Last month, I did a very successful advice column in which I helped many, many people with very important issues. We discussed things like how to make men like you, and annoying people, and the Alvin and the Chipmunks theme. So of course this month, I was SURE I’d have a ton of questions. I mean, seriously, if I wasn’t me, I’d take advantage of my helpfulness and amazing advice-giving capabilities! But I AM me, and I cannot even tell you how well that’s going for me. I was telling Luis Fernando, my poolboy, just the other day – oh, have I not told you about Luis Fernando? Yes, he’s Argentinian, and quite a catch! I’ll have to have you over sometime, his caipirinhas are to die for, he muddles divinely. Anyhoo. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Nando and I were just saying, over sugarcane beverages and footrubs, what an excellent exciting time it is to be me, darling, I can’t even express the fabulosity of this existence!
FINE there is no Luis Fernando or fancy beverages and I hate footrubs but my place DOES have a really scuzzy pool over by the laundry room where there are always kids that look like they have ringworm, are you satisfied? SEND ME SOME DAMN QUESTIONS ALREADY I AM EXCELLENT AT ANSWERING THEM.
I got two questions this month. TWO! I am putting my complete and total expertise out there and you are not taking advantage. How often does a total stranger let you take advantage of them online without it being a sting operation? Not very damn often. It’s usually the other way around and it’s a Nigerian prince trying to steal your money or tell you about the lottery you won that you never played.
I expect better from you, internet. I really do. FOR SHAME. Well, except the two questions that WERE submitted. All good things to you, question-submitters. As a thank you, please accept my totally awesome and not-at-all tongue-in-cheek advice.
So I went to Yahoo Answers and got some questions from there so I can help those people. Because listen, have you ever BEEN to Yahoo Answers? THEY NEED MY HELP.
Dear Lucy, Volume Two
(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column)
Q: I’m in need of a real good life quote. What’s your favorite life quote/saying? –THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
A: Well! Hello, Truth. I appreciate that you’ve come to me for guidance. I am super-good at helpful guidance, as seen by last month’s column and above and pretty much everywhere I can be found. Let’s see. You want a quote about life. Here is a quote about life that I think will not only apply to every single situation you encounter, but will make people think you are literate and well-read and possibly a little unhinged and storm-cloudy. “What fresh hell is this?” Dorothy Parker said that. You can have that one, for tee-shirts, or whatever. With my compliments. All for you, Truth! What’s that? You wanted something more cheerful? Well, you’re a little picky, and I don’t think I like your tone. Fine. Then you get “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.” I think you’ll find that one applies to life and to you in particular. Who’s that one from? Google it, Truth. If you can’t use Google, I’m sorry, I can’t help you any further.
Q: Why do gay people think their better than everyone else when god says there not? –OPEN-MINDED
A: I have some questions, actually, before I answer yours, OM. First: grammatically-speaking, can you spot all three of your errors in this question? I'm only speaking grammatically. I'm not speaking dogmatically or even intelligence-wise. Because if we're talking about "are gay people better than me, based on my command of English grammar rules," the answer is YES. YES MOST OF THEM ARE. Second, did God talk to you and tell you that gay people aren't better than everyone else? Or did you read that in the Bible? If so, where, exactly? I'd like chapter and verse, please. Because I know all of the passages that the thumpers like to spout when hate-speechifying, and none of them refer to "and then God spoke and He said 'no man that lyeth down with another man as with a woman is better than everyone else.'" Third, what kind of gay people are you hanging out with? Because the ones I know don't think they're "better" than everyone else. They think they're the SAME as everyone else. And as such, should be afforded the same rights and privileges. So, to answer your not-at-all-hurting-my-brain-and-eyes question, OM, the answer is they don't, and God doesn't, and there = where it is, their = belonging to them, and they're = they are. An example sentence, in which they are all used correctly, is "There is something wrong with people who are vocally homophobic when they're being hate-filled and evil by sharing their views publically in such a fashion."
