Fall Television: What Not to Watch. I Managed Not to Vomit While Typing this Post. You're Proud, Right?

I'm home sick today. Do most people enjoy their days home sick, I mean, despite the sick part, of course? I just lay around feeling guilty and worried that there are a million things to do at work and I left all of that work for my co-workers and that's just about the rudest thing ever. But then I realize I probably would pass out on the drive over because I just drove to Rite Aid for sick-person supplies and also chocolate because listen, I'm not spending an entire DAY in this place without any CHOCOLATE, are you INSANE? and on the drive over I got woozy and thought, huh, that would be an interesting way to go, less than a mile from your own home, because someone at some point really should have come up with a delivery service that brings sick-person supplies to sick people so they are not forced to go out when they feel like death. Fine, yes, I know most sick people have someone they can call in situations like this, like their husband, or a close friend, and say, hey, husband or close friend, please run over to the drugstore and get me some ibuprofen and a bag of those Halloween mini Reese's Pumpkins because they are the best things ever ever ever. But I not only don't have that, I would not ever ask someone to do that. I think that's overstepping. Everyone I know is at work! What, they're going to drop everything and run errands for me? Who do I think I am, the Queen of England? I don't have handmaidens! On a related note, how does one get handmaidens, exactly? You can send me an email if you don't want it to be public knowledge. I can be discreet about handmaiden-obtaining.

Um. Yeah. I'm kind of rambling. I AM VERY SICK AND ALSO IN PAIN DEAL WITH IT. Earlier I couldn't get out of bed for a really long time and I just lay there and lay there (maybe I laid there, now I have to look that up because it's one of those grammar rules that gets me every time, like the word "grateful" which every time I type I think it should be "greatful" because listen, someone did something GREAT for you! So shouldn't you be GREAT-ful? But you are not, you are grateful, which grates on my nerves. See what I did there? I AM AWESOME WITH WORDS.) OK, Google says earlier when I was in bed I was laying in it. So my first impulse was the correct one. Winner winner ding ding ding. Anyway, I have no idea where this was going. Oh. So I was in the bed, laying or lying or just generally hating life, and that's pretty much it, I guess. I have no idea what the point of that was. That I'm dying, maybe. Probably pretty much dying.

FINE! That is not what I came to talk about today. TODAY I wanted to talk about a very, very important topic: fall television.

OK, fall television is what I live for. It is my Olympics. I make lists, people. LISTS. I pro and con what is coming out; I make viewing plans; I am very, very organized about fall television. I know what I'm going to watch months before it's even happening.

This time around, though, let's discuss things that I will NOT be watching. Shows that seem, to me, to be a gigantic misstep. I'm only singling out the ones that I really, really, will HARDCORE not be watching. There are quite a few I won't be watching, but these I really will VOCALLY not be watching.

Last Man Standing

Description: A comedy about a man who lives in a world dominated by women.

Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis, and some other people I don't know or care about

No, thanks! OK, first? I can't STAND Tim Allen. I see Tim Allen, I am immediately sucked back to when I was young and my household's favorite program was Home Improvement and I HATED Home Improvement but we always had to watch it and everyone would laugh because ha ha! So super-funny! But it WAS NOT FUNNY. It was STUPID. This looks stupid, too, even though I will always kind of love Nancy Travis a little for her role in So I Married an Axe Murderer. She's made some missteps since then, though. And I find Tim Allen very annoying and grating. The only place I like Tim Allen is as a voice in the Toy Story franchise.

I think it bears noting that I hate most sitcoms, especially ones with laugh tracks. I know I should try to get into both How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory but I just can't. Traditional multi-camera sitcoms and I just don't play well together.

Man Up!

Description: Do you really need one? Even this title makes me want to punch something. FINE. Three men who act childishly decide it's time to start acting like adults.

Starring: a bunch of people I've never seen before and Teri Polo from Meet the Fockers.

Ugh, Really? There are all these things all over the place that are saying this is "the next big thing." You know what's the next big thing? NOT WATCHING GARBAGE. This will probably end up being popular and you can all tell me to suck it but I'm not watching ANYTHING called Man Up! because I think that title sucks, this premise is hackneyed and overdone, what's with the exclamation point!, and honestly I'd rather be sneezed on repeatedly by a llama than sit through this nonsense. Man Up!? Really? OK, you're all aware that's offensive and people try not to say that anymore because feminists and, well, WOMEN find it offensive because it implies that whatever the behavior that the person is doing that is undesirable is feminine, weak, and therefore bad, right? Please research things with real test markets before putting them on television. Thank you.

Whitney

Description: An opinionated woman uses unconventional methods to keep the spark alive in her relationship with her long-suffering boyfriend. (I added the "suffering" part. If you've seen the trailers for this you know why.)

Starring: some comedian that people seem to know that I've never heard of before named Whitney Cummings, random people, and Jane Kaczmarek (poor Jane Kaczmarek)

This is in the death slot. There's always one show that's combined with the powerhouse group of The Office, Community, 30 Rock, and Parks and Recreation, and this year Whitney got the dubious honor. Two years ago it was that shitstorm of a show Kath and Kim, and last year it was the obnoxious and offensive Outsourced. NBC! Is there a method to your madness? Why put an awful show in with your good ones? Is it so I have a chance to go to the bathroom and do the dishes? No? Because that's what I do when the show airs. And that's what I'll do when this airs, too. The commercials make it look like it's possibly a joke the network is playing on us. There are a million commercials, too. And a million print ads! Why is there so much money being spent on this? I am very, very confused about this situation.

The X Factor

Description: HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER AN EFFING ROCK? It's American Idol for solo artists or groups with no age limit. It's where Simon Cowell went when he left American Idol in a huffy odd way.

Starring: wannabe Kelly Clarksons, Simon Cowell, and Paula Abdul. A Pussycat Doll. Some other judges that if I cared about pop music more, I'd probably recognize their names.

OK, here's a confession, and I'm pretty much the only person in America that feels this way, and so probably this makes me a terrorist, but I don't care about singing shows. I don't watch American Idol. I don't watch The Voice. And I won't watch this. I DON'T CARE. The winner of these shows is the person who DOESN'T win because once they do win, they have to sing whatever overdone crap the record company makes them sing and it is awful and embarrassing. I don't enjoy it; I can't judge who's good because I'm basically tone-deaf and I can pick who I like best but it's usually the person who gets sent home that week; and there are SO SO MANY OF THEM ZOMG. Why so many of these? Now there are three? Really? That seems like overkill! And it's such a time commitment to watch these things! Auditions, shows, results shows, they're on like three nights a week! No, thank you, Simon, you and your tight black tees will get a pass from me, thanks. Don't worry, I'm not watching any of the others, either. Just don't care.

There are shows I am excited about coming up, both new and returning; but those are for another post, as my ibuprofen has worn off and I am in a lot of pain and it's ALL FOR YOU, readers, I hope you are super-happy. I'm going to zone out on the couch now and make that noise that Harry made in When Harry Met Sally when he was lonely and didn't want Meg Ryan to hang up. Blergh.