Ill-Prepared = FOREVER ALONE. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I was talking to a friend the other day about online dating, which intrigues me because I’ve had such weird experiences with it. “What do you talk about?” I asked her. “I don’t know, just stuff,” she said. Well, that’s vague. I pressed for more information. “Getting-to-know-you stuff, I guess,” she said. “Like, you ask each other questions, and get to know each other. And if you like each other, you see each other again. Or if they’re not a serial killer, or whatever.”
 

Well! This is important information. This is probably something I need to be prepared for! I like to study up for potential test situations. What if I were to go on a date and was not prepared properly with the getting to know you answers? Then I might come across as a serial killer, and a second date might not happen! Catastrophe!

 

So in order to prepare for this highly-unlikely date scenario, I found a list of potential getting-to-know-you questions, and will now let you have a peek at the answers. Because you might also want to prepare for this scenario! I will totally let you cheat from my answers. I don’t have a problem with sharing my crib sheet with you on this particular test. I don’t want any of my readers to be denied love because they come across as a serial killer. That would be a very sad situation! Everyone deserves love, after all. Well, except serial killers. Because they would probably just eat their significant other anyway, or at least carve them up like a Butterball or something.

 

Potential Getting-to-Know-You-Questions (with answers that you are free to steal unless your answers are better or less neurotic)

 

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

I don’t know. Macaroni and cheese, I think. Or grilled cheese. I’m going to say something with cheese. Would this endear me to a potential mate, or make him think I have a problem with saying no to dairy? Honestly, I don’t think I could fall in love with someone who didn’t appreciate cheese.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

Um. I don’t. Have? An iPod. Sorry. I KNOW. I know this makes me look like a crazy-person Luddite. I’m sorry. I have a weirdo off-name-brand MP3 player that won’t let me take off the songs I loaded four years ago and also eats batteries at a weird rate, and all my music is on my phone so I kind of listen to it there? Also I have a CD player from ten years ago that still works so I use that. And I listen to the radio. STOP BEING JUDGEY.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

I’ll be in my bunk.

I’m pretty sure if I said that on a date, the date would do one of three things: get it, and we’d live happily ever after; get it, and think I was hitting on him and the date would turn pervy, which may or may not be a good thing depending on how the date is going; not get it and be super-confused (in which case we’re probably not meant to be anyway.)

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

I’m confused about the wording of this question. Are you asking two questions – what I like to do indoors, and, also, what I like to do outdoors? Or is it an activity I can do in both places? I’m going to say text. You can do that anywhere. Including while peeing. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER DO THAT OF COURSE HOW TOTALLY UNSANITARY.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Cleaning the cat litter. Who likes that? It’s poo. Nothing’s fun about poo. These questions aren’t really making the date all about sexy-time.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it reveals that I don’t care for any forms of exercise at all.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

I don’t know, “least” favorite? That’s an odd thing to ask someone. Burro? They seem like they’d be uncomfortable.

What is your favorite body part?

Nope. Perv territory. Not happening. Wait til I get to know you better, imaginary internet date.

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for?

I wouldn’t. I hate parties. And also people. WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME INTERNET DATE.

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?

Wow, I can NOT paint. Or draw. I am AWFUL. I mean, I could TRY, but it would just be a total blobby mess. Probably Italy, because Italy was gorgeous, but I wouldn’t try. It would be an insult to Italy. They might hire mafia hitmen to come and kneecap me.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I don’t like this question because every age has pros and cons. I would like to be an age where I don’t have to work, but also don’t have to deal with puberty or high school, but also can drive, vote, and make my own decisions. So I guess 79. Also at that age I plan on having a cane and whacking people with it. Old people can get away with that shit. I’m eagerly anticipating that.

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?

I’m guessing I would spend less time dicking around on the internet. Also, probably I’d eat more bread. Once the world ends, no one’s going to say “I ate too much bread.” Mostly, they’re going to mourn the fact that they didn’t eat ENOUGH bread. So, yeah, lots and lots of bread, I think.

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?

If someone asked me this question I think I might go to the bathroom and then climb out the window because it’s annoying. I don’t want a mentor. I’ve never had a mentor and it doesn’t sound like something I’d want. What if you disappointed your mentor? You’d be feeling guilty about that for ages. I want a mentor I can’t disappoint. Leif Garrett. I want Leif Garrett as a mentor.

