Of course they needed to care. It was the meaning of everything.

Yesterday, we discussed children’s books, and also penguins who shared a forbidden love, except not forbidden, and totally awesome.

Today: young adult novels. And sorry in advance, this sucker is LONG. Maybe take a break halfway through! Have a muffin! Some coffee! Take a nice walk!

As a young adult, the last thing I wanted to be reading was young adult novels. I wanted to be a grownup! Which meant reading grownup novels, full of grownup things like jobs! And illicit sex with your married next-door neighbor! And carpooling! Also, when I was a teenager, many moons ago, there weren’t a lot of good young-adult novels. We had the Sweet Valley High series. If you grew up reading these, you know they were not good. Our options were kind of limited.

Young adult literature is currently fantastic. I don’t wish I was a young adult in 2011 – too many opportunities for people to take embarrassing cell-phone videos of me – but I do wish I was a young adult reader in 2011. These kids have options. It’s awe-inspiring. Sure, there’s still crap *coughTwilightcough* but there are also a lot of amazing books out there for young adults to read, if they choose to read young adult lit, as opposed to adult lit.

I’m quickly on my way to middle-age, and I love young adult lit. I probably read as much young-adult lit as I do traditional adult lit in a year. There are missteps, sure, just as there are in any genre, but there are also a lot of excellent books out there.

There’s also a huge backlash against young adult lit right now, so much so that there’s an entire YA Saves movement out there. Do a Google search and you’ll find a ton of blogs with their stories about how YA literature saved them when they needed someone and there were no people available. Books are always available. Books can save us. I believe very strongly in this myself, as the woman a bullied teen grew into.

The list of YA novels that are banned is a lengthy one, because WE NEED TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN is very strong when the children are teenagers. The teenagers! They need us to protect them the most! Otherwise, they might see DIRTY CUSSES! And VIOLENCE! And SEXUAL SITUATIONS! That they would not see ANYWHERE ELSE EVER ONLY IN BOOKS! Oh, wait, they’ll see them EVERYWHERE else. And like I said yesterday, if it’s in a book, you can also read the book, and you can open up a discussion with your teen – and *gulp* - HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM OR HER. Whoo! Groundbreaking stuff, talking to your teenager!

Am I saying that young adults need to be reading actual pornography? Why, no, jackass, I am not actually saying that! What I’m saying is, give our children some credit. Underneath those baggy jeans that are falling down that I’m too old to understand and their trendy t-shirts are actual LITTLE PEOPLE. (Not “little people,” you weirdo. Sheesh.) With brains! And feelings! They would like to choose, personally, what they read. Even if it’s sparkly-vampire garbage.

Listen, I don’t want kids, and I don’t plan on having kids. But if I did, well, the karmic joke would be that they’d hate reading, I suppose. But let’s just assume they liked reading. I’d talk to them about the books they wanted to read. I’d suggest books. I’d discuss the books after they were done reading. We would have discussions spurred by the topics in the book. I loved the adults that talked to me in an adult way about literature when I was a teenager. Why do we assume our kids aren’t capable of handling topics in an adult fashion? Kids in today’s society are, honestly, more savvy about a lot of things than I am. Which is sad and a little scary but also true.

Today’s banned books! Young adult edition!

YOUNG ADULT NOVELS

The Giver – Lois Lowry

Reason for ban: “too negative” 

Synopsis: in a dystopian future, a young man is chosen to be the Receiver of Memories for his community. Once he grasps the truth of what is happening around him, he struggles with the hypocrisy of his society.

(Note – this is actually the first in a series of young adult novels, and continues with Gathering Blue and The Messenger, both set in the same version of the future. However, unlike the series I cover below, this book is most definitely a stand-alone as well, and I like it better than the others in the series, so I’m going to include it on its own.)

I read this book in college and was absolutely blown away by the leaps and bounds that young adult literature had made since I was a teenager. The topics in this novel are deep and profound and the writing is mysterious and beautiful. I don’t want to give too much away, in case anyone hasn’t read it. I know most of you have read The Hunger Games, probably, and if you did, and you like dystopian novels, you will love this book (and the whole series, although this is the best of the three, in my opinion.) The “too negative” ban made me laugh. Too negative? Yes, the topics covered in this book are fairly negative, sure. But here’s the thing – THEY’RE TRUE. They’re a potential outcome of where our society is heading. They’re eerily accurate. This is the young adult version of Fahrenheit 451 or 1984, without being a copy of either of those novels. The people that don’t want our children to read this are the type of people that will end up creating the dystopian futures of young adult literature. Does that scare the shit out of you? It should.

