Potato, Po-tah-to, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECT DATE TO ME.

I have a couple minutes where I’m not getting pulled in a million different directions, so I just have to (HAVE to, you guys! HAVE to! Like, I would probably DIE if I didn’t!) address this OK Cupid/Gizmodo/Magic: The Gathering thing that’s going on.

I know 99% of the people reading this already know, to the point of oversaturation, about this. Because the people who relate to this story are MY people. Which, obviously, is why I have to say something about it.

First, here. If you’re one of my readers who hasn’t read the article, please do – this isn’t going to make a lot of sense without some background.

Article on Australian Gizmodo

US article, which actually uses his name

If you’re just being obstinate, or whatever, here’s the article in a nutshell. (But why you didn’t just listen to me and read the article I have no idea. It’s too good not to, you goofball. Of course by good I mean awful.)

Alyssa Bereznak, a drunk girl (she said this, not me, CALM DOWN) who writes for the tech blog Gizmodo, signs up for OK Cupid, which is a free dating site. She is HORRIFED OMGWTFBBQ by the people who contact her. They are GROSS, y’all. And they CANNOT SPELL. Then a sort-of-normal guy contacts her! So they go out! And he looks normal! So she forgets to Google him. And then he tells her HE IS THE WORLD CHAMPION OF MAGIC: THE GATHERING. (Also he takes her to a play about Jeffrey Dahmer. More on this later.) She is SO UPSET BY THIS HIDDEN NERDERY that she GOES OUT WITH HIM AGAIN to find out MORE. Then she of course does NOT go out with him again (gross ew ew ew gross NERD GERMS), but writes an article on her tech blog calling him out for MISLEADING HER and WASTING HER TIME and NOT DISCLOSING HIS NERDERY UP FRONT. She also uses his real name.

Outcome: the geek and nerd community is UP IN ARMS.

I read the article last night from the back row of my theater, trying not to fall asleep during a very long tech night. I was just kind of confused about the whole thing, honestly. I probably should be more upset? I know she’s really a total douchebag? But really I’m just kind of confused about the entire situation.

A lot of people have addressed this (and much better than I’m about to) today, so if you’re smart, you’ll probably read one or more of these and not continue on here. I’m really, really tired. And this isn’t going to be all that well-thought-out. Because I am LESS ANGRY than I am CONFUSED.

Writers who did this first and some would say much better (I would be one of those “some”:)

Gizmodo’s rebuttal 

Kiala’s rebuttal on Nerdpuddle

Scott at Broken Toys

The Feminine Miss Geek

In Between the Big Stuff

CBS News

THINGS I AM CONFUSED ABOUT

Did she think the commercials about online dating were true and it was easy?  If you were serious about online dating, would you really use OK Cupid? They advertise that on my radio at 2am. That’s not a ringing endorsement as they also advertise Horny Goat Weed then.

Listen, I’m not just talking out of my ass, here. I DATED ONLINE. I did not have luck in doing so. I know people who have – two of my favorite people of all time, actually, met the people they are a. married to, and b. living with, via online dating. So yes! It works. Sometimes. I met, in real life, three people via online dating. I spoke to countless others in email conversations. Some brief stories:

• One guy brought me to the comic book section of Borders and shushed me while he browsed. That was the whole date.
• One guy was an abusive scary monster with rage issues and I was seriously afraid I was going to be raped.
• One guy was so, so nice, and I’ve mentioned him before, and I was the asshole who wasn’t attracted to him. But I wasn’t MEAN about it. It wasn’t HIS fault. I’d fix him up with a friend in a minute. HE WAS SO NICE. I’M THE ASSHOLE.
• One guy seemed like a keeper until he dropped off the face of the earth and I never heard from him again and I’m not really sure what happened there.
• One guy got angry I wouldn’t sext him and buy and mail him books because he didn’t understand how a library card worked and kept sending me emails full of question marks and frowny-faces until I blocked him.

