Ill-Prepared = FOREVER ALONE. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I was talking to a friend the other day about online dating, which intrigues me because I’ve had such weird experiences with it. “What do you talk about?” I asked her. “I don’t know, just stuff,” she said. Well, that’s vague. I pressed for more information. “Getting-to-know-you stuff, I guess,” she said. “Like, you ask each other questions, and get to know each other. And if you like each other, you see each other again. Or if they’re not a serial killer, or whatever.”
 

Well! This is important information. This is probably something I need to be prepared for! I like to study up for potential test situations. What if I were to go on a date and was not prepared properly with the getting to know you answers? Then I might come across as a serial killer, and a second date might not happen! Catastrophe!

 

So in order to prepare for this highly-unlikely date scenario, I found a list of potential getting-to-know-you questions, and will now let you have a peek at the answers. Because you might also want to prepare for this scenario! I will totally let you cheat from my answers. I don’t have a problem with sharing my crib sheet with you on this particular test. I don’t want any of my readers to be denied love because they come across as a serial killer. That would be a very sad situation! Everyone deserves love, after all. Well, except serial killers. Because they would probably just eat their significant other anyway, or at least carve them up like a Butterball or something.

 

Potential Getting-to-Know-You-Questions (with answers that you are free to steal unless your answers are better or less neurotic)

 

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

I don’t know. Macaroni and cheese, I think. Or grilled cheese. I’m going to say something with cheese. Would this endear me to a potential mate, or make him think I have a problem with saying no to dairy? Honestly, I don’t think I could fall in love with someone who didn’t appreciate cheese.

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

Um. I don’t. Have? An iPod. Sorry. I KNOW. I know this makes me look like a crazy-person Luddite. I’m sorry. I have a weirdo off-name-brand MP3 player that won’t let me take off the songs I loaded four years ago and also eats batteries at a weird rate, and all my music is on my phone so I kind of listen to it there? Also I have a CD player from ten years ago that still works so I use that. And I listen to the radio. STOP BEING JUDGEY.

What is one of your favorite quotes?

I’ll be in my bunk.

I’m pretty sure if I said that on a date, the date would do one of three things: get it, and we’d live happily ever after; get it, and think I was hitting on him and the date would turn pervy, which may or may not be a good thing depending on how the date is going; not get it and be super-confused (in which case we’re probably not meant to be anyway.)

What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?

I’m confused about the wording of this question. Are you asking two questions – what I like to do indoors, and, also, what I like to do outdoors? Or is it an activity I can do in both places? I’m going to say text. You can do that anywhere. Including while peeing. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER DO THAT OF COURSE HOW TOTALLY UNSANITARY.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Cleaning the cat litter. Who likes that? It’s poo. Nothing’s fun about poo. These questions aren’t really making the date all about sexy-time.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it reveals that I don’t care for any forms of exercise at all.

What’s your least favorite mode of transportation?

I don’t know, “least” favorite? That’s an odd thing to ask someone. Burro? They seem like they’d be uncomfortable.

What is your favorite body part?

Nope. Perv territory. Not happening. Wait til I get to know you better, imaginary internet date.

If you could throw any kind of party, what would it be like and what would it be for?

I wouldn’t. I hate parties. And also people. WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME INTERNET DATE.

If you could paint a picture of any scenery you’ve seen before, what would you paint?

Wow, I can NOT paint. Or draw. I am AWFUL. I mean, I could TRY, but it would just be a total blobby mess. Probably Italy, because Italy was gorgeous, but I wouldn’t try. It would be an insult to Italy. They might hire mafia hitmen to come and kneecap me.

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I don’t like this question because every age has pros and cons. I would like to be an age where I don’t have to work, but also don’t have to deal with puberty or high school, but also can drive, vote, and make my own decisions. So I guess 79. Also at that age I plan on having a cane and whacking people with it. Old people can get away with that shit. I’m eagerly anticipating that.

If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?

I’m guessing I would spend less time dicking around on the internet. Also, probably I’d eat more bread. Once the world ends, no one’s going to say “I ate too much bread.” Mostly, they’re going to mourn the fact that they didn’t eat ENOUGH bread. So, yeah, lots and lots of bread, I think.

If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?

If someone asked me this question I think I might go to the bathroom and then climb out the window because it’s annoying. I don’t want a mentor. I’ve never had a mentor and it doesn’t sound like something I’d want. What if you disappointed your mentor? You’d be feeling guilty about that for ages. I want a mentor I can’t disappoint. Leif Garrett. I want Leif Garrett as a mentor.

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

I have about a kajillion things I’d like to learn to do. I guess probably walk without falling is the most pressing, though. Or eat without dropping food on my blouse. That’s probably not the answer you’re going to want to use on your hypothetical date. Choose something sexier, like riding horses or competitive breakdancing.