Bridge to Terebithia – Katherine Paterson 

Reason for ban: Violence, death, profanity, promotion of secular humanism/occultism

Synopsis: Jess, a lonely boy, meets Leslie, a new girl in town. They become best friends and create a magical world in the woods where they can play and use their imagination together.

You’ve all read this, right?  You have. Please tell me you have. Or you saw the movie, at least, which wasn’t as good as the book, because instead of you using your imagination to create Terebithia, the set designers and animatronics guys did and it was ok, but not great?

It’s kind of killing me to not just say what happened in this book that makes it both the most transcendent and also the most devastating thing I read in my childhood ever. But if it means I’m not spoiling even one person, I won’t say a word.

The reason this is being banned is because the book banning people – who have SO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS OMG CAN I HAVE A LITTLE OF THAT THANKS – think Terebithia is about witches or some such shit and this book will teach children that the Kingdom of God is nonsense and that we don’t need no Jesus, we can create our own religion in the woods with our imaginations and that is NAUGHTY.  Well, you know what I want to teach my hypothetical and not-going-to-ever-exist child? That their imagination is a very powerful force, and to use it or lose it. This book never says that religion is medicine-man hokum. If that’s what the book banners are reading into it, well, they’re using THEIR imaginations, now, aren’t they?

This book is also another example of a book that’s banned because it has a lot of truth in it that people think we have to shield our children from. There are bullies, and parents who don’t always act in the best interest of their children. There’s also A Very Bad Thing. A Very Bad Thing happens in this book. Which I won’t mention just in case you haven’t read it. But it’s something heartbreaking, and when I read this book, it was something I’d never read in a book about children before, and I remember putting the book down and actually saying, out loud, “No. No, that can’t be right,” and reading VERY VERY FAST ahead, ahead, ahead, to see if it was a joke, or a mistake. It wasn’t. I like that this book didn’t pull any punches. I respected that. This book scares the book-banners. Which is why you should read this book with your children, like, now.

Speak – Laurie Halse Anderson 

Reason for ban: Sexual violence, violence against women/children

Synopsis: a young woman stops speaking rather than give voice to a tragedy that occurred in her life.

This book should be required reading for any young woman. I don’t say that lightly. Is it violent? Yes. Is it violent against women? Yes. Do the book-banners have a point in their criticisms? Well, listen, the book-banners have a point in MOST of their criticisms. They’re not made-up reasons. It’s not like I could say “I want to ban The Bible because I don’t like the way it trivializes the way toilet paper should hang over the roll” because immediately, people would say “THAT ISN’T EVEN IN THERE” and I’d look like a huge weirdo dumbass toilet-paper fetishist. Most of the reasons that the book-banners want to ban books are reasons that are actually IN the books, because it would look pretty stupid if they wanted to ban them for non-existent reasons.

This book should be read for the simple reason that it shows what happens, very graphically, to a teenage victim of sexual assault. Sorry if I gave that away, but I’m pretty sure you could have guessed from the reasons people want it banned. I won’t go into much detail, because I think you should read it (or watch the movie, which is an indie film starring Kristen Stewart before she became a morose vampire hoor – the plot varies, but it’s still fairly compelling. And KStew actually isn’t the world’s worst actor, when she’s given decent source material.)

If we protect our darling baby-pink princess daughters from all the scary things in the world? They will get eaten alive by said scary things the minute they step foot outside of the castle in their fairy kingdom. Would you send your boy-scout sons out for a night camping without a canteen and a tent? No, you would not. Then why in the name of all that’s holy would you not prepare your daughters for the possibility of violence against women?

“It’s ugly. My daughter doesn’t need to see that.” Yep, you know what else is ugly? Your daughter getting date raped because she wasn’t prepared for that possibility, or even aware that that possibility exists. “It’s violent, and violence only begets violence.” Well, I’m pretty sure a young woman reading this isn’t going to perpetrate what happens to the narrator on another young woman, so that’s a bit of a moot point. “Children don’t need to read things like this; they’re ugly.” Then don’t let children read it. Let young adults read it. And the world is filled with ugliness. This book is not pretty, but it’s true, and for how heartbreaking it is, it’s also triumphant.