ONLINE DATING IS HARD. People seem really, really good in emails, over Twitter, on Facebook, etc. In person, you can’t think over what you’re going to say, and also you’re face to face, where interaction is scary. If you think online dating is going to be like the commercials, where the two pretty people meet and the guy’s all, “I only have one more question WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN” and the girl just roars with laughter because THEY ARE MEANT TO BE ZOMG – you are DELUSIONAL.

Also, no one can spell. ESPECIALLY not on a free dating site. You’re lucky if they use capital letters. The guy I wasn’t attracted to KNEW HOW TO USE A SEMI-COLON. Seriously, it was painful that I didn’t find the poor guy attractive.

Why did she think it was a good idea to write this article ON A TECH BLOG?  Didn't she realize that she was going to be vilified by the geek community at large?

I don’t understand people that write these kind of articles in places that a lot of people will see them. Either when they write them they think everyone’s going to agree with them and they’ll get a lot of positive publicity out of it, or they just don’t care. If it’s the latter, great. If it’s the former, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. If she had written this in Good Housekeeping or something, she might have gotten some sympathy, but lady! A tech blog? THOSE ARE READ BY GEEKS. Geeks get angry. REALLY REALLY FAST. And they are literate, so they write about it, Tweet about it, comment on your article calling you creative variations on female anatomy, etc. I don’t get it. Was this a trolly post just to get traffic to the site?


(ETA - YES. Yes, it was actually a trolly post just to get traffic. Gizmodo = Gawker = the authors get paid per click, so the author was actually "nerdbaiting" to get clicks. What a twatwaffle.)

Does she realize that this is going to get Jon Finkel a ton of positive publicity and offers of dates?

I started following Jon Finkel on Twitter today? And he’s really handling this whole thing like a pro. He’s being really classy about it. I approve. Also, he’s kind of cute. FINE HE'S TOTALLY CUTE SHUT UP. So you go, Jon Finkel. I think you’ll have no problems finding a date for a while. There are like a kabillion hot geek girls who would totally go out with you today. You probably couldn’t roll a multi-sided die without hitting one. (I’m sorry. I don’t think there are dice used in Magic: The Gathering. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MAGIC: THE GATHERING. Am I fired from writing this article? I TOLD YOU TO READ ONE OF THE OTHER ONES.)

Why does she seem to think it’s “lying” not to mention something you’re into in your dating profile?

How is that lying? If anything, it’s a sin of omission, but it’s not really even that, is it? Do you write EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE EVER in your dating profile? I quit online dating after frowny-face question-mark guy, because I just did NOT have the emotional fortitude to deal with it anymore, but if I remember correctly, those profiles weren’t very long. I don’t think there’s room to write in everything you have ever done, are currently doing, and plan on doing, for the rest of your life forever and ever Amen. Or am I completely off-base and they have an unlimited character count now? I’m being facetious, of course. Listen, we all have stuff. I like crocheting, cats, chocolate, pork products, television, geekery, and nail polish. I LOVE theater. I pretty much LIVE at my theater, when I’m not home. And yes, I would probably put that in my profile. But I don’t know that I would put exactly how many hours a week I spend there. I’d just kind of ease that on into a conversation. Because it makes me look like a kook, a little. And you have to gauge your audience, right? Lying? Really? First, he was worried it would make him look nerdy, and as nerds, we’re all a little shy/touchy about our nerdery. And second, he admitted himself on Twitter today that it was tough to come right out with his status as World Champion without looking like a tool. He was being HUMBLE, Alyssa Bereznak. Also he was worried he’d get the very reaction you gave, so way to deliver!

How exactly did Jon “infiltrate” his way into other dates? Was it ninja-style?

This woman uses very apocalyptical words. “Lying.” “Infiltrate.” I think less over-the-top words would work just fine. I assume what’s meant here is that two of her friends also had an issue with the Magic: The Gathering playing? “Infiltrating” doesn’t really work, though. If you use this word, I imagine him rappelling down the wall of restaurant in ninja pajamas and sneaking in while your friend’s real date is in the bathroom. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

Why is she so upset about the totally awesome idea of taking someone to a Jeffrey Dahmer play?