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

I have about a kajillion things I’d like to learn to do. I guess probably walk without falling is the most pressing, though. Or eat without dropping food on my blouse. That’s probably not the answer you’re going to want to use on your hypothetical date. Choose something sexier, like riding horses or competitive breakdancing.

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?

I can’t imagine anything different than I normally do. What WOULD one do if one were immortal for a day? Jump off a building? That seems irresponsible. Go save people from a fire, I suppose, something along those lines, I don’t know. You only have one day, how would you even know where the fires were happening? Are you asking me if I’d SET the fire? I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER. Stop with your trick questions.

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

I would LOVE to change my first name because there are 8 million people with my same name and also it’s TOO DAMN PERKY and I am NOT a perky person. I want to be something serious. Like Gertrude. You do NOT think Gertrude is going to be all giggles and sunshine. Gertrude is serious and Germanic and you do NOT screw with Gertrude. I approve.

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?

I don’t think you’re 100% on how reincarnation works. Animal, sure, but I don’t think you can get reincarnated as an inanimate object or abstract idea. But I’ll play along, internet date. Animal – some sort of jungle cat. Or possibly the honey badger, because, as you should be well-aware, the honey badger does NOT give a shit. Drink? Again, I must protest because this is not how reincarnation works. Lemonade? I don’t know. That’s foolish. Ice cream flavor? Sigh. Something almondy. You totally lost points with this question. I think you should know that. Like, to the point you’re probably not going to get laid tonight.

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?

I think it’s funny you don’t allow me to know the answer to THAT question. What are you HIDING, internet date? I guess my #1 question right now is what makes you think we get reincarnated as ice cream flavors? Did you read that in a book? I can’t imagine you did.

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?

Do people actually get “mistaken” for celebrities? I don’t. At one point, many years ago, someone told me I reminded them of Janeane Garofalo, but she kind of looks weird now and is super-thin and has lots of tattoos so I think that’s not really the case anymore.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Um. I – um. Are you on an imaginary date with someone a lot younger than me?

Fine. A ninja.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?

OMGWTFBBQ.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

I can’t control my mouth, especially when people are being complete and total dumbasses. Case in point: if  you die tomorrow, do you think you might be reincarnated as a gummi bear? If so, what flavor, and who would you want to eat you?

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?

I don’t want to answer all of those so I’ll just answer one. Worst received – lacy underwear by a creepy neighbor when I was WAY too young for sexy panties.

At what age did you become an adult?

You ask a lot of questions about my age/maturity level, and I’m kind of wondering if our date was set up in a To Catch a Predator chatroom. I don’t know. I moved out and on my own at 17. I still feel immature sometimes; sometimes I feel a million years old. You’re creeping me out a little.

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.

You know what made this question awesome? The “elaborate” part. It’s like an essay question on the SAT! I did NOT bring my #2 pencil. In this digital age where everyone has something to say about everything: yes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Are they words that are worth SAYING, is really the question. And the answer to that, is no, not usually.

Where’s Waldo?

Um. With your mom?

The best part of waking up is?

Folgers in your cup? You wanted me to say something sexy here, didn’t you. I’m sorry. I don’t think this date is heading in that direction at all.

How now brown cow?

The hell?

Whasssssuuuupppppp?

Check, please.

Potato, Po-tah-to, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECT DATE TO ME.

I have a couple minutes where I’m not getting pulled in a million different directions, so I just have to (HAVE to, you guys! HAVE to! Like, I would probably DIE if I didn’t!) address this OK Cupid/Gizmodo/Magic: The Gathering thing that’s going on.

I know 99% of the people reading this already know, to the point of oversaturation, about this. Because the people who relate to this story are MY people. Which, obviously, is why I have to say something about it.

First, here. If you’re one of my readers who hasn’t read the article, please do – this isn’t going to make a lot of sense without some background.

Article on Australian Gizmodo

US article, which actually uses his name

If you’re just being obstinate, or whatever, here’s the article in a nutshell. (But why you didn’t just listen to me and read the article I have no idea. It’s too good not to, you goofball. Of course by good I mean awful.)