Here’s something I have discovered during Banned Books Week 2011, which probably a lot of people already knew:

The people banning books are doing so because they’re scared. What are they scared of? Truth. And to keep the truth from your children, they want to make books containing it hard for them to obtain.

YOUNG ADULT SERIES

The Hunger Games series – Suzanne Collins 

Reason for ban: “could numb students to the effects of violence”

Synopsis: In a dystopian future where America is broken into Districts, many of which are quite poor, young people are forced, annually, to fight to the death for public entertainment.

Have I mentioned my love for dystopian fiction? I would think it’s pretty obvious. I love it in books, I love it in movies, I love it in television series. Well, when it’s done correctly, anyway. Suzanne Collins did this series WELL.

Strong female lead. Tell me you don’t hear “The girl who was on fire” and get chills. Characters you care about. Plot so well-done and suspenseful that you can’t put it down.

Could it numb students to the effects of violence? Well, I suppose a lot of things could happen, in this crazy world we live in. I guess that could happen. I guess it could do that. I guess it could also show young women that they don’t need to be rescued by a man and that they have the inner strength needed to rescue themselves. Or that adults don’t always do the right thing. Or that our future might not be so rosy, if we’re not careful. Anything can happen, really. You know what happened when the daughter of a co-worker read the first book? A young woman who, previously, had to be bribed to finish her homework and wouldn’t be caught dead reading for *ugh* FUN? She wanted the second book. And then the third. Then she asked her mother, “Are there other books like this one? About girls like this?” I almost cried when I heard that story.  I’m a little teary-eyed now. IT INFECTED HER, you guys. It made her want MORE. So by all means, let’s ban this, please. Let’s ban something that makes our young people want to read. That’s a good move.

The Harry Potter series – J.K. Rowling 

Reason for ban: Witchcraft, violence

Synopsis: Really? Do I have to? Don’t you already know? Fine. A young man finds out he is a wizard and enters a school of witchcraft, where he meets friends, has adventures, and fights enemies.

I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell anyone reading this about this series, because if you haven’t read it, or watched at least one of the movies, or read about it, or somehow absorbed something about it via osmosis, I think you might live in a cave, and how are you reading my blog?

Is there witchcraft in this series? Um, well, yes, yes there is. Since it’s about witches. Is there violence? Yes, again, there is that, especially when you get to the later books in the series.

There’s also friendship. And love. And valor. And compassion. And bravery. And intelligence. The writing and plot are crisp and work both for young adults and adults (as an adult who started the series in her mid-twenties, they certainly work for adults.) Stephen King’s famous Harry Potter quote, just because I love it: “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.”

Also, there’s Neville Longbottom. Let’s set aside, for a moment, movie-Neville, who went from a chubby dorky kid to a drop-dead gorgeous young man over the years, and concentrate on book-Neville. I liked Harry and Ron and Hermione and I kind of loved Snape and enjoyed a lot of the other characters but I ADORE Neville. Neville had it rough. He could easily have been The Boy Who Lived, but Voldemort didn’t pick him. He isn’t the golden boy. He keeps his head down, he does his job, he works hard, he’s a good friend, and he gets bullied. Relentlessly. His parents are dead (or as good as dead, really.) He lives with his abusive, abrasive grandmother. But Neville never lets this get him down. Neville is all of us. We don’t shine. We’re not the stars. We’re in the shadow of the stars. But we get our moment, once and a while. I liked everyone else. I loved Neville. My heart broke for Neville, book after book after book. This is something we should ban? This is something we should keep from our children?

Is this series going to make young adults want to start practicing Wicca? Well, I suppose, some of them. I can’t rule that out. But most of them will be turned off when they realize they can’t make potions that turn them into other people or make things levitate or create a Patronus, I’d imagine – and the ones that stick with it, well, I’m not going to say it’s a bad thing, because it’s a good practice that I’ve been involved in and it promotes caring about yourself, the earth, and other people. Is it going to make them violent toward one another? Well, again, I suppose anything’s possible, but I think it’s probably fairly unlikely that Harry Potter is inspiring anyone to attack their classmates with a Cruciatus Curse. Or that they’d have the right wand to do the deed correctly, honestly.

The His Dark Materials series – Philip Pullman 

Reason for ban: Drug use, violence, cruelty against children and animals, anti-Christian message

Synopsis: In an alternate England where magic works side-by-side with science, a young man and woman come of age while having a series of adventures.