I love live theater. I am always up for serial killers. WHY IS THIS AN ISSUE. If someone told me, “We’re going to dinner and then I got us tickets to a one-man show about Jeffrey Dahmer” my response would be “You’ve TOTALLY BEEN PAYING ATTENTION and YOU GET ME. Let’s get married now.” OMG THIS IS IT AND IT IS A MUSICAL THAT MAKES IT IMMEDATELY MY FAVORITE THING SINCE CARRIE THE MUSICAL.  Jon Finkel, seriously? Add a margarita or two to that and you have MY PERFECT DATE. I would be riding my OK Cupid match like a MERRY-GO-ROUND-PONY if he brought me to a Jeffrey Dahmer musical. What the hell.

Why in the name of Bill Gates WOULDN’T you Google someone before going out with them for the first time? Were you angling to be murdered and eaten?

This is just stupid. You don’t FORGET to wear pants when you go out; you don’t FORGET to put toothpaste on the brush before you brush your teeth; and you don’t FORGET to Google the hell out of someone you’re meeting for the first time that you met online. That’s Safety 101. That’s just utter stupidity. MURDERED AND EATEN, Alyssa. IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN, Alyssa. Come ON.

Why the hellllll did you go out with him again? Just to get more information for this article?

This was my first question upon reading the article and is still a major one. This made her go from “kind of a bitca” in my mind to “gigantic douchecanoe.” You KNEW you didn’t like him. Because you are icked out by nerdy things like card games ew ew get ‘em off get ‘em off.  But you went out with him again – TO GET MORE INFORMATION FOR THIS ARTICLE. That’s just cold. Cold and heartless. Just for that one reason? You deserve all of this backlash. Seriously. If you know you don’t like someone, don’t string them along. That’s just a shit move. An unnecessary shit move.

This really did nothing for anyone other than show you the state of my mind this week, which is “hamster on a wheel.” I’m really, really tired.

Also, being nerdy about something is sexy, because it shows you have emotions, intelligence, and heart. There’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone; there IS something wrong with calling them names (and using their real name) in a public forum. So for that, Alyssa (and I’m only using YOUR real name because it’s on the article and you started it!) – you get the Megadouche of the Week award! Congrats. Now go get drunk and make a Plenty of Fish profile or something.

Also? Jon Finkel? Although I know NOTHING about Magic: The Gathering, I have NOTHING AGAINST IT. You can totally call me. Three words, Jon. JEFFREY DAHMER MUSICAL. I can’t even. So awesome.

Every Time You Speak to Me You Tell Me What to Do

About a week and a half ago, The Huffington Post featured a post in its culture section by Peg Aloi entitled "Tough Gals: Do They Still Exist?" This article was pointed out to me last night by one of my friends. Where was I on August 11th? How did this particular article escape me for 9 days? I know I worked that day, and I'm guessing I had rehearsal that night, because that's pretty much been my life for the past month or so. I do remember seeing mentions on Twitter over the past week, women saying that they were cupcake-baking, knitting, kick-ass women, but I didn't know it related to anything in particular. I just thought they were giving their own personal credo, or something. And they are kick-ass women, so I approved of that message.

Although I'd like to not give Ms. Aloi any additional traffic, I do encourage you to click above and read the article. If you'd rather not, for one reason or another, here's a brief summary:

Women who blog about cupcakes, Hello Kitty, gardening, knitting, and cats are girly. Not that there's anything wrong with the blogs...but there's something wrong with being girly. Because we're women! And we shouldn't be girly! We should be badass! Feminists who came before us fought hard for that right, and we're throwing it away with these girly pursuits! We've "lost sight of what it means to be a badass, tough, strong woman"! Women aren't having fun - instead, we like cooking, Jane Austen, and heirloom tomatoes! We've "become complacent"! "We're not tough anymore; we're soft"!

