of stupid. But it was like this, only the spots were BIGGER and only on one SIDE and VERY PRONOUNCED. And no one mentioned it? At all? In the whole episode? So that struck me as odd. 

So anyway, Spotty hated, hated, HAAAATED Jake Pavelka from The Bachelor. I don’t know anything about The Bachelor. I don’t watch it. I don’t care about dating shows. Well, except for Rock of Love. Now THAT was a dating show. Yowza. So awesomely filled with whoredom. Anyway. She went on for a while about how awful he was and then the worst part – “I heard he was probably GAY!” she said, in a shocked tone. Hmm. That WOULD be upsetting, because then he would have been MISREPRESENTING HIMSELF ON A DATING SHOW OMG. The only thing worse than that would be if he lied about the “journey” he was taking while on the show. Because isn’t that just the best? When they talk about being on a “journey?” It doesn’t at all make you want to vomit until you’re sore. 

So Mario gleefully showed Jake the footage and Jake got all sad and teary-eyed (honestly, he seemed like kind of a whine-ass, but he was pretty as all get-out) and then confronted Spotty at some spa she was at but first played a trick on her where he pretended to be hitting on her and being a douche and she was totally turned on by him but pretending not to be, so it was all of a sudden very sad. Because you could see WHY she hated Jake. Because he was every guy who’d ever turned Spotty down ever. And Spotty was actually quite pretty, if you did something about her horrendous hairstyle. Then Mario popped out of a potted plant or something and kind of strong-armed Spotty into going on a date with Jake which was kind of like one of the dates on The Bachelor, where they drove around aimlessly getting to know one another in an SUV and then went on a plane. And she was very cold but you could TELL she dug him but was just being a dick because she was getting revenge on whoever had hurt her in the past. And then – because Jake is a big old pretty weirdo – he took her to the Bachelor house, I guess to show off and be all, “Lookie what I can do, take you to a famous place because I am a very famous person!” and she was pissed (and this time, rightfully so, because it was so douchey of him.)  

OK, now THE BEST PART. He sat her down and started just spewing all over about his childhood, and how he never felt like his father loved him, and how this affected him throughout his life, and how her being a h8r really bothered him because of it, and she’s watching him all confused because HE IS TOTALLY CRYING, and then he says “I’ve never told anyone any of this before.” Really. REALLY? Then why are you telling a total stranger who just blasted you to the whole world and hates you so much? YOU ARE A WEIRD REALITY SHOW WEIRDO WITH AMAZING BONE STRUCTURE WHO IS TOTALLY SAD. She then just kind of wandered off and he realized that his daddy was never going to love him so he slammed some doors and then they separated and as she drove off she said, “I was a h8r before and I’m a H8R NOW!!!!” 

THIS SHOW IS AWFUL. 

At the end, they showed the celebrities who were going to be on the rest of the season, and I recognized three of them. And there were about ten of them. The three I recognized were Kim Kardashian, Janice Dickinson, and Eva Longoria. Then they said their names and one of them was the asshole who does the Girls Gone Wild videos. Is there anyone who LIKES this guy? I bet even his MOTHER thinks he’s a exploitative douchecanoe. And there was one guy who looked like he was made of wax and he made me laugh until I almost pissed myself. He looked like Christian Bale but made of wax. SO SO SHINY. I wanted to confront him and discuss what was going on with that face, honestly. It is apparently Scott Disick. 

This photo isn’t so shiny – it must have been the H8R lighting or he’d just had some major botox something – but I chose it because it makes me laugh. Why is he posing in front of the ocean like this? Does he think he’s auditioning for Miami Vice? Fun!  (I have never watched a single episode of that Kardashian show but my father watches it. Here is a sample of him talking about it: “I hate that show. Those people are so stupid. The people that marry them are so stupid. Something’s wrong with Bruce Jenner’s face. I don’t like their butts but all the men say they have the best butts. Why are they famous. I hate that show.” “Um, Dad, if you hate it, why do you watch it?” “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Amy. EVERYONE watches that show.”) 