If you’ve seen the movie, please pretend you didn’t. The movie was not indicative of how amazing, brilliant, heartbreaking, awesome, and wonderful this series is.

Lyra Silvertongue. One of my favorite literary heroines of all time.

I’m always amazed when people haven’t read this. It’s the forerunner to Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, people. It is BRILLIANT.

It’s pretty obvious why it would be banned. This book does not care much for God, and does not hide that fact. At all. I won’t spoil it, but when it comes to God, this series pretty much says, “Who needs THAT nonsense?” and kind of literally, too. Read it. You’ll see what I mean. It’s not a series for someone who doesn’t like to ask questions, or who doesn’t like their worldview shaken. But it is a series for an intelligent reader, a thoughtful reader, a caring reader.  Lyra is a strong female lead who – shocking news ahead! – MAKES MISTAKES LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN WOULD OMG. Real things happen. People die. Sometimes the wrong people. People make the wrong decisions; people screw things up irreparably; people in this series are very much like everyone you’d meet in real life. They’re not above error. And you love them for it. And you root for them. And you weep with them, and you cheer for them. It’s not a happy series, overall. But it’s a TRUE series. And sometimes that’s better, both for young adult readers and for adult readers, because real life is messy, and if you’re reading books where everything turns out perfectly all the time, you start to wonder why things in your own life are so screwed-up if everyone else’s lives are so perfect.

I know, I know, I promised to keep this brief. I didn’t succeed. I’m a bit of a book nerd, as you can tell. If anyone’s still with me, you’re probably as much of a book nerd as I am, and I love you for it. Tomorrow (hopefully, if work doesn’t kick my ass into submission like today did!), my favorite banned adult novels, or why the classics are warping the youth of America’s minds so badly they will probably die unless we ban the shit out of them for their own good.

This is likely the only back-to-school fashion article you're going to read with unicorn sweaters in it.

It’s back-to-school time for the kiddos of the world. I know this because it is ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT EVERYWHERE EVER. The women in my office were discussing it this morning over their coffee. “When do YOUR kids go back to school?” “Oh, MY kids go back to school TODAY.” “Oh, MINE don’t go back until TOMORROW.”

This is all very interesting OMG I can’t even breathe with the overwhelming excitement please someone get me one of those paper bags so I can hyperventilate into it.

Fine, fine, the kids of America need to go to school, if only to learn the difference between “their” and “they’re” and that “alot” isn’t really a word and that Europe is a continent, not a country.

But you know what the back-to-schoolers need? Fashion tips. Because it is a scary world out there! A world full of options! What is in? What is out? HOW CAN I BE COOL?

Well, I am nothing if not helpful. And I enlisted AN ACTUAL TEENAGER to help me with fashion tips for the back-to-schoolers. You are welcome. Please mention me in your valedictory speech.

According to R., our helpful teen and a very stylish young lady, the place to shop is Delia’s. This is a store I have never heard of, because I am old and I’m pretty sure it's the kind of place I would speed past when I go to the mall because it would frighten me. So I went to the Delia’s website to check out what fashions to endorse for the upcoming school year.

First, I am confused by the layout of the name of the store on the website. It is set up thusly: dELiA*s. AND IT IS IN MY SPELLCHECK LIKE THIS. That means Microsoft Word knows about this travesty of spelling. Is it code? I tried to decipher the code. ELA. dis? It is apparently a code that only teens can understand. DENIED!

R. – who was sporting a Flashdance-style off-the-shoulder shirt/tank top combo (but when I mentioned that they were popular when I was a teen as well, and how fashion is cyclical, said, “This is INSPIRED by the SEVENTIES” and when I said “Flashdance wasn’t in the 70’s – how old do you think I AM, anyway?” looked at me like I had two heads and each was spouting nonsense syllables) informed me of the following:

• Skinny jeans and jeggings are the “in” thing this season.
• Kids like “fun” t-shirts. But only if the “fun” is in air-quotes.
• Fourteen-year-olds are too old to wear unicorn sweaters unless they’re wearing them ironically.

These are important tips. You can pass them along to your children, if you’d like. Or use them yourself, if you want to act younger than you are. But that’s kind of pathetic and you’re better than that, don’t you think?