Oh, for the love of Sanrio.

Listen. LISTEN. We've talked about this, here, on my blog, in the past. Women telling us what to do and what to feel and who to be because the author knows the right way to do these things, under the guide of feminism. Because the author is the arbiter of womanhood. Because there's a mold, and women should fit that mold, and if they don't, they're lesser - lesser human beings, lesser women, lesser examples of shining femaleness than the author herself.

I AM SO GODDAMN TIRED OF BEING TOLD WHO TO BE.

Men, sorry to leave you out, here, and I'm sure you face societal pressure up the wazoo as well, but as I am not in possession of a Y chromosome, I don't know what those are, exactly. This is not meant to slight you. I'd be interested, actually, in reading a post about the type of societal pressures a young man faces; if someone wants to point me in the direction of a good one, it would be appreciated.

Women, from a young age, are told how to act in order to fit society's norms. There are exceptions, but overall, even in this day and age, there are toddlers in frilly dresses and bows scotch-taped onto the bald heads of baby girls for photo day and the moniker "tomboy" (usually said either with a sneer or a knowing nod.) As we get older, more expectations. Makeup. What to wear. How to act. At what age to start dating. What's appropriate and what's weird. The list goes on; I'm sure the women reading this can think of a million examples in their own life where they wanted to be doing one thing but were gently (or not-so-gently) nudged in another direction because it wasn't "cool" enough or "girly" enough or whatever enough to fit in the very strict lines that were drawn by whoever draws these things.

But as we grow up, we realize things, like being who we are is more fulfilling than making other people like us, and that there's nothing at all wrong with, say, watching Vh1 Celebreality all day rather than shopping or getting a mani-pedi or whatever it is the "cool" kids are doing. We're not here to please anyone but ourselves, when we get older. And that's a nice feeling, you know? It's a feeling I'd like to be able to go back and bestow upon the teenage me, who was always scrambling to keep up with what was expected of her and failing miserably and very unhappy in the bargain.

But then you get women like Julie Klausner telling us that we're too infantilized if we like Converse sneakers, cupcakes, Etsy jewelry, or birds, and Peg Aloi telling us that we're not tough if we like knitting, gardening, Hello Kitty, or, again, cupcakes. (Why so much cupcake hate? Do these women equally hate sheet cakes? Who hates cake? I feel like hating cake = hating America, honestly.)

These women are just grown-up versions of the bitches in high school who set the trends. The Plastics, really. The Wednesdays-We-Wear-Pink girls. The girls who arbitrarily decide "on this side of the line is what's cool, and on this side of the line is what's not, and I'll tell you how high you have to jump and how hard you have to beg to be on the right side of the line." And do you know how to tell they're bitches? Because they're telling you you're not good enough. They're making you feel less-than. They're telling you, "Listen, if you like this, this, and this? You don't measure up."

I don't want to be in your Special People Club.

It doesn't make you less tough if you knit, bake, or garden. The article actually contradicts itself all over the place - Aloi will make a blanket statement like "Tough girls don't knit because that's what our foremothers did!" and then couch it with "But man our foremothers, right? Whoo! They were certainly tough, you know, in their own way!" Why are the two mutually exclusive? Why can't you be a badass tough-as-nails mofo AND make a mean cupcake?

Because Aloi SAYS SO.

There are currently 326 comments under her article. I didn't read them all - I actually do have a life, sorry to disappoint! - but have read a large number of them, and the themes running through them are:

• Screw you, Peg Aloi, you judgmental hag.
• Why can't you kick-ass and knit?
• What the hell?
• This isn't the 1800's. We aren't *required* to knit now. It's a *choice* we make.
• I kind of want to stab you with my knitting needles.
• You know what's awesome? Feminist women telling others how to behave.

And do you know what's missing? Ms. Aloi. She hasn't made a PEEP. She is GONE. Just like Julie Klausner, who, to the best of my knowledge, dropped that load-of-shit article on us back in June and never commented on the fury it ignited, Ms. Aloi hasn't responded in the least.