If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?

I can’t imagine anything different than I normally do. What WOULD one do if one were immortal for a day? Jump off a building? That seems irresponsible. Go save people from a fire, I suppose, something along those lines, I don’t know. You only have one day, how would you even know where the fires were happening? Are you asking me if I’d SET the fire? I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER. Stop with your trick questions.

If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

I would LOVE to change my first name because there are 8 million people with my same name and also it’s TOO DAMN PERKY and I am NOT a perky person. I want to be something serious. Like Gertrude. You do NOT think Gertrude is going to be all giggles and sunshine. Gertrude is serious and Germanic and you do NOT screw with Gertrude. I approve.

If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?

I don’t think you’re 100% on how reincarnation works. Animal, sure, but I don’t think you can get reincarnated as an inanimate object or abstract idea. But I’ll play along, internet date. Animal – some sort of jungle cat. Or possibly the honey badger, because, as you should be well-aware, the honey badger does NOT give a shit. Drink? Again, I must protest because this is not how reincarnation works. Lemonade? I don’t know. That’s foolish. Ice cream flavor? Sigh. Something almondy. You totally lost points with this question. I think you should know that. Like, to the point you’re probably not going to get laid tonight.

If you could know the answer to any question, besides “What is the meaning of life?”, what would it be?

I think it’s funny you don’t allow me to know the answer to THAT question. What are you HIDING, internet date? I guess my #1 question right now is what makes you think we get reincarnated as ice cream flavors? Did you read that in a book? I can’t imagine you did.

Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?

Do people actually get “mistaken” for celebrities? I don’t. At one point, many years ago, someone told me I reminded them of Janeane Garofalo, but she kind of looks weird now and is super-thin and has lots of tattoos so I think that’s not really the case anymore.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Um. I – um. Are you on an imaginary date with someone a lot younger than me?

Fine. A ninja.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?

OMGWTFBBQ.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

I can’t control my mouth, especially when people are being complete and total dumbasses. Case in point: if  you die tomorrow, do you think you might be reincarnated as a gummi bear? If so, what flavor, and who would you want to eat you?

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever given/received?

I don’t want to answer all of those so I’ll just answer one. Worst received – lacy underwear by a creepy neighbor when I was WAY too young for sexy panties.

At what age did you become an adult?

You ask a lot of questions about my age/maturity level, and I’m kind of wondering if our date was set up in a To Catch a Predator chatroom. I don’t know. I moved out and on my own at 17. I still feel immature sometimes; sometimes I feel a million years old. You’re creeping me out a little.

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.

You know what made this question awesome? The “elaborate” part. It’s like an essay question on the SAT! I did NOT bring my #2 pencil. In this digital age where everyone has something to say about everything: yes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Are they words that are worth SAYING, is really the question. And the answer to that, is no, not usually.

Where’s Waldo?

Um. With your mom?

The best part of waking up is?

Folgers in your cup? You wanted me to say something sexy here, didn’t you. I’m sorry. I don’t think this date is heading in that direction at all.

How now brown cow?

The hell?

Whasssssuuuupppppp?

Check, please.

Pop quiz: why is this thing obsessed with the last guy I kissed?

I am exhausted. Listen, it is Sunday! A person should not have to clean their entire apartment on Sunday! But I have people coming over tomorrow night, and I'm pretty sure they'd take one look at the place and say, NO! We are not cat-sitting for you while you are on vacation because there is a good chance we will get LEGIONNAIRE'S DISEASE! So I cleaned. Goddammit. But now I am exhausted, and I am fresh out of shiny blog ideas.

Then my teenage cousin put this thing up on her Facebook page.

You kids today, you do these things? I didn't do these things when I was a kid. They hadn't been invented yet, I guess. We were too busy inventing the cotton gin or something, I don't know. They seem like a colossal waste of time. So therefore, perfect for a Sunday when I have nothing of import to say! What's that, peanut gallery? I never have anything of import to say? Yeah, pipe down and bite me.

So, in honor of my teenage cousin, who is beautiful and intelligent and if we were the same age, would intimidate the hell out of me (who am I kidding, I've got about twenty years on the kiddo and she still intimidates the hell out of me, but I seem to amuse her since I'm old and jaded, so win? I guess?), here is a very important quiz she posted where you can learn all about me.

You're first love calls you what do you say?

Well, first I ask why you used the wrong version of the word "your" in your question, and shake my head about the fact that you're obviously not paying attention in English class. Also, this could use either a period or a semi-colon. Then I say, "Why are you calling me? How did you get this number? Is your wife aware you're calling me? I saw those photos of you on Facebook a while ago and I no longer have a crush on you, and you seem kind of dirty now?So goodbye, chump."