So anyway. dELiA*s. Skinny jeans and jeggings (or, as my guide informed me, “Jeggings? You DO know what jeggings are, right?” *eyeroll*) look UNCOMFORTABLE. My stars. Example:

I picked these because wow, what a color! Like Big Bird!

THESE ARE TOO TIGHT. Look at the wrinkles of tightness! These would only look good on someone with NO BODY FAT AT ALL. Otherwise, you’d look like a sausage stuffed into these things.

When I was in school, the in thing was stirrup pants. They were AWESOME. Here, check this out. These are MUCH BETTER AND MORE FLATTERING THAN JEGGINGS.

See? They were awesome for many reasons. One of which being they never rode up. Because of the stirrup. Multitasky! No, I don't KNOW why this photo is so fuzzy. It looks like a Barbara Walters interview subject. Probably because it's vintage and doesn't want you to know its real age.

Also, we liked tights with no feet in them but with a wide band of lace around the ankle. Then you would peg your jean cuffs and wear your feetless tights so that when you sat down, the lace peeked out. IT WAS JUST ABOUT THE SEXIEST. I would show you a picture but the only one I could find online was from some website that I’m pretty sure was a weird fetish website because IT WAS JUST THAT TITILLATING. BAM! We were the sexiest, yo.

Well, if you can’t dress in super-sexy stirrups or feetless fancy lacy tights I suppose you need to turn to anorexia and get yourself some jeggings because they are the in thing this season. If you don’t get them, you will not have any friends and also someone might throw tater tots at you in the lunchroom and wasting tater tots is a capital offense. Also you will never get a boyfriend if you don’t have tight pants. Sorry. SORRY! JEGGINGS. R. says you cannot call them tight pants. That makes you sound like an old person.

Next, let’s talk shirts. R. likes shirts with sayings on them but not stupid sayings. Well, I approve of that. dELiA*s apparently caters to all kinds of teens. Here are some examples:

This is from the television program Pretty Little Liars. Ezra is a teacher. There are a LOT of these shirts in different styles.  If I was in high school, I would get one of these, and if anyone asked, tell them it was referring to Ezra Pound? Because that would be AWESOME. Then they would throw tater tots at me. Also, I don’t know if dELiA*s should really be endorsing the underage teacher-student illegal relationship on its tees?

This is called, according to the website, the “Shinging Star Tee.” Well! That is a good name and not at all misspelled! We all like to shing. Shing on, you crazy diamond! Also, WHERE IS THE REST OF IT. Crop tops? These are still in style? Really? Well, I suppose if you have no body fat because you took my advice about the eating disorder in order to fit into your canary-yellow jeggings you’ll look just delectable in this top. You’ll totally shing like the sun.

OMG ZOMBIES TOTALLY TOOK BITES OUT OF THE SHOULDERS OF THIS SHIRT. “Live Free!” Well, until the zombies get you. Up until then, live free, though. Have a good time!

This one is wrong on a lot of levels.

• Not enough sleeves!
• Not long enough!
• But what. BUT WHAT? Very vague, shirt. Is it an abstinence shirt? Like, “I love you, but don’t touch me there, please, because I don’t want to be on that MTV Teen Moms show?” Or, I love you, but not LOVE love you, and I was only experimenting, Jennie, I’m not really a lesbian, I’m sorry you got my name tattooed on your lower back? Or I love you, but I’m going to give you some constructive criticism right now like “when you talk it sounds like you’re gargling with razor blades please stop that?” SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.

dELiA*s also had a thing for any pun on the word "moustache." Apparently, one of the marketing people got really high and realized that "moustache" sounds kind of like "must ask." So there are a lot of things like this happening:

Ha! Whoa. What WITTY WORDPLAY. I am BLOWN AWAY by this.

And now, what NOT to wear, per R.

UNICORN SWEATERS.

Unless you wear these ironically, these are NOT OK.  (And I don’t know how anyone could wear these ironically. Maybe draw wee horn-rimmed glasses on the unicorns?)

And there you go! This has been very helpful on many levels. I can’t even imagine all the things you’ve learned, probably there are SO MANY THINGS, but I’ve learned that going into dELiA*s would most likely cause me to run around tugging down the hemlines of all the t-shirts because I’m pretty sure all the girls would have chilly tummies. Also, that I miss the super-sexiness of high school. You don’t even know sexy until you’ve got your footless tights, pegged acid-washed jeans, baggy sweater, gigantic plastic earrings, and hair to the sky courtesy of Aqua Net and a ratting comb. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I MY FRIENDS AND I WERE NOT MORE IN DEMAND.