Here are my thoughts, Mario Lopez. First: it doesn’t exactly mean you are a h8r if you blast a celebrity on the internet. Sometimes it means you’re unintelligent and believe everything that’s in the tabloids; sometimes it just means you’re venting. Listen, I have a lot of celebrities I don’t like, for various reasons. Here’s a list: 

Tom Cruise: scary cult leader

Chris Klein: hates women

Miley Cyrus: seems unintelligent

Jay Leno: not funny and seems like kind of a cock

Roman Polanski: child molester

Chris Brown: beats women

Ginnifer Goodwin: seems unintelligent and chooses men incorrectly

Carrot Top: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS SCARY FACE 

I don’t really HATE them, though. Why? I don’t know them! I think in order to hate someone, you really have to know them. Do I like these people? No. Do I want to hang out with them? No, no I don’t (and actually, in Carrot Top’s case, OH MY GOD PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME NO.) 

But if Mario Lopez showed up and said I needed to spend a day with one of these people you know what I’d say? NO THANK YOU MARIO LOPEZ. That’s just a recipe for disaster, really. The people who say yes are just reality show whores who want their moment of fame. They’re just as sad as the celebrities! It’s a sad shame spiral, really. A co-dependent shame spiral. 

So this season, so far, kind of a total letdown. Luckily, it’s still early. Tonight: The Secret Circle! Starring the girl who kind of annoyed me from Life Unexpected and Gale Harold, WHO WILL NEVER ANNOY ME. What will happen? One can only imagine.

I Guess "Take the Money and Drive Around Aimlessly" Didn't Test Well

So last night I watched this new show Take the Money and Run. I know, I know. I’m not usually a fan of game shows. But it’s by the people who created The Amazing Race, and I LOVE The Amazing Race.  

Now, before we start talking about the insanity that is Take the Money and Run, let’s discuss The Amazing Race for a minute. First, we have the host. Phil Keoghan. Phil is adorable, and from New Zealand so he has a luscious accent, and he does that sexy skeptical eyebrow quirk thing that I adore. He is also polite, and does not treat the contestants like they are there to take money out of his pocket, Jeff Probst. (Jeff Probst lost the little respect I had for him the year on Survivor when they had him take the jar of final votes and pretend to travel through the jungle to bring them to the final vote tally in L.A., and he had a machete and chopped through the forest and it was night when he started and day when he got out, then he stood on the landing gear of the helicopter that was waiting for him and it took off as if it was going to carry him across the ocean on the landing gear – um, really, Survivor? How stupid do you think we are? I still sometimes mention in conversation “The time Probst chopped through the jungle all night” as an example of reality-show weirdness. Although the time Johnny Fairplay pretended his grandmother was dead was one of my favorite things EVER. “How’s Gramma?” “Dude, she died.” LOVE IT.) 

So, The Amazing Race. I love this show. I love most of the people. I love that they get to travel to amazing places and do fun tasks there. I love that I get to see these places, because I don’t have the money to travel, so it’s like a game show and a travel show all in one.  I love deciding which task I would pick if I were a contestant. (Easy: neither. I could never be a contestant. You have to run a lot and I am not good at that. Also sometimes they have to bungee jump. Nope. I’m out.) 

Things I do not like: contestants that fight too much and are obviously there just to stir up trouble and give the audience people to hate; people that complain about things not being “fair” like someone running faster than them to the mat or not giving them the answer to a task (IT IS A COMPETITION YOU DUMBASS); people who think speaking LOUDER ENGLISH to non-English speakers will make them understand you better (“LEFT! LEFT! Why isn’t he understanding me? God, I HATE Russia!”); couples who go on the show to get to know each other better (a reality show is NOT going to make you grow closer together – quite the opposite, actually, it usually makes you never want to see each other again); people who go on the show not knowing how to do a basic skill that you need to be able to do in order to play the game (swim or drive stick are the two biggest offenders here.) 

OK, so that was a tangent and a half. Take the Money and Run. Premise: a team of two people are given a briefcase with $100,000 in it. They have an hour to hide it somewhere in the city in which they live. After the hour is up, they are taken into “custody” by two police officers and two police interrogators, who attempt to find out where they hid the case. (The police officers have access to the GPS of the car they used and their cell phone records.) The police have 48 hours to find the case; if they don’t, the team gets to keep it. 

