Dear Lucy, Volume Two. You all need to start taking better advantage of me, seriously.

            I am not 100% sure what’s going on with you all, honestly.

Last month, I did a very successful advice column in which I helped many, many people with very important issues. We discussed things like how to make men like you, and annoying people, and the Alvin and the Chipmunks theme. So of course this month, I was SURE I’d have a ton of questions. I mean, seriously, if I wasn’t me, I’d take advantage of my helpfulness and amazing advice-giving capabilities! But I AM me, and I cannot even tell you how well that’s going for me. I was telling Luis Fernando, my poolboy, just the other day – oh, have I not told you about Luis Fernando? Yes, he’s Argentinian, and quite a catch! I’ll have to have you over sometime, his caipirinhas are to die for, he muddles divinely. Anyhoo. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Nando and I were just saying, over sugarcane beverages and footrubs, what an excellent exciting time it is to be me, darling, I can’t even express the fabulosity of this existence!

FINE there is no Luis Fernando or fancy beverages and I hate footrubs but my place DOES have a really scuzzy pool over by the laundry room where there are always kids that look like they have ringworm, are you satisfied? SEND ME SOME DAMN QUESTIONS ALREADY I AM EXCELLENT AT ANSWERING THEM.

I got two questions this month. TWO! I am putting my complete and total expertise out there and you are not taking advantage. How often does a total stranger let you take advantage of them online without it being a sting operation? Not very damn often. It’s usually the other way around and it’s a Nigerian prince trying to steal your money or tell you about the lottery you won that you never played.

I expect better from you, internet. I really do. FOR SHAME. Well, except the two questions that WERE submitted. All good things to you, question-submitters. As a thank you, please accept my totally awesome and not-at-all tongue-in-cheek advice. 

So I went to Yahoo Answers and got some questions from there so I can help those people. Because listen, have you ever BEEN to Yahoo Answers? THEY NEED MY HELP.

Dear Lucy, Volume Two

(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column) 

Q:         I’m in need of a real good life quote. What’s your favorite life quote/saying? –THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE 

A:          Well! Hello, Truth. I appreciate that you’ve come to me for guidance. I am super-good at helpful guidance, as seen by last month’s column and above and pretty much everywhere I can be found. Let’s see. You want a quote about life. Here is a quote about life that I think will not only apply to every single situation you encounter, but will make people think you are literate and well-read and possibly a little unhinged and storm-cloudy. “What fresh hell is this?” Dorothy Parker said that. You can have that one, for tee-shirts, or whatever. With my compliments. All for you, Truth! What’s that? You wanted something more cheerful? Well, you’re a little picky, and I don’t think I like your tone. Fine. Then you get “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.” I think you’ll find that one applies to life and to you in particular. Who’s that one from? Google it, Truth. If you can’t use Google, I’m sorry, I can’t help you any further. 

Q:         Why do gay people think their better than everyone else when god says there not? –OPEN-MINDED 

A:          I have some questions, actually, before I answer yours, OM. First: grammatically-speaking, can you spot all three of your errors in this question? I'm only speaking grammatically. I'm not speaking dogmatically or even intelligence-wise. Because if we're talking about "are gay people better than me, based on my command of English grammar rules," the answer is YES. YES MOST OF THEM ARE. Second, did God talk to you and tell you that gay people aren't better than everyone else? Or did you read that in the Bible? If so, where, exactly? I'd like chapter and verse, please. Because I know all of the passages that the thumpers like to spout when hate-speechifying, and none of them refer to "and then God spoke and He said 'no man that lyeth down with another man as with a woman is better than everyone else.'" Third, what kind of gay people are you hanging out with? Because the ones I know don't think they're "better" than everyone else. They think they're the SAME as everyone else. And as such, should be afforded the same rights and privileges. So, to answer your not-at-all-hurting-my-brain-and-eyes question, OM, the answer is they don't, and God doesn't, and there = where it is, their = belonging to them, and they're = they are. An example sentence, in which they are all used correctly, is "There is something wrong with people who are vocally homophobic when they're being hate-filled and evil by sharing their views publically in such a fashion." 