What grade were you in when you had your first real relationship?

Tenth. If you're nice, you call that a late bloomer. If you're a jerk you say I'm socially awkward. The second statement is the correct one.

You're first love calls you crying saying they need you to come over and you have a way there?

Um, seriously, are you going to keep using the wrong version of "your" in every question? This is already giving me a tension headache. Also, this question makes no sense. Are you asking if I have a way there? Yes. Yes I do. I am a grown-ass woman with a car. However, my "first love," as you so repeatedly squawk, lives 4 hours away, is married, and would never call me as I don't think we've spoken for over twenty years. And if he were to call me, I think I'd be confused as to why that was happening, because my "first love," as you, again, keep annoyingly asking, did not RETURN my very deep and abiding love. So, yeah. My answer is "I'm not coming, see ya, sucker."

What color is your underwear?

Really? Did a pervert make this up to find out what color my little cousin's panties were? None of your business. And I'm calling Chris Hansen. And even though underwear, if you're asking specifically about panties, is a single item, it's technically "ARE" your underwear, grammar ninja.

Do you like anyone right now?

I'm liking you less and less. 

Ever had your heartbroken?

Wow. Um, yeah, I've both been heartbroken, and had my heart broken. And I know how to use spaces in between my words correctly, so, you know, I'm awesome like that. STOP TEXTING AND PAY ATTENTION IN ENGLISH CLASS.

Who do you trust the most in your life?

Myself. Except where shiny things are involved. Then all is lost.

Who do you love most?

This is really a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings. And also, I don't know. I don't quantify things that way. I love a few people and in different ways. Whoever wrote this is kind of the most annoying. What's that? It's for teenagers? That doesn't mean it needs to suffer in quality. That's what's wrong with society; we keep giving our children sub-standard things and then they expect crap. Better quizzes for all! Start a petition!

Has a tragedy happened in your life?

Wow, way to be a mood-killer. "A tragedy?" Like, a mass-murder, or I lost my cell phone down a train toilet on my way to a field trip to the museum? Emo! Haven't sad things happened to everyone? 

Are you happy?

I will be as soon as I'm done this shit and I'm parked in front of Criminal Minds with a Popsicle. There is nothing that Dr. Spencer Reid can't cure. Side note - why is my spell-check capitalizing Popsicle? Is that a proper noun, like Kleenex? Someone trademarked Popsicle? Should I call them ice pops from now on or else I have to pay a surcharge of some sort?

How many good friends do you have?

Is it a contest? And by good, do you mean they are selfless and kind, or they're not acquaintances? And none of your business, stalker.

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone?

Well, not CAN'T. It's not like my head explodes. It's not like I'm the Wicked Witch of the West and they're my bucket of Dorothy-water. But songs I CHOOSE not to listen to? Sure.

Ever been cheated on?

I don't keep them around long enough for that to be an issue.

Ever been told someone loved you?

By them? By a third party? Is this worded oddly to anyone else? I feel like my IQ level is dropping by the minute, here.

What is your idea of true love?

I want someone to carry my groceries in from the car for me. 

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe that kids and imbeciles and the people in The Notebook believe in that shit. I also believe it gets them in a lot of trouble. Lust at first sight, sure. Love at first sight? Nope. 

Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?

I got a hot emo hipster drummer drunk and made out with him at an 80's dance party and then he moved away and got married to someone else. Oh, you didn't ask "Are you still BITTER about the last person you kissed." Sorry about that. 

Your best friend kisses the guy/girl you like, what do you do?

I don't like anyone. Haven't I made that abundantly clear? I honestly loathe just about everyone. And I don't have a best friend. So if my THEORETICAL best friend kissed the THEORETICAL guy I liked, I guess I'd wonder about my stellar choices in both best friends and crush objects.

You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you?

Whoa. Creepy. Yes, I'm thinking, who the hell wrote this and HOW ARE YOU INSIDE MY BRAIN. Yep. As mentioned: thinking about Dr. Spencer Reid and how much I want to go to there.

Is there anything you’d like to say to someone, say it here?

I think I do that every day, don't I? Um, ok. Wow. Thanks for the permission. Awesome. Also, that comma usage leaves a lot to be desired. I'd like to say "Screw you for telling me in the third grade I needed to be quieter and let other people get better grades than me or no one would like me, third grade teacher I've forgotten the name of, because that was super-shitty advice and gave me a complex." Wow! Freeing! Hoorah!

Were you single on your last birthday?

Did you have teeth when you wrote this? Will you ten minutes from now? Keep asking nosy-ass rude rub-it-in-that-you're-forever-alone questions, and we'll see about that. 

What are the names of the last five people you hugged?

Let me pull out my LIST. What the hell? 

Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most?

True story: I read this as "do you still STALK the person who hurt you the most" and that made me laugh.

Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now?

Fear? 

Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?

No. I live in Rainbow Hollow, where everyone tells the truth always and forever and we ride magical unicorns to our jobs in the Gumdrop Forest. You dumbass. 

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?

Um. Yeah. It was a 60-some year old man I work with, and I have the wrong kind of plumbing for him to want to do any sort of hugging on me. So I'm gonna go with no on that, on so many levels.

Do you think you were an adorable little kid?

Absolutely. I peaked at age 5. Up until then, I was PRECIOUS.

When will your next kiss be?

Let me whip out my crystal ball and predict that the answer is the 5th of never. 

Have you ever had a difficult relationship?

You and I are on the outs at the moment.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?

Ugh. He doesn't THINK of me. I no longer EXIST to him. He is living in hipster NIRVANA with his hipster WIFE. Let it GO. You are more obsessed with him than you were with my "first twoooo wuvvvv" a while back. 

When was the last time you kissed that person?

I have a question for you, actually. When was the last time you fell asleep without fear? Because I can guarantee you, if you ask another stupid question like this, it will be the last time. I will come to your house and drown you in tapioca pudding, babe.

Have you ever had a best friend who was the opposite sex?

Hee hee! What a silly idea! Boys and girls can't be friends! Their naughty bits are different!

When was the last time you shot a dirty look at someone?

.000001 second ago. If by "someone" you mean my computer screen.

What’s in your pocket?

I'm not happy to see you, if that's what you're driving at. I know how you can be with your naughty wordplay.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?

Yep. Then I thought about keeping my job and practicality won out. 

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

TAPIOCA PUDDING. NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR YOU SCREAM. 

Does anyone call you baby?

Absolutely, if you want to be kicked, stabbed or verbally assaulted, by all means, demean me with diminutive phraseology.

What if the last person you kissed called right now?

Oh, my. You are the reason unlisted phone numbers were created. Which I have. HE COULD NOT CALL ME HE DOES NOT REMEMBER ME OR HAVE MY NUMBER. 

Have you ever made out with somebody on a bed?

Is my father reading this? NO OF COURSE NOT. 

Would you go on a road trip with your friends?

WHAT? In a CAR? Would we LAUGH A LOT and EAT ROAD SNACKS and LISTEN TO FUN MUSIC? Who would EVER WANT TO DO THAT? 

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?

My attention span's waning here, honestly. THIS IS SO GODDAMN LONG. 

The person you fell hardest for says sorry, what do you do?

Call the cops and tell them I just murdered someone because I told him what would happen if I ever saw him again.

Are you drunk?

Yeah. It's 4:30pm on a Sunday? And I know in order to do this you'd think I probably would have had to imbibe something? But no. No, I'm as sober as a judge. Unfortunately.

What is it you’re doing right now?

What the hell...THIS. I AM DOING THIS. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE SEVENTEEN YEARS.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a K?

Let me check my hug list, I'm pretty sure my "people I've kissed listed by the first letter of their name" is right under that. 

Do you sleep on your stomach?

No. Because that is uncomfortable when you have grown-up breasts. 

So, the person you like, their name starts with a B, right?

WHAT IS GOING ON. 

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your girlfriend/boyfriend?

Yeah, I'd forgive them both right the hell out of my life. Bye! Hope you give each other the herp! 

Where did you get the pants your wearing?

My closet. Oh, before that? I have no idea. I think I probably found them on the ground somewhere and started wearing them. I have no sense of fashion at all. Seriously. None. It's kind of embarrassing how little I care. 

What's your plans for the next 2 weeks?

What ARE my plans, you mean, of course, correct? And why do you ask? You're totally going to wall me up in my basement behind some stones, aren't you, all Poe-style. Dammit.

Do you act differently around the person you like?

I totally punch him on the playground. That's how he KNOWS I dig him! 

Is there someone that you find yourself constantly changing for?

Billy Joel told me not to go changin', to try to please him, and I always listen to Billy Joel, because Billy Joel also promised me that Captain Jack would take me to my special island, and I'm pretty stoked about that and hoping it happens soon.

  

Can you trust girls?

BITCHES, THE LOT OF 'EM. BROS BEFORE HOS. 

What woke you up this morning?

I had to piss like a damn racehorse. 

Why aren't you texting the last person you kissed?

Why aren't YOU texting him if you love him so much? I DON'T KNOW HIS NUMBER, AM FUZZY ON HIS LAST NAME, AND I THINK HIS WIFE MIGHT NOT LIKE IT.

Whats currently bothering you?

Your ignorance of grammatical usage laws. And the fact that my cousin took this whole thing and I couldn't make it through without multiple sanity breaks and a lot of cussing at the screen and one time I yelled at the cats for no reason and I had to mute the television because it was too distracting.