Ill-Prepared = FOREVER ALONE. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I was talking to a friend the other day about online dating, which intrigues me because I’ve had such weird experiences with it. “What do you talk about?” I asked her. “I don’t know, just stuff,” she said. Well, that’s vague. I pressed for more information. “Getting-to-know-you stuff, I guess,” she said. “Like, you ask each other questions, and get to know each other. And if you like each other, you see each other again. Or if they’re not a serial killer, or whatever.”
 

Well! This is important information. This is probably something I need to be prepared for! I like to study up for potential test situations. What if I were to go on a date and was not prepared properly with the getting to know you answers? Then I might come across as a serial killer, and a second date might not happen! Catastrophe!

 

So in order to prepare for this highly-unlikely date scenario, I found a list of potential getting-to-know-you questions, and will now let you have a peek at the answers. Because you might also want to prepare for this scenario! I will totally let you cheat from my answers. I don’t have a problem with sharing my crib sheet with you on this particular test. I don’t want any of my readers to be denied love because they come across as a serial killer. That would be a very sad situation! Everyone deserves love, after all. Well, except serial killers. Because they would probably just eat their significant other anyway, or at least carve them up like a Butterball or something.

 

Potential Getting-to-Know-You-Questions (with answers that you are free to steal unless your answers are better or less neurotic)

 

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

I don’t know. Macaroni and cheese, I think. Or grilled cheese. I’m going to say something with cheese. Would this endear me to a potential mate, or make him think I have a problem with saying no to dairy? Honestly, I don’t think I could fall in love with someone who didn’t appreciate cheese.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

Um. I don’t. Have? An iPod. Sorry. I KNOW. I know this makes me look like a crazy-person Luddite. I’m sorry. I have a weirdo off-name-brand MP3 player that won’t let me take off the songs I loaded four years ago and also eats batteries at a weird rate, and all my music is on my phone so I kind of listen to it there? Also I have a CD player from ten years ago that still works so I use that. And I listen to the radio. STOP BEING JUDGEY.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

I’ll be in my bunk.

I’m pretty sure if I said that on a date, the date would do one of three things: get it, and we’d live happily ever after; get it, and think I was hitting on him and the date would turn pervy, which may or may not be a good thing depending on how the date is going; not get it and be super-confused (in which case we’re probably not meant to be anyway.)

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

I’m confused about the wording of this question. Are you asking two questions – what I like to do indoors, and, also, what I like to do outdoors? Or is it an activity I can do in both places? I’m going to say text. You can do that anywhere. Including while peeing. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER DO THAT OF COURSE HOW TOTALLY UNSANITARY.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Cleaning the cat litter. Who likes that? It’s poo. Nothing’s fun about poo. These questions aren’t really making the date all about sexy-time.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it reveals that I don’t care for any forms of exercise at all.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

I don’t know, “least” favorite? That’s an odd thing to ask someone. Burro? They seem like they’d be uncomfortable.

What is your favorite body part?

Nope. Perv territory. Not happening. Wait til I get to know you better, imaginary internet date.

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for?

I wouldn’t. I hate parties. And also people. WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME INTERNET DATE.

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?

Wow, I can NOT paint. Or draw. I am AWFUL. I mean, I could TRY, but it would just be a total blobby mess. Probably Italy, because Italy was gorgeous, but I wouldn’t try. It would be an insult to Italy. They might hire mafia hitmen to come and kneecap me.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I don’t like this question because every age has pros and cons. I would like to be an age where I don’t have to work, but also don’t have to deal with puberty or high school, but also can drive, vote, and make my own decisions. So I guess 79. Also at that age I plan on having a cane and whacking people with it. Old people can get away with that shit. I’m eagerly anticipating that.

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?

I’m guessing I would spend less time dicking around on the internet. Also, probably I’d eat more bread. Once the world ends, no one’s going to say “I ate too much bread.” Mostly, they’re going to mourn the fact that they didn’t eat ENOUGH bread. So, yeah, lots and lots of bread, I think.

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?

If someone asked me this question I think I might go to the bathroom and then climb out the window because it’s annoying. I don’t want a mentor. I’ve never had a mentor and it doesn’t sound like something I’d want. What if you disappointed your mentor? You’d be feeling guilty about that for ages. I want a mentor I can’t disappoint. Leif Garrett. I want Leif Garrett as a mentor.

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

I have about a kajillion things I’d like to learn to do. I guess probably walk without falling is the most pressing, though. Or eat without dropping food on my blouse. That’s probably not the answer you’re going to want to use on your hypothetical date. Choose something sexier, like riding horses or competitive breakdancing.

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?

I can’t imagine anything different than I normally do. What WOULD one do if one were immortal for a day? Jump off a building? That seems irresponsible. Go save people from a fire, I suppose, something along those lines, I don’t know. You only have one day, how would you even know where the fires were happening? Are you asking me if I’d SET the fire? I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER. Stop with your trick questions.

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

I would LOVE to change my first name because there are 8 million people with my same name and also it’s TOO DAMN PERKY and I am NOT a perky person. I want to be something serious. Like Gertrude. You do NOT think Gertrude is going to be all giggles and sunshine. Gertrude is serious and Germanic and you do NOT screw with Gertrude. I approve.

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?

I don’t think you’re 100% on how reincarnation works. Animal, sure, but I don’t think you can get reincarnated as an inanimate object or abstract idea. But I’ll play along, internet date. Animal – some sort of jungle cat. Or possibly the honey badger, because, as you should be well-aware, the honey badger does NOT give a shit. Drink? Again, I must protest because this is not how reincarnation works. Lemonade? I don’t know. That’s foolish. Ice cream flavor? Sigh. Something almondy. You totally lost points with this question. I think you should know that. Like, to the point you’re probably not going to get laid tonight.

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?

I think it’s funny you don’t allow me to know the answer to THAT question. What are you HIDING, internet date? I guess my #1 question right now is what makes you think we get reincarnated as ice cream flavors? Did you read that in a book? I can’t imagine you did.

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?

Do people actually get “mistaken” for celebrities? I don’t. At one point, many years ago, someone told me I reminded them of Janeane Garofalo, but she kind of looks weird now and is super-thin and has lots of tattoos so I think that’s not really the case anymore.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Um. I – um. Are you on an imaginary date with someone a lot younger than me?

Fine. A ninja.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?

OMGWTFBBQ.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

I can’t control my mouth, especially when people are being complete and total dumbasses. Case in point: if  you die tomorrow, do you think you might be reincarnated as a gummi bear? If so, what flavor, and who would you want to eat you?

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?

I don’t want to answer all of those so I’ll just answer one. Worst received – lacy underwear by a creepy neighbor when I was WAY too young for sexy panties.

At what age did you become an adult?

You ask a lot of questions about my age/maturity level, and I’m kind of wondering if our date was set up in a To Catch a Predator chatroom. I don’t know. I moved out and on my own at 17. I still feel immature sometimes; sometimes I feel a million years old. You’re creeping me out a little.

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.

You know what made this question awesome? The “elaborate” part. It’s like an essay question on the SAT! I did NOT bring my #2 pencil. In this digital age where everyone has something to say about everything: yes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Are they words that are worth SAYING, is really the question. And the answer to that, is no, not usually.

Where’s Waldo?

Um. With your mom?

The best part of waking up is?

Folgers in your cup? You wanted me to say something sexy here, didn’t you. I’m sorry. I don’t think this date is heading in that direction at all.

How now brown cow?

The hell?

Whasssssuuuupppppp?

Check, please.