I refuse to labor today. Therefore I didn't work on this post much. IT IS MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN.

It's Labor Day! Our nation's most ironically-titled holiday. Hooray!

As it's Labor Day, I really should celebrate by not-laboring. So someone else really should come over here and do my laundry, dishes, housecleaning, and write today's blog entry, so I'd be free to finish the book I've been reading for two weeks, watch a little television, and make my lunch appointment without rushing around like a maniac. WHY AREN'T YOU ALL JUMPING IN TO VOLUNTEER. This is a fantastic opportunity.

Fine. 

Let's talk about things that are upsetting. How is this different from what I do on any other day? IT ISN'T.

First: True Blood.

(spoilers, so if you're not up on, and caught up to, last night's episode, skip ahead. Or just read, because you know what? IT ISN'T WORTH YOUR TIME.)

True Blood was one of my favorite things when it first came out. I'd read the series; other than the silliness quotient (rather high at times), it was entertaining and enjoyable. Season One was one of the best shows on television. Alan Ball, I was convinced, could do no wrong. Yes, Sookie was a complete numbskull and Bill annoyed the piss out of me, but the cast of supporting characters was amazing enough that you could ignore the two of them and just daydream about Pam and Eric when they were on doing their "Sookeh! Beeel!" bullshit and all was well.

Season Two was a crapfest, and no one understood really what was going on there. Orgies! All the time! So many orgies! Bloody orgies with old people whose bodies were not enjoyable to look upon! Supporting cast was still fun, but the orgy thing (which I'm pretty sure was Alan Ball thinking, "People? They like the nudity! Let's have lots! Plot? Eh. Whatever") was exhausting. 

Season Three was better - not back to the glory that was Season One, but better.

And now we're in Season Four, and it is not only a crapfest, it is an ENTIRE CRAP ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT-BUFFET. Witches - which aren't a bad idea - have taken over the plot. And they are ridiculously stupid and the plot is poorly written with holes you could pilot the Titanic through and none of the previously saving-grace supporting characters are even acting like they're supposed to and are being given enough screen time because IT'S ALL ABOUT THE EFFING WITCHES. Someone asked me if they should watch an episode they had DVR'd and I told them the best thing I had to say about the episode was that Jessica's hair was shiny and sometimes Jason was funny, a little. And that was being kind, because Jessica's hair wasn't that shiny and Jason wasn't that funny. Alan Ball checked OUT for this season. It is AWFUL. An example: last night, the witches were attempting to kill all the vampires (as they have in almost every episode this season.) Sookie didn't want this to happen so she decided to use her magical fairy hands to stop them and flashed the witches with fairy light. OK, fine. But the head witch got angry and put Sookie in a ring of flames that kept moving in closer to her as punishment, attempting to kill her. Sookie - whose magical hands can restore memory, erase curses, knock people off their feet, etc. - just stood there, whining for help, crying out for "Beeel! Eric!" over and over, and not doing anything to help herself. OK, so you're able to save all the vampires one second, but unable to save yourself immediately after? Why is that, exactly? Pam asked Eric and Bill why they were going to risk the entire vampire race for "a gash in a sundress" last night and I completely agree (and I heart Pam because apparently she is the only voice of reason in the entire town.) Seriously? Sookie has NO PERSONALITY. She just sits there looking pretty, puts out, and once and a while yells at people and has fairy hands. Wow. Totally one-in-a-million! Unfortunately, the fire did not kill her, so we're still dealing with her nonsense and whining and inability to choose between lovers and whatnot.

Also, they FINALLY killed off the head witch, who has been the most annoying character alive for the entire season, and then BROUGHT HER BACK TEN MINUTES LATER. Alan Ball! I kind of want to punch you in the throat right now.

Next: J.C. Penney.

Last week, J.C. Penney - totally on the pulse of fashion! - came out with this shirt for children and teens:

The tagline on the website read: "Who has time for homework when there's a new Justin Bieber album out? She'll love this tee that just as cute and sassy as she is."

After Twitter went utterly and completely bugshit over it, J.C. Penney discontinued the shirt, but the point is - IT MADE IT ONTO THE WEBSITE. This was marketed to young girls.