Q: Why do people who don't believe in marriage get married? Background: a friend is going through a divorce after a year of marriage and, when questioned, said he didn't ever want to get married, he just did it because his girlfriend wanted to. –RENO-STYLE
A: My guess, Reno, is cake. Cake and societal pressure. Both are very strong forces; one for good, one for evil. Let's delve further into this cake issue. Recently, there has been this stupid meme going around Facebook. One of those "tag the top six people in your profile" things. And twice now I've been tagged as "the person most likely to steal and eat all of your wedding cake." Well, that is CORRECT. I don't know about stealing, though. At weddings? THEY GIVE YOU CAKE. It's true! You get cake. On a little plate! And it's usually delicious. Although sometimes it's fruit-filled or has jam and that's just a mean, mean trick. That's like adding raisins to a chocolate chip cookie. Why so mean, fruit people? Wedding cake should not have fruit. Unless it's pineapple. I could be down with pineapple. Anyway, I can see someone who was ambivalent about linking his or her future permanently to someone else's letting their decision be made by cake. I mean, there's a HUGE cake. And it's all for you. (Well, and your guests. But you get first dibs. And probably leftovers.) Second, societal pressure. Society expects us to pair up. And also, the paired-up folks make you WANT to pair up! I mean, you see on television and in movies and whatnot these adorable couples making dinner and finishing each other's sentences and getting all the exciting latte makers in huge piles of wedding gifts and eating all the cake and whatnot, and you want that! YOU TOTALLY WANT THAT. But then reality sets in, and you have someone living in your house ALL THE TIME. And they aren't as nice to you as when you were dating. And they don't leave! When they get annoying, they don't go home! BECAUSE THEY ARE HOME. So you are stuck until you get a divorce. But once you get a divorce, I bet people bring you all kinds of pity cake. So that's kind of a win, if you think about it in a positive light.
Q: Do girls like black hair? --CLARK KENT
A: I would assume so, Clark. Did you hear differently? Did someone tell you, Clark! Dye your hair another color or I'm so not going to the Spring Formal with you? I can't say I 100% understand your question, honestly. You are talking about hair on your head, right, and not weird body hair or something? I think girls might like a lot of things. It changes, as they age. When you're a kid, girls like the boys who make them laugh and share their snacks. When you're a teenager, girls like the boys who...well, make them laugh and share their snacks. And as adults, women like the men who...shit, it doesn't change at all, does it? We all just want a guy who makes us laugh and shares his Combos at recess. The color of a guy's hair really isn't something we consider. Well, not really. We all have preferences, I guess. I'm a fan of ginger boys and don't trust blondes; others might dig brunettes or Mr. Clean bald men, for all I know. I guess my answer is yes, Clark, yes, girls like black hair. Just make sure it's washed. Oh, and don't do that Bieber emo comb-forward shit. It makes me twitchy. Also I Tourette's-like yell out "HOW CAN HE SEE?" when I am around those kids. It's involuntary.
Q: Why does my cat claw the door when I’m in the bathroom, run in when I open the door, and jump on top of the hamper? –KITTY MAMA
A: Because it is a cat. Cats do a lot of stupid things. Sometimes mine gets the heebie-jeebies and I think sees a ghost and starts yowling at the wall and then plays dead and then runs around and his tail gets all big and then attacks my ankle. I don't have an explanation for that, either. My guess is your cat, like almost every cat I've ever met, is a crazy, furry, neurotic mess. The door is SHUT! He wants it OPEN! You are SITTING! He wants to SIT BY YOU! You are PEEING! He wants to ALSO BE IN THE ROOM! Nuts, Kitty. They're nuts. But they're really warm and furry and give headbutts, so we deal with the insanity.
