Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

I have a problem.

What do these names have in common?

John Bender
Chuck Bass
William Pratt
Damon Salvatore
Heathcliff Earnshaw
Gabriel Gray
Logan Echolls

If you say they’re all fictional characters, well, yes, you are correct.

If you’re reading the list and you’re seeing a correlation between some of them, but you don’t know who William Pratt or Gabriel Gray are, would it make any difference to you if I added their more commonly-used nicknames to the list? Here. Here is an amended list. Just for you.

John Bender
Chuck Bass
William “The Bloody” Pratt, a.k.a. Spike
Damon Salvatore
Heathcliff Earnshaw
Gabriel “Sylar” Gray
Logan Echolls

Better?

(And yes, I realize that Heathcliff, not actually being an Earnshaw, doesn’t ever get the surname, but the list looked weird if he only had one name, like Cher or Madonna. And also, I’ve always assumed he was Mr. Earnshaw’s bastard son, and therefore very much an Earnshaw, and also therefore, making his relationship with Cathy ever-so-much-more disturbing, if that’s even possible.)

Yes, they’re all fictional characters. 

They’re also all complete dicks.

And I’m completely in love with all of them.

I have an addiction to the anti-hero.

Not just the anti-hero, either. The dickiest dick of an anti-hero, that’s the one I want. The one that would sell out his own mother and kill your sister and sleep with your best friend and eat all of your Teddy Grahams AND NEVER EVER BUY YOU ANY TO REPLACE THEM OR APOLOGIZE FOR IT.

There are heroes, there are anti-heroes, and there are these kind of guys. The Byronic anti-heroes. The broken ones. The ones that have been so scarred by something in their past that they’re never going to be any good or at all trustworthy but maybe, just maybe, you can be the one who fixes them. You can be the one person that uncovers the treasure, that unearths the jewel hiding behind the grime and filth, that reaches in and fixes what’s been broken and they’ll be loyal to you, and only you, for all time.

In fiction, it’s easy to see what’s so compelling about characters like these. They’re a hell of a lot more readable/watchable than the boring heroes or even the less ambiguous anti-heroes. They’re evil. They do evil things. But if they were just evil, they’d start being boring. We keep coming back because they have hidden motives, they have a rich interior monologue, and every once and a while, a bit of humanity will peep out of their dark places.

Bender will torment a bullied student, but then tell the story of how his father burned him with cigarettes.

Logan will force homeless men to fight for money, but then be forced to walk to the closet to pick out the belt that his father will beat him with that night.

Spike will stalk and kill people in the bloodiest fashion imaginable, but then remember people mocking him for having a crush on a popular girl when he was young.

And you can’t hate them. You can’t, because you see that humanity, and it softens you on them. You just know you could fix them, if given the chance. You see how loyal they are to the few people they let in behind their very high walls and you love them, despite their wrongdoings, no matter how bad they are.

The problem is, this doesn’t hold true in real life.

Let’s take Heathcliff. I assume most of you have read Wuthering Heights, either on your own or as an assignment for a class, or watched one of the million movie adaptations. In case you haven’t, or need a refresher, here you go:

Heathcliff is adopted by the Earnshaw family, and is supposedly a gypsy child (but it’s slightly hinted at that he might be the bastard child of Mr. Earnshaw, which makes for a much better backstory, in my opinion.) He falls in love with his foster sister, Catherine. Catherine and he have a tumultuous relationship, which is characterized by mental and physical abuse on both sides. When his foster father dies, his foster brother forces him to become a servant to the family. Catherine decides she wants to become a lady, and begins hanging out with a higher-class family and spurns Heathcliff, who is now her servant. She marries into the higher-class family despite loving Heathcliff, because he is too low-class for her. He is obsessive and furious and there is a lot of hitting and throwing and such. He runs off, makes a lot of money in shady ways, comes home rich, and seduces Catherine’s sister-in-law and marries her as revenge on both Catherine (who he knows still loves him) and her husband. Catherine is furious and dies not long afterwards in childbirth. Heathcliff abuses his wife in every way possible, for the simple reason that she isn’t Catherine, yet she still loves him completely. He then, over the years, continues to get revenge on everyone who has slighted him, while obsessing over his dead lover, by playing their children against one another. Eventually he dies because he is haunted by Catherine’s ghost. 