Alyssa Bereznak, a drunk girl (she said this, not me, CALM DOWN) who writes for the tech blog Gizmodo, signs up for OK Cupid, which is a free dating site. She is HORRIFED OMGWTFBBQ by the people who contact her. They are GROSS, y’all. And they CANNOT SPELL. Then a sort-of-normal guy contacts her! So they go out! And he looks normal! So she forgets to Google him. And then he tells her HE IS THE WORLD CHAMPION OF MAGIC: THE GATHERING. (Also he takes her to a play about Jeffrey Dahmer. More on this later.) She is SO UPSET BY THIS HIDDEN NERDERY that she GOES OUT WITH HIM AGAIN to find out MORE. Then she of course does NOT go out with him again (gross ew ew ew gross NERD GERMS), but writes an article on her tech blog calling him out for MISLEADING HER and WASTING HER TIME and NOT DISCLOSING HIS NERDERY UP FRONT. She also uses his real name.

Outcome: the geek and nerd community is UP IN ARMS.

I read the article last night from the back row of my theater, trying not to fall asleep during a very long tech night. I was just kind of confused about the whole thing, honestly. I probably should be more upset? I know she’s really a total douchebag? But really I’m just kind of confused about the entire situation.

A lot of people have addressed this (and much better than I’m about to) today, so if you’re smart, you’ll probably read one or more of these and not continue on here. I’m really, really tired. And this isn’t going to be all that well-thought-out. Because I am LESS ANGRY than I am CONFUSED.

Writers who did this first and some would say much better (I would be one of those “some”:)

Gizmodo’s rebuttal 

Kiala’s rebuttal on Nerdpuddle

Scott at Broken Toys

The Feminine Miss Geek

In Between the Big Stuff

CBS News

THINGS I AM CONFUSED ABOUT

Did she think the commercials about online dating were true and it was easy?  If you were serious about online dating, would you really use OK Cupid? They advertise that on my radio at 2am. That’s not a ringing endorsement as they also advertise Horny Goat Weed then.

Listen, I’m not just talking out of my ass, here. I DATED ONLINE. I did not have luck in doing so. I know people who have – two of my favorite people of all time, actually, met the people they are a. married to, and b. living with, via online dating. So yes! It works. Sometimes. I met, in real life, three people via online dating. I spoke to countless others in email conversations. Some brief stories:

• One guy brought me to the comic book section of Borders and shushed me while he browsed. That was the whole date.
• One guy was an abusive scary monster with rage issues and I was seriously afraid I was going to be raped.
• One guy was so, so nice, and I’ve mentioned him before, and I was the asshole who wasn’t attracted to him. But I wasn’t MEAN about it. It wasn’t HIS fault. I’d fix him up with a friend in a minute. HE WAS SO NICE. I’M THE ASSHOLE.
• One guy seemed like a keeper until he dropped off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again and I’m not really sure what happened there.
• One guy got angry I wouldn’t sext him and buy and mail him books because he didn’t understand how a library card worked and kept sending me emails full of question marks and frowny-faces until I blocked him.

ONLINE DATING IS HARD. People seem really, really good in emails, over Twitter, on Facebook, etc. In person, you can’t think over what you’re going to say, and also you’re face to face, where interaction is scary. If you think online dating is going to be like the commercials, where the two pretty people meet and the guy’s all, “I only have one more question WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN” and the girl just roars with laughter because THEY ARE MEANT TO BE ZOMG – you are DELUSIONAL.

Also, no one can spell. ESPECIALLY not on a free dating site. You’re lucky if they use capital letters. The guy I wasn’t attracted to KNEW HOW TO USE A SEMI-COLON. Seriously, it was painful that I didn’t find the poor guy attractive.

Why did she think it was a good idea to write this article ON A TECH BLOG?  Didn't she realize that she was going to be vilified by the geek community at large?

I don’t understand people that write these kind of articles in places that a lot of people will see them. Either when they write them they think everyone’s going to agree with them and they’ll get a lot of positive publicity out of it, or they just don’t care. If it’s the latter, great. If it’s the former, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. If she had written this in Good Housekeeping or something, she might have gotten some sympathy, but lady! A tech blog? THOSE ARE READ BY GEEKS. Geeks get angry. REALLY REALLY FAST. And they are literate, so they write about it, Tweet about it, comment on your article calling you creative variations on female anatomy, etc. I don’t get it. Was this a trolly post just to get traffic to the site?