Q:        Why do people who don't believe in marriage get married? Background: a friend is going through a divorce after a year of marriage and, when questioned, said he didn't ever want to get married, he just did it because his girlfriend wanted to. –RENO-STYLE 

A:          My guess, Reno, is cake. Cake and societal pressure. Both are very strong forces; one for good, one for evil. Let's delve further into this cake issue. Recently, there has been this stupid meme going around Facebook. One of those "tag the top six people in your profile" things. And twice now I've been tagged as "the person most likely to steal and eat all of your wedding cake." Well, that is CORRECT. I don't know about stealing, though. At weddings? THEY GIVE YOU CAKE. It's true! You get cake. On a little plate! And it's usually delicious. Although sometimes it's fruit-filled or has jam and that's just a mean, mean trick. That's like adding raisins to a chocolate chip cookie. Why so mean, fruit people? Wedding cake should not have fruit. Unless it's pineapple. I could be down with pineapple. Anyway, I can see someone who was ambivalent about linking his or her future permanently to someone else's letting their decision be made by cake. I mean, there's a HUGE cake. And it's all for you. (Well, and your guests. But you get first dibs. And probably leftovers.) Second, societal pressure. Society expects us to pair up. And also, the paired-up folks make you WANT to pair up! I mean, you see on television and in movies and whatnot these adorable couples making dinner and finishing each other's sentences and getting all the exciting latte makers in huge piles of wedding gifts and eating all the cake and whatnot, and you want that! YOU TOTALLY WANT THAT. But then reality sets in, and you have someone living in your house ALL THE TIME. And they aren't as nice to you as when you were dating. And they don't leave! When they get annoying, they don't go home! BECAUSE THEY ARE HOME. So you are stuck until you get a divorce. But once you get a divorce, I bet people bring you all kinds of pity cake. So that's kind of a win, if you think about it in a positive light. 

Q:         Do girls like black hair? --CLARK KENT 

A:          I would assume so, Clark. Did you hear differently? Did someone tell you, Clark! Dye your hair another color or I'm so not going to the Spring Formal with you? I can't say I 100% understand your question, honestly. You are talking about hair on your head, right, and not weird body hair or something? I think girls might like a lot of things. It changes, as they age. When you're a kid, girls like the boys who make them laugh and share their snacks. When you're a teenager, girls like the boys who...well, make them laugh and share their snacks. And as adults, women like the men who...shit, it doesn't change at all, does it? We all just want a guy who makes us laugh and shares his Combos at recess. The color of a guy's hair really isn't something we consider. Well, not really. We all have preferences, I guess. I'm a fan of ginger boys and don't trust blondes; others might dig brunettes or Mr. Clean bald men, for all I know. I guess my answer is yes, Clark, yes, girls like black hair. Just make sure it's washed. Oh, and don't do that Bieber emo comb-forward shit. It makes me twitchy. Also I Tourette's-like yell out "HOW CAN HE SEE?" when I am around those kids. It's involuntary. 

Q:         Why does my cat claw the door when I’m in the bathroom, run in when I open the door, and jump on top of the hamper? –KITTY MAMA 

A:          Because it is a cat. Cats do a lot of stupid things. Sometimes mine gets the heebie-jeebies and I think sees a ghost and starts yowling at the wall and then plays dead and then runs around and his tail gets all big and then attacks my ankle. I don't have an explanation for that, either. My guess is your cat, like almost every cat I've ever met, is a crazy, furry, neurotic mess. The door is SHUT! He wants it OPEN! You are SITTING! He wants to SIT BY YOU! You are PEEING! He wants to ALSO BE IN THE ROOM! Nuts, Kitty. They're nuts. But they're really warm and furry and give headbutts, so we deal with the insanity. 

Q:         What does it mean when a guy rests his leg against yours under a table? –CURIOUS KATE 

A:          Kate, this is a very good question. It could mean many things, depending on context. Is the table small? There could be just not enough room and he has no choice. Is there a ton of room under there? He could be participating in frottage. Is he jiggling his leg around a lot? He could be trying to scratch an itch. Is he moving his foot around a lot and is your purse under the table? He could be trying to pickpocket you by grabbing your pursestrap with his foot like in this old movie I watched once and also don't ever put your purse on a restaurant floor because it is FILTHY down there. Oh, I am informed by a friend you are fishing around for me to tell you that he is indicating he is interested in you sexually. Well, that seems to be a very stupid way of showing it. Putting his hot sticky leg on yours? Why doesn't he just club you over the head and cart you off to his cave over his shoulder? The next time you want to know if someone lurrrves you once you start engaging in the phantom leg bumpage, Kate, I suggest simply saying the following (which only works if his name is Frederick): "Frederick, I notice you are resting your leg against mine under the table. I am enjoying this sensation, but am not sure of your intentions. If you are making an overture of romance toward my person, please speak of it to me; I am eager to wed, as I hear there is cake." 