Questions I had going into this: 

Can the team just refuse to answer any of the questions? Apparently not. That was never explained, but it seems they couldn’t just sit there and plead the 5^th, because the team on the premiere that I watched squawked like a couple of monkeys for the entire 48 hours. So apparently you have to answer whatever’s asked of you. You can lie, but you seem to have to answer. 

If the police can just follow the GPS, this seems a little too easy. Yes. That is a problem. However, you don’t have to use the car all that much. You can park and go on foot, which they did in places. 

Again, if the police have access to your cell phone, they seem to have the upper hand. Yep. Again, this all seems to be in the police’s favor. See, I would have just not USED the phone? But they used it in what they thought was a tricky way. 

Does the team know about the police using the GPS and cell phone records? Yes. 

What is the point of this show? Well, different people will have different theories on this. But my theories are: to show you that if you attempt a crime, YOU WILL GET CAUGHT NO MATTER HOW STUPID THE POLICE ARE. And YOU AREN’T A GOOD LIAR EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU ARE. At first, I thought it might be to show you how the police work a crime, which would be interesting. But I decided that probably it was to make you scared to COMMIT a crime because even bumblers like the cops and interrogators on this team could (spoiler alert) find and keep your briefcase. 

OK, so here’s what happened: 

The team got the briefcase. The team consisted of a super-hot jock type twenty-something and his chubby, out-of-shape losery brother who lived with their mom. And they lived in San Francisco. Which I visited once and it wasn’t as exciting as I’d always thought it would be, and it was SO COLD and I was underdressed for the occasion. But in places? There was poetry on the streets. Like, pavers with poetry written on it on the street. So I loved that. They got in the car and drove to where they wanted to drop it – a restaurant where no one knew the hot brother ate a lot. It was closed. So then they drove around kind of aimlessly calling a bunch of people and setting up false alibis like “if the cops call you tell them you saw me and my brother at 9:30 with the briefcase” and “can I hide a briefcase with you but not really ok cool” (this confused me and still does) and then ran out of options so they did a weird U-turn and buried it in a park under some bushes. This is where I decided the best possible outcome for this show would be for a homeless person to find the briefcase, because how awesome would it be if the police found the spot but IT WASN’T THERE and then the team went back all cocky and were all “Whaaa?” and then the cameras found a homeless guy strutting down the street in a fancy suit drinking Courvoisier and smoking a fancy Cuban cigar or something? Totally awesome, that’s how awesome. Anyway, they buried it, then went to a gas station and washed their hands really well so it didn’t look like they’d been digging in the dirt, then the hour was up so they got taken into fake custody by the cops. 

So the cops were the two investigators, who went around town checking out leads, like the people who were called on the cell phone and the different places along the GPS route, and the interrogators, who were a nice-seeming woman and a shady-seeming man who wore too many rings. This made me distrust him. I don’t know what it is, but if a man is wearing too many rings, I find him untrustworthy, like flashy-mobstery or something. Also his hair was too long and his face was a little rodenty. So they decided that the chubby brother was going to be the weak link and the hot brother was going to be hard to crack. 

Without going into too much detail, they grilled these two dummies for almost the entire time. The hot brother was a cocky son of a bitch. Like, he was that guy in Law and Order that you wanted to kick because you knew he was probably the serial rapist. “Oh! Yeah! Bring! It! On!” he told the interrogators.  Apparently, this was a dream of his, outsmarting the cops. The dumb brother? He BROKE DOWN. He could NOT handle this. Like, he was the WORST liar ever. “Why did you call Pedro?” “Um. Because. Um. The case? To. Hide? Driving. Money?” “ARE YOU LYING TO US?” *weeping* WORST CRIMINAL EVER, this guy. This isn’t even a REAL INTERROGATION, fella. Like, you’re not going to jail for this, you know. He was so scared. And the hot brother kept saying how slow and fat the other brother was! And the interrogators would come back and tell the chubby brother this! And he’d get all quiet and sad and his eyes would go all wide like he was imagining his life in the big house!  