(ETA - YES. Yes, it was actually a trolly post just to get traffic. Gizmodo = Gawker = the authors get paid per click, so the author was actually "nerdbaiting" to get clicks. What a twatwaffle.)

Does she realize that this is going to get Jon Finkel a ton of positive publicity and offers of dates?

I started following Jon Finkel on Twitter today? And he’s really handling this whole thing like a pro. He’s being really classy about it. I approve. Also, he’s kind of cute. FINE HE'S TOTALLY CUTE SHUT UP. So you go, Jon Finkel. I think you’ll have no problems finding a date for a while. There are like a kabillion hot geek girls who would totally go out with you today. You probably couldn’t roll a multi-sided die without hitting one. (I’m sorry. I don’t think there are dice used in Magic: The Gathering. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MAGIC: THE GATHERING. Am I fired from writing this article? I TOLD YOU TO READ ONE OF THE OTHER ONES.)

Why does she seem to think it’s “lying” not to mention something you’re into in your dating profile?

How is that lying? If anything, it’s a sin of omission, but it’s not really even that, is it? Do you write EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE EVER in your dating profile? I quit online dating after frowny-face question-mark guy, because I just did NOT have the emotional fortitude to deal with it anymore, but if I remember correctly, those profiles weren’t very long. I don’t think there’s room to write in everything you have ever done, are currently doing, and plan on doing, for the rest of your life forever and ever Amen. Or am I completely off-base and they have an unlimited character count now? I’m being facetious, of course. Listen, we all have stuff. I like crocheting, cats, chocolate, pork products, television, geekery, and nail polish. I LOVE theater. I pretty much LIVE at my theater, when I’m not home. And yes, I would probably put that in my profile. But I don’t know that I would put exactly how many hours a week I spend there. I’d just kind of ease that on into a conversation. Because it makes me look like a kook, a little. And you have to gauge your audience, right? Lying? Really? First, he was worried it would make him look nerdy, and as nerds, we’re all a little shy/touchy about our nerdery. And second, he admitted himself on Twitter today that it was tough to come right out with his status as World Champion without looking like a tool. He was being HUMBLE, Alyssa Bereznak. Also he was worried he’d get the very reaction you gave, so way to deliver!

How exactly did Jon “infiltrate” his way into other dates? Was it ninja-style?

This woman uses very apocalyptical words. “Lying.” “Infiltrate.” I think less over-the-top words would work just fine. I assume what’s meant here is that two of her friends also had an issue with the Magic: The Gathering playing? “Infiltrating” doesn’t really work, though. If you use this word, I imagine him rappelling down the wall of restaurant in ninja pajamas and sneaking in while your friend’s real date is in the bathroom. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

Why is she so upset about the totally awesome idea of taking someone to a Jeffrey Dahmer play?

I love live theater. I am always up for serial killers. WHY IS THIS AN ISSUE. If someone told me, “We’re going to dinner and then I got us tickets to a one-man show about Jeffrey Dahmer” my response would be “You’ve TOTALLY BEEN PAYING ATTENTION and YOU GET ME. Let’s get married now.” OMG THIS IS IT AND IT IS A MUSICAL THAT MAKES IT IMMEDATELY MY FAVORITE THING SINCE CARRIE THE MUSICAL.  Jon Finkel, seriously? Add a margarita or two to that and you have MY PERFECT DATE. I would be riding my OK Cupid match like a MERRY-GO-ROUND-PONY if he brought me to a Jeffrey Dahmer musical. What the hell.

Why in the name of Bill Gates WOULDN’T you Google someone before going out with them for the first time? Were you angling to be murdered and eaten?

This is just stupid. You don’t FORGET to wear pants when you go out; you don’t FORGET to put toothpaste on the brush before you brush your teeth; and you don’t FORGET to Google the hell out of someone you’re meeting for the first time that you met online. That’s Safety 101. That’s just utter stupidity. MURDERED AND EATEN, Alyssa. IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN, Alyssa. Come ON.

Why the hellllll did you go out with him again? Just to get more information for this article?

This was my first question upon reading the article and is still a major one. This made her go from “kind of a bitca” in my mind to “gigantic douchecanoe.” You KNEW you didn’t like him. Because you are icked out by nerdy things like card games ew ew get ‘em off get ‘em off.  But you went out with him again – TO GET MORE INFORMATION FOR THIS ARTICLE. That’s just cold. Cold and heartless. Just for that one reason? You deserve all of this backlash. Seriously. If you know you don’t like someone, don’t string them along. That’s just a shit move. An unnecessary shit move.