This isn’t a very good recap, because it leaves out the simple fact that, no matter what Heathcliff does, and no matter how awful he is, and no matter how he treats the people around him (especially the women) like pawns on a chessboard, HE COMES ACROSS AS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. I don’t know how this works but it totally does. I have had a crush on Heathcliff and his obsessive love for his possible half-sister since I was twelve. No, it’s not a crush. I am head-over-heels for Heathcliff. I read it, and the intelligent part of me KNOWS what a dick he is, but the stupidly romantic part of me is very squishy and foolish and thinks “I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME LIKE THAT.”

Here’s the problem.

I had a Heathcliff, once. I was young, and it seemed very romantic. Phone calls at all hours. Declarations of love after knowing one another for a few days. Threats of bodily harm if we could not be together forever. But come to find out, there’s nothing romantic about dating a Heathcliff. Heathcliff, whose passion and fury seem very good on paper, in real life, is scary. Really, really scary. Restraining-order scary.

You do not, under any circumstances, want a real-life Heathcliff, or Damon Salvatore, or John Bender. They are broken. YOU CAN’T FIX THEM. They have to fix themselves, or get professional help for the fixing. Maybe, once they’re fixed, they’ll be up for public consumption again, but until that day, they are off the market. Don’t even try to fix them. It’s a losing proposition. You’ll just frustrate yourself and you also run the risk of getting seriously hurt, in one way or the other, in the process.

I walk the fine line of loving my fictional anti-heroes and keeping away from anyone who shows signs of being this person in real life. There’s nothing inherently bad, I suppose, in loving the fictional anti-hero. Like I said, they’re a lot more watchable/readable. They’re richer, fuller characters. I am bored to tears by the traditional hero who swoops in with motives pure as the driven snow to save the day. The reluctant slacker anti-hero, drawn into service without any desire to be there, is a little more interesting but not much. I want the twisty anti-hero. I want a backstory full of shadow and substance and a character molded by forces that did not have his best interests at heart. I want a nature versus nurture struggle. I want a twirly mustache and a big black hat hiding a heart of gold.

The problem is when you let that bleed over into real life.

In real life, even when I think that’s what I want, I now know it’s not. I know what Heathcliff really looks like, when he steps off the page. A petulant child. A broken pouting bully. Someone who wants to take everyone around him down with him. I don’t want that or deserve that. I’ve had that. I did my time with that. No more of that.

Things are always prettier in fiction. I’ll keep my anti-heroes there, where they can wreak havoc safely for my entertainment purposes. I’ll stick with my fictional dark and twisty guys. I can close the book or turn off the television when I’m done with them. A twelve-step program (“Learn to love the bland! Learn to embrace the safe!”) probably wouldn’t do me much good. I’m not ready to give them up quite yet.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I Say No, No, No

I was lucky enough to spend some time with my favorite little person this weekend. (That makes it sound like I have a preferred adult who is height-challenged, like the Wizard of Oz munchkins, and we hang out. Sorry. Poorly phrased.) The Nephew has recently turned two, and although we've all heard horror stories about "The TERRIBLE TWOS," I don't think he's in the least bit terrible. What he is is opinionated.

The Nephew knows what he likes and what he doesn't. If he likes something, he wants that. Now. And he's not to be dissuaded from it unless he finds something else he likes better. If he doesn't like something, he's equally passionate about that. How he lets you know he doesn't like whatever the thing is?

"NO."

"NO," I don't want to read the book about Buzz Lightyear, I want to read the book about Lightning McQueen.

"NO," I don't want my juice at this moment.

"NO," I don't want to play on the swing, I want to go down the slide.

Sometimes he elaborates; you also get a "No no no," a "No don't DO that," and, my favorite, "Don't sing that song," directed at me (the kid knows I can't sing. Already! So intelligent! I suppose it could be that he didn't like the song, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't the case. Who doesn't like "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers"?)