Things that happened that bear mentioning:

• The cops had a list of the people that were called on the cell phone. The people that were called lied to them. They then crossed them off the list as potential suspects, based on the lie. So, if I’m figuring this correctly, the briefcase could have been with one of the accomplices and the cops, who blindly accepted “I’m too busy for you to search my apartment right now” as an answer to one of their questions, would never have found it. This does not instill confidence.
• Good cop, bad cop IS REALLY A THING. The interrogators kept using it. It did not fool hot brother. It did fool chubby brother.
• At one point, the investigators called the brother’s mom to get an address from her. They flat-out lied to her. “We’re friends with your sons and they need your other son’s address because they’re both unable to come to the phone right now to ask you for it themselves and they want to go to his house.” AND SHE GAVE IT TO THEM. Um. Mom? If you’re reading this? DO NOT FALL FOR THIS CLEVER RUSE IF IT HAPPENS TO YOU. Because it is how KILLERS find out PERSONAL INFO ABOUT YOU. The mom FELL for this? How were BOTH sons not able to come to the phone? How did both of her sons not know her third son’s address? Why didn’t her son’s friend give his name? And at the end of the call, she said, “Call anytime if you need anything else!” and the cops chuckled and said “Oh, we will. WE WILL.” Nefarious! So I’m pretty sure identity thieves would have a field day with this woman. “We need your social security number? For your son? We are his friend? He is in Africa? On safari? Also your date of birth?” “Of course, darlin’! Anytime! It’s 001-…”
• The cops went door to door asking if anyone had seen one of the cell phone people. One of the people they asked was my favorite person on the show. When he saw the photo, he said in an exhausted voice, “That looks like any of the frat boys I see EVERY DAY.” Ha! Way to be world-weary, San Franciscan. And way to have a generic photo, cops.
• The interrogators kept saying things like “There’s SOMETHING about this RESTAURANT” or “There’s SOMETHING about the guy they called at 9:53” when there WASN’T.

I know you’re wondering, because I rudely spoiled you, how did the cops find the briefcase?

Chubby brother cracked!

He got all stir-crazy, because apparently he was misinformed and thought that 48 hours = 48 years? Or was in video game withdrawal and wanted to go home because they showed what he did for a living and it seemed to be working at McDonalds and playing video games? I don’t know. The weird U-turn led them to think something had happened in the park where they buried the case. So they were interrogating him under hot lights and they said something about “So was that BEFORE or AFTER you buried the case in the park” and he said “After” and then you could see “OH SHIT” cross his face, poor chubby going-nowhere brother, and then he started crying again, and they were all, “You want to go home, don’t you,” and he was all, “Uh huh,” and they left very gleeful. And the cops found the case, and the best moment was the interrogators telling the cocky brother they found the case in the park and him pretending that was false, and saying, “Huh, how did they find it there?” and BAM, the cops came in and bashed it on the table in front of him. And at the end of the show the chubby brother couldn’t even look his brother in the eye, and the cocky brother said something in his exit interview like “And even though my brother cracked I still love him” but in a way that you knew it really meant “I’d like him to be eaten by a wolverine.” 

So what did we learn, here? 

• Well, in real life, don’t answer police questions without your lawyer present. Seriously. Bad, bad idea. 
• Don’t bury $100,000 in the park. Where is a better choice? I don’t know. I’m not a contestant. And I’d have no idea where to hide the money if I was, because honestly, I’d panic and crash the car in the first 2 minutes and spend the next 58 dealing with Geico.
•  This show is probably geared to subliminally make you think “there is no way I can outsmart the police so I shouldn’t commit a crime.” And yeah, you shouldn’t commit a crime anyway, because LISTEN, I totally watch crime shows, DNA is EVERYWHERE, don’t even BOTHER.  I am curious if the contestants are ever going to win. Because if they do, will that be a blueprint on how to outsmart the cops? And if so, I don’t think ABC will want to air that, will they? Curious. 
• This is really kind of perfect summer TV. It doesn’t make you think too hard; you can do other things while it’s on; it’s not very intelligent; and it’s a little weird. 

However, their host is someone named “The Mystery Man” which is just stupid.

PHIL KEOGHAN SHOULD HOST EVERYTHING.

We open on a woman, who reads too many books in a year...

I watched the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Movie today. First, kudos to Martin Freeman, who I am convinced can do no wrong. I have not (ironically enough) seen him in the role that made him a household name, the original version of The Office, but have loved him in everything I have seen him in, especially my beloved PBS Sherlock reboot (with the equally wonderful - and pleasingly-named - Benedict Cumberbatch.) Also, wonderful voice-casting of Alan Rickman as Marvin the paranoid android. Rickman's haunting, deadpan voice was perfect there.