This really did nothing for anyone other than show you the state of my mind this week, which is “hamster on a wheel.” I’m really, really tired.

Also, being nerdy about something is sexy, because it shows you have emotions, intelligence, and heart. There’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone; there IS something wrong with calling them names (and using their real name) in a public forum. So for that, Alyssa (and I’m only using YOUR real name because it’s on the article and you started it!) – you get the Megadouche of the Week award! Congrats. Now go get drunk and make a Plenty of Fish profile or something.

Also? Jon Finkel? Although I know NOTHING about Magic: The Gathering, I have NOTHING AGAINST IT. You can totally call me. Three words, Jon. JEFFREY DAHMER MUSICAL. I can’t even. So awesome.

Don't take dating advice from the star of "Howard the Duck."

"When Harry Met Sally cemented the plausibility of that notion (best friends falling in love) and it gave a lot of desperate people hope. It made it realistic to suspect that your best friend may be your soul mate, and it made wanting such a scenario comfortably conventional.  The problem is that the Harry-Met-Sally situation is almost always tragically unbalanced...Every relationship is fundamentally a power struggle, and the individual in power is whoever likes the other person less. But When Harry Met Sally gives the powerless, unrequited lover a reason to live...Nora Ephron ruined a lot of lives...Stories like Say Anything are fucking people up."  from Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman

I've been mulling this over for a while, but decided something needed to be said (ok, fine, written, argue semantics with me, why don't you) when Kevin Marshall (yes, he gets two links, he merits them, and if you're not reading him, you're missing out, so click up there, already - and no, I'm not just saying that because he reads my blog. I'm not bought that cheaply. Although no one has really offered, so I'm not 100% sure what the going rate would be. Get back to me with a price, we'll haggle, and let's see what happens) linked to one of my posts last week, saying it reminded him of something he'd posted on his blog (and in this way, if we keep linking to one another, we become like a ouroboros, without a beginning or end, and will possibly break the Internet.) In particular, my description of the sensitive poetry guy, who was not really sensitive, but really just out to get laid, reminded him of his post about Nice Guy Syndrome.

In reading Kevin's post (in case you're too lazy, or confused by technology, or just a complete loyalist to my blog, in which case, aw!, to click on the link above, the main point of the post is that some self-proclaimed "nice guys" are not, really, and get very up-in-arms and huffy when women don't fall for them; it's obviously the woman's fault - they only want "bad boys", not "nice ones," and not theirs; and the men seem to have a sense of entitlement about the whole thing. I apologize for boiling this down to one or two salient points. It would be a lot more effective if you just read the article, research-phobes), and then reading a multitude of other posts that this led me to over the past few days, I realized two things: I can't stay on task, because I start reading about one thing, and I go in a completely different direction, and is it possible to contract ADD this late in life? And, also, along those lines, who is to blame for this whole nice-guy scenario.

Hollywood. In particular: 80s movies.

Movies make things seem like they could happen, right? I mean, who hasn't watched a movie and come home fired up about something? I mean, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and wanted that goddamn procedure done immediately. You watch something like Poltergeist and you look at your clown doll a little more suspiciously. (Along those lines, if you have a clown doll at all, I'm looking at you a little suspiciously. Why would you even have one? Do you want your face chewed off as you sleep?) Movies make you think the impossible could happen. And when Hollywood started pumping out movies about lovable losers getting the girl, or best friends falling in love, this gave sad, lonely people, who had always thought, "My best friend - if only he/she looked at me, really looked at me! - he/she would realize we were meant to be!", the validation they'd been looking for.

For the Ladies:  Falling in Love with Your Best Friend

What could be better than this? You don't have to go through the awkward "getting to know you" nonsense. This person already knows you. This person knows you're a neurotic mess who threw up in your desk in the second grade. They like you anyway! There are no secrets that will come out of the closet and strangle your relationship! It is already comfortable; now it can be comfortable, but with sex! This is perfect!