Q:         Why isn't romance like it is in the movies? –WHEN HARRY MET SALLY 

A:          Listen, here is a story that might help you in your situation, Sally. Last night, I watched Beastly. Everyone told me I would hate it, not just my friends but reviewers, random people, the person I rented it from, EVERYONE. And I didn't hate it. Now, I know what you're thinking! I am broken and you never want to come to a movie with me. Well, that is TRUE. However! It was kind of touching and really dorky at times and the book was a kajillion times better but it was sweet, aw, and had people I liked in it and also NPH who is my favorite. What? Where am I GOING with this? You obviously don't understand how it works, being a super-awesome advice columnist. You get to the point ORGANICALLY. Like cage-free eggs. Oh, I have no idea where I was going with this. Why isn't romance like it is in the movies? That's a stupid question. NOTHING'S like it is in the movies. Your best friend never falls in love with you, there aren't 80 million serial killers on the loose at any given time, no one has a secret crush on you, there's not always an Armageddon happening, there aren't always car chases, and the guy you fight all the time with doesn't secretly love you, he really does hate you, that's why you're fighting with him. Sorry. If you get a movie romance happening, good for you. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Go take up roller derby or something. Those women seem kick-ass to me. 

Q:         How do you handle a 45-year old woman who just married a 25-year old and has turned into a huge raging dump toward her children? –GRR, ARGH 

A:          Grr, this is a shitty situation all around. First, a 25-year old? I'm thinking he heard the cake rumors. When I was 25, I was not ready to get married. Or even do the dishes on a nightly basis, actually. So that's kind of a suspicious thing to me, right there. Second, I'm assuming since they "just" married, they're in the honeymoon phase, which means lots of sex? So maybe just stay away until that's all over with? Although in my experience, all that sex should have a calmative effect and it seems to be doing the opposite with her. I'm at a loss. And I really did want to help. So I'm going to suggest ninja stars. I think they're really the best solution, and no one would suspect you because listen, who has ninja stars just laying around? They would probably suspect the new husband, to be frank. (As as aside, when I was in college, my roommate and I were reading our welcome-to-college brochure, and it had a list of do's and don'ts. And one of the prohibited items was "chukka sticks." So we were all, "What the hell is a chukka stick?" until we realized probably whoever wrote the thing thought that's what kids today were calling nunchucks. This was one of the highlights of my junior year.) And also, nice usage of "huge raging dump." Please to be teaching the grammar to Open-Minded above? 

Q:         What did you do today, baby? –BINOCULAR BOY 

A:          I don't...I woke up and came to work and did some work and now I am writing super-good advice ARE YOU WATCHING ME RIGHT NOW? Because that is freaking me OUT. Stop it. STOP IT. Who writes into an advice column with a question like this? DISTRESSING. You know what I DIDN'T do today? Forget to sharpen my knives or load my shotgun. Get out of my tree, McFly, I don't need any Peeping Toms today. 

Now you are HELPED. Go! Help others with your newfound wisdom! And the next time I ask you to send me questions, SEND THEM WEIRDOS. I can't help you if you won't let me.  And just between us, you totally need it. But your hair or whatever you're wearing today looks fabulous!

Ill-Prepared = FOREVER ALONE. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I was talking to a friend the other day about online dating, which intrigues me because I’ve had such weird experiences with it. “What do you talk about?” I asked her. “I don’t know, just stuff,” she said. Well, that’s vague. I pressed for more information. “Getting-to-know-you stuff, I guess,” she said. “Like, you ask each other questions, and get to know each other. And if you like each other, you see each other again. Or if they’re not a serial killer, or whatever.”
 