I am in awe of his conviction. I absolutely adore it. If that sounds sarcastic, you're taking it wrong. I think it's amazing. I know, as we age, we can no longer just scream "NO!" when something occurs that we don't want, agree with, or like. I know, as the adults in his life, his parents, my parents, and his extended family, of which I am a part, are in charge of discouraging this behavior. Soon, it will no longer be accepted, as he will no longer be an adorable toddler but a school-age child, expected to get along with others. As adults, even as children, we have things to worry about: people's feelings, our jobs, people's opinions of us, and acting like a well-behaved member of society, where screaming "NO!" will get you at least, strange looks in public, and, at most, committed.

There are situations, however, where I vow, following his example, to start using The Nephew's vehement NO.

NO, I will not feel guilty about the things I am excited about. I am a proud geek; I no longer have to hide this fact. I will not pretend I watched American Idol last night; instead, if you ask, I will tell you I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD for the fifteenth time. I will not be embarrassed and make a sad face and say, "I know, I'm so crazy!" when you tell me "but EVERYONE likes Extreme Makeover: Home Edition!" and look at me like I'm deficient for not watching it. I will not hide the title of the book I'm reading and tell you it's "some silly fantasy novel;" I'll tell you, instead, that I'm reading A Game of Thrones, and proudly. I will let my geek flag fly and I will stop my self-deprecatory behavior when it pertains to my interests. If I can be myself online I can let that bleed into my real life.

NO, I will not act like I know nothing about politics because I don't want to get involved in a debate. We may disagree, but my opinions are just as valid as yours. And, additionally, NO, I will not accept it when, instead of having a rational discussion, you start screaming or telling me that I, or my opinions, or my point of view, are stupid. I, and they, are not, no more than you, or yours, are. We are adults and can have a rational, adult discussion without raised voices or namecalling.

NO, I will not feel guilty about blocking people from my various social networking sites whose contributions I find harassing, derogatory, rude, unnecessarily vulgar, or overly avid to the point of borderline stalkishness. I will not spend days worrying what they will think, say or do if I block them; I will just block them, because life is too short to voluntarily invite emotional vampires into one's life.

NO, I will not allow work to get to me, mentally, to the point where I am weeping in the bathroom and letting what happens to me during office hours color the rest of my day. Most people don't like their jobs; I just tend to take my dislike more personally than most. I will act like an adult, grow a pair, and use my words.

NO, I will not say yes when I really mean no. Not for big things, anyway. Small things can't be avoided, but there's nothing worse than looking back on something you've gotten yourself into because you didn't say no in the first place when you knew you should have.

NO, I do not like it when you choose to make eye contact with my chest, rather than my eyes. I don't find it flattering and I don't find it sexy. If you can't be bothered to make eye contact, then I can't be bothered to continue this conversation, take you seriously, or give my full attention to whatever it is you are attempting to tell me to do. Demeaning me by regarding me as a body part rather than an intelligent, capable woman is not acceptable.

NO, I will no longer overextend myself to the point of getting 4 hours of sleep a night. I deserve better than this. I am no longer a teenager who can do this on a regular basis. I will stop accepting tasks that require me to stay up long past the time I should be asleep; if that means I can't participate in activities I find enjoyable, then those activities will have to go on without me.

NO, I will no longer second-guess my emotions. I feel the way I feel. People, and myself, telling me "you're being silly" or "that's not the way it happened" is belittling me, my experience, and what I'm going through. If something has upset me, there is a reason for it. Don't tell me it's because I'm "overemotional," "tired," or "melodramatic." I may be all three of those things, but there's a deeper problem as well.

NO, I will no longer look in the mirror and see nothing but my flaws. I will see them (let's be honest, I don't know anyone who's confident enough to look in a mirror and not see any flaws at all), but I will also see a strong, capable, intelligent, one-of-a-kind woman looking back at me, and I will be proud of her and all she's been through that has gotten her to where she is today.

Eventually, The Nephew will get over his "NO"'s, and things will be quieter for us all. I, for one, will miss them, a little. They're brave, those no's. They know what they want. They don't give a shit what anyone else thinks. They deserve celebration.