This seems to be a woman's thing, more than a man's, as shown by the examples below, and also in my own experience. I'm not lumping all women into one neat little category, and I'm sure there are men who have crushed on their best friends as well - it just seems more of a female thing to me. And that having been said, I hate when people say "it's a female thing," because it usually means they're referring to PMS or bad navigational skills or inability to make decisions and stick to them. When someone says this, the only decision I want to make and stick to is whether to punch them in the neck or face.

Case Study #1a: Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

Starring: Eric Stoltz (I always had a crush on Eric Stoltz, so I watched this way too many times as a teenager; I do love ginger boys); Lea Thompson (Marty's mom!); Mary Stuart Masterson; Craig Sheffer; and Elias Koteas (and obviously some other people who don't matter to me that much)

Plot: a boy from the wrong side of the tracks (no, literally, he has to cross railroad tracks to get home, this movie isn't really subtle about symbolism) falls for a girl who, although popular, is also poor. With the help of his scrappy best friend and a motorcycle gang, he takes the popular girl on a date. (Um, ok, in looking this over - and yes, this is pretty much the plot - is it just me, or did not as much happen in 80s movies than happens in movies today? This seems like something that no one would watch today. Not enough transforming robots or sparkly whiny-ass vampires.)

In this movie, Eric Stoltz, who is broody and artistic (but also very polite - it's sweet NO SHUT UP IT IS I LOVE HIM) is best friends with Mary Stuart Masterson. Who seems to possibly be a lesbian for about half of the film, until you realize she's just a major badass who will not conform and is secretly in love with Eric. The movie gets kind of heartbreaking, because he calls on Mary to help him plan, set up, and execute his date with Lea Thompson, and then chauffeur them around all night, watching from the sidelines.

But don't worry! Because it is the 80s! And all that pining, and the one kiss Eric and Mary shared (she tricked him by saying, "Oh, you probably won't know how to kiss on your date! Here, let me show you!" Then they kissed, and it was actually pretty hot. I TOLD YOU I CANNOT RESIST A GINGER), and her longing looks - they pay off! Because just when Mary thinks Eric is going to walk off into the sunset with Lea, and Mary walks home, crying, all alone in the dark in her sad little chauffeur's outfit, Eric pulls up beside Mary and tells her he's loved her all along!

OK, yes, I cry every time I watch it. THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

The point is, this would not happen in real life. In real life, everyone would have gone off to college and forgotten about each other, probably. Eric Stoltz's character, other than in the one scene where Mary kisses him, doesn't show anything but congenial friendship for her character. But suddenly, he has an epiphany! He realizes, hey! My best friend, that is where it's at! She gets me! I don't have to work hard to have her! I already have her!

No. No, no no. This movie ruined countless 80s women. We all started waiting for our awesome best friends to realize we were the ones. When it didn't happen, well, this wasn't quite fair. I mean, the movies made it seem so plausible! So likely! If it worked for Eric and Mary, why not me?

Case Study 1b: When Harry Met Sally (1989)

Starring: (Really? Do I have to tell you? Is there anyone in the world who hasn't seen this a million times?) Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan (pre-duck lips, pre-weird-leaving her husband, possibly for Russell Crowe, back when she was still America's sweetheart), Princess Leia, and Bruno Kirby. (And the old woman who wanted what she was having.)

Alright, before you kick me out of my country for being un-American, I love this movie. I'm saying that up front. Love it. Love it to pieces. It ruined me, and a lot of people like me, but I love it. I own it. I still watch it, and on a regular basis.

I'm not going to recap the plot here. You've seen it. If you haven't seen it, go watch it, because for all of the bitching I'm doing, it's a fine movie.

But Harry and Sally shouldn't have ended up together.

Listen, I'm happy they do. Yes, I cry over it. But if this was real life? Harry and Sally would not have ended up together. Or they might have, but it wouldn't have ended well. They knew each other too well. There was no spark there. There was a good, solid friendship. I feel like they were settling because were afraid of being alone, and because Princess Leia and Bruno Kirby were so sure they should get together, and not because they were in love. (And seriously, that's Princess Leia. You kind of are duty-bound to do what a royal tells you, right? Code of the galaxy or something?)

This movie, even more so than the last, was damaging, because it gave long-term hope. Harry and Sally were friends for over a decade. "If I just hang in there, just a little longer," people thought, "then it'll happen. It happened for Harry and Sally! It can happen for me!" No. It can't. It really, really can't.