Q: What does it mean when a guy rests his leg against yours under a table? –CURIOUS KATE
A: Kate, this is a very good question. It could mean many things, depending on context. Is the table small? There could be just not enough room and he has no choice. Is there a ton of room under there? He could be participating in frottage. Is he jiggling his leg around a lot? He could be trying to scratch an itch. Is he moving his foot around a lot and is your purse under the table? He could be trying to pickpocket you by grabbing your pursestrap with his foot like in this old movie I watched once and also don't ever put your purse on a restaurant floor because it is FILTHY down there. Oh, I am informed by a friend you are fishing around for me to tell you that he is indicating he is interested in you sexually. Well, that seems to be a very stupid way of showing it. Putting his hot sticky leg on yours? Why doesn't he just club you over the head and cart you off to his cave over his shoulder? The next time you want to know if someone lurrrves you once you start engaging in the phantom leg bumpage, Kate, I suggest simply saying the following (which only works if his name is Frederick): "Frederick, I notice you are resting your leg against mine under the table. I am enjoying this sensation, but am not sure of your intentions. If you are making an overture of romance toward my person, please speak of it to me; I am eager to wed, as I hear there is cake."
Q: Why isn't romance like it is in the movies? –WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
A: Listen, here is a story that might help you in your situation, Sally. Last night, I watched Beastly. Everyone told me I would hate it, not just my friends but reviewers, random people, the person I rented it from, EVERYONE. And I didn't hate it. Now, I know what you're thinking! I am broken and you never want to come to a movie with me. Well, that is TRUE. However! It was kind of touching and really dorky at times and the book was a kajillion times better but it was sweet, aw, and had people I liked in it and also NPH who is my favorite. What? Where am I GOING with this? You obviously don't understand how it works, being a super-awesome advice columnist. You get to the point ORGANICALLY. Like cage-free eggs. Oh, I have no idea where I was going with this. Why isn't romance like it is in the movies? That's a stupid question. NOTHING'S like it is in the movies. Your best friend never falls in love with you, there aren't 80 million serial killers on the loose at any given time, no one has a secret crush on you, there's not always an Armageddon happening, there aren't always car chases, and the guy you fight all the time with doesn't secretly love you, he really does hate you, that's why you're fighting with him. Sorry. If you get a movie romance happening, good for you. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Go take up roller derby or something. Those women seem kick-ass to me.
Q: How do you handle a 45-year old woman who just married a 25-year old and has turned into a huge raging dump toward her children? –GRR, ARGH
A: Grr, this is a shitty situation all around. First, a 25-year old? I'm thinking he heard the cake rumors. When I was 25, I was not ready to get married. Or even do the dishes on a nightly basis, actually. So that's kind of a suspicious thing to me, right there. Second, I'm assuming since they "just" married, they're in the honeymoon phase, which means lots of sex? So maybe just stay away until that's all over with? Although in my experience, all that sex should have a calmative effect and it seems to be doing the opposite with her. I'm at a loss. And I really did want to help. So I'm going to suggest ninja stars. I think they're really the best solution, and no one would suspect you because listen, who has ninja stars just laying around? They would probably suspect the new husband, to be frank. (As as aside, when I was in college, my roommate and I were reading our welcome-to-college brochure, and it had a list of do's and don'ts. And one of the prohibited items was "chukka sticks." So we were all, "What the hell is a chukka stick?" until we realized probably whoever wrote the thing thought that's what kids today were calling nunchucks. This was one of the highlights of my junior year.) And also, nice usage of "huge raging dump." Please to be teaching the grammar to Open-Minded above?
Q: What did you do today, baby? –BINOCULAR BOY
A: I don't...I woke up and came to work and did some work and now I am writing super-good advice ARE YOU WATCHING ME RIGHT NOW? Because that is freaking me OUT. Stop it. STOP IT. Who writes into an advice column with a question like this? DISTRESSING. You know what I DIDN'T do today? Forget to sharpen my knives or load my shotgun. Get out of my tree, McFly, I don't need any Peeping Toms today.
Now you are HELPED. Go! Help others with your newfound wisdom! And the next time I ask you to send me questions, SEND THEM WEIRDOS. I can't help you if you won't let me. And just between us, you totally need it. But your hair or whatever you're wearing today looks fabulous!