Now, I'm not saying she has to. She has the right to her own opinion. It would be hypocritical of me to say I can't stand women telling me how to behave and then turn around and tell Ms. Aloi how to do so.  On some level, I almost, almost, think I get, in a tiny way, what she might have been trying to say. Because listen, girly-girl giggly shit sets my teeth on edge, too. Feigned helplessness. Doe-eyed false childishness. But that's never mentioned, so I assume that's not what she's referring to, and what I take objection to in these behaviors is that the women using them are pretending to be something they're not because they think that's how they have to act in order to get what they want - a man, a promotion, taken care of, etc. (And yes, I realize I'm being a little hypocritical - I tell people they're doing douchey things on here all the time, and even in judging these type of women, that's doing something I'm calling her out for. Thing is, I have a blog that doesn't have a fraction of the readership that The Huffington Post does, and I'd like to think that I wouldn't make a blanket statement like "knitters= weak women so go out and learn to shoot a gun instead" at all without my tongue planted firmly in my cheek. And "pretending you're helpless to 'catch' a man" is very different than "baking cupcakes = weak", no?) 

Here's what it all boils down to, for me. First, being tough is not measured by your leisure activities. Toughness is a state of mind and is reflected in how you react to situations, I think. Am I alone in this? Second, being a bully does not make you tough. Being a bully is actually one of the biggest signs of weakness a person can show. And what Ms. Aloi is doing in this article is bullying. She's bullying women into thinking they are not good enough, that their pasttimes are an affront to womanhood, that they are weak and small and unimportant and childlike because they like traditionally domestic activities.

Personally? I bake a mean cupcake (although my cookies are to die for - seriously, if you've had my Double Dark Chocolate Chunk Espresso Cookies, you know, I am the queen of cookies), I'm wearing a Hello Kitty band-aid RIGHT NOW (honestly, it's because there was this kickass sale a while back and I got a ton of boxes of kiddie band-aids for free so that's all there is in the house at the moment), I can't garden, I hate tomatoes (both heirloom and regular), I love my cats, I can cook enough to keep myself fed, I like Jane Austen but am not in love with her, and I can't knit. But I can crochet. Like a madwoman. And I'm a badass crocheter. I mean, I can make CLOTHES. I've made WHOLE BLANKETS. I'm very, very good at it.

I'm also tough. And no one telling me I'm not, based on my habits and activities, is able to take that away from me. I'm secure in the knowledge of my strength. Bigger bullies than you, Ms. Aloi, have worked me over, sorry to say. You're small-time.

If you're not secure in your own inner strength, Ms. Aloi, don't try to pass that off onto the rest of us. That's not very tough of you. And as for women who aren't having enough "fun" - well, I'm glad you're the fun police? What a nice title to have! But please let me be the judge of what's enjoyable in my own life.

Women - if you take anything away from this, please let it be this. You are good enough. You are amazing. You are just who you are meant to be; you love what you are meant to love; and anyone who tells you that you are not good enough, and that you don't measure up, and that your behaviors and the things you enjoy are not acceptable? IS AN ASSHOLE AND A BULLY. People like this should not be in your life. They are emotional vampires. They will take away your inner strength and use it to prop themselves up because they don't have any of their own. You are the only person who can stop this behavior; you are the only person who can say, "No, you know what? I don't accept this treatment, I deserve better than this" and get gone, either by removing them or removing yourself. 

I'm not telling you how to act; I'm not bullying you; I'm just saying your personal net worth is immeasurable, and you can't even imagine the weight that's lifted the moment you realize that.

(Side note - research on Peg Aloi tells me that she teaches at a college here in the town where I live. So, that's fun. And maybe when I'm buying groceries I'm rubbing elbows with her! Good gracious I hope I'm not buying heirloom tomatoes OH THE HUMANITY. Don't worry, I'm not. I hate tomatoes.)

(Title's from a Cranberries song - "A Fast One.")