I am majorly guilty of this one, folks. I'm a graduate of falling-for-your-best-friend rehab. It's a work in process. Every once and a while, I relapse, and need to work the steps again. Do I blame 80s movies? To the same extent that I blame my own screwed-up psyche, sure. They made it look so goddamn easy. It isn't. It doesn't happen. And I've lost good friends over it. To them, I apologize. I went kind of crazy psycho-stalker there, for a while. I know. Go find Eric Stoltz and yell at him about it, if it helps at all.

For the Gentlemen: Falling in Love with the Lovable Loser

He's a little weird, but he's a good guy. You know the kind: he hasn't really got it all together, but with a little polish, he could be a star. Plus he's got a heart of gold. So who better for the prom queen to fall in love with than a dork?

Again, this seems like a male thing (again with that, and I hate it) as shown in the examples below. I'm sure, again, there are lovable loser ladies who are crushing on the quarterback, or something. I don't know any, but I'm sure they exist.

Case Study 2a: Can't Buy Me Love (1987)

Starring: Patrick Dempsey (before he was McDreamy - way before, no, seriously, you will barely recognize him); a very young Seth Green; and a lot of people who aren't really acting anymore.

Plot: Patrick Dempsey is a loser who offers the most popular girl in school $1,000 to pretend to be his girlfriend so he can become popular. It works. (Again, this is the entire plot. There wasn't a lot asked of 80s screenwriters. I think they spent a lot of time attempting to solve the Rubik's Cube.)

Patrick Dempsey would not get the girl in this movie. He'd get a girl. He's not disgusting. He just wouldn't get this particular girl. She's the most popular girl in school. I'm sorry, but I grew up in the 80s. The most popular girl in school didn't take the time to get to know the loser, let alone throw her friends aside to date him. But Patrick Dempsey does get her (listen, this is the man that would be McDreamy, don't count him out!) So around the world, goofy guys started their campaigns of "hey, if the woman I have a crush on just knew me a little better, she'd love me, too!"

No.

Listen, I'm being very, very serious here. If you confess your feelings to a woman, and they say they aren't interested, it is time to back the hell off. If you don't feel that you can get over them, you need to distance yourself from them until you feel you can control yourself. Don't keep pursuing it, thinking they will change their minds. This is also known as "being a stalker." If, by some stretch of the imagination, she changes her mind, she will come to you. It's not going to happen, but if you think it might, and this thought keeps you sane, stay far away from her and wait for it to happen.

Case Study 2a: Say Anything (1989)

Starring: John Cusack (in the most iconic role of his career), Ione Skye (who never really amounted to much, acting-wise), Frasier's dad; Lili Taylor (seriously, if you haven't seen this, it's worth it for her song "Joe lies when he cries" - trust me on this); Jeremy Piven; Eric Stoltz (I know! Again! GINGER!); Joan Cusack; and a lot of other people

Plot: Cusack, who is a bit of a slacker, falls in love with Skye, a huge overachiever. Skye loves him back for a while, then family issues cause her to pull away. He then holds a boom box up to her bedroom window (playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes," the song most women of my age are most likely to want as their first-dance song at their weddings,) and women across the world vowed they would love John Cusack forever. (Also, duh, he gets the girl. He's Lloyd Dobler.)

It pains me to include this movie here. It really does. Because I am one of the people who love this movie beyond belief (well, except for the boring shit with Frasier's dad and Skye - I don't care about her family issues, back to Cusack!) But it deserves to be here for a few reasons:

1. Cusack is a lovable loser who gets the queen bee. She's not the most popular girl in school in this one, she's the most intelligent (and quite beautiful, of course), but he wins her over with his irreverent charm and singleminded dedication to loving her.

2. Once they break up, Cusack becomes a bit of a stalker. Now, she breaks up with him for a false reason - she says something along the lines of "I need more time to study and you're too much of a distraction" but really it's because of her issues with her father going to jail for embezzlement (I am a little murky on this because although I've rewatched this a million times, I zone out during these scenes, which could honestly use a little more of Frasier's dog to punch them up) but Cusack does not take this lying down. No, not our boy. There's the boom box in the window thing. There's a letter he writes her. He kind of stalks her, a little, because that's what true love does, right? True love, it doesn't give up?