If it didn't result in so many people being furious at the store, I'd assume J.C. Penney (who, let's face it, really isn't super-hip or buzzed about at the moment) had done this in a trolly, "it will get people talking and any publicity is good publicity" way. And maybe they did? They seem like they're run by old people. And maybe old people think "Oh, the Tweeter! We have to get people Twitting about us on the Tweeter. This will do it!" I don't know. It doesn't seem like this could be for real, does it? I mean, this looks like a joke t-shirt. Like something you'd see on a super-ironic hipster, or a homeless person who found it in a dumpster.

We had Teen Talk Barbie in the 90's with her "Math class is tough!" and we have Maggie Goes on a Diet coming out in October which is rumored to encourage our teenage girls right into eating disorders and, in real life, we had my freshman year science teacher, when I had trouble understanding a concept and had asked for further help with it, telling me not to bother - "Girls don't have a brain that's wired to understand science" and my Physics teacher, a few years later, telling me a variant on the same thing: "Physics is for boys; it's ok that you didn't do as well on the test, because you're a girl, and physics is too hard for girls."

Stand still, young girls. Look pretty, young girls. Be quiet, young girls. Smile big, young girls. Don't fight, young girls. Don't try, young girls. Don't worry, young girls. Be perfect, young girls. Be nothing, young girls. Be empty, young girls. Don't bother, young girls.

Young women of the world: society is going to continue to put you down. It is up to you to fight that. Guess what? You are just as capable as a young man of doing well in school. You are just as capable as a young man of doing well in stereotypically MALE courses - math, science, computer science, effing WOOD SHOP, if that still even exists? - as a young man. Until we no longer accept things like this, they will keep happening.

Also, Justin Bieber? Really? Sigh.

Now, to balance out the negative: two things that are shiny-awesome:

First: hope for a new generation.

Banned Book week is fast approaching, and we'll discuss that more when it gets here, but I found this the other day and it just made my heart soar.

There are kids who are making a difference out there. There are kids like this one who are running an illegal banned-book library out of an empty school locker. (And, even better? She didn't include Twilight in her secret library. You know, because it isn't literature. I love this kid.) She's probably going to get caught, but you know what? She did it. She believed in something and she did something about it. This kind of kid is the reason I don't completely despair about the state of society. Her parents are raising her right, too. I don't want kids? But I'd want this one.

Second: Red State.

As mentioned in the past, I'm a huge Kevin Smith fan. His new movie, Red State, is out on VOD this week, so last night, when I couldn't sleep, I rented it and watched it.

It's not a typical Kevin Smith movie, first off. There are Kevin Smith touches - dialogue is dense, well-written and crisp; monologues are typical Smith (which some people might hate, and he can be a bit heavy-handed, but I love them); camera work is beautiful (which may not as much be Smith as the cinematographer? I have a theater background where it's all the director, so I'm not sure.) 

It's not a comedy, though. I'll try not to be too spoilery, but if you want to remain completely spoiler-free, probably go to your barbecue now?

At heart, it's a thriller. Three boys are lured into a cult-like fanatic religion and the ATF shows up on rumors of automatic weaponry being amassed. It's upsetting. Really, really upsetting. Bloody and gory-upsetting, yes, but crazy fanatacism upsetting, which I find scarier any day than clowns or zombies or creepy children jumping out from behind things with knives.

The cult leader is based on that nutbar Phelps from the Westboro Baptist Church (but ISN'T him, as Phelps is actually mentioned by one of the law-enforcement officers.) And if you think Phelps hates homosexuality...wait until you meet this guy. You might think it's over-the-top - but it's not, not really. There are people like this. And that's horrifying. It frightened me to the point of tears.

The violence is realistic and very bloody. If you have an issue with that, don't watch it. There's a little humor, but not much. Lots of stars - Kevin Alejandro from True Blood, John Goodman, Melissa Leo, Kevin Pollack, apparently Marc Blucas but I never saw him or recognized him, Kyle Gallner from Veronica Mars, Stephen Root, Betty Aberlin from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, Jennifer Schwalbach. 

It wasn't what I was expecting at all - but it was very powerful. And very upsetting. I recommend it. But don't go into it expecting it to be like anything you've seen from Kevin Smith before.

Happy Labor Day, all! Enjoy the day off. Barbecues! Alcoholic beverages! End of summer! Last day for white pants! (I can't imagine even owning white pants. That would be such a mistake. Can you IMAGINE the things I would spill on them? Disaster! Waiting to happen!)