However - the entire middle of the movie? I have no idea what happened. It wasn't from the book. Maybe it was from a book further on in the series? I'll admit I only read the first book. If so, why would you do that? The book is excellent as-is. There is no need for that. A friend told me that the author liked to tweak the movies to see how upset the viewers would get - if that's the case, kind of adorable. But it was awful. (Also, the special effects weren't great, and the movie was only 6 years old.)

I had a discussion with a friend about Hollywood versions of beloved books. She said she never watched them, because she'd learned from experience that Hollywood ruins excellent books. So today I did some thinking: I love watching movies based on my favorite books, and find that most of the time, the results are good, but sometimes...no. Some that came to mind today:

Movie better than book (but the book was still excellent)
Atonement
Stand by Me
Brokeback Mountain
The Color Purple
Clueless (I know, I'm a Philistine)
Forrest Gump (actually, the book this is based on? Not so great.)
The House of Sand and Fog
The Natural
A River Runs Through It
True Blood (I know it's a TV show, but it counts, and it's brilliant. The books are fun; the show is amazing.)

Both book and movie equally amazing
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the original - love Johnny Depp, but didn't care for the reboot)
Cold Mountain 
Fight Club
The entire Harry Potter series (they've stuck to the magic of the books, and the movies have paid off)
Holes
The Ice Storm
In Her Shoes
The Outsiders
The Princess Bride (however, this is a trick, because the movie and book were written at the same time)
Mean Girls
The Shawshank Redemption
The Shining (Jack Nicholson version)
Field of Dreams
The Virgin Suicides
The World According to Garp
Wonder Boys
The Social Network
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (and the sequels) (the foreign films were brilliant)

Passable
Bastard out of Carolina
The Deep End of the Ocean
Bridge to Terebithia
Cider House Rules (had to leave out so much to make the two-hour mark that it broke my heart)
Like Water for Chocolate (the book is pure poetry; the movie doesn't quite hit the mark)
Lolita (the original film version)
Pet Semetary (ok, it's not high cinema - but if you didn't cringe when "Gage wants to play with YOUUU" cuts that Achilles tendon, you're a liar)
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
A Slipping-Down Life
Where the Heart Is
Door in the Floor (too much was left out of the Irving book to even count this one, almost)
Of Mice and Men (of course the book is better - but the John Malkovich movie is very good)

Flat-out terrible, and I want my money back
Dreamcatcher (this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in the theater in my life - my friend and I had the giggles so badly we almost had to leave as we were disturbing people)
Flowers in the Attic (the book was awful to start, but strangely compelling. The movie was just awful)
The Golden Compass (I don't really want my money back, but there's no way the movie could live up to the book, and it didn't even come close)
The Haunting (why would you do something like this to Shirley Jackson's lovely little book? Speaking of which...)
The Lottery (this was a TV movie. Starring, if I remember correctly, Steven Weber of Wings. And it was one of the worst things I've ever seen)
Hotel New Hampshire (dated if you watch it now, and the book was great and stands the test of time)
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the Jim Carrey version, of course - nightmare-inducing)
Lolita (the remake with Jeremy Irons - unneccessary and pervy rather than poetic)
Simon Birch (worst thing ever, in the history of ever, with a side dish of what the hell were you smoking?)
The Shining (Steven Weber version, I sense a pattern)
Stardust (aka, "what did you do to one of my favorite books, you bastards?" This was blasphemous)
The Time Traveller's Wife (no. Didn't retain the love or magic of the book at all)
Wuthering Heights (the MTV musical version - did anyone other than me see this? It's the worst thing ever)

In a league of their own
The Twilight books and movies (hate both so much for what they are and what they represent I can't even categorize them with everything else because they will poison the rest of the list with their evil)

In looking this over, I actually like more than I don't (and I know there are some missing - if I hadn't seen the movie and read the book, and didn't have strong feelings about both, I didn't put it on the list.)

I am excited about the HBO miniseries of American Gods, The Help, the American version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and The Hunger Games. I'm an optimist, I guess. Or I just crave seeing what I've seen in my head on a screen. It's like meeting an internet friend in person for the first time. Will they live up to expectations?