Well, here's the thing. It's Cusack, so I'd like to give that a pass. I mean, if Cusack was under my window in that trenchcoat with that look in his eyes, I'm fairly sure he wouldn't be waiting out there in the dark for long. But the girl told him no. And he still kept coming back. That's not acceptable. Yes, yes, it all turns out for the best. But that's not the point. She says goodbye; he says (with his actions), "But I know you didn't mean that." Again, there's a name for that, and it's stalking and harassment; there's an end result for that, and that end result is a restraining order (if you're lucky) and sometimes things more serious (if you're not.)

These movies led to others with similar themes, of course - Reality Bites (they were both kind of crushing on each other there, I think), Zach and Miri Make a Porno (sex on camera leads best friends to fall in love - I'm not going to touch this, Kevin Smith is like unto a God to me, most of the time, sorry to disappoint you), 13 Going on 30 (going forward in time makes the girl realize she loved her best friend all along; probably the only time unrequited love will come to fruition), You've Got Mail (although Tom Hanks kind of only became friends with Meg Ryan in order to make her fall in love with him), along with many others that I'm sure are out there that I'm not thinking of or I haven't seen. There are a few - Pretty in Pink stands out - where the stereotype didn't hold true (although, listen, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm convinced that Duckie was gay. Molly Ringwald even said as much in an interview. He was also quite a stalker. How many times did Andie tell him no? And he did not take it well. At all.)

Klosterman's quote, which I came across years ago when reading his book (I highly recommend it, by the way - funny and intelligent - and if you're more a fiction person, his novel Downtown Owl is brilliant and heart-wrenching) said for me, more succinctly than I could ever hope to, things I'd been wanting to for years. I wrote it down and hoarded it away, like a squirrel with a nut for the winter. Well, now is the winter of my discontent, 80s movies.

Let's talk about power for a minute, ok? Not the kind that comes out of sockets, either. The theory of power in a relationship is a solid one. Sara at Tomato Nation has been talking about it in her Vine column for years. Once you get a crush on someone, your friendship with them is over, or at least the friendship that was. It's morphed into something else. In this new incarnation, the crushee has the power. You've given them that power over you by developing non-friendship feelings for them. They hold the cards; they can do to you what they will, reciprocate, not reciprocate, it's in their hands. An imbalance of power leads to crazy behavior, sometimes. The crushee amps up their wooing, perhaps, or, realizing the object of their affection isn't returning the feelings (and how dare they!) they get very hurt, very quickly, leading to sometimes dangerous retaliatory behavior.

Here's the thing. Your best friend is not going to fall in love with you. "But-" No. I know, I know, it happened to a friend of a friend's cousin. So did a lot of urban legends. Your romantic life should not hinge on something that's hearsay, like the woman who dried her poodle in the microwave or the handicapped kid who trapped a little person in a closet because he thought he was a troll. (No! Seriously! Those happened to my sister's best friend's second cousin's husband - just stop it. They didn't. Snopes is your friend; please use it wisely.) Most relationships are between people who didn't become friends first. Friendly, sure. Not enemies first. That's stupid, too. Once you get into a relationship, you can become best friends (but if you become one of those "we" couples, like, when the other one isn't even around, "We think," "We like," - I'm unfriending you on Facebook. Get some friends and interests of your own. You don't become Siamese twins once you couple up.) But if you sit around waiting for your best friend to suddenly look up and see you in a different light - that's not going to happen. Because they're your best friend. They already know you, in any light. If it were going to happen, it would have already. Meet new people. Be friendly with them. And if one of them is the one? Great. But if they aren't interested? Again, note above where I say back the hell off. (Fine, I didn't say it as plainly above. I'm saying it now.)

Just honor and value yourself a little more than that, alright? Someone rejecting you or someone not like-liking you - they are not worth expending your romantic time and energy on. I'm speaking from experience, here.

And for the love of all that's holy, watch something like Chasing Amy once and a while. Fairytale endings are all well and good, in limited doses, like cookies, but realism has its place, as well. And just as too many cookies bring on Type 2 Diabetes, a steady diet of unrealistic expectations via 80s movies brings on depression, mood swings, shattered dreams, and a lot of time spent alone, wondering, "Why doesn't anyone ever want to date the nice guys/girls of the world?" Nice does not equal intelligent, and intelligent is so much sexier than nice. Trust me on this one.