Well! This is important information. This is probably something I need to be prepared for! I like to study up for potential test situations. What if I were to go on a date and was not prepared properly with the getting to know you answers? Then I might come across as a serial killer, and a second date might not happen! Catastrophe!

 

So in order to prepare for this highly-unlikely date scenario, I found a list of potential getting-to-know-you questions, and will now let you have a peek at the answers. Because you might also want to prepare for this scenario! I will totally let you cheat from my answers. I don’t have a problem with sharing my crib sheet with you on this particular test. I don’t want any of my readers to be denied love because they come across as a serial killer. That would be a very sad situation! Everyone deserves love, after all. Well, except serial killers. Because they would probably just eat their significant other anyway, or at least carve them up like a Butterball or something.

 

Potential Getting-to-Know-You-Questions (with answers that you are free to steal unless your answers are better or less neurotic)

 

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

I don’t know. Macaroni and cheese, I think. Or grilled cheese. I’m going to say something with cheese. Would this endear me to a potential mate, or make him think I have a problem with saying no to dairy? Honestly, I don’t think I could fall in love with someone who didn’t appreciate cheese.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

Um. I don’t. Have? An iPod. Sorry. I KNOW. I know this makes me look like a crazy-person Luddite. I’m sorry. I have a weirdo off-name-brand MP3 player that won’t let me take off the songs I loaded four years ago and also eats batteries at a weird rate, and all my music is on my phone so I kind of listen to it there? Also I have a CD player from ten years ago that still works so I use that. And I listen to the radio. STOP BEING JUDGEY.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

I’ll be in my bunk.

I’m pretty sure if I said that on a date, the date would do one of three things: get it, and we’d live happily ever after; get it, and think I was hitting on him and the date would turn pervy, which may or may not be a good thing depending on how the date is going; not get it and be super-confused (in which case we’re probably not meant to be anyway.)

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

I’m confused about the wording of this question. Are you asking two questions – what I like to do indoors, and, also, what I like to do outdoors? Or is it an activity I can do in both places? I’m going to say text. You can do that anywhere. Including while peeing. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER DO THAT OF COURSE HOW TOTALLY UNSANITARY.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Cleaning the cat litter. Who likes that? It’s poo. Nothing’s fun about poo. These questions aren’t really making the date all about sexy-time.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it reveals that I don’t care for any forms of exercise at all.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

I don’t know, “least” favorite? That’s an odd thing to ask someone. Burro? They seem like they’d be uncomfortable.

What is your favorite body part?

Nope. Perv territory. Not happening. Wait til I get to know you better, imaginary internet date.

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for?

I wouldn’t. I hate parties. And also people. WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME INTERNET DATE.

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?

Wow, I can NOT paint. Or draw. I am AWFUL. I mean, I could TRY, but it would just be a total blobby mess. Probably Italy, because Italy was gorgeous, but I wouldn’t try. It would be an insult to Italy. They might hire mafia hitmen to come and kneecap me.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I don’t like this question because every age has pros and cons. I would like to be an age where I don’t have to work, but also don’t have to deal with puberty or high school, but also can drive, vote, and make my own decisions. So I guess 79. Also at that age I plan on having a cane and whacking people with it. Old people can get away with that shit. I’m eagerly anticipating that.

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?

I’m guessing I would spend less time dicking around on the internet. Also, probably I’d eat more bread. Once the world ends, no one’s going to say “I ate too much bread.” Mostly, they’re going to mourn the fact that they didn’t eat ENOUGH bread. So, yeah, lots and lots of bread, I think.

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?

If someone asked me this question I think I might go to the bathroom and then climb out the window because it’s annoying. I don’t want a mentor. I’ve never had a mentor and it doesn’t sound like something I’d want. What if you disappointed your mentor? You’d be feeling guilty about that for ages. I want a mentor I can’t disappoint. Leif Garrett. I want Leif Garrett as a mentor.

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

I have about a kajillion things I’d like to learn to do. I guess probably walk without falling is the most pressing, though. Or eat without dropping food on my blouse. That’s probably not the answer you’re going to want to use on your hypothetical date. Choose something sexier, like riding horses or competitive breakdancing.

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?

I can’t imagine anything different than I normally do. What WOULD one do if one were immortal for a day? Jump off a building? That seems irresponsible. Go save people from a fire, I suppose, something along those lines, I don’t know. You only have one day, how would you even know where the fires were happening? Are you asking me if I’d SET the fire? I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER. Stop with your trick questions.

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

I would LOVE to change my first name because there are 8 million people with my same name and also it’s TOO DAMN PERKY and I am NOT a perky person. I want to be something serious. Like Gertrude. You do NOT think Gertrude is going to be all giggles and sunshine. Gertrude is serious and Germanic and you do NOT screw with Gertrude. I approve.

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?

I don’t think you’re 100% on how reincarnation works. Animal, sure, but I don’t think you can get reincarnated as an inanimate object or abstract idea. But I’ll play along, internet date. Animal – some sort of jungle cat. Or possibly the honey badger, because, as you should be well-aware, the honey badger does NOT give a shit. Drink? Again, I must protest because this is not how reincarnation works. Lemonade? I don’t know. That’s foolish. Ice cream flavor? Sigh. Something almondy. You totally lost points with this question. I think you should know that. Like, to the point you’re probably not going to get laid tonight.

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?

I think it’s funny you don’t allow me to know the answer to THAT question. What are you HIDING, internet date? I guess my #1 question right now is what makes you think we get reincarnated as ice cream flavors? Did you read that in a book? I can’t imagine you did.

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?

Do people actually get “mistaken” for celebrities? I don’t. At one point, many years ago, someone told me I reminded them of Janeane Garofalo, but she kind of looks weird now and is super-thin and has lots of tattoos so I think that’s not really the case anymore.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Um. I – um. Are you on an imaginary date with someone a lot younger than me?

Fine. A ninja.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?

OMGWTFBBQ.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

I can’t control my mouth, especially when people are being complete and total dumbasses. Case in point: if  you die tomorrow, do you think you might be reincarnated as a gummi bear? If so, what flavor, and who would you want to eat you?

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?

I don’t want to answer all of those so I’ll just answer one. Worst received – lacy underwear by a creepy neighbor when I was WAY too young for sexy panties.

At what age did you become an adult?

You ask a lot of questions about my age/maturity level, and I’m kind of wondering if our date was set up in a To Catch a Predator chatroom. I don’t know. I moved out and on my own at 17. I still feel immature sometimes; sometimes I feel a million years old. You’re creeping me out a little.

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.

You know what made this question awesome? The “elaborate” part. It’s like an essay question on the SAT! I did NOT bring my #2 pencil. In this digital age where everyone has something to say about everything: yes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Are they words that are worth SAYING, is really the question. And the answer to that, is no, not usually.

Where’s Waldo?

Um. With your mom?

The best part of waking up is?

Folgers in your cup? You wanted me to say something sexy here, didn’t you. I’m sorry. I don’t think this date is heading in that direction at all.

How now brown cow?

The hell?

Whasssssuuuupppppp?

Check, please.

Dear Lucy, Volume One. SHUT UP I AM VERY HELPFUL.

Today I woke up and bounded out of bed with a smile on my face. “Hello, world!” I chirped, like a happy bluebird. “Here I am! Today is the day I make a difference! Today is the day I help people! Today is MY DAY!”

Then my alarm went off and I realized that was all a dream, I only got a few hours of sleep last night, I feel like shit warmed twice over, and the only chipper thing about me is the daydream I’m having about putting every single person I encounter into a wood chipper.

That will not stop me, however! Today I WILL make a difference. Listen, there are a lot of people out there that need advice. A lot of them. I mean, you type “advice” into Google and you get a ton of stuff. For example, if you type “Yahoo answers” into Google, do you know what the first thing that comes up in the auto-fill is? I bet you don’t! Because I didn’t! There is no way you can prepare yourself for this!

“I killed someone.”

Yes. Someone (or a number of people, because I assume that it is a popular question, otherwise why would it be the first thing that pops up?) went on Yahoo Answers to ask what to do POST-MURDER. Um. You are aware that the cops can track you, right, Killer?

OK, well, I’m not going to help with things like that. Because honestly, I have no idea what to do post-murder. I mean, I talk a big game, and believe me, there are people in my life that if they stopped coming around, they would NOT be missed. But I’m really not a go-to person when it comes to advice in covering up a capital crime. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I feel like I would immediately be discovered. I can’t even hide my emotions when I hate someone – so obviously an entire dead body is going to be a little more difficult than that to hide. So no, Murder Person, sorry, not your place for advice today, sorry.

What do you need, when you are about to start your very fabulous career as the next Dear Abby, only you are going to, of course, be Dear Lucy? Questions! You need questions! So of course, first, I went to Twitter. And Twitter…was not helpful. I got four questions. FOUR! This could be due to the fact that I phrased my request as “I would like to give you advice. It will not be good advice. So send me questions.” One person, who I don’t even know, said if she wanted bad advice, she’d ask her ex. Yes, sure, you COULD do that, complete and total stranger, but would your ex snark at you in a lovingly helpful and hysterical way? I THINK NOT, PERSON I DON’T KNOW. I THINK NOT. Your loss, stranger I will never talk to again.

So next, I went to my partner-in-crime, my internet BFF, the love of my life. Google. And realized there are a WEALTH of questions that need answering on Google. So there you go! I am set up. My empire! It will be a vast one, filled with MANY HELPFUL ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS.

Without further ado:

Dear Lucy

(A Very Helpful and Not-at-All-Snarky Advice Column)

Q:        What is the difference between a smile and a frown? –JENNIEO

A:        Well! An auspicious beginning, to be sure, Jennieo! First, let me extend my sympathies for your disability. It must be so difficult to be blind. I do so hope you have a dog. Because if you are blind, one of the few perks must be a helper animal, right? But not a monkey. You don’t have a monkey, right? Because it will eat your face. Just to let you know. I mean, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually it will completely eat your face. We covered this yesterday. Read yesterday’s blog for more info on face-eating monkeys. Wait, how are you reading this and writing questions if you are blind? Is there Braille internet? Or internet with voice technology, or something? There must be. I never thought of that. Isn’t learning fun? What’s that? You’re not blind? Then I don’t understand the question and you’re an idiot. One is right-side-up and means someone either likes you or is pretending to; one is upside-down and means someone hates you or has gas. NEXT QUESTION.

Q:        Can man creation make a mistake? –QUIRFGW

A:        Hello, Quir…I’m going to call you Q, won’t that be easier? Yes. I wish I had an answer for you, Q. I truly do. But to be honest? I don’t 100% understand what you’re asking me. Is this an existential question, like, “If we’re made in God’s image, and God is perfection, how can we make mistakes?” Or is it about something like Frankenstein’s monster, and it’s about MAN’S creation, in which case, of COURSE our creations can make mistakes, I mean, we created fashion and there are missteps LEFT and RIGHT all over there, you know, like rompers. Or are you asking if a mistake was made in the creation of man, and whoever, or whatever created us meant to create something else, like many-legged pink insects with ears for eyes, something along those lines? You’ve exhausted me with the possibilities, Q. Utterly exhausted me. I need a cooling beverage and a backrub. Except I hate backrubs more than anything in the world. One time, a woman gave me an unexpected backrub, and it tensed me up for a week, I hate them so much. DON’T TOUCH ME, Q.

Q:        How do you know if you have Tainted Love? –SOFT CELL

A:        This question could go in one of two ways, really, Soft Cell. If you’re asking if you have the totally bitchin’ song from 1981, I’d say listen for the line “once I ran from you, now I run to you.” That would be a good indication. Also, listen for synthesizers. They’re always a good indicator of 80’s music. I mean, from your name, and from the capitalization of your question, I would say that’s probably what you’re asking? But if you’re asking if your actual romance has been sullied, I’d start looking for tell-tale signs. Lipstick on the collar. Cell phone calls in the middle of the night. Cold sores. Crabs. Things of that nature.

Q:        Why are guys so complicated? –SAD IN MINNESOTA

A:        Aw. Aw, you. Well! That’s really the age-old question, isn’t it? Here. I’m going to do you two favors. First! MOVE OUT OF MINNESOTA. It’s COLD there! DAMN! You’re welcome. NOW! Second. If you don’t like complicated guys, look for stupid ones. They’re not that hard to spot. They usually hang out in places like county fairs and sports bars and Spencer’s Gifts, and they laugh really hard at jokes like “Git R Done” and “I Don’t Trust Anything that Bleeds for 5 Days and Doesn’t Die.” Then date that guy. Complicated? Not him! Easy as pie! Things will be smooth sailing for you, Sad! Problem solved, right? No, no, I don’t ask anything in return for your lifelong happiness. You don’t even have to invite me to the wedding! Really. Really, please don’t.

Q:        How do you get a guy to like you? –ALEX FORREST

            Well, Alex, a good question indeed! To “get” a guy to like you, you need a few things, ready? 1. Duct tape 2. Edible panties 3. One of those green plastic eye-shades that old-time accountants wear 4. A rotary-dial telephone 5. Three different colors of water-soluble food coloring. You wrote that down, didn’t you. Seriously, Alex? Sigh. OK, here’s the scoop. If you need to “get” a guy to like you, it’s not worth it. I’ve been around a while. If he doesn’t like you right off, he’s not going to start. Trust me. You can stalk him, you can write him tortured poetry, you can buy him things, you can attempt to seduce him in every way you know how, but it’s not going to work because he’s not interested. Not that I’ve done any of those things. Ha. I mean, who would do those things? Crazy people, that’s who. Ahem. Anyway. Just be patient, Alex. I know it’s tough, but someday, someone will like you, and you won’t have to “get” them to. Heads up, though, you certainly don’t boil his bunny or show up randomly in his house or take his kid! Shit. I just realized where I recognized your name from.

Q:        What should I wear to my boyfriend’s family party? – MEET THE

            PARENTS

A:        Clothes. But not hookery ones. Unless his family is into that. I don’t know. Are they WASP-y? Then probably try to fit into that paradigm. If they’re trashy, showing up in couture is probably going to make them think you feel like you’re “better than them” and they might beat you up behind the dumpster that they use for their barbeque pit/family swimming pool. Maybe just wear khakis and a decent shirt of some sort without a stain on the left boob and hope like hell they’re not nudists.

Q:        I just found out that my brother has done heroine twice? – BIG SIS

A:        Holy crap, seriously? WHICH ONE? Wonder Woman? Catwoman? Harley Quinn? Vixen? Supergirl? Mystique? Are they going steady? Will she be coming over to your house? You might become BFF’s. She might become your SISTER-IN-LAW. How awesome would THAT be? He’d better not cheat on her, though. Because if he does, I think the retribution might be swift and pretty bloody. THIS IS TOTALLY AMAZING, Big Sis. My congratulations. I couldn’t be more excited for you! Oh, you probably want advice. I’d say, play it cool, and tell your brother to eat plenty of lean protein, as she probably has a lot of stamina and he’ll want to keep up. And have fun! What an exciting time for you and your brother!

Q:        How can I convince my future mother-in-law not to come to my bachelorette party? – BRIDE TO BE

A:        Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, BTB! I guess I have a question for you. I know, I know. You’re asking ME for advice. Sorry. I have to ask. Is this a thing? Mother-in-laws coming to bachelorette parties? Because isn’t it for your friends and such? How awkward would it be if you were making out with a male stripper while you’re wearing a light-up penis hat and a pin that says “MY LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM” and your future mom-in-law was watching? Totally awkward, is how. Are you sure she even wants to come? If so, I’d say, a few minutes before she’s supposed to leave for the party, send a male escort over to her house to “fix her pipes” or “deliver her a pizza” or whatever it is the cover story is they use in porno. And then she won’t come because she’ll be too busy “having sex with a prostitute.” There you go!

Q:        Two of my BM’s can’t get along. Advice, please? – SOON-TO-BE-

            MRS

A:        I’m sorry. I’ve had the giggles since I read this, because I wasn’t aware that bridesmaids was abbreviated “BM”? And in my world, in which a toddler is a major part, bowel movement is abbreviated that way? And I couldn’t understand why two of your bowel movements couldn’t get along and it was really an icky but funny mental picture, to tell you the truth? OK. Let’s get it together, here. I am a very serious advice columnist, after all. Someone I know had this issue, and the bride was a total Bridezilla and fired the one I liked. So is that the problem, STBM? Are you a Bridezilla? Are you always yelling at people and smacking your groom about the face and neck and such? Maybe you need to check yourself before you wreckedy-wreck yourself?

Q:        How do I make the voice in my head stop singing the “Alvin & the Chipmunks” theme song? –CRAZY MAKING

A:        This IS a tough one. Well, I think there are two ways you can do this. One, replace it with a different earworm – I recommend Tainted Love, which has been running NON-STOP in my head since I answered that question above, THANKS A LOT, Soft Cell, sheesh – or, two, do a lot of drugs and/or alcohol, which should cause you to black out (no songs in your head when you’re dead to the world!) and then wake up with a raging hangover (again, no room for songs when you’ve got a headache like a drum in there!) Or, I suppose, you could do a type of immersion therapy, and force yourself to watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. But I really wouldn’t recommend that. (Side note - were you aware that my super-hot secret boyfriend, Matthew Grey Gubler, plays one of those chipmunks? Distressing!)

Q:        How do you deal with a legion of friends who play “Vampire the Masquerade” and it just creeps you out?!?!?! –GAMERGRRL

A:        I didn’t know what this was, so I looked it up because listen, anything for you people. And although the Wikipedia article was kind of confusing and had a lot of words in it I didn’t quite understand, I gather that this is an RPG. Now, is it an RPG like I remember D&D being when I was a kid and the boys wouldn’t let me play and I really wanted to and they would roll dice and it looked fun because those dice had so many awesome sides and you got to make things up and also there was an episode of Community that made D&D seem awesome as long as you play it with the right people? Or is it a scary RPG where the people walk around in costume and pretend to be the characters and it’s hard to tell where reality ends and their weirdness begins and they have crazy eyes? My advice, GamerGrrl, is if it creeps you out, bring along a stake or some garlic or a cross, and when they’re getting too douchey, wield them at your friends and tell them to stay back. They will have to, right? Because they’re “vampires”? And then you can go off and do something productive like read or watch True Blood or whatever you like to do.

Q:        How do you face fears... like... say... fear of dolls or stupid Disney creatures? –SCARRED4LIFE

A:        Honestly, I HAVE NO IDEA. This QUESTION is horrifying to me. Why would you WANT to face these fears? Because dolls and characters in suits WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL. Don’t face them! RUN FAR FAR AWAY. And then wherever you end up, line your windowsills and doors with salt like they do on Supernatural because that keeps out the baddies. Dolls and furries. Good gracious, Scarred4Life! I’m not even going to be able to sleep tonight now. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.

Q:        How do you deal with overly fake people? Because you know my answer is gasoline and blowtorch. –KICKASS MCGEE

A:        Let me tell you a story, Kickass. Once, I came across an overly fake person. But I knew that person was being fake, because I’d heard from a mutual friend that the fake person hated me, and was saying shit behind my back. But whenever the fake person would see me, the fake person would be all, “Oh! How ARE you! So nice to SEE you! Blah blah BLAH blah! Fakety fake fake fake!” And I wanted to throw up in my mouth a little. So what I did was sit the fake person down and say, “Listen, fake person, how can we work out our differences to a mutually pleasing solution?” and we talked, and laughed, and I think we both left a little richer in knowing one another that day. Oh, wait, that didn’t happen. Really, what happened is I refused to talk to the fake person and would always be scowling when they came around and made it so uncomfortable for the fake person to be around me that the fake person, to this day, won’t come to places where I will be, and tells people that they think I might be “unhinged.” Well, Fake McFake Fake, take a look in your mirror of fakeness, and see which one of us is missing hinges, why don’t you? Oh. This is kind of becoming about me, isn’t it. I suppose the adult way to deal with them is just to smile and nod and limit your exposure to them as much as possible and try to put yourself in their shoes? But the CORRECT way to deal with it is your way. But once you’ve killed them, don’t come to me for body-disposal advice. I seriously just don’t know what to do. Maybe bury it? Somewhere that’s not here? I don’t know.

Well! This has been very productive AND helpful! If you would like your questions answered in a future edition of Dear Lucy, don’t hesitate to send me an email. Unless your question is stupid. Or if it’s serious. Or time-sensitive. OK, I really have a lot of disclaimers on this. I AM A VERY GOOD ADVICE COLMNIST